mark laid on the roof with one hand behind his head for a while, simply holding donghyuck close to him. it felt relieving, and he was glad that he didn't have to worry about the eyes of anyone else. a million thoughts were racing in his head. he'd never liked a male before... it was a new feeling. 

   as he laid there, he thought about the future. the distant future, and the near one. how would donghyuck react when he was fully awake? how could mark confess too? would they start dating? if they started dating what would happen if they got caught?

   the canadian stared at donghyuck's peaceful resting face, and dammit he suddenly really wanted to kiss him.

   he groaned, pulling donghyuck a little closer as if he were scared to lose him. just thinking about all of it made his heart race. he wanted to protect donghyuck by keeping their status as friends. mark already knew about the incident with renjun, and to imagine it happening with donghyuck was a thought he couldn't stand. 

   yet at the same time, he wanted donghyuck to be his. he wanted to know him more, and he wanted to be with him whenever he could. he wanted donghyuck to support him during games, and he wanted to go on secret dates with him during the weekend. he was now coming to the rude awakening that he had a real date in mind when he asked donghyuck if they could study together. 

   it was now clear to him how he'd been avoiding admitting how he felt towards the younger to himself. it was true that over the past couple of weeks, he had felt a strong attraction, but he'd been denying that the attraction was anything more than platonic.

   mark never took donghyuck as the type to confess first either. seeing how he was knocked out and in a deep sleep immediately after, it made sense though. now he began to wonder whether donghyuck never would've said anything had he not been so sleepy.

   have feelings always been this complicated? he thought to himself.

   he stroked donghyuck's hair a few times, the feeling of wanting to protect him coming over him once more. then he intertwined their fingers just as donghyuck had done. the same feeling of electricity sparked through mark, but he let go a moment later. there was something he wanted to check.

   as they were studying in the library, he didn't fail to notice donghyuck adjusting his sleeve to fall over his wrist every few moments. honestly speaking, it had made him quite curious.

   hoping that he wasn't being too intrusive, he lifted donghyuck's arm and pushed the sleeve up to his elbow, eyebrows furrowing at the sight. there was a purple ring around his wrist, showing off obvious bruising. frowning, mark lifted his hand closer to examine it, and to his surprise, it looked like grip marks from someone else. 

   making sure donghyuck was still asleep for good measure, mark gently brought donghyuck's wrist to his lips and pressed a soft kiss against it. it bothered him knowing that someone had been violent with him, and by the looks of it, no one knew about it. he wished donghyuck had told him at least. 

   he tried to think of a person who might argue or quarrel with donghyuck, but failed to come up with any. it didn't make sense for donghyuck to have enemies either. he was technically still relatively new, and he didn't go out of his way to pick fights with people. in fact, mark was sure donghyuck didn't talk to that many people to begin with. it just didn't make sense for him to have aggressive bruising around his wrist. a sudden thought came to him.

   ...unless he was hurting himself?

   but still, donghyuck didn't seem like that kind of person. 

   deciding to let it go until mark could directly talk to donghyuck about it himself, mark brought his nose to the smaller male's hair and lay with him before eventually bringing them both back to the dorm.

---

   donghyuck woke up slowly on saturday morning. the first thing he noticed was how empty the room was. as he sat up carefully, he also realized that he was still in school uniform, and he was only sleeping on his bed with a blanket, rather than in his bed and under the warm covers.

   he shivered against the end of november air, one of the windows in the room was cracked open. taking notice in the way that he was the only one in the dorm room, he figured it must be pretty late in the day already. he got out of bed and walked towards the dorm hallway where a single clock was located. after checking the time, he acknowledged the fact that there was only an hour before lunch, so he went back inside and made himself look presentable.

   funny enough, he could hardly remember anything from the day before. other than the fact that he had a horrible headache the entire day as well as the fact that he had a study meeting planned with mark, he couldn't remember anything. 

   he brushed his teeth, staring questioningly at his reflection in the mirror. it frustrated him that he couldn't remember anything, but also slightly scared him. what if he'd done something embarrassing?

   he spit out the toothpaste and rinsed his mouth before attempting to brush his hair, managing to tame if after a few attempts. then he exited the dorm and headed towards the dining hall where early-comers had already settled themselves. his mind seemed to be in a thick fog as he stepped in line and began picking up food. 

   first he would eat, he decided. then he would be more awake and begin studying, possibly even remembering more of his whereabouts from the previous night. not being too hungry, he only grabbed soup and bread, sitting down where no one would bother him so he could eat quickly. 

   his meal went by sooner than he realised due to the way he blanked out and left it to his arms to feed himself. when his bowl was dry, he noticed that if you asked him what flavor the soup had been, he wouldn't even be able to tell you. 

   donghyuck cleaned up his dishes, just in time as the crowd of students began piling into the dining hall. he brushed past a group of boys from the basketball team, lowering his head to prevent himself from gaining unwanted attention if the situation were to arise. unfortunately, it didn't work out exactly how he expected.

   "hey, hyuck," mark reached out from the group of boys and touched the younger's shoulder. a few of the other guys from the team stared at them and muttered a few things that donghyuck would have preferred not to hear, but mark seemed completely oblivious.

   speaking of mark, donghyuck didn't think he'd seen the older looking so happy before. he was smiling and looking youthful, a sudden but very nice change from the canadian.

   "did you sleep okay?" mark asked, making donghyuck slightly confused. "yeah i did, i just...," donghyuck trailed off. he eyed the group of teammates who were still shooting glances at them which gratefully, mark took notice of. "should we go over here?" mark asked, leading them towards the entrance of the dining hall where it was more deserted when donghyuck seemed to like that idea. 

   "you were saying?" he looked at donghyuck sincerely. "uhm, it's just that yesterday i remember going to the library with you," he suddenly grew very conscious of mark's hand that was slowly going down from his shoulder, and was now caressing his arm as it continued to go down, "and i honestly don't remember much else," he finished.

   there was a moment of silence before mark looked towards the floor and let out a small, "oh?" at that moment his hand slid off donghyuck's arm, their fingertips meeting for a second. somehow that was all it took for donghyuck to remember walking to the rooftop for a study break, confessing his new feelings to mark, and falling asleep before anything else could happen. 

   "actually i just remembered," mark said, taking a step back, "i think i needed to do something with the guys from the team," he pulled out a random excuse. "i'll talk to you later, okay?" the blonde turned around before donghyuck could reply. "shit," the younger muttered, he needed to decide whether he would pretend not to know or just rip it off like a band-aid and admit it.

   with an unsettling feeling in his stomach from watching mark walk away, donghyuck had decided. "fuck my life," he groaned quietly, running up to catch up with mark. "wait, wait," he grabbed his arm, "come here," he dragged him back to where they had been standing earlier before he could protest. "i uhm," he coughed awkwardly.

   mark waited expectantly. donghyuck couldn't tell if he was hoping for donghyuck to claim that he was only kidding, or if it wasn't actually a look of relief on his face. "when you touched my hand a second ago, i remembered last night, or at least i think i remembered last night... did i?" he spilled out.

   a small smile made its way on mark's face, "what do you remember?" donghyuck flushed, he didn't know how this conversation would go, but he definitely wasn't expecting this. "i think i told you that," his voice grew smaller and mark lifted his chin so they would make eye contact. "i think i told you that i like you," he finished in a whisper. 

   "and then you fell asleep on me," mark chuckled which only made donghyuck more embarrassed. a moment of silence passed where neither of them knew what to say. "i'm sorry if i made you uncomfortable, i wasn't thinking straight," donghyuck finally forced out. "you didn't make me uncomfortable," mark replied immediately. "but," he hesitated, "did you really mean what you said?" if donghyuck were to reply in the negative way, he wasn't sure he'd be able to handle it. 

   the ravenette looked at the ground unsure of how to answer. "i don't know," he mumbled knowing how one answer could change everything. he took a deep breath and closed his eyes before saying in an even quieter voice, "i think i meant it though."

   he was met with silence which made him uneasy and unnecessarily stiff. since donghyuck wouldn't meet mark's eye, it gave the older time to hide his grin that was threatening to show and calm himself. he cleared his throat in an attempt of gaining composure. "so you're.. gay?" mark questioned. he was surprised at how calm he managed to sound, but thankfully his tone of voice appeared to be helping with donghyuck's building anxiety. "i don't," donghyuck sounded confused and almost scared, "i don't know what i am." mark nodded, knowing that it could be hard to process everything. "can we talk later, maybe after dinner?" the younger suddenly said. his voice quivered slightly, but if mark noticed it he didn't say anything of it.

   "yeah," mark agreed, "i'm gonna go back to the team but i'll find you after dinner, see you later," he waved. donghyuck halfheartedly waved back until mark returned to the table with his teammates. then he left the dining hall and headed outside, seeking solitude. he took a seat under the big tree which was surprisingly deserted for the day and pulled his knees to his chest, burying his head in his arms. 

   it was a matter of seconds before tears began spilling out as he muffled his cries. all of these feelings were new to him and he didn't know what to do about it. he hated that he was attracted romantically to his friend. he hated that to gain privacy he had to be outside for fucks sake. he hated that his family treated him so poorly that he preferred to live with a bunch of strangers all year round. he hated that he couldn't get mark out of his head. he hated that he was crying about it.

   he stood up and turned around, facing the tree. hot tears streamed down his face but now he was too mad to care. he punched the tree, scraps of bark falling off the trunk as he did so. "what the fuck is wrong with me!" he yelled, voice cracking. donghyuck was mildly aware that he was causing more damage to himself than the tree, but he was too far gone to pay attention to his bleeding knuckles. 

   eventually he sunk back to the ground feeling defeated and tired. he pulled his knees to his chest again and continued crying. now he was both mentally and physically in pain. with his life hard enough as it was, why did he have to be gay?

-----

word count: 2161

i mean to update more, sorry guysss

✎ ---- dreaminghyuck⤾