As months passed, Jimin's schedule got busier and the time to see each other was very limited. You wanted to make the most out of it, but many times it was cut short in favor of cuddling while napping or laying in bed for hours talking.

Even if you both loved it, as he would do just that on days off on his own, you wanted to go out and do more exciting things, but your body would just not cooperate. You knew the answer was to give it something to burn and fuel you, but you were scared.

Once you were allowed to go to the gym again and with Jimin's encouragement, you started trying to increase your portions little by little. It wasn't easy and your anxiety increased as you felt yourself gaining weight simply from your body adjusting, no matter how small the food intake was.

Not having a mirror made you feel worse at some point because your clothes didn't fit and it was left to your hyperactive mind to imagine what was going on. While you could use the mirrors at the gym, you couldn't really check yourself out thoroughly.

In an effort to help, Jimin suggested a few things that helped him cope. One of them was to keep the mirror somewhere where you don't come across it constantly, this meant not the bathroom, the back of the main door or over your dresser.

You ended up hanging a full-body one on the inside of one of the doors of your closet, the one you opened the least. It was tempting to spend way too long in front of it so you covered it with an old sheet and did your best to minimize body checking.

Sometimes you did well enough, but other times you were a sobbing mess and would dwell on what you looked like to the point of being sick.

Jimin visited one day with a stack of post-its and a couple markers and together you covered the whole frame of your mirror with positive notes.

Your boyfriend wrote a few for you and shared some quotes, but then asked you to come up with your own statements and affirmations as well, to show yourself some love. There were things you were confident about and loved about yourself, it didn't all have to be about the way you looked.

Staring at your reflection didn't necessarily have to be about believing your body was beautiful, this was one of the bases Jimin established as we are often attached to the idea that our appearance is what make us beautiful.

I have a beautiful mind, heart, and spirit. And I'm okay the way I am.

The first note he stuck to the frame was this, next to it he added another one that said 'I love you' with an overwhelming amount of little hearts and then a more light-hearted one to make you laugh. He even tried to imitate your handwriting for it: 'Park Jimin thinks I'm hot'.

I don't want to be held down by denial.

I am not toxic, just a little broken.

My weight does not define me. I am not my eating disorder.

I have a right to be happy and healthy.

I deserve love, care and respect.

Recovery is hard, but the alternative is worse.

Strong, full of energy and healthy is sexy.

Those were just a few of the phrases you both came up with.

To finish, Jimin gifted you a journal to write all your thoughts down to hopefully relieve some of the anxiety you felt. On the first page, he wrote 'Nevermind' and freely drew around the word so you'd remember the keyword that helped him be kinder to himself and would hopefully help you too.

Another thing he suggested was you get rid of clothes that don't fit anymore immediately and treat yourself to new, comfortable ones through which you could express yourself. Your shopping trips became specially fun with time as you discovered your personal style. Even Hobi joined in sometimes to offer a more out-of-the-box view on fashion.

Even though you were terrified, you finally agreed to see a therapist under the condition that they didn't insist on in-patient treatment. To some it might work, but then to others it really didn't and you were one of those people who couldn't be forced out of things. It only made you more stubborn and unwilling to cooperate.

With this in mind, Jimin did his best to find the contact of a good doctor in Seoul that was familiarized with eating disorders and could assess the situation as a whole. One that could refer you to someone who could treat your mental health and take care of your body's well-being.

You finally were seeing a professional today and you were nervous as you tightly held onto an endless number of sheets with results. A huge list of tests to have done had been sent to you in order for you to be prepared for your first appointment.

Unfortunately, Jimin couldn't come with you to offer moral support, but he assured you he would drop by your place as soon as he was done for the day, even if it was really late at night. Maybe it was for the best, you thought, that you faced these things by yourself first and had some time before you saw him.

"I understand. I think you could benefit from seeing a nutritionist in the long run, they can take away a lot of the burden of having to plan meals multiple times a day. But I won't force you until you've talked this through with Dr. Kim and feel ready" the man who introduced himself as Dr. Choi concluded after you told him your experience with diets was very traumatic having grown up with your mom's ways.

"Okay, thank you. Is Dr. Kim a psychiatrist?" you asked pulling onto a strand of hair over your shoulder anxiously. He offered a comforting smile imagining what you were worried about.

"She is, she also has a degree in psychology so she'll talk to you and you'll figure out together whether you should try any medication, mainly to deal with the severe anxiety. No one will force you to take anything if you don't want to and I will have to authorize everything that's done.

If you don't like her, there's plenty of capable doctors we can try until you feel comfortable. Mental health treatment is not as linear or straight-forward and it's completely normal to go through a series of hit-and-miss experiences until you find the professional that's right for you.

Does that sound okay?"

You hesitated at his words, you had had really ugly experiences with doctors in the past. Maybe not about this particular issue, but your body in general. Being pushed to do things against your will, with strangers crossing boundaries and getting you out of your comfort zone forcefully had left you feeling uneasy about trusting health workers in general.

"I'm going to need you to trust me, miss. Without your consent I can not help you unless it's an emergency" Dr. Choi shared calmly, once again highlighting the fact that he wasn't going to act unless you agreed or you were in immediate danger.

"Okay" you eventually said with a small nod and you started going through the results you brought in together with him.

After a long talk about anything and everything that needed to be addressed about the state of your body and the steps to follow to work on getting you healthy, you finally got the courage to ask a pressing question that had always been in the back of your mind.

"Is it possible that I've done permanent damage to my organs?"

"As we work together, we'll figure it out, but there's a chance we won't be able to revert all of it. I can guarantee, however, that you'll see an improvement in the long run in many aspects."

"Will I get my period back?" you asked and swallowed hard.

"Since these habits developed at a very young age and you've kept up with them for over 15 years, I'm afraid there's a high chance there will be complications in that aspect. Many patients have a healthy cycle once they are properly nourished, but then others might have issues, specially if their hormonal development was affected."

Your heart sank at his words, it had been right around the time your body started maturing. If you hadn't started at such a young age, maybe your body would have gone through more than a handful of cycles. The man saw you lost in thought and cut your dark downward spiral.

"Miss, I know this is difficult to hear, but I intend to be 100% honest with you now that you have put your trust in me. This is not your fault, you did not choose this disorder, but you can choose not to let it rule your life."

His words were mildly comforting, but at least they stopped you from beating yourself up. It was hard not to be angry at yourself though, yet that anger meant you were not denying what you were putting your body through. You were no longer minimizing the consequences.

You didn't fully believe it, not yet and you weren't sure if you ever would, but you were going to focus on the positive thoughts and tell yourself you could get through this.

You would prove it to yourself, you would try to believe in yourself like Jimin believed in you, even if you ended up having 1% of his conviction.

That night you told your brother to sleep in your room so you could wait for Jimin to get off work and come over without worrying about disturbing his sleep. At around midnight he finally made it and as soon as you opened the door you threw your arms around his waist.

"Yah, aegi..." he muttered softly and stroked your hair as he held you tightly.

"I'm sorry, it's so late" you felt guilty you had made him come see you, he had been working so hard lately with the rap line enlisting later in the year and the vocal line having to take over until Jin returned. They were preparing so much content and you could tell he was exhausted.

"I offered to come, I wanted to be here" he said holding onto your head sweetly and kissing it before bringing it against his chest.

"Do you want to talk? Do you want to sleep?" he asked knowing better by now that he shouldn't push you to tell him about what was bothering you. The comfort he could offer didn't involve words when you needed time to go over difficult things on your own. You would share when you were ready.

"I've been thinking about it all day, I really need to tell another soul. Being with Jeonghun and pretending like I don't want to die has been the most challenging and emotionally exhausting thing" you blurted out and Jimin's heart clenched.

"Oh, aegi, I'm sorry" he gently cupped your cheeks and softly kissed your lips, then rested his forehead against yours and let out a deep sigh. Jimin was afraid of what you were about to tell him, of hearing how bad the situation was.

Thankfully he had had the support he needed from everyone around him and his own issues hadn't reached the depth of yours. He didn't know when exactly, but he knew it had all started way back in middle school for you and these things could be life threatening.

It was an awfully long time of mistreating your body and he could hardly imagine what that would be like with how tormented he felt by his thoughts during his darkest hours. It didn't make his experience less valid or relevant, but he couldn't be of much help when it came to this.

"Okay, come on. Tell me all about it" he murmured as he held onto your upper arms and gently guided you back to the sofa bed. You sat down and after you were wrapped snugly in a blanket, he uncorked a bottle of wine to be able to swallow whatever he was about to hear.

Jimin offered you a glass first and then poured some on his and laid back to listen to you attentively.

You were referred by the physician to another doctor, you were starting therapy, medication for anxiety was not a given for now, you needed to make some adjustments to what you ate to help with the vitamin deficiencies, but you didn't have to see a nutritionist yet.

The industry unfortunately dealt with a lot of idols going on dangerous diets and developing eating disorders trying to stick to perfect bodies paired with intensive routines. The one positive aspect of it though, had been that he didn't have to dig really deep to find the contacts that you needed.

He was incredibly proud of you for being strong enough to get help, asking for it is asking to be held accountable and you can't force anyone to take action when they don't want to. Your desire to get better came from within, your efforts were for you and your improvement came about because of you.

No matter what you said about him, all he did was merely be there for you unconditionally and help wherever he could sharing his own experience. You did all the work. They say sometimes that you go through certain things to be able to aid others later on.

It was a much brighter approach than he had ever had about his own struggles and it was healing, it felt liberating. He learned through, he grew with and he overcame that pain and for once he was thankful for it because he had the tools to guide you.

Even if it was to help you, to help a single soul, it was worth it. He never ever thought that moment in his life would bring anything back but bitter memories and reopen old wounds, but it all strangely turned around. A curse turned into a blessing.

Jimin poured himself another glass of wine as you told him about your weakened bones, wonky metabolism and the various ways in which your organs were affected. The extent to which eating too little and starving yourself could ruin you made him feel sick to his stomach.

"While a good portion of it can be reversed through treatment, there's this one thing...I was hoping it was going to be different, but..." you started crying and he hurried to put his glass down and bring you close to him.

You sat in between his legs and laid on his chest as he held you closely, just letting you cry all you needed before you continued.

"I really wanted to be a mom one day, Jiminie" you said softly and he pressed his lips together as he assimilated what you were saying. "I'm sorry I fucked up" you choked at your words.

"Aegi, no, why are you apologizing? You don't have to" it was heartbreaking to see you blaming yourself for being in pain and suffering.

"I don't want you to resent me later in life, I know you will want a family at some point and I can't-I-I'll never be the one to give it to you" you could barely get the words out.

"What? No! Aegi, there's other ways..." Jimin wasn't sure what to say to comfort you, this had taken him off guard even if you had talked about the likelihood of it multiple times when talking sex.

"There's surrogate mothers, right?" he offered the first thing he could come up with, there sure were options and it's not like he had never considered your poor health. You barely had energy to go out and about, your body was frail.

"No. There's no way in hell, Mr. Park!" you answered heatedly and he looked at you bewildered.

"Baby, you know how it works, don't you?" he teased you, but he couldn't understand why you'd find the thought upsetting. It's not like he was going to have to do it with anyone else.

"You are stuck with me forever, that includes every last one of your little swimmers! They are going nowhere near any other woman. I'd rather not have a baby" you shared resolutely and he hid his burning face with both his hands feeling embarrassed. Your over-the-top jealousy, your phrasing, everything, it was too much and he couldn't help laughing.

"Okay, okay. No surrogacy" Jimin finally caught his breath and tried to continue the serious conversation with another suggestion, "we could always adopt?"

"Don't get me wrong, I would love the child, but..." your pressed your lips together in a pout and he could just see the pain in your eyes as you seemed to go over the facts in your head over and over, not fully processing them just yet.

Once again you cried in his arms feeling utterly distraught. It was soul-destroying to think you couldn't have your own baby, you wouldn't be able to give your boyfriend his own child ever. Wrapping your head around that idea would take a while.

Jimin might say he is okay now, but it was difficult not to feel like you were not good enough in yet another way. He needed time to think about this as well, it was not minor, and the idea of losing him competed with the fact that you had ruined your body to the point you couldn't conceive.

They both were ripping you apart inside mercilessly and tears wouldn't stop coming out no matter how much you cried. To the point you both were crying together eventually. With Jimin feeling so helpless and powerless, frustrated beyond measure because he didn't have the words or actions to make it better in any way.

You simply held each other close and dear, until you cried yourself to sleep in his arms, only exhaustion making it possible to put a stop to it even if until the next morning.

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