H E A T H

Processing a loss usually goes a little - perhaps not a lot - but a little better when you know what you've lost. The fact that Leonie lost baby Hank, that was something I knew. That was something that I'd had a few weeks to come to terms with. Three to be exact. It hurt. A lot. But each morning that I woke up, it became a bit more bearable.

But losing Leonie. That was a harder pill to swallow. It might have had something to do with the fact that there was no closure. Not a word. She hadn't said it was over. She'd just told Jess that I deserved better. Were we finished? Was it space? I had no idea. Which meant that I was stuck in this limbo and I had no idea how to get the hell back up again.

Sarah and Alex stood in the kitchen on Saturday night, cooking dinner together. I was at the table with homework and assignments spread out in front of me. It was beginning to get too hard to focus in my bedroom. I could still smell Leonie on my throw, in my hoodies. I could see her perched on my desk while I studied. I could see her snoozing on the bed while I got up in the morning to cook her breakfast.

Once in a while I'd hear Sarah or Alex laugh but then it was hushed. As if they didn't want me to hear their happiness. As if I'd hold it against them. The menu for the evening was chicken pastry rolls and sauces. Something simple. Yum. I guess. Sarah did a lot more cooking now that Alex lived with us. She also loved referring to him as hubby whenever she got the chance. I'd never want her to be anything but happy.

She walked out of the kitchen and leaned on the doorframe. "Hungry?"

"No. But I'll eat."

She nodded. "Leonie's at Jade's. We just saw her in a Snapchat."

I looked up from the work in front of me and felt realisation hit me. I'd always shown strength when it came to my baby sister. Always. But I'd been a mess for the last three weeks and that was no example to her. None at all. I stood up and started packing up my books.

"Save me some dinner?"

She gave me a knowing smile. "Yeah. You might want to trim that beard before you go out."

I touched a hand to the stubble that was now the longest that it had ever been. Almost a Steve Rogers in Infinity War. I winced and went to the bathroom after I'd cleaned up the dining table. I never had a smooth face. But I cut it back so that it was short again. A shadow. And then I showered and left.

I had a thick throat thinking about seeing Leonie again. My stomach was in knots. I had no idea how she'd receive me. Would it only take a moment for her to realise that she didn't need to shut me out. That I love her and wanted to be there for her. Or would she become hostile and tell me to leave her alone. With Leonie, it could go in either direction. And that scared me.

Her impulsive behavior was something that I embraced. Appreciated even. But right now, I just wanted to find her, hold her, kiss her and tell her that she meant the world to me and I needed her. So much.

Jade's house was crammed full of people. I could barely squeeze through the door. The music was loud and the air stunk. Most of the time when I came here, I wasn't bothered by the atmosphere or the people or the noise. Tonight it was draining what little patience I did have, fast. I saw Bray first. He was over beside the ranch slider with a couple of friends that I recognized but didn't know. He had a drink in his hand and a smile on his face. I wondered if he knew how lucky he was not to have this enormous weight on his shoulders. He'd sent me a few messages over the last three weeks. His condolences and texts to ask if I want to catch up. I'd declined for the simple fact that I'd thrown myself into studies. As distracted as I'd been, it was all I had right now.

He looked over and seemed surprised to see me walking towards him. And then his gaze darted out into the back yard and I wondered if that was where Leonie was. "What's up dude," he slapped my hand and then secured it in his pocket as he leaned against the door frame. "Wasn't expecting to see you here."

"Yeah," I nodded and felt my stomach drop when I heard her intoxicated shouting. At least she sounded happy, I guess. "I don't really know how else to get her to talk to me."

He pursed his mouth and seemed saddened. "She came back to school on Monday. After two weeks off. She was barely there though. I think she turned up twice and left early."

It was so hard hearing that she wasn't coping.

Bray peered outside again and sighed. "She's wasted man. Wrecked. I've been following her around all night to keep an eye out without making it obvious that I'm following her. She's sort of fed up with the pity at this point. If she thinks that I'm babysitting, she's going to beat me the fuck up."

"Is Jess out there with her?"

"Jess wasn't allowed out tonight," Bray said, bringing his attention back to me. "She told her parents that we're together and they put her on lock down."

"Man, I'm sorry to hear."

He shrugged a shoulder and chuckled. "It's no big deal. We still see each other at school and the van is big enough. You know what I mean?"

I laughed. It might have been small and quiet. But I laughed and I felt like it had been a while.

"I'm just bummed that she can't be here with Leonie," he continued. "She's texting me every five minutes to make sure that I'm still watching her. She wants updates."

"Leonie's lucky to have you guys."

He gave me a sad smile and nodded. "How are you doing?"

"Been better."

A group of girls walked inside and Bray and I stepped back so that they could get through. And that's when I heard her voice getting louder. Sharper but still slurred. She stepped inside and I felt the air leave my lungs. Like Jess said, she was thin. So thin. She was still beautiful. But I was so worried about her. Her hair was pulled back into a bun and her t-shirt and jeans hung off her body. As if she knew I was there, she snapped her head up and looked at me. Her eyes were struggling to focus. The black of her pupils almost filled her entire iris'. She was jittery. She wasn't just drunk. She was high.

She stared at me for a long moment, her chapped lips were parted and then she swallowed and stormed towards the living area. I looked at Bray who had been joined by Ethan. He looked as if he was going to say hello but I didn't give him the chance.

"What's she taken tonight?"

Bray and Ethan gave each other a confused look. "Nothing," Bray shook his head. "She's just been on the piss since like four this afternoon."

"She's on drugs," I argued.

Bray looked across the room and frowned at where she was now dancing with Martha. His glare narrowed with suspicion. "Are you sure?"

"She's taken something," I pushed. "I know she has."

Ethan swallowed. "I didn't see her take anything. But I know that Martha does coke here and there."

Bray nodded, his jaw tense. "She does."

"I need to talk to Leonie," I said. I had a feeling that Bray and Ethan would have a chat with Martha. If she chose to do drugs like that, that was her business. I just didn't love that Leonie was using it to self medicate. Because I had a strong suspicion, that was what was going on.

She didn't even notice me stepping between her and Martha. She kept her eyes closed. Her chin tipped upward. Her limbs were loose, lethargic and lacking control. She was in a trance that made her look peaceful. But more than that, I could see her pain. I took her hand and her eyes snapped open.

"Can we talk for a minute?"

She looked as if she was going to argue. But I'd come this far. I didn't feel like letting her get out of this conversation. When it came to this girl, I respected her choices. What she wanted. Who she was. But I felt like I deserved a conversation at the least. So I kept hold of her hand and led her down the corridor. Jade's bedroom was the first so I pulled her inside, felt relieved that it was vacant and shut the door behind us.

Leonie ripped her wrist out of my hold and stumbled. Her expressions changed in rapid succession. Anger. Sadness. Confusion. I walked forward and held her shoulders. "What is going on with you baby?"

"I'm not—" she swallowed, smacked her lips and whispered—"your baby."

Yeah. That hurt.

I straightened up again and told myself not to grovel. "I just don't understand what happened, Leonie? I mean, what happened? Where did you go?"

She recoiled, brows furrowed as she stared at the floor. Underneath her lashes I could see her erratic gaze shifting from side to side.

"I'm not the right girl for you, Heath. You don't understan— it's— I cant be happy. I'm never— happiness doesn't last for me! Ever. It's always taken— I lose all the time and— you need better because I'm fucked up and I fuck everything up—"

"Leonie," I cupped her face between my hands and pulled her in close. She was so frail. All I wanted was to keep her safe and make her feel loved. "Calm down. I know that you're hurting over what happened. I know that I can't understand it but I want to be there for you. To go through all of it with you. I mean, we just stopped being us and I don't get it."

"Exac—" she stopped. Her gaze shifted to my bicep and she tugged my hand from her face so that she could get a clearer look. "What is that?"

I peered at the words beneath my infinity band. 'Hank Gilmore.' It still had that new tattoo shine seen as it was done less than two days ago. "It's a tattoo," I said.

"Why did you get that?"

"Because I wanted to honor that son that we had and lost. Together."

She ground her teeth and stepped backwards. "That I lost. I lost. You didn't have to have a baby scraped and sucked out of your uterus. You didn't have to go through a week of pain and recovery. You didn't have to feel like a failure!"

"I'm sorry," I told her, moving forward. She just took another step back. "I'm sorry, Leonie. I wish that you didn't have to go through that. I wish that you'd let me in and let me help. Let me be there for you."

She tugged at her hair and shifted from foot to foot. Restless. Agitated. "I lost him. I lost him. I lost him. I lost him. I failed. I lost him. You'll never know what that feels like."

"Leonie, I lost him and I lost you!" I snapped, interrupting her. "I didn't choose to leave you. You chose that. All I want to know is why? What happened?"

Her lips parted and her gaze became distant. She was looking straight through me. As if she wasn't here at all. Without bringing her focus back, she wiped at a tear that slipped down her cheek and nodded. "You didn't deserve it. You didn't. I didn't. You're better. Better than I could ever be."

She slipped past me, opened the door and left. I couldn't find the strength to reach out and stop her. It felt like no matter what I said, she wouldn't believe that she was worth loving. I had no intention of letting her settle with that notion. Not when she was in the state she was in. But I decided to take a minute to gather myself. Because it still hurt to have her resist my attempts to be there for her. Hurt was an understatement. My heart was fucking shattered. And not for me. For her. Seeing how defeated she'd become, it made me feel sick.

After a few minutes, I walked back out into the living area and searched the room. She might have been refusing to let me be near her, but she was wasted. So the least I could do was hang around and make sure that she was safe. Bray appeared beside me as I was about to step outside to extend my search for Leonie.

"Where's Leonie?"

I noted the concern on his face. "I don't know? She walked out on me. I was just looking for her."

He ran a hand through his hair and cursed under his breath. "I can't find her, man. Quinn said she thought she saw her leaving a few minutes ago but I thought she must have been mistaken."

Panic pulsed through me as I looked over at the front door. Not that I'd find the answer by simply looking at its broken glass panels. "Did she drive here?"

Bray winced and nodded. We both pushed through the crowd and ran out onto the front lawn. I hadn't seen her car when I arrived but Bray must have known where she'd parked because he jogged straight down to the footpath and around the corner. There was a vacant space between two other cars. Bray hunched over with his hands on his knees. "Fuck. FUCK! Leonie you fucking idiot."

"Stay here in case she comes back," I called. I was already getting my keys out of my pocket as I ran up the footpath. "I'll go and see if I can find her. Call me if she turns up."

"Likewise," Bray shouted back. I could hear the strain in his voice. I felt it. My own tension was coursing through my veins. The entire time that I was driving towards South Beach, I was terrified that I would see her Range Rover on its side in a ditch or upside down on the highway. I slowed down beside establishments that I knew she frequented. Diners. Smoothie bars. My knuckles were white around the steering wheel and I could feel an ache in my shoulders from being so pent up. I spent the half hour drive calling her phone too. Over and over again.

When I got to her apartment building, I drove into the underground parking lot and let out a breath of relief when I saw her car in its space. Relief but a wash of frustration too. What the hell was she thinking? Well it had been obvious earlier that she wasn't in her right mind. I parked beside her car, deciding I would go up and check on her. When I stepped out of the car and peered into her passenger window, I saw her cellphone on the seat. A strange feeling swelled in the pit of my stomach. It could have been an accident. She might not have left it there on purpose. But my mind went into overdrive and I took off in a full sprint towards the elevator.

When the doors opened on her floor, I ran to her apartment and pounded on the door. I waited, heart thudding in my ears at the same pace that my fist connected with the wood. But there was no answer. So I twisted the handle and it opened. "Leonie?!" I called out, moving through the living area when I could see that she wasn't in there. The kitchen was vacant. Clean. The air was still. Too quiet.

When I walked into her room, I was taken back at how clean it was. There were no clothes on the floor. The bed was made. I don't think that I'd ever seen her bed made. Her desk was organised and her television was off. It was such an eerie feeling and it made my stomach knot.

Something felt wrong until I heard the shower going. I sighed and leaned against the bathroom door. "Leonie? It's just me. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. I know that you don't want to see me but you really worried us when you left Jade's."

I pulled out my phone so that I could send Bray a text and let him know that she was at home. "You know, I would have given you a ride home if you'd told me that you wanted to leave. You can always come to me if you need something. I promise."

My thumbs paused half way through the message. I listened to the sound of the water. The pattern in which it fell. It was a consistent fall. Unwavering. It didn't sound like the disrupted shower fall of someone who was standing under the water. I listened harder. "Leonie? Can you just let me know if you're okay."

I twisted the handle but it was locked.

"Leonie? Give me some sort of answer or I'm breaking this door down," my heart was beating hard again. So hard that it hurt. It nauseated me. I gripped the door handle. "I'll bust in there and make a mess. I'll dirty your counter top and spread make up all over the surfaces and mirror."

The threat of her clean bathroom should have given me some sort of answer. So when I received nothing but silence, I stepped back from the door. "Alright, last warning. I'm kicking this door off its fucking hinges."

I gave her two seconds before I kicked the door underneath the handle and it flew right into the bathroom, shards and splinters of wood scattered across the tiled floor. But I didn't give it an ounce of thought when I saw Leonie through the shower door. She was in a heap on the ground in nothing but her bra and underwear. "No!" I shouted, barely recognizing my own voice.

As if the fear that she'd had too much coke wasn't enough, what I saw as I ran across bits of broken door, almost brought me to my knees. There were two bottles of medication on the counter top. Both of them were empty and a bottle of water was on its side beside them. I ripped open the shower door, switched the water off, which was set to cold and held her under the arms as I dragged her out onto the tiles. All the while, I was begging God that she'd be okay. I pulled a towel off the rail and wrapped her up. Her hair was sopping and created a puddle around her head, so I put another towel under her head.

"Leonie," I murmured with panic as I checked her pulse. It was weak. There. But weak. She wasn't breathing though. So I pulled out my cellphone, dialed 911 and began chest compression's. "Baby, please hold on. Please."

I didn't stop chest compression's as I spoke to the operator. I gave them her condition and they told me to hang on the line with them until the medics arrived. So I did. But it fell to the back of my head as I looked down at Leonie's pale face. Her blue, parted lips. I didn't even realize that I had tears falling down my face until I tasted the salt on my lips. Tears that coated her lips as I leaned down and gave her mouth to mouth. I checked her breathing. Nothing. I fixed my hands on her chest again and continued compression's.

"Come on," I whispered. I felt and heard her rib crack beneath my palm. "Fuck," my sobbed words choked out. "I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry."

Cracking a rib felt fucking awful but I wasn't going to stop. I'd been taught not to stop. I'd also been taught how to avoid fracturing bones during CPR. All I could put it down to, was being so desperate and frantic to save her, that I hadn't been as cautious. Something I could live with if she woke up. A cracked rib was better than the alternative.

"Come on Leonie!" I cried out, a sob hitching the words in my throat. I pinched her nose, tipping her head backwards as my mouth met hers and I literally tried to kiss the life back into her. Something she'd once claimed that I had done.

"God, I love your kisses Heath." Leonie lay wrapped in my arms, staring up at me with a sleepy grin and disheveled hair.

"And I love yours." I replied, leaning down to meet her mouth once more in a soft, supple but deeply meaningful kiss.

"This might sound a little cheesy. And totally not like me. But I think I was just existing before," she mused, her eyes seemed to be distant but a small smile lifted her plump lips. "Like the first time that we kissed, something shifted and it's like you were giving me life again. I dunno. I always feel like your giving me life when we kiss. A reason to love it anyway."

"You are my life, baby," I smiled, feeling an unreal amount of affection at her honesty. She quickly grinned and shook her head as if to snap out of the mushy mind frame.

"I love you Heath."

"EMT's are here!" I heard someone shouting from the corridor, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Location?"

"Second door on the right," I called back, breathless. I must have been exhausted. I sounded it. But adrenaline masked fatigue. "En-suite!"

Footsteps quickened and a blur of medics swarmed the room with portable machines and a stretcher. I was still giving her compression's as one of the medics stood beside me and picked up my cellphone. It was on speaker. I'd forgotten about the operator on the line. But the woman who was now crouching next to me, spoke to her. She asked the operator how long I had been on the line and how long I had been giving CPR for. Which was almost thirty three minutes in total. They told me to move back and surrounded Leonie as soon as I was out of the way. I leaned against the counter cupboard doors and felt an ache go up the length of my arms. White lines danced in front of my vision.

"You did so well," the medic told me as she unzipped her bag and connected wires and pressed buttons on her portable oxygen.

I watched Leonie and didn't dare miss a single thing that was being said, even as the medic placed a mask over my face and told me to inhale deep breaths. I felt as if I was gripping a rope that kept slipping through my fingers. My hearing kept going in and out. My body was damp. Either from sweat or dragging Leonie out of the shower. I wasn't sure. All I knew was that it had been half n hour and Leonie wasn't breathing.

The medics passed words around between them as they strapped pads to her chest and slid tubes down her throat. They would have assumed that I didn't understand them. Assumed that I didn't understand medical jargon. But I did. And I knew that it wasn't good.

"Keep breathing, sir," the woman said to me, her hand resting on my shoulder. "Big deep breaths. You did so well. But you need some oxygen. So deep breaths."

What was the fucking point?