Sitting in front of a bonfire, Sunghoon sighed. It hadn't been long since Sunoo had passed away, and nothing felt right. He sat alone, unable to face his friends after such tragedy struck the group.

He remembers when it first happened.

Jungwon, who had the terrible fate of finding Sunoo's body had changed so much. He was barely vocal. It made Sunghoon feel bad. Must've been traumatizing to see someone you care about hanging lifelessly.

He remembers how they cried into each other's arms that night. Jungwon patted his head in the same way Sunoo would. It was comforting, but not enough to fix the pain both of them were feeling at that time.

There was Heeseung, too. He still hadn't left his bedroom.

And Jake. Nobody knows if he truly slept yet.

Riki. Oh, Riki. The poor boy had known Sunoo ever since they were both little boys. He refused to leave Sunoo's home but eventually left when his parents handed him the frame that sat on his nightstand, a picture of the seven of them together protected in it.

But Jay. He seemed... off to Sunghoon. It was almost like he didn't care. After everything the group of boys went through, he just didn't care.

It irked Sunghoon so much. He didn't understand why or how someone could act like that after losing such a close friend.

He just hoped that Jay was only putting on an act. Sunghoon didn't know if he could continue his friendship with him if he didn't actually care about Sunoo at all.

Staring at the fire, all Sunghoon wanted was to forget. It hurt so much that he just wanted to leave it all.

Jungwon tried to get him to talk about things, but he wouldn't budge. He had no idea what to say. There was nothing to say that hasn't already been said, anyways.

Pulling at the grass beneath him, Sunghoon felt as if he was losing all sense of reality. He loved Sunoo so much that he wasn't sure what to do at that point as there was nothing to look forward to.

It was true that he had his other friends, but nothing was the same if it wasn't with Sunoo, his beloved.

The letter left by Sunoo sat next to him, unmoving. Although there was an explanation for everything, it still left Sunghoon perplexed about the entire situation. He thought that Sunoo would at least try to reach out to him for help, but he guessed wrong. Not everything will be shared with everyone.

My dearest friends,

Before I say anything, I want to say sorry. I truly am, sorry. It's not every day you'll see your friend hanging there, so I want to apologize for how this is going to affect you guys. I hope you don't take the blame, either.

You want to know why I did it, right? I was just tired. I was tired of everything. I know you know that my upbringing wasn't the greatest, and it's made my life so much worse than I could ever imagine. I tried my best to live, I really did. Especially for you guys, because with you guys, I genuinely felt like everything was going to be okay, but it was only temporary. I go home and nobody cares. Nobody cares about how my day was or how I'm feeling. I can't ask for food, because they just ignore me. I have to do everything myself. I'm only 16, I'm a fucking child. It feels like I'm living on my own and that I've grown up too fast. I'm a burden to my own family, and I'm starting to feel like I'm becoming a burden to you guys too. You've reassured me so many times that I'm not bringing you guys down in any way, and I appreciate it, but at some point, I just couldn't believe your words anymore. In absolutely no way am I saying it's your fault, though. You guys are my everything. You made me feel okay. I just wish that feeling could overpower everything else going on in my mind. I want to stick around, but my time has run out, I'm afraid. I'm at the point of no return. I can't even save myself, I can't expect you guys to do that for me.

I wish I didn't have to do this to fix things, but it's my only way. Trust me, I've tried everything, I really did. Eventually, trying becomes the hardest thing in the whole world. I stopped fighting for myself a long time ago, but I wanted to fight for you guys. For a while, it worked. It worked so well that I thought there was hope for me. But I don't know, things just started going backwards I guess. All my work was unravelling before my eyes and I couldn't do anything but just let it happen. I literally have no fight left in me. Everything is hopeless. Making you guys happy is hopeless. Trying to figure myself out is hopeless. Even leaving my room is hopeless.

I know you guys have tried to help me in your own ways, and I've noticed how you started treating me with the utmost compassion. I appreciate everything you've done for me, seriously. I wouldn't have lived my life with any other people. You guys have truly shown me everything the world has to offer, and I couldn't be more grateful.

So please, Riki, Jungwon, Sunghoon, Jake, Jay, Heeseung, live your lives to the fullest, because I never got to. Things will be okay without me, I promise. Try not to have any regrets, I don't think it's worth it. Keep going forward and you'll get to experience so many more amazing things all because you kept going. You guys are my everything. Don't let your time run short before you can truly feel that everything in your life is complete.

My time has run out. Thank you so much for the best years of my life. I never got to experience happiness until I met you.

Riki, Jungwon, Sunghoon, Jake, Jay, Heeseung. Thank you. For everything. I hope to always be in your hearts.

Love,
Sunoo

The last few sentences of Sunoo's letter always hurt Sunghoon the most. He would reread them repeatedly to try and stop the pain, but every time he did, he was always struck with the same sharp feelings every time. He knew that Sunoo didn't blame him, however, Sunghoon couldn't help but blame himself.

He held the letter in his hands. Would anyone truly notice if it disappeared? They let Sunghoon keep it for a reason. He was the one Sunoo loved the most, so it would only make sense for him to have it.

Now that the letter was in his possession, Sunghoon could do whatever he wanted with it.

His mind shouted at him, "Burn the letter! Forget all your feelings!"

But would he regret it? So many of the words written on the paper were ingrained into his mind. Should he get rid of it, the existence of the letter wouldn't matter.

Sunghoon's grip on the letter tightened, wrinkling the ripped notebook paper it was written on. He didn't want to remember anymore, so he tossed it into the bonfire without a second thought.

And it was gone just like that.

He let out a sigh. When would he start to forget? It would be a long process, but Sunghoon didn't care. He wanted it to happen at that moment.

Tears began rolling down his cheeks. But why? It's not like he felt sad or anything then. All he felt was a sense of emptiness. He and Sunoo would always be together at that very bonfire in the forest, cracking jokes and sitting close together to feel the warmth from each other, along with the warmth of the fire.

Now that he was alone, Sunghoon felt empty. It wasn't the same without Sunoo sitting next to him. It was never going to be the same.

Clutching the pendant of the necklace given to him by Sunoo on his birthday in his hand, Sunghoon wasn't sure what to think. It hurt, so he wanted to forget, but Sunoo was someone he treasured so much. At the same time, he wanted to remember.

He laid back on the grass, staring up at the stars. If he was going to forget, he might as well remember one last time.

...

"Sunghoon, look!" shouted Sunoo, grabbing onto the older's arm, dragging him towards a photo booth.

The two were spending the day at the zoo, and Sunghoon was more than happy to see Sunoo so excited about all the animals he got to see. The day before, Sunoo had opened up to him about not feeling well, so Sunghoon suggested they did something fun to get his mind off it. Sunoo couldn't agree more, recommending they went to the zoo. To Sunghoon, he didn't care where they went, as long as he was with Sunoo, so he easily agreed.

"You wanna take photos?" he asked, allowing himself to be dragged into the small, cramped booth.

With wide, sparkling eyes, Sunoo nodded enthusiastically. "Yes! It'll be cute to have these photos forever."

Despite having a lot of photos of him with Sunoo already, Sunghoon wouldn't mind having more, as he always liked to remember all the memories the two had created together. He, of course, paid for the photos, it was only five dollars anyways.

Sunoo suggested various poses, such as making a heart, and even a kiss on Sunghoon's cheek, causing him to turn red immediately, causing Sunoo to laugh and call him cute.

It definitely was a good day. He loved spending time with the younger so much. It felt as if he was walking on a cloud.

...

Sunghoon felt so guilty. Sunoo was in so much pain and was hiding it. He couldn't save his love and he just felt so bad.

He wasn't satisfied. He would never be satisfied. His mood turned sour within seconds.

Sunghoon pulled at the grass once again, this time in more frustration, tossing the blades of grass into the fire.

Then he began to pull at his hair, silver strands in his palms. Everything hurt so bad that he just wanted the world to stop.

The pendant of his necklace between his fingers, Sunghoon pulled it off his neck. He opened the heart to reveal the photo of Sunoo and him making a heart that was taken at the zoo.

He sighed harshly, throwing the necklace far into the grass. Everything that reminded him of Sunoo and his guilt had to go. It was the only way for him to forget.

Sunghoon decided that forgetting would be the only way to make him feel better again. If he got rid of everything, Sunoo would slip from his mind one way or another, right? He'd stop blaming himself.

Staring into the fire with teary eyes, Sunghoon was startled by the sound of a twig snapping. He turned around, squinting to try and see in the dark.

"Who's there?" he asked. "Sunoo?"

Why he'd ever assume a dead person would be lurking through the forest wasn't clear to Sunghoon, either, but he was desperate for some hope.

No response. He called out again. "Who's there?"

Nobody was there. Absolutely nothing. A shiver was sent down Sunghoon's spine. Nobody was there, so why did it feel as if someone was watching him?

There was a long string of silence after. The fire softly crackling and Sunghoon's slow breathing are only what could be heard.

His hand grazed one of the logs that made up the bonfire. He still wasn't at ease. If anything was out there, he wouldn't know. The light from the fire was barely enough to help him see anything.

After some time, he just shrugged it off. It must've been his imagination, nothing else.

While everything was happening, Sunghoon's mind still stayed put on Sunoo and how much he missed him. It was aggravating. No matter what happened, he couldn't seem to think of anything else. He missed Sunoo and it hurt so much.

"I miss you," he spoke to the fire, tears once again pouring out of his eyes. "I miss you so much and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you. I wish I could've been able to save you. It's my fault. Would it hurt you if I wanted to forget? Because it hurts me to remember."

What was Sunghoon doing? Talking to the fire as if it were Sunoo? The way he was starting to act made him scared of himself.

He wanted so badly to forget everything, that he was going through more extreme lengths to get his mind off of Sunoo.

Standing up, Sunghoon walked over to a nearby tree, beginning to pick at the bark of it until he managed to peel off a large enough piece. He sat back down by the fire, rolling up his sleeve. The tree bark wouldn't work great, but it would bring his attention to something else.

He snapped the bark in half, creating a sharp point. Without hesitation, he brought it to his unmarked skin, pressing down as hard as he could as he dragged it across his arm. Sunghoon winced in pain as he saw the blood draw.

It hurt, but not nearly as much as it hurt to feel guilty about what happened to Sunoo.

Sunghoon repeated again and again, finally getting used to the new—yet familiar—pain it caused. 

Still, he wasn't satisfied. The memories he shared with Sunoo were still tucked away in his mind, ready to pour out and cause him to hurt. It wasn't enough.

Dropping the tree bark once he ran out of space, Sunghoon's attention was now directed to the fire. He hadn't been burned before, but he was sure that it couldn't be that bad. Not as bad as how he felt every single day.

He hesitated, but slowly brought his arm up to the fire, not yet touching it, but close enough for him to feel the intense warmth it produced.

There still was a chance for Sunghoon to turn back, but he was desperate and hopeless. He wasn't going to.

Sunghoon let his arm inch closer to the large, dancing flame, finally coming in contact with it.

It hurt so bad, but he didn't pull back. Tears were forming in his eyes, and he ignored them to keep his arm there. He kept his arm to the flame until it became absolutely unbearable, examining his arm when he pulled away.

A shiny, red burn was left on his arm. It stung, as his arm now had both cuts and a burn.

Still not satisfied.

How far would Sunghoon have to go to feel satisfied? He deserved all the pain coming his way and knew it. That's why he was doing it in the first place. To him, everything that happened was his fault.

He searched through the grass for the necklace gifted to him by Sunoo, opening up the heart pendant. Sunghoon stared long and hard at the photo, suddenly having an idea.

Carefully, he pulled the photo out of the pendant. It was cute to look at, but it made him uncomfortable.

Slowly, Sunghoon began ripping the photo down the middle to separate him from Sunoo. The side that had Sunoo on it went back inside the necklace, and it went around Sunghoon's neck once again.

The side that had him on it went into the fire. His mind only shouted, "it's your fault! You deserve it!"

Finally, better.