The next few weeks you made small changes that you could barely handle, but you really tried. You started by adding a couple extra slices of apple to your prepped meal one day or putting just a splash of milk in your coffee on another occasion.

Some days you'd find yourself contorting in the weirdest positions to look at yourself from every angle with the hand-held mirror. Other days you'd be so anxious you'd get physically sick and then you'd go back to restricting your portions again trying to stop it.

You bought more than one mirror in moments of weakness and then smashed them and threw them out not to be tempted to retrieve them if you just took the entire thing out. It wasn't rare for you to drop by a pharmacy and randomly weigh yourself before or after work or at the gym

Your mind told you your efforts were pathetic and useless, but you tried to ignore it as best as you could. It didn't work most of the time, you failed more than you succeeded, but you didn't want to have another incident at work.

Jimin wasn't sure why you wanted to hang out more often, but every time it was possible, he dropped by your place even if for just an hour. The first time you took the initiative of asking him to go out with you, he was shocked.

You didn't look like you were doing okay that day, but he didn't mention it. He'd told you you could count on him if you were having a bad day and he wasn't about to point it out and make you feel uncomfortable.

Some nights he had stayed until very late watching movies with you, playing games or just talking and he hadn't left until you had knocked yourself out. He'd gently move your head from his shoulder and lay it on a cushion to then cover you with the blanket on the sofa before seeing himself out.

Multiple times you'd wake up to find a small snack or a glass of water on your table. You didn't always eat them, but you'd store them in your cabinets to go back to them. Maybe add a few nuts to your apple slices or crumble up a piece of a cereal bar on top of them.

When you were in a particularly dark place mentally, you couldn't do anything at all. You'd skip entire days to make up for those when you ate the extra pieces. Or you'd end up eating more than you usually did, all at once as if rebelling, and getting sick because your body couldn't take it.

You didn't think you could get far with your attempts, but at least it was different. At least you felt like you were doing something more normal even if it was far from it.

Jimin didn't miss how you'd take a few extra pieces of popcorn or how the container he brought the previous week with Jin's food wasn't as full as usual sometimes.

Even if you only took a few extra teaspoons throughout the week, it was enough to make a difference after seven days. He smiled to himself each time, these things were nearly unnoticeable, but he was used to paying close attention to details like those.

His rituals with food were so carefully calculated when he was struggling, the slightest change and he would freak out. He'd be irritable and upset, even if it was only someone mixing the food he bought with the rest of the stuff in the fridge.

If someone tried to share their food or questioned his choices, he'd feel self-conscious and sometimes not eat at all out of guilt. When they told him he looked slimmer he felt proud of his efforts, but his weight ultimately yo-yoed and he never actually felt good about it. It was fleeting.

Healthy meant fat, so mentioning the damage he was doing to himself didn't help at all. If he looked like he was doing better, it meant he was slacking. It meant he was eating too much or not exercising enough. He'd try to burn every ounce he ate at the gym when he had some spare time.

As he stayed up late at night practicing at the studio, he also did working out if he hadn't had time during the day. It was impossible for him to go to sleep if he hadn't completed the routine he meticulously planned in his head.

He was exhausted, he was stressed and the voices in his head weren't ever pleased with what he was doing. Their fans made it known that they weren't happy either, no matter how hard he tried he was miserable.

It's like everyone took turns being disappointed in him when all he wanted was to show them he cared. To be at what he figured was his best so they would be as happy as they made him. To give back for their support.

It was a vicious circle that ultimately didn't lead anywhere. There wasn't going to be a point when he'd finally make it work, when he'd finally maintain the weight and keep it low without hurting himself.

He kept fainting, he didn't have even half the energy needed to get through their long days. It was either giving up one of the few things that made him feel happy, his journey with his brothers, or giving up trying to make everyone else happy.

His body couldn't take everything he was doing to it on top of their busy schedule, the long hours of practice, the dancing, the exercising even after they were done for the day. He could barely focus when he wasn't eating and the simplest tasks were difficult to get through.

People didn't stop judging. They didn't stop talking about the baby fat or the chubby cheeks. They didn't stop lamenting when he didn't work as much on his abs. The comments about his weight or what he ate didn't ever stop, well-intentioned or not.

Kindness. He had to learn to be kinder to himself, he was the first one there when someone was struggling or needed a shoulder to cry on, yet he wouldn't let others do that for him. His head told him he wasn't doing well enough, he didn't try hard enough, he was not worth it.

He wrote down his thoughts in an attempt to relieve the stress and as Namjoon suggested*, he channeled his feelings through composing. His initial pieces were dark, were about telling himself how he had failed, how he felt defeated. Questioning why he was the way he was.

As time progressed and he pushed through, he looked back at those drafts and realized he couldn't get back to that headspace to make anything out of them. What he wrote this time was different, he put down his frustrations and tried to admit to himself, like he couldn't to others, that he was struggling.

Talking about how difficult things were made others open up about their own problems and he realized he wasn't alone. All of them had their own issues, their own internal fights, everyone probably did and they didn't deserve to beat themselves up over them.

Not long after he decided to make a promise to himself: even if life makes things difficult, I won't make things difficult for myself. I won't insult myself. And so his journey towards loving himself started, to being kinder to himself as he was to others.

Jimin knew that you had to go through your own journey, there was nothing he or anyone but you could do to change anything. What he could do, was be by your side to support you every step of the way, be the person he wished he could have been for himself back then.

~

It was a Friday evening and you were feeling decent, the day before you saw Jimin always put you in a good mood. Just thinking about the movies you could watch or the plans you could make kept your mind busy.

You carefully cut up some fruit and decided to be adventurous, drizzling just a little bit of honey on them. It was exciting to try different things after so many years, you didn't think to do it most days when you felt you wouldn't be able to stop though.

Pushing the negative thoughts to the back of your mind, you tried to keep your mind blank, put on some music to fill the silence and sat down on the couch intending to take your time to go through your food.

The fact that you didn't have to go anywhere the next day served as motivation to try this snack for the first time. Jimin wasn't going to judge you if you looked bloated after having eaten more than usual.

You felt anxious about his visits, but you knew the moment he walked in, it would get better for a few hours. Any time out of your head was more than welcome, specially if it was with him.

The doorbell rang and you furrowed your eyebrows, who could possibly drop by at this time of the night? You doubted it was your uncle. It had to be Jimin, there was no one else.

"I'm coming" you said loud enough to be heard from the other side as you quickly shoved a piece of fruit in your mouth and walked towards the door. What was he doing here?

"Jimi-" you started as you opened the door and your eyes widened in shock. You drew in a breath without even thinking as you gasped and choked on the half chewed food. As you coughed trying to dislodge it, you brought your hand to your mouth, feeling your stomach churn.

-

* https://www.soompi.com/article/1295447wpp/btsss-jimin-opens-personal-struggles-inspired-self-composed-track-promise