H E A T H

Leonie sat beside me in the examination room. She was wearing a blue gown with no underwear on underneath. Or so she liked to tell me as often as possible. We were waiting for the doctor to come and see us. Mom had gone in search for whoever was available to perform the scan and one of her friend's was willing to come in on her day off.

I knew Jan. She was a nice woman in her late thirties. Her and mom had been working together for a long time. I wished that she'd hurry up though. I was more excited than I realised to see our little blob on the screen. Me and the girl I love. It was sort of surreal to think that both of us would exist in a little human being.

"I think we should do it."

"I really have to disagree," I said. "I don't think we should have a quickie on the exam table."

"This is the easiest access piece of clothing that I've ever worn."

"Tha—"

"Hello." The door opened and Jan walked in wearing her scrubs. Her hair was short and hidden beneath her surgical cap. "Heath. I hear you've given your mother a bit of trouble."

She grinned as she fell into the roller chair at the desk and slid towards the exam table where Leonie was patiently waiting.

"Yeah," I chuckled. "Uh this is Leonie."

"Baby momma," Leonie pointed at her chest and then held her hand out for Jan to shake. "How's it going?"

"Good thanks," Jan said. "I'm Jan. I'll be performing the transvaginal ultrasound this afternoon."

"Transvaginal?" Leonie blinked and she looked at me with concern. "That does not sound standard."

I laughed and sat forward in the plastic seat beside the exam table. "It's an internal procedure. In the case of pregnancies it's used when it's too early to find the foetus with a regular ultrasound. So a wand with a camera is put—"

"Up my vagina?!"

Jan, who had been setting up the monitor and tapping on the keyboard, looked at Leonie and laughed. "It's not as bad as it sounds."

"It sounds fucking horrible. Penis and tampons are the only cleared for entrance items that go up this cooch. Can I come back at a later date?"

I held her hand and stood up so that I could be closer to her. "We can if that's what you want. But this gives us a better idea of how far along you are and on the off chance that there are two, finding out earlier is better."

"Two?" She recoiled and flustered for a minute. "Alright. Get that wand in me."

She laid back and put her feet in the stirrups. Jan couldn't hide her amusement if she tried. She went on to explain the procedure and when she lubricated the wand and lifted Leonie's gown, Leonie held my hand tight and kept her sights on me. Her discomfort was evident. It wasn't the most pleasant experience. So I'd heard. I wouldn't know for sure.

"Alright," Jan said and clicked on her mouse a few times. "How's that feeling, Leonie."

"Swell," Leonie deadpanned. "I'm in heaven. I might orgasm from all of the pleasure."

"Baby," I murmured. She looked up at me and made a show of pursing her lips. Jan didn't seem to mind my girl being less than enthusiastic.

"There," she paused the screen after a moment and pointed at it. There's the baby. There is definitely just one."

"Thank you God," Leonie exhaled. "So that's him huh?"

She stared at the screen and squeezed my hand. There wasn't much to see. A small white blob. But the feeling was breathtaking. Sure, the thought of being a father was intimidating. There was a lot of pressure. But I couldn't remember being happier.

"It's too early to determine the gender," Jan said. But Leonie shook her head.

"I know that. I just think that it's a he. Gut feeling. Ya know? He's cute. Like a grape."

I laughed and leaned down so that I could kiss her head. I was so proud of her strength. Her optimism. She could have been handling this with a lot more fear and hesitance. It wouldn't have been unreasonable. But no. As usual, she had the situation in control. She was always in control. She made me feel stronger for it.

Jan began to take measurements. Leonie watched her taking images of the screen in different positions. "How was your Christmas, Jan?"

Jan peered over her shoulder, brow raised. She smiled and nodded. "It was good, thank you," she turned back to the screen. "So you're dating at seven and a half weeks. It all looks good at the moment but we ask to get you back at about twelve weeks to listen to the heartbeat and that sort of thing. We won't need to use the wand next time."

"Well then I'll be here," Leonie's breath hitched as Jan slid the wand out and began to clean it. "You owe me dinner, Jan. That was intimate."

"Alright. It's a date."

She left the room and Leonie put her clothes back on. We were given a small print out of the grape, as Leonie had decided to call it. She'd spent an hour online last night while we were in bed, looking at food measurements in relation to the baby's growth. So we'd have a grape for the next week, perhaps two until we had a strawberry or something.

"Can we call him Hank?" She said to me in the car, still clutching the photo. I looked over and felt that little miss in my heart that happened whenever I saw the woman that I loved, watching me with her big blue gaze. "That was my dad's name. I'd really like to call him Hank."

"I couldn't think of a better name for him. But what if he is a girl."

"I have an idea or two," she said, staring out of the windshield. "But Gilmore for the last name. Has to be. I like tradition."

"Can I choose the middle name?"

She laughed and it made me hope that our child had her sense of humour. "Yes of course. But for now, the baby business is over." She clapped her hands and slipped the photo into the centre console. "There is a wedding in one week. I have so much to do. So aside from the fact that I can't drink or eat cold meats or get high, we'll forget that I'm pregnant. Because I need to focus and Sarah needs to feel that this is her moment. So for real. No baby talk. None."

"Okay. I can deal with that."

New Year's Day. The first of January. It was a warm morning. We weren't having the wedding outside though. The ceremony was going to take place in one of the banquet rooms in Leonie's apartment building. She'd managed to save on whatever she could and because she lived in the building, she was able to use the room free of charge.

It was a nice room, not too big, not too small. The floors were polished wood. The walls were an off white and the decor was immaculate. Rows of chairs had been arranged for the small number of guests that would be attending. People from the hospital. A couple of friends that Sarah still talked to. Leonie's friends. Some of mine. Bunches of white flowers and silver satin fabric were attached to the end of each row.

An archway made of the same white flowers stood at the alter. Leonie and her mother had pulled it together far better than I'd been expecting. It was elegant and simple. Just what Sarah wanted. I went back upstairs after I'd gone down to find out if everyone was ready to go and found Sarah, Leonie and mom in Leonie's room, which was spotless.

Seeing my baby sister in a long white gown was a definite trip. But she did look beautiful. Her dress was long sleeved. Lace material. The skirt half of the dress had touches of lace embroidery on it as well. She looked so grown up. It was as if I was seeing a flash forward to what she could have been doing at a later age. If she'd had that option.

Jazz and Leonie, who were bridesmaids, wore simple silver, floor length dresses. Mom looked fine, sure. But Leonie made it hard to concentrate. She was so beautiful that it hurt. The silver made the blue in her adoring gaze so vibrant that it looked powerful.

"You all look beautiful," I smiled, leaning on the doorframe. Sarah was standing in front of the mirror. Mom was attempting not to tear up and Leonie was looking me over with an expression that I knew all too well. She must have liked the charcoal suit and silver tie that I'd been instructed to wear.

She walked forward and put her hands on my tie. Not to fix it. She just ran her hands down the length of the satin fabric. Her smile was soft and she blinked up at me. "You look perfect."

"Thank you."

"Is everything set downstairs?"

I nodded and put a hand on her waist. "The guests are seated. The music is going to start when the bridesmaids are in line." I kissed her forehead and gestured at the door. "You better go and get into place."

"Alright. I'll see you soon."

She tiptoed and gave me a quick kiss and then left with mom after mom had finished hugging the life out of Sarah. The room fell quiet apart from a few deep breaths that my little sister took before she turned around to face me.

"You nervous?"

She laughed and shook her head. "Not at all. I'm so excited."

I held out my arm and she walked forward, fabric swishing around her legs as she linked her arm with mine. She was in heels and she had to be cautious of the dress around her feet, so the walk would be slow. But that was okay. Once we hit the third floor, the banquet room was a mere few feet from the elevator.

"So Leonie told me that I wasn't allowed to mention the baby at all today," she chuckled and held a fistful of fabric in her hand to do her best to keep it off the ground. "I couldn't help it though. She thinks that it would steal my thunder but it's not like that."

"I know," I said, putting my free hand into my pocket. "But she wants this to be all about you and Alex. It's important to her."

She nodded and remained quiet for a minute. I made sure that I locked Leonie's front door and closed it behind us. "I probably won't get to meet him."

My stomach dropped and it felt as if my throat was closing over.

"Ya know, I've been accepting of the fact that I'll die. It hasn't bothered me all that much. But now I feel like— it— I just wish that I could meet him."

I had to inhale a breath before I could answer her. Or she'd hear the pain in my voice. Pain didn't even seem like the right word. When Sarah made light of her illness, it hurt. When she expressed that she didn't want to die, it almost killed me. I swallowed and shook my head.

"You don't know that you won't meet him. You're good. You'll be fine. There's still a chance that you'll meet him."

She smiled as the elevator descended. The buttons glowed a soft orange as we moved down from floor to floor. "I appreciate the optimism. I'm going to hang on for as long as I can. Having a little niece or nephew will be too cute. That baby is going to be gorgeous."

I squeezed her arm a bit tighter and the elevator doors opened. We could hear the music drifting in from the banquet room. Mom and Leonie began their march up the aisle as soon as we appeared in the hall and I had to bite down on the inside of my cheek so that I didn't end up in tears.

"You're going to be an amazing dad," she whispered as we neared the doors, her voice had taken on a tremble but her head remained high and she smiled when she saw Alex waiting at the alter. "Who would have thought huh? I'm getting married. You're going to have a child."

"This is your moment," I said, clearing my throat. The music changed and we stepped into the aisle. There was no greater honour than having Sarah ask me if I wanted to walk her down the aisle. To be worthy of that privilege. "Forget about me for now, kid. You're about to be a wife."

"Til death do me part," she teased as we reached the alter. Alex and a few of his close friends stood to the right. Leonie and mom stood to the left. My broken heart was left in a mess back at Leonie's.

I looked down at my baby sister and gave her a hug before I placed her hand in Alex's and sat down in the front row. Watching them, it was obvious that love existed between them. Regardless of how fast it had all happened, he loved her. The celebrant spoke about marriage and what it meant and all the while I pictured Sarah and the life that she'd led until now.

The mornings when she was just a toddler, she'd stumble out of her bedroom in her little PJs. Frazzled bed hair and teddy tucked under her arm. Despite the fact that she was two when she came to us, she was never shy. She took over the household from the get go. She sat on the counter and blabbered while I made her cocoa pops. She used sit on my back while I was doing homework on the floor. She'd watch cartoons and crack a few vertebrae whenever she bounced with excitement.

I remember when she started school and she'd come and find me at lunch time so that we could eat together. I didn't care that I got teased for it. If my baby sister wanted to eat lunch together, that's what we were doing. That was until I left for high school and she'd come home after school and hug me because she missed me so much.

She used to sit at the table and pull out her hair over homework that she didn't understand. She'd beg me to help her with science and math. She'd follow me around the house until I agreed and then she would watch with glee when I took over and did the homework for her because I couldn't stand explaining. Doing it was so much easier.

She hated the fact that her friends would stare at me during movie night. Her and the girls would set up in the living room and if I was around, I was a distraction. So Sarah said. I was banished to my bedroom. That was of course until the 'friends' could no longer handle the illness. The effort that it took to maintain a friendship after Sarah had left school. So I sat with her to watch movies. Whatever movies she wanted. And I might not have loved the movies. But my sister was the best company. The best.

Sarah's time came to do her vows. She didn't look nervous. She held Alex's hands. "I used to dream about getting married when I was a little girl. I'd dress up and think about what I'd wear and where I would be. I'd think about the aesthetics of it. But I never used to think about who I would be exchanging vows with. Back then, as a child, I didn't think it'd matter. But it's the most important part.

"From the moment that we met, you've accepted me for who I am and what I'm going through. When it comes to 'til death do us part' it's more literal than ever. But you have never hesitated or faltered to make me feel like the most important girl in the world. You've wanted nothing more than to give me the world and I will never be able to express just how much it means to me, that we found each other. You didn't have to ask me out on that first date. You never had to call me back or spend hours on the phone with me. You never had to ask me to be your wife.

"But you did. And I'll never be able to tell you how grateful I am. Or how much I love you. However many months I have left, weeks, hours, seconds, I'll spend them smiling because of this moment."

The emotion that moved through the room was thick. Faces were covered in tears. Mom. Meredith. Alex. Leonie wasn't quite in tears but her smile was so big that I was convinced it must have hurt. She hated to cry in public so I had a feeling that she was keeping a lid on her emotions.

Alex began his vows. He was somewhat more quiet than my little sister. He'd had his hair cut so it was shorter on the edges and messed at the top. He no longer had a fringe to move out of his face. But he still flicked his head as if it were a nervous habit.

"I love your smile," he started and caressed her cheek. "I love your humour. Your kindness. Your laugh. I love that being with you is effortless. Like I was meant to find this place in your life. Like it was written for me from the beginning and I am fulfilling something that always was. If I do one thing in life, one thing that makes a difference, one epic thing, I know that it's marrying you. And that's something that I'll forever be glad for. Glad that you said yes.

"Glad that you wanted to share your life with me. However long or short it is, knowing that I'm worth your precious time is a reward that I can't quite believe I'm deserving of. I'll make sure that every day is happier than the last and that each kiss gets better and better and that when you hear my words, you feel their love and it fills you. Always."

I couldn't have felt more grateful that Sarah had found him. The urge to stand up and kiss Leonie where she stood, to thank her for introducing them, almost had me out of my seat. But I let the celebrant wrap up the ceremony. Wife and husband shared a kiss. Applause broke out.

The reception was being held on the beach. Under a big cabana with a hardwood floor, fairy lights and long tables of food and drink. The reception guests were even fewer than the ceremony. Sarah wanted to have a close family event with the friends that gave her the time and effort. Which meant that it was just parents, Leonie's friends and a few hospital staff.

Leonie was standing beside the cabana wall. Twinkling lights draped the entire length. Like a curtain and she was talking to Alex's dad. I'd met him once or twice. But Sarah had told me about Alex's mother, leaving to chase a career and rarely returning. I'd been told that she hadn't even bothered to show up today.

I walked forward and stood beside my girl. She was in the middle of a conversation so I didn't interrupt but her hand reached for mine.

"Well it came together far quicker than I thought it would," Alex's dad smiled and looked around with a glass of beer in his hand. "It's a weird feeling to see my boy get married at this age. But I'm so proud of him. You know?"

Leonie nodded, smiling and both of them looked over to where Alex was holding on to Sarah. They were moving slow, dancing. She rested her head on his chest. Happiness radiated from their smiles.

"It's just a shame that his mother couldn't be here," he said, brows pinched. He shook it off after a moment and extended his hand to me. "How are you, Heath?"

"Good thanks, sir."

We had a quick chat and then he left us in search of something to eat. I let my gaze move over Leonie and felt grateful to have her alone. I'd been waiting all day. She bit down on a smile and looked up at me.

"You wanna dance, handsome?"

I laughed and held out a hand for her to take. Her skin was smooth, warm. We walked into the centre of the floor, exchanging hellos with Jess and Bray who were sitting at a table. Waving at mom who was chatting with Meredith. We didn't interrupt Sarah and Alex though. The two were in their own world.

"I don't know how I'm ever going to thank you," I said, holding her waist and hand as we slow danced. Her hand rested on my shoulder and her heels lifted her so that she came to my chin instead of my chest.

"You don't have to thank me," she said. "I will never not want to do anything to make her happy. And you."

I tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and kissed her forehead. Holding her felt like a blessing. Between us was our baby. Growing. Forming. Something about that fact was breathtaking. She must have caught me staring because she arched a playful brow.

"You staring at my stomach or my boobs?"

I laughed. "I was just thinking about our future. Your boobs look great too though."

She pressed herself against me and put her hands behind my neck. "Heath," her eyes moved, almost frantic, her expression had shifted and become desperate. Still, she smiled. "I love you."

As if I thought that this day couldn't get any better. She hadn't told me that before. Not in words. I felt it. I knew from her actions that she loved me. But hearing it was like music. The words on her lips, the look in her eyes. But the fact that she felt safe enough to tell me, the fact that she trusted me with her heart, it meant everything to me.

"I love you too, Leonie. So much."

____

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