"NO!"

I jolt awake, clutching my chest through my T-shirt in an attempt to calm myself down. My breath continuously hitches in my throat and my eyes scan the darkness rapidly, but to no avail am I able to come to terms with reality.

No matter what I do it still feels like I'm stuck in the same nightmare over and over again.

I need fresh air.

I quickly run into the hallway, not even bothering to slip into shoes or a warm jacket. The only thing I need to bring is myself, a pen, and a pad of paper. Maybe if I write out my thoughts I will feel better.

Maybe if I write out my thoughts I'll feel sane again...

As soon as I reach the small porch the sound of rain hitting the ground meets my ears. However, it doesn't phase me in the slightest. In fact, I actually welcome the rain, letting it slide down my cheeks and soak my dark brown hair.

The small part of Seoul that I can see from the porch looks incredibly grey. People hustle around with umbrellas over their heads like ants working for the queen. Everyone has their own agenda, and everyone has somewhere to go.

But where to I have to go?

I pull out the pad of paper and start to write in messy ink. The rain immediately almost makes it impossible, but luckily the paper is made to withstand watercolor which may have somehow been made for this very moment.

'The racing cars,
The squirming umbrellas all over the place
It's cloudy and the air is clear'

The ink bleeds across the white surface, but I almost like it better that way. It feels like I have so many thoughts, but why can't I think of anything more to write down?

'With a light grey background,
Why am I standing here?
I don't know if I have a lot of thoughts or no thoughts at all'

Slowly, I hold my palm out to catch some rain droplets. A puddle forms in my hand as I look into it, my face staring back at me. Alls I can picture is the dark circles under my eyes and my chapped lips. The last time I ate was lunch...

I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately.

'The thick color of a rainy day in Seoul
I still can't fall asleep as I fade away
The rain stops and the reflection in the puddle
I see myself looking more miserable today'

I start to put my pen back to paper when someone grabs my arm causing me to gasp, "YAH!"

I stumble back inside, coughing out of the pure anxiety of being surprised like this. Whoever this is is about to get their butt kicked-

"Raejae-ah! What are you doing outside at 2:30am in the goddämn rain?!"

My eyes slowly look up to meet Namjoon's who throws a blanket over my head. I use it to reluctantly dry myself off. I hadn't even noticed myself shivering before the warmth of the building enveloped me.

"Are you gonna answer me?"

"I couldn't sleep," I whisper.

"So you went out in the rain?" He exclaims, "I'm sure that will help you fall asleep,"

"Joesonghabnida, Hyung [Sorry]" I bow slightly and start back to my room.

"Yah!" He gently tugs on my shirt sleeve causing me to drop my notepad, "What's this?"

He bends down and picks it up, studying it, "are these song lyrics,"

"A-Aniyo!" I quickly snatch it back from him, "just an-um... a poem!"

"By who?"

"By... a guy,"

"A guy named who?"

"I should really get back to bed,"

"Yah! Why are you awake?"

He isn't going to let me go is he... "Why are you awake, hyung?" I decide to turn the tables on him.

"Because... I'm nervous for our first dance practice," He replies bashfully.

"That's today?!"

"Aniya! It's in three days from today... but I still can't stop thinking about it,"

"Aish... you just gave me a heart attack?" I tap myself on the chest a few times.

He lets out a long breath, clearly not knowing what to say anymore. Instead he just pats me on the back.

"What are you doing?" I ask cautiously.

"I can tell that something is burdening you," He starts, "You know, if one person carries a weight it's a lot harder than if two people share it together. Then the weight becomes half,"

"You really are like a walking poetry book,"

"Excuse me?"

I let out a small laugh, "Nothing, I mean- It's a compliment. Everything you say just has a sort of musical value to it, that's all,"

He bites his lips while contemplating something, "you wrote those lyrics didn't you,"

"What lyrics?"

"The ones in your hand,"

I look down at my somewhat depressing handwriting. There's no use in hiding it. I mean, I am the one holding the pen and paper.

"Ne.. I did,"

"You should continue with it. Sad songs are sometimes the best comfort," He tells me, nodding his head to approve his own statement.

I sigh, he really is good at giving advice, "Why are you nervous for practice?"

Gah, why did I just ask such a dumb question? I'm sure everyone's nervous.

"Well, I'm actually quite a bad dancer," He chuckles to himself, "I basically look like ramen noodles,"

His weird comparison makes me laugh out loud, "Ramen noodles? I think you need to give yourself a bit more credit,"

"No it's true! It takes me forever to get choreography down it's not even funny. How about you? Do you like to dance?"

"Uh, Yeah I guess I do," I smile at his question, "my halmeoni got me into dance when I was younger so she used to bring me to all my dance practices. Except, I'm a contemporary and ballet dancer, not a hip hop dancer,"

"Does Your halmeoni still take you to dance?"

My heart almost crumbles at the mention of my halmeoni in that way. Does she still take me to dance? I wish she could.

"No..." I trail off, feeling unwanted feelings well up in my throat, "She passed away last spring,"

"Oh, I'm sorry for your loss,"

"Don't be sorry," I send him a melancholy smile, "She's in a better place now,"

She's actually the one who told me to get emancipated just before she died. Her exact words were, "follow your dreams, don't get stuck in somebody else's. Go do what you want to do and be your own person,"

I literally live by her words, but so far I'm off to a bit of a rocky start.

"We should probably get back to sleep," Namjoon suggests, "but Your a bit... wet..."

"It's fine, once I'm awake I won't be able to get back to sleep. I should probably take a shower anyways," I sigh.

"Do you want me to stay up with you?"

"Aniyo, don't worry about it. Besides, you look a bit tired yourself,"

"Yah! I look fine!" He chuckles lazily.

We both walk quietly back to our dorm room doors.

"RaeJae?"

"Hmm," I look back at Namjoon before entering my dorm.

"You aren't the only one feeling like that,"

His finger points to the thoughts I wrote down on smudged paper. We lock gazes, almost sharing a mutual feeling as he smiles at me.

"G-gomabseubnida [thank you]," I whisper to him, feeling extremely thankful to have a new friend like him.

~~~~~~~

What's the last BTS song you listened to?

A: Hug me