"Nevermore," a sudden voice spoke.

Sunghoon's head turned every which way as he tried to locate where the voice was coming from.

Again, "Nevermore." Louder this time.

He finally spotted it. A raven sitting on the branch of a tree.

It was... speaking to him?

"Nevermore," it said once more.

What kind of nonsense was it speaking? Loss is sure to happen again. It was just a part of life, and Sunghoon knew that, but he couldn't accept it.

Sunghoon wasn't sure what to think. What was the raven implying? How was he supposed to understand when it only said one word?

"That's bullshit," he stated simply in reply.

Yet the raven persisted. "Nevermore."

He didn't know what the raven meant. Loss is not a one-time thing.

Sunghoon sat there, staring at the raven as it stared back at him. He didn't bother saying anything else, since the raven would only say one thing.

A spiral of thoughts went through his mind. He was still in pain, but now had something else to think about as well.

What was "Nevermore" supposed to mean?

Sunghoon sighed, taking turns to stare both at the fire and at the raven. He tried to connect the dots but failed to see what was obvious.

The raven wouldn't have appeared if it wasn't for how Sunghoon treated himself. He just needed to realize it before it was too late.

He wasn't taking the sudden appearance of the raven lightly, however, as Sunghoon had been pacing around the fire mindlessly for what felt like an eternity to him.

Nothing crossed his mind other than the word "nevermore".

Nevermore. Nevermore. Nevermore. 

It felt as if Sunghoon had lost his mind at that point.

He crouched down, burying his face into his hands, letting out a long, shaky, cry.

"Why are you torturing me?' he asked between sobs. Sunghoon was desperate to just let go. He wanted to run away as far as his legs could take him, but something told him to stay.

Something held him back.

The raven's presence was enough to get him to stay and face his problems at that moment.

Sunghoon, who was wiping the excessive tears that came out of his eyes, dug through his mind to go over everything that had happened ever since Sunoo passed. It was the first time since then that he'd thought about the exact moment, and it scared him, but he knew it had to be done.

...

Sitting quietly at his desk, Sunghoon was catching up on an assignment for a class he was falling behind in. Only silence filled the room, broken up by the soft scribbling of his pencil as he was writing away. He often checked his phone to see if his friends were saying anything in their group chat, but that day, it was awfully quiet. Sunghoon didn't think too much of it, though. Exams were right around the corner, so he just assumed that everyone was busy studying.

A sudden ping that came from Sunghoon's phone was enough to make his heart drop. There wasn't enough time to process everything, as he was already out the door, sprinting in the direction of Sunoo's house.

He was greeted by an ambulance sitting right outside the usually still house. Sunghoon stood in horror as he watched the paramedics roll what he could only assume was Sunoo's body towards the ambulance.

Jungwon, who had discovered Sunoo, and Jay, who was nearby when the news struck, approached Sunghoon, but he couldn't hear anything. He just stood there, watching how the paramedics carefully transferred the stretcher. His friends were talking to him and he couldn't process any of the words. Just muffled noises.

He was allowed to ride in the ambulance with Jungwon, Jay, and Riki, who had shown up soon after.

By the time they were waiting in the hospital, Sunghoon didn't realize that tears were rapidly pouring out of his eyes. He hadn't spoken a word yet, and nothing was right. He was pulled into a tight hug by Jungwon, who was crying just as hard as him. Despite being younger than him, Jungwon knew how to handle any situation with ease. He slowly pat Sunghoon's head, whispering positive affirmations to him every once in a while, but it wasn't enough.

At that point, everyone had made it to the hospital, and together, they received the news that Sunoo didn't make it.

The atmosphere was tight. Not one person wasn't wondering what went wrong.

It was like a blur to Sunghoon. At one moment he was at the hospital, and at the next, he was in Jungwon's bedroom going over what happened.

According to Jungwon, he and Sunoo were supposed to hang out that day, so it was nothing out of the ordinary for him to be at the latter's house. As time went by, Jungwon realized that something was wrong. Sunoo hadn't come out yet and he wasn't answering his phone, so the younger took it upon himself to check on Sunoo to make sure he was okay.

The door was unlocked, so it was easy for Jungwon to look for Sunoo. It was his first time in that house, and he could immediately tell why Sunoo would never invite people inside. It was a mess. Everything was everywhere and the smell was just horrendous. Jungwon said that it smelled like a mix of cigarettes and pee. A harsh way to explain it, but everyone had to take Jungwon's word for it since he was the only one there.

It seemed that Sunoo's parents weren't home, so Jungwon was slightly relieved, but the atmosphere felt so wrong. He finally found Sunoo's room through trial and error, so he opened the door after knocking with no response.

Sunoo was hanging. His lifeless body was just hanging there, swinging ever so softly.

Jungwon let out a horrified shriek, his hands trembling as he brought them up to his face to cover his agape mouth. He sprung into action without any second thoughts, trying to pull Sunoo down. "Sunoo?! Speak to me, please."

But it was no use. He called an ambulance, and as he was waiting, he found the letter that was soon to be read to the rest of Sunoo's friends.

Jungwon's story caused him to burst into tears, having Jay quickly scoop him up into a hug.

To Sunghoon, everything was shit. All of it was shit. The letter made him feel like shit. What was he supposed to do without Sunoo?

And it was all his fault. He knew it.

Everything was his fault.

...

Days went by. Weeks even. It was hard on everyone.

Nobody texted in the group chat. When someone did, it was just Jungwon asking how everyone was doing. Usually, nobody replied. They either left him on read or didn't open the message at all.

Eventually, they met up. Everyone looked awful. Sunghoon noticed varying differences between all of them, and they noticed how different he became.

Jungwon forced everyone to talk about how they've been holding up. Sunghoon wasn't surprised to know that everyone was feeling shitty.

Jake said that it was hard for him to sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, he would just remember everything he'd ever done with Sunoo and end up sobbing late into the night.

Jungwon said that his mother wanted to send him to therapy. He originally rejected the idea, but the picture of Sunoo's lifeless body lingered in his mind and wouldn't disappear. He spoke to his mother again and started going to therapy.

Heeseung was a very talented painter. Since Sunoo passed, he hadn't left his room. He showed photos of his recent art, which was influenced by his despair. Everything was messy and dull. You could tell how he was feeling through the paint slathered on the canvas.

Apart from Sunghoon, Riki most likely had the hardest time out of all of them. Even if Sunoo had a romantic relationship with Sunghoon, it didn't erase how close his bond was with Riki. He didn't even show up. The group called his mother, who explained that her son wasn't talking, eating, or leaving his room, leaving the door locked. Sometimes she would hear him sobbing, calling out Sunoo's name, but she can't get to him.

Jay didn't seem sad. At least not to Sunghoon. It felt as if he could see right through him. It was as if he didn't care about Sunoo at all. He brushed it off when questioned, saying that he was just as hurt as the rest of them, he just preferred not to show it. It was somewhat true, but Sunghoon didn't buy it.

When it was Sunghoon's turn to speak, he wasn't sure what to say. He knew very well that his friends would try to pry him open if he didn't say anything. He made up something about missing Sunoo and it seemed to pass by.

He thought he was in the clear, but Jungwon asked him to stay behind while everyone was bidding their goodbyes. Sunghoon knew what it was about, but it didn't make him any less nervous.

"Sunghoon." Jungwon's voice was gentle and caring. "Show me."

He felt the tears well up in his eyes as he slowly rolled up his sleeve. One of Sunghoon's arms was covered in cuts—some fresh, some already healing. He was afraid of what Jungwon would say.

Despite all his worries, Jungwon wasn't angry. "How come?" he asked softly.

With tears rolling down his cheeks, Sunghoon couldn't bear to meet eyes with the younger. "Everything that happened was my fault. I'm punishing myself."

Sunghoon missed the shocked expression on Jungwon's face, allowing himself to be pulled into a hug.

The younger pat Sunghoon's head ever so gently. "He wouldn't want you to do this. He loved you so much, Sunghoon. How could it be your fault?"

He sniffled, burying his face into the crook of Jungwon's neck. Sunghoon was well aware that he was right, but didn't want to believe it. "I could've saved him."

"No, Sunghoon. It wasn't your responsibility. Please stop blaming yourself." Jungwon was always patient, that was what Sunghoon appreciated.

He wished it could be that easy to convince himself, though. Sunghoon left Jungwon's house after saying that he'd stop blaming himself.

But of course, he was lying.

...

Sunghoon was sick. Sick and tired of Jay. Months have passed by then, and everyone was feeling somewhat better. They had to move on, slowly or not, as they had responsibilities. Whether they wanted to move on was out of everyone's control. Riki started coming out of his shell once again, and everyone was slowly restoring themselves.

He could tell that everyone was still upset, but Jay seemed completely fine. It was as if he hadn't even known Sunoo, and Sunghoon was sick of it.

With courage, he met up with Jay. They had a good day together, he had to admit it, but of course, there was still that disgusted thought tucked away in the back of Sunghoon's mind. Before they went their separate ways, he spoke up.

"Why do you act like Sunoo never existed?" Sunghoon asked, his voice shaky and his hands trembling.

Jay made a face, leaning on a nearby brick wall. "What do you mean?"

Sunghoon broke eye contact, trying to put together the right string of words. "I mean that... you seem perfectly fine without him."

"That's just not true."

"Really? Because the way you're acting says otherwise." To say that Sunghoon was mad was an understatement. He was fuming at that point.

Jay was also getting fairly aggravated, as he thought that Sunghoon had invited him to hang out with other intentions. "Look, I don't know why you're bringing that up now. It's been months, Sunghoon. Give it up, would you?"

"That's exactly what I'm talking about!" Sunghoon raised his voice, taking a step closer to Jay, who subconsciously took a step back.

"Do you expect me to be sad for the rest of my life?" Jay shot back, clenching his fists.

Sunghoon was left speechless by the statement. Obviously, he doesn't want his friend to feel upset, but it hadn't been as long as Jay had said it was.

Jay took a deep breath, approaching Sunghoon and placing his hands on the taller male's shoulders. "Sunghoon, you know I don't like showing emotions like that. Please don't think of me like I'm some heartless loser."

Maybe Jay was right. Maybe Sunghoon was making a big deal out of it for no reason. He wasn't sure what to say. He felt like the biggest idiot in the world. Sunghoon had no idea how Jay was feeling, so why was he so angry? He felt bad. "I'm sorry, Jay." Tears welled up once again. "I'm being stupid."

"Come on, man, don't say that, okay?" Jay's hands travelled from Sunghoon's shoulders to cup his cheeks. His thumb wiped away the tears that began to fall. "I'm sorry for making you feel like ass, though. I keep telling you to move on when I should be there for you."

Through all his emotion, Sunghoon managed to crack a smile. After holding such a grudge against Jay ever since Sunoo died, the two resolved it in such little time. He pulled the shorter into a much-needed hug. "I love you, man. I really do."

"You're my best friend, okay?"

Sunghoon nodded, a wide grin on his face as he pat Jay's head.

He felt better. He wasn't sure if it was going to last, though. He was just glad to have made up with Jay.

...

"Nevermore," the raven suddenly said, snapping Sunghoon out of his thoughts.

He realized that so much had happened since Sunoo's death, yet he was still the same. Sunghoon finally decided to put two and two together.

The raven wasn't saying "nevermore" because of Sunoo's death, it was saying that because Sunghoon kept on hurting himself.

It was telling him to knock it off.

"Shit," he mumbled under his breath. "You want me to stop, isn't that right?"

The raven didn't utter a word before flying away and disappearing into the night.

...

At that moment, I had my epiphany. It was a year late, but hey, at least I realized it before I was also dead.

The raven isn't real. It never was. It was a figment of my imagination. My subconscious mind was trying to save me. If I kept going down that route, it wouldn't just be Sunoo who was gone.

Hurting and blaming myself wasn't going to fix anything. I eventually realized that, and now I'm working on myself.

I fixed my locket. It wasn't broken, but I replaced the photo with one of Sunoo and me again, just like how it was before.

I'm still not okay. I don't think I'll ever be okay, but things are so much better. After coming clean to those important in my life about what I've been doing to myself, I've gotten an outpouring of support.

Jay kept his promise, too. He stopped judging me and started to help me. He's great. I only doubted him because I was so insecure about how I was feeling. I felt the worst out of everyone and wanted to be reassured that I wasn't the only one who was losing my mind.

Turns out I was the only one losing it. Ha.

I drove myself insane for a year, then let an illusion fix all my problems. I mean, whatever works, I guess. I'd like to think that the raven was Sunoo in disguise. It makes me feel much better.

Memories are still there; out to get you whenever you're least expecting them, but you can control how you feel about them.

You don't need to be hung up on something for ages. It doesn't change anything because it happened in the past.

I'm happy to have remembered.