Becoming pregnant became an unwelcome invitation for family and strangers to talk about your looks and their comments on your appearance were far from helpful as you tried not to focus on the outer consequences and look at the deeper meaning of it all instead.

It all started in the early months when people were just finding out and said it didn't look like you were pregnant, you looked exactly the same. You couldn't tell whether that was supposed to be a compliment or just a reminder that you were overweight.

It didn't really matter though because it made you feel awful about yourself either way. You felt guilty because you were unhappy when people congratulated you and said something that you found hurtful. Jimin tried to comfort you and encourage you to take it just as any other comment, it didn't have to matter even if it was well-intentioned.

"I dreamed about a bird and a flower*, Jimin-ah!" you cried distraught. Your fiance had never seen you burst into tears as much as he had these last few weeks and he was lost as to what to do.

"What's the matter? Eomma says that means we might have a baby girl" Jimin smiled warmly at the thought. But that only made you sob pitifully. "You don't want a girl?" he asked puzzled by your reaction.

"I promise I'm not crazy, but there can only be one girl in your life!"

"Aegi, would you seriously be jealous of our own daughter?" Jimin was trying hard not to laugh, but this was shocking to say the least.

"Don't get me wrong, I would love her all the same, but-" you couldn't even finish the sentence and Jimin stood there willing his twitching lips to not let him utter a sound. You were completely serious.

"You'll always be my baby, aegi. Nothing would change" he tried to reassure you.

"What if she's a daddy's girl, uh? That's not nothing!" you spat out annoyed because he knew well that was a lie, or so you thought.

"Oh, I see" Jimin teased you smirking amused with a little chuckle, "did you want to be daddy's*¹ girl? I can do both, baby. I will still be yours and then our little girl's who made me one to begin with."

Your cheeks blushed bright red and you were so flustered you pushed him back. He just laughed at how affected you were, it was difficult to understand what it was exactly that you wanted.

"You don't need a mini me, you already have me! I can't compete with a child"

"How is that fair? And if it's a mama's boy then what about me?" he raised a fair point.

"Then I have you and a little manggaetteok*² to coddle all day every day! We can play video games and talk dinosaurs, it's perfect!" your eyes lit up as you talked about it, the nickname you picked was amusing.

"I thought taemyeong*³ were supposed to be actual names, but sure why not? Anyway, you can do all that with a little girl"

"Girls are terrible and difficult, I can hardly deal with myself, Jimin-ah! Do you not want a boy?" you asked with big eyes and a pout and he pressed his lips together.

"I do, aegi. But I wouldn't oppose to a girl, I'll love our baby no matter what" he leaned closer to you and pecked you trying to wipe that frown off your face.

"Well, sucks to suck, it has to be a boy so you are going to have to deal with it" you said firmly and he licked his lips amused and bit on them trying not to laugh. "If you give me a girl, I'm going dark*⁴" you threatened him and with that he couldn't hold back any longer.

Now he was kind of scared of the outcome, but he could never ignore you. He was happy to give you all the attention you wanted and you were happy to do the same for him, you both craved that sort of reassurance.

Your pregnancy was far from smooth and you had multiple scares, including a threatened abortion*⁵ almost halfway through. While you really wanted this baby, it was incredibly hard to resist listening to the side of you that told you all these changes on your body ought to be stopped, that you didn't deserve this.

That day, when Jimin rushed out of work to meet you at the hospital after you were taken in because you were bleeding and in pain, had been one of the worst days of your life. You were sure you had lost your baby for not being strong enough to stay away from disordered behaviors.

You had cried thinking about it, but the worst was seeing Jimin's face as he burst through the door with stained cheeks. He had been crying on his way and he cried after the doctor told you it was a threatened miscarriage and you and the baby were alright.

Regardless, Dr. Choi gave you strict return precautions, suggested making ultrasounds and explained that while the pregnancy could keep progressing, there was also the chance of a spontaneous abortion. You'd have even more frequent check-ups to help with your struggles.

You cried yourself to sleep in Jimin's arms that night, he didn't blame you, but you could tell he was just as affected as you by the horrible situation you had gone through. After that, you swore to yourself that you wouldn't let him or your baby suffer again because of you.

If you caused this loss, you wouldn't be able to forgive yourself. Jimin had said he'd never take the chance of having a child away from you, so you were determined not to take the chance away from him either. Your baby deserved the chance to live the happy life that you didn't have when young.

To be raised putting the focus on what truly matters and not their appearance or people's expectations. To grow up healthy and nurtured and not see food as the enemy or the reflection on the mirror as the definition of who they are as a person.

Your families on both sides tried to advice you on what was best during your pregnancy and they were driving you crazy despite their intentions. Telling you what to eat, what not to eat, to not exercise, to keep moving, to focus on resting, to keep working, until you both blew up and told your mothers mainly, that you'd handle this on your own.

In an effort to help in any way he could, Jimin drove back home every day when he had his lunch break to eat with you. Sometimes you were okay with eating, sometimes you were in such a bad place mentally that you even cried while you did, but his support helped you get through it.

There are women that quit their eating disorders during pregnancy as there are women whose eating disorders are triggered or worsened because of it*⁶. Even if they didn't have issues with food before. Unfortunately you were the latter and you didn't have it easy.

Jimin was emotionally and physically drained trying to get through it all and he often relied on the guys to keep going and not let him go too far or sink too low. He forgot to prioritize and take care of himself*⁷ first and foremost thinking about you and the baby.

They were there to remind him that he, too, mattered when your words weren't enough to comfort him with how hard he was on himself. Their bond was thicker than blood could ever be to you and you were both grateful for them who were on the sidelines rooting for you and only intervening when needed.

As you worked harder, you started seeing changes that encouraged you, you might have gained weight, but so had your baby who had been growing slower than they should have. The chances of a premature birth or having a miscarriage lowered and you had something to be happy about when you couldn't be happy with yourself.

Like all your significant dates such as Christmas Eve and Halloween, your little squishy mochi came into the world the day of your birthday at a healthy weight and without any major complications. You couldn't stop staring at his rosy cheeks*⁸ and curious eyes.

Jimin fondly observed you from the armchair to a side as you talked to your baby boy about anything and everything. The same eyes that stared back at you from your arms, were your own that stared at him, but it was Jimin's same nose, cheeks and lips that you kept poking and booping adoringly.

Your fiance leaned in from the side of the bed, his arms crossed and elbows supporting him as he made himself comfortable next to you.

"Look who it is, hi daddy!" you cooed at your baby as you shook his tiny hand and Jimin laughed softly, laying his head on his own staring up at you two.

"Hey, baby" he replied, but when you looked at him, his eyes were fixed on you and not the little boy as expected. Your face flushed, but you got the message, he wanted your attention too.

When you tried to lean down, his lips met you halfway to save you the extra effort and you could feel them curl underneath yours. He held onto the hand that held your baby close to your chest not wanting to leave him out.

Once he pulled back, his nose was unexpectedly booped and then his kid's. You switched between their cheeks and lips, to then repeat the motion one more time making him giggle. Your smile was so bright, so relaxed and joyful each time he met your eyes.

Jimin wanted this moment to last forever, just him and his babies. All happy and carefree.

"Annyeong!" a squeaky voice came from the door as it creaked open and someone's head popped in.

"My hometown buddy! Hob-ah!" you said softly but excitedly. His smile was impossibly wider as he looked at the little bundle in your arms and walked closer.

"I can't believe I missed your whole pregnancy! I brought a little something to make up for it" he'd only returned from the military the month before.

"Little?" Jimin giggled looking at all the bags he put down by the hospital's bed.

"He's going to be the most stylish baby, won't you, buddy?" he cooed as he leaned in and you put your arms down so he could see the boy's face.

"Jiminie, he's just like you!" he said looking up at him and then back at the baby. "But those eyes undeniably are his eomma's" Hobi added as he looked at you and mirrored your grin.

"Taetae samchon is here!" Taehyung came through with just as many bags as Hobi and Jimin smiled to himself. The pile by the side of the bed grew.

"Can I hold him?" he asked getting closer and looking over his hyung's shoulder.

"What a cutie!" he cooed and looked at you intently awaiting an answer.

"Not before I do, Taehyung-ah" Jimin chimed in.

"You still haven't?" Hobi asked surprised.

"No. I've just been sitting here, barely got a kiss" he shared looking pitiful and you chuckled. You had been too distracted.

"Come here, silly" you called him trying to sit up and Tae hurried to help you.

You handed your baby to his father and they looked at each other for a brief moment. Jimin's smile slowly grew wider as he stared. Your baby. Something you'd lost hope for.

Jimin wiped the back of his fingers across one of his eyes and you looked at your two boys with a full heart. You couldn't be happier with how your life had turned out.

It's not like he hadn't wanted to have children before, but the fact that at one point it seemed to be much more complicated made him appreciate this moment much more. He didn't know if this would be the only child you two could have, but he was more than enough.

He kissed his little head and stroked it lovingly as he too couldn't look away. Namjoon, Jungkook and Jin came shortly after, Yoongi was still away for a few months. They gathered around him to look at the baby and couldn't help but smile together with him.

To make space for everyone, Jimin had an excuse to lay on the bed next to you after handing the baby to Taehyung to carry. He held you close to fit in the smaller bed and enjoyed having you all to himself just for a little bit longer.

"Thank you for the slippers, the baby cologne and the cot mobile!" you looked at each of the guys as you thanked them. They each offered you a sweet smile and a little nod.

"They were so tiny and adorable, I couldn't help it" Joon commented about the footwear he'd got. All things small seemed to be irresistible to him.

"The cologne is very similar to Downy's baby fragrance, it was perfect" Jungkook leaned closer to the little boy's head and sniffed it curiously, with him being sensitive to smells you weren't surprised at all that this was his gift.

Jin held up the mobile pleased with himself, from it hung different sea creatures, he knew you loved the sea-life, so he had made it his mission to find the right kind for your baby.

"It's got a jellyfish and I got him a plesiosaurus friend for his cot to complete the set. There's no doubt Seokjinnie samchon's gift is the most fun, isn't it?" the eldest cooed at the baby just as Namjoon carefully held him up for him to hold next.

"Well, we shouldn't stay much longer, you probably need to sleep" Hobi said figuring you were exhausted having just given birth. They had been waiting outside though, dying to meet the first baby of the band.

"Thanks for coming, guys. Really" Jimin said as they saw themselves out one by one, waving back at you three as you smiled up at them tiredly.

As you pulled your gown down your chest a bit, your fiance quickly pressed his forehead to your shoulder to give you some privacy to feed the baby.

"Why are you shy? Contrary to popular belief, this is what they are made for" you commented holding the boy's head to bring him closer and attempt to feed him for the first time.

You were afraid you wouldn't be able to breastfeed at all*⁹, but the moment he latched onto you, all what you had eaten felt worth it because you could offer the nutrients your son needed. Jimin noticed how you looked down at your baby with slightly furrowed eyebrows.

"You did amazing all throughout, aegi. I'm so proud of you" he encouraged you hoping you weren't worrying needlessly and kissed your head and laid his cheek on it as he curled up around your side and encircled your waist with one arm.

"I'm still scared, Jiminie. It makes no sense, I'm so happy right now, but I can't stop thinking about how unhappy I am with the way my body looks. And people are going to go back to telling me to lose the weight because I'm not pregnant so it is not okay anymore" a tear ran down your cheek and his heart broke.

"Aegi, no. You know your body better than anyone, listen to it and not to anyone else, they don't even know what they are talking about. Just keep doing what you always do to stay healthy and it'll be okay. I'll be right beside you" Jimin said nuzzling your hair and holding you a little tighter.

"I am grateful for our baby, but I feel so ugly" you murmured feeling ashamed of yourself.

"Your body gave us our beautiful son, didn't it? It's doing better than it ever has, right?" Jimin said and you thought about it for a minute. If you had not fought to get here, you wouldn't have your baby, not with how things were before. There was no way around it.

"It was worth it" you said without a doubt looking down at the boy that had fallen asleep in your arms after being full and you giggled with that realization.

"Just take it one step at a time, aegi. I'll be there to hold you up when it gets rough" he said smiling reassuringly and you nodded.

"I have a new phrase for my mirror" you announced, "fuck body positivity*¹⁰, I am much more than my body."

"Sounds about right, aegi. Maybe you should write some new phrases. Don't tear mine out though, I still think you are hot" he commented snickering and you looked at him unamused.

"I appreciate what you are doing and I love you, but don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying!" he exclaimed defensively.

"I found it hard to believe it with how my body looked before, but now it would be gullible of me to believe you" you were determined to not have his sincere compliment, so he'd make you ask for it, like the lovely paradox you were.

"You don't believe me?" he growled in your ear and you blushed at the tone.

"You play too much, Mr. Park. Plus there's a minor in the room, stop touching my thigh, you pervert*¹¹" you said smiling amused and he laughed softly not wanting to wake up the baby.

"See, that's hot of you. Your no non-sense attitude" he commented non-chalantly and you raised an eyebrow curiously.

"Ah, sure. What else?" with your bored tone you pretended to be unbothered, but it was already working as you wanted to hear more. Jimin smirked pleased.

"You are hot when you are assertive, when you walk in a room like you own it, when you direct at work, but easily give in at my touch," your eyes widened and your face burned as he kept mentioning things without even needing a second to think.

"But you don't only get shy, you also turn it back around and that's even more attractive. It's the way you tease me unexpectedly, it's the way you carry yourself, how you take yet also give, how you want me but won't make yourself readily available.

The maddening contradiction that you are makes me hot, baby."

"Ireon, Mr. Park! Calm down" you blurted out feeling flustered, it was your heart that needed to slow down its agitated beats though. Jimin just looked at you intensely with the most devious smirk he had ever pulled off and you looked the other way. How could you look down and at your child after that?

"I'm glad he won't remember this" you added taking a deep breath and sighing.

"So, am I still a liar?" he asked wondering whether it worked.

"I can't with you, Park Jimin"

"Too bad you are glued to me" he chuckled.

"Likewise. There's no way out, I told you so" you said nodding immediately and his lips curled.

"Forever together, baby" Jimin cupped your cheek and made you face him before sealing that promise with a heartfelt kiss.

"The child, Jimin. You are an appa now" you pushed him back and off the bed when it got more heated and he sat back down on the chair to a side without complaining.

"I'm daddy to my two babies" he teased you relentlessly and your face couldn't be any redder.

"I'm too hot" you fanned yourself and he giggled thinking poorly of it, "I dare you to say another word about it."

He pressed his lips together knowing just when to stop and you laughed softly at the sight of him struggling not to laugh. Now you had two children if he had two babies, it seemed.

"I'll go get some dinner" he said checking the time on his watch and knowing you should be given yours anytime now.

"You'd better leave the hoe outside before you come in through that door when you come back."

"I'll be a whole daddy for you, baby. Don't you worry" he said grinning innocently. You flung your extra pillow at him and it hit the door just as he exited the room giggling softly.

"Appa, aegi. The best appa to our baby" Jimin poked his head in one last time and smiled sweetly. He could be as serious as he was playful.

Meeting Jimin had undeniably been the best thing that had ever happened to you. Your personal growth came about not only because of his unconditional love, but because he showed you how to be your own person, that loving yourself didn't mean you had to like every last bit of who you were, but accept it as it was.

This man gave you the courage to find your voice and stand up to those people and situations that weighed you down more than your physical weight ever would. Just by loving you, just by cheering for you, he gave you the strength to find yourself in between the voices inside and outside of you.

It would take years for you to truly feel proud of yourself and deserving of love, your own and his, but you would get there. With such a loving husband and a beautiful child to raise without judgement or prejudice, you'd strive to practice what you preached. He didn't need to be told what to do as you had, he had to become his own self.

The dark thoughts would be more spaced out, sometimes nothing but indiscernible whispers, other times just loud enough to hear them, but when you had a choice to make you had the power to face those demons and come out even stronger rather than weakened.

While the mirror would never come to reveal your true self, one Park Jimin, who had always been able to see it, even through your ugliest moments, even before you were able to see it yourself, would faithfully stand by you to remind you of your worth when you needed it the most.

To be your eyes when you couldn't see, to be your strength when you couldn't stand, your joy when you couldn't smile, your hope when you wanted to let go and your safe haven when you wanted everything to stop.

And then he'd help you up on your own two feet once more, so you could go and take the world by storm like he knew you always had.

-

Wow so, the time has finally come to say goodbye to another book and I'm not prepared. Leaving each one behind is like a mourning period. Big changes have their periods of coming to terms with leaving something behind.

As a writer, I should be able to write about any topic regardless of having the personal knowledge about it. This is very daunting because I want to do justice to the topic I'm writing about not to fail to represent people who actually go through these things.

My research is probably my attempt at doing this. Writing about Korean men, regardless of the topic I choose, also means I do my best not to westernize the way they carry themselves. For instance you might think it's weird for Jimin to check a lunar calendar, but it's very common.

Having friends who have struggled with invisible illnesses and eating disorders, I wanted to learn more from a young age to be able to support them. So while I had some knowledge, I didn't have nearly as much as I do now.

I hope I could portray those who suffer from these accurately and raise awareness on some lesser known aspects of it, like anorexia in overweight people, infertility as a side-effect, body dysmorphic disorder (which is not always about weight, but any aspect one obsesses over) contributing to it, how getting better is a constant battle, etc.

There's so much more and there are so many more eating disorders I did not address or only mentioned briefly, but they are not as black and white as they seem, reason why EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) exists for when people don't fit a single diagnosis.

We need to normalize talking about eating disorders so people don't feel shame bringing them up and others don't minimize the different illnesses, specially doctors who don't seem to be properly prepared to treat them.

I tried to address severe anxiety as well, rather than bulimia, as a relative of mine gets physically sick when overly stressed. Also fatphobia, how women and overweight people are discriminated in the South Korean workplace and how they have internalized fatshaming in society.

As I'm not Korean, I am not entirely sure I wrote this accurately, but I hope I was able to get the point across at least. I think it's important to share the culture of these people we admire as it is often misinterpreted.

Anyway, I want to thank Jelly1799 to whom I've dedicated this book, for her constant reassurance and openness to discuss her ultimate bias and different thought processes to mine. It was a pleasure to write a book for you and I hope in a few years we won't find it cringey when we look back, lol.

More information on Eating Disorder Recovery:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hunger-artist/201109/is-100-recovery-eating-disorder-possible

https://www.centralcoasttreatmentcenter.com/blog-1/partial-eating-disorder-recovery-vs-full-recovery

Resources for sufferers:

https://www.worldeatingdisordersday.org/home/find-help/

https://www.worldeatingdisordersday.org/get-involved/participating-organisations/

More information on dealing with Body Dysmorphic Disorder:

https://www.psycom.net/body-dysmorphic-disorder

https://www.talkspace.com/blog/body-dysmorphia-effects/

https://www.headspace.com/articles/body-dysmorphia

https://www.vice.com/en/article/ywmg5m/in-the-mirror-what-i-saw-was-a-monster-living-with-body-dysmorphic-disorder

https://www.insider.com/how-to-treat-body-dysmorphia-2018-7

Resources for sufferers:

https://bddfoundation.org/support/

https://bddfoundation.org/information/helpful-resources/

*Specifically Jimin's mom's dream at 1:50:

https://youtu.be/DxaXCQGjnVc

*¹ Let me remind you that the term daddy in a sexual sense does not exist in Korean so I would assume they don't really use it. Appa is the word in Korean for daddy and abeoji for father. However, with the number of English speaking fans that throw the word around, I'm sure they've heard of it (and could use it as a teasing weapon, though not seriously).

I just like to take the piss out of this this kink which seems to be a trope in fanfiction, it's a very personal pet peeve of mine and I do not mean to offend anyone who is into it. I figured I had to make my little disclaimer after also doing it in my Yoongi book, MIML.

*² Manggaetteok is Jimin's nickname in Korean for mochi. The translation isn't exact as mochi is a type of glutinous rice cake from Japan, while manggaetteok is a Korean type that is not necessarily an equivalent.

*³ Koreans will give their baby a nickname or taemyeong. It's a random name that moms come up with to call their child while pregnant. This is not necessarily the name they'll give their child once they are born, but sometimes they keep it.

Source: https://thesoulofseoul.net/2014/10/23/what-to-expect-when-youre-expecting-in-korea-pt-1/

*⁴ Comes from a meme in a colloquial sense, but "to go dark" is military lingo for the sudden termination of communication. It is used when you become unavailable, go silent or disappear for an indefinite amount of time.

*⁵ A threatened abortion is vaginal bleeding that occurs in the first 20 weeks of pregnancy without cervical dilatation. The bleeding is sometimes accompanied by abdominal cramps. These symptoms indicate that a miscarriage is possible, which is why the condition is known as a threatened miscarriage.

Anorexia Nervosa has higher rates of miscarriage, prematurity, slower fetal growth, low birth weight babies, poor fetal development, fetal respiratory distress, post partum depression and labor complications.

Sources:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK430747/

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/blog/pregnancy-and-maintaining-eating-disorder-recovery

*⁶

https://www.self.com/story/anorexia-while-youre-pregnant

https://www.todaysparent.com/pregnancy/pregnancy-health/pregnancy-is-the-eating-disorder-trigger-no-one-ever-talks-about/

*⁷

https://youtu.be/Fxe3DX44V4Y

*⁸ Jimin's naturally rosy cheeks

*⁹ https://mothertobaby.org/baby-blog/eating-disorders-in-pregnancy-and-breastfeeding-why-eating-healthy-isnt-always-easy/

*¹⁰ https://www.todaysparent.com/family/womens-health/body-neutrality/

*¹¹ Found him and his habit with every single member but Jin!