H E A T H

Text books, notes, post its, highlighted paragraphs. The contents that covered the surface of the old wooden desk in my bedroom. It sat in front of the window which overlooked the fence that surrounded our house and because it wasn't high enough, it allowed me a clear view of the neighbours living room.

It didn't make a lot of sense to me. The woman next door refused to put nets up. Not that I'd asked. It just seemed odd that she wasn't fazed at all, at the fact that I could see her three small children sitting in front of the television all day while she walked on her treadmill for a solid six hours. She was an odd woman and not to discredit her need to exercise, but it just seemed as if it was becoming a bit of an obsession.

It could be argued that I spent too much time in front of this window though. I shouldn't be so familiar with this  woman and her offspring. For example, I had come to learn that the smallest girl with pale curls hid her fruit snacks under the couch cushion.

The middle one with the same pale curls that reached her shoulders rather than her ears, was obsessed with hitting the little one and blaming the oldest one. Who was a boy with a mohawk and a total indifference to his siblings and their antics because he was either eating his weight in cheddar cheese or he was drawing in a small journal.

This woman really needed some nets.

Whatever though. She couldn't see me. Due to the nets that hung in front of my window. I had considered moving the desk and putting the double bed under the window. But staring at the faded  wallpaper seemed so much more depressing than watching the Mother of three shed more body fat than Zac Efron.

It's Wednesday and classes start on Monday, so I've been cramming in as much information as I can. I prefer to be at least a half a step ahead so that I don't feel so overwhelmed when our professors give us a load of assignments within the first ten minutes of being in class. It didn't seem to matter how much reading ahead I did though. It caught up with me and I was sufficiently overwhelmed before I could get ahead again.

My grades were great though and I was ahead of the class. Which wasn't just due to the fact that I was attending the college on a scholarship. I also studied more than I breathed. There was the slightest benefit to having a nurse for a mother though. I had spent a lot of time in the hospital as I grew up.

Being a doctor had been a dream of mine from the time that I was small. Hanging around and listening to the jargon, asking questions and showing a general interest in medicine meant that I had been learning from the time that I was a kid and it had made a difference to how well I absorbed the information.

There was a light tap on the door and I turned around in the desk chair as Mom peered inside. She was wearing her scrubs and I knew what she would tell me before she'd even said it. "I have to go in earlier than usual," she winced with an apologetic expression. "Can you please take Sarah to her appointment?"

I nodded and stretched so that I could relieve the muscles in my body after I had been sitting for such a long time. "Yeah that's no problem Mom," I agreed. "I'm not going to have as much time once I start College again though."

"I know," she scoffed with dismissal and began backing out of the room. "I would have taken her but work called. I'll leave some cash on the countertop to get dinner."

She closed the door before I could thank her. This wasn't unusual for Mom. She found it difficult to cope with Sarah's appointments. She didn't come to the chemo sessions either. It was subtle and she had a good excuse whenever it came up. But Sarah didn't seem concerned.

She told me a while ago that she knew Mom was sensitive and would cry too much if she came. So it was better for all of us if I took her. Of course, it was hard for me to see her going through chemo and hearing that her health is declining at appointments as well. I just managed to keep it together in front of Sarah. She needed someone to be strong for her.

Her appointment wasn't until half past four, so I carried on revising notes for a few more hours. I could hear the television from the living room. Something dramatic was on and I knew Sarah wouldn't want me interrupting her. So I sent her a text message once in a while to ask if she wanted something to eat or a glass of water. The responses that I received were too sarcastic to respond to.

Sure Heath. Bring me a heat pack. I also need to poop. Can you wipe my butt afterwards?

I guess that I had it coming. After all, she hated it when we fussed. So I left her alone after that and when it was almost time to leave, I had a quick shower and changed into a pair of faded jeans and a thin long sleeve shirt. Sarah was waiting in the living room when I emerged with my vans on - alright, look alike vans. We're broke - and a stack of papers that she needed for her doctor. She glanced up from her cell phone and smiled.

"You look nice," she stood up and pulled her dressing gown belt tighter. It drowned her frail frame. She hasn't always been so thin. But most of her clothes are too big now and as much as she loves wearing 'cute' clothes and taking pride in her appearance, she's resorted to living in dressing gowns and PJs. Or sweatpants and hoodies.

She takes it all stride though. She never complains.

"Thanks," I smiled and picked the keys out of the bowl beside the door. "Good to go?"

"Sure," she followed me outside and waved a couple of ten dollar bills while I locked the door. "I have the dinner money. Just in case you were hoping that you wouldn't have to feed me."

I winced. "Sorry, forgot. What should we get?"

"Not pizza," she shook her head as we followed the path to the drive. The exercise Mom from next door waved from her mailbox as I unlocked the car and I gave her an awkward smile. There was something strange about looking a stranger in the face when you knew entirely too much about them. "I am so over Pizza. Don't tell Mom. As weird as this might sound, I kind of feel like something. . . healthy."

"You want a salad?" I questioned as I put the car into gear and began reversing. Sarah scoffed.

"Don't be ridiculous. I was thinking of pasta. Or subway."

I rolled my eyes and pushed the stick shift into drive, heading down the road while I pulled my seatbelt on. "I don't think that those qual-"

"You know what Doctor Heath Gilmore," she interrupted me, holding a palm up in dismissal. "No graduation. No opinion. Come back to me in a white coat."

"I feel like your doctor will say the same thing."

"Well what's the point," she said in a light tone but I felt an onslaught of despair crush me before she even finished her sentence. "I'll be dead soon. I wanna eat, what I wanna eat, while I can still eat it."

She did it all the time. She made it a joke. The fact that she would die and leave the rest of us behind. It hurt no matter how often she did it or how flippant she tried to make it seem. It was clear that it was her form of coping with the truth, she didn't want to live the rest of her time in sadness and I understood that. But when she was gone, she was gone. The rest of us would be left behind to miss and mourn her. It wasn't something that I could laugh about. The reality was just too painful.

She steered the subject in a different direction after that. She talked about Gossip Girl while I pretended to understand the complexity of these characters. There was something about Serena sleeping with a professor and that bitch Vanessa who teamed up with a couple of other bitches to take her down and then there's Blair and Chuck drama. But when isn't there? I tuned it out after a while. But I was sensitive about it. Sarah needed someone to gossip to about all of this stuff.

When we arrived at the hospital, I parked near the entrance in a spot that Mom had reserved. She didn't use it. She parked further away and walked when she knew that we would be coming in for appointments. I offered to get Sarah a wheelchair - she had been a lot weaker since her chemo on Saturday - but when I suggested it, she glared and told me that if I dared went and got one, she would embarrass the hell out of me and I did not want to find out how she would do that.

She managed the hospital steps for the most part. She seemed a little tired and out of breath but she smiled and greeted the staff as we crossed the lobby. Patients waiting or people visiting the gift shop gave her a few curious glances as she headed towards the lobby in her dressing gown and slippers. I didn't understand what was so fascinating about her attire. We were in a hospital. There was a woman outside in her gown having a cigarette when we came in.

Because Sarah was still fifteen, she was seen in the children's ward for her weekly blood tests and observations. The elevator doors opened on to the pediatric floor and it was, as usual, a burst of colour and enthusiasm. The staff worked hard to ensure that it was as exciting as possible for the children that had to spend time in here. Dr Suess characters were painted on the walls. Cardboard cutouts of Disney characters stood in the corners. Colourful lanterns and paper geometric shapes hung from the ceiling with invisible wire that made it seem as if the objects were floating. It was a cool place considering the children here were battling things that children should not have to go through.

We wandered down to the reception desk. The small waiting area was situated opposite the nurses station and as we passed the recreation lounge, I came to a standstill when I saw Leonie. She was sitting in a bean bag with two children on her lap while she read a book. Her long black hair was pulled into a bun and I could see the mesmerizing blue in her gaze from where I stood. She smiled, chatting with animated expression while she read to the patients. The recreation lounge was where children and parents could spend time with toys, books, drawing and colouring. Of course, a lot of the children spent more time in this hospital than at their homes. So their parents weren't always here. So there were staff and volunteers on hand to give the parents a break and spend time with the kids.

"Who's that?"

I startled at the sound of Sarah's voice and peered down to find her watching Leonie with a curious smile.

Leonie hadn't noticed that we were watching her. Thank God. We looked ridiculous. I shook my head and carried on down the corridor. "No one. Just someone that Jade knows."

"She's hot," Sarah said, sitting down in the plastic seat beside me. "What's her name?"

"I don't know."

"Liar."

I sighed but before I could answer, the Doctor appeared at the waiting area threshold and gave Sarah a warm smile. She was in her late forties with thick blonde hair that was pulled back in a braid whenever we saw her. Mom said that she reminded her of Cate Blanchett. And I have no idea who that is. But she did suit the name Cate. That wasn't her name though. Her name was Karen.

I stood up to follow Sarah but she turned around and gave me a disapproving stare. "Sit down. I'm going alone," I recoiled but sat, feeling as though I had just been scolded by the teacher. "I'll be a while. You could hang around here and do nothing or go down the corridor and make use of the time. Your choice."

She gave me a smug smile and I watched her with furrowed brows until she disappeared. She wasn't subtle. But I doubt that she was attempting to be subtle. I sat there for about three minutes, contemplating whether or not I should go and talk to Leonie.

The last time that I had seen her, she was barefoot, shouting inspirational quotes and defending fries as if her life depended on it. And the more that I remembered the exchange, the more that the decision was made for me. I stood up and wandered down the corridor, back towards the recreation lounge.

She was still in there, but now she was kneeling beside a small table, colouring with about three other children. Sarah was right. She was beautiful. It was unusual for me to feel nervous over talking to a girl, but I noticed that I inhaled a deep breath as I pulled the glass door open and walked inside. There were three other nurses or volunteers hanging around with the children. One in particular, a woman in her sixties who was short and wide with a white scarf over her short grey curls, scowled at me as if I was planning to pick up a child and do a runner.

I ignored her harsh stare and wandered towards Leonie, who peered up when I was a few feet from the table. She smiled, immediate recognition in her expression as she stood up. "Heath," she said and I felt sort of elated that she remembered me. She reminded me of one of those girls who made an impact on most people that she met, but was too flippant and whimsical to remember her encounters. I was wrong it would seem.

"How's it going?" I slipped my hands into my pockets and smiled. "I didn't realise that you work here?"

"I'm a volunteer," she corrected, pointing at the badge on her blue scrub top. It read Leonie, volunteer. "It's a new gig. I'm going to be doing early childhood education at College after school. So this is for the applications and experience. I love it. It's so fun. These kids are adorable."

I smiled at the little ones that were watching Leonie and I. She was right. They were adorable. It did sort of surprise me that she was going into a career with children though. Another assumption on my part. She struck me as sort of a wild and free soul. Which didn't mean she couldn't love children. It just wouldn't have been my first guess.

"What college are you going to?" I asked.

She tilted her head from side to side as she thought about it. "It's meant to be Miami University. But honestly, I don't know. I'm not failing school. Yet. I have to focus this year or my Mom will kill me," she sighed with exasperation. "So that was no an answer at all. But there we have it. How about you?"

"I go to Miami Dade College-" her confused stare made me come up short. Of course. She still thought that I was in high school. That was the most ridiculous lie that I have ever gone along with. But did I fix it and tell her the truth? No. No I did not. "I mean, I will be going to Miami Dade College. That's what I meant."

"Oh cool," she smiled, none the wiser. "So what are you doing hanging around here? Are you a creep?"

I almost choked on nothing. She said it with such a casual tone. As if she was asking how the weather was outside. "No," I said, contemplating that letting her believe I was in high school, was sort of creepy. "No. I'm here with my little sister, Sarah."

Her face fell into concern. "Is she alright?"

"Uh," I winced, unsure how I should answer her. Sarah wasn't ashamed of her illness. She didn't treat it as if it was some secret that she needed to keep to herself. So I assumed that she wouldn't be upset if I told Leonie about it. "She has Leukemia."

She exhaled with despair and rested her hands on her hips. "That is awful," she shook her head. "How old is she? Will she be alright?"

"She's almost sixteen," I explained and smiled at a little girl who was drawing cards for the other children and handing them out. "And uh. . . no, she won't be alright."

"It's so unfair," she pursed her lips and inhaled a deep breath. "It's just too young to go through something like that."

I nodded in agreement and noticed how distant her gaze was as she stared at the floor. It seemed as though her thoughts had traveled. She was was clearly saddened at the news but her reaction seemed stronger than someone who just felt empathetic. I wondered if she had been through the loss of a loved one or something similar.

She finally glanced up and gave me one of her show stopping grins. "I realised something a while ago," she said. "Some people are just too pure and good for this toxic world. So God takes them to Heaven where there's no pain or suffering. Not to sound like a walking Tumblr post, but, you don't go into a garden and choose the least beautiful flowers, right?"

I smiled. "You make a good point."

"It's how I cope with the fact that my Dad died when I was a baby," she nodded with a soft smile and I had my answer. "Is Sarah a good person?"

"The best."

That brightened her expression and I was rewarded with the most full, teeth baring, genuine smile that I had seen to date. Her dimples appeared and her bright blue gaze sparkled. "Good."

We stood there for a moment. It wasn't long but it was enough for me to admire that she was more beautiful than I had realised in the beginning. Those unique features and startling eyes. I hadn't been interested in dating for a long time. I had too much going on from Sarah to College and finding a moment to sleep in between. It was just too complicated to fit a love life in as well. But whenever I heard this girl speak or saw her smile, the more I realised that she was quicksand. I had a feeling that most people ended up wrapped around her finger.

"I should let you carry on," I finally said, gesturing at the older nurse that had been watching me when I first came into the room. "I don't want to piss off Madame Pomfrey over there."

Leonie peered over her shoulder where the woman was administering some pain relief to a child with a gauze over his eye. She glanced at us when Leonie curled over with a loud giggle. One that made me question how something so loud came from such a small girl. It was melodic though and I could have listened to it for so much longer.

"I like that," she nodded, her laughter subsiding into light chuckles. "She's not so bad. She's just got a strong work ethic. So I probably should continue. I still have another hour."

"Yeah," I began back towards the door and gave her a small wave. "It was good to see you again."

"You too," she grinned.