I saw the dull shadows of a shattered being and latched on in hopes that together we'd find healing or be brutally buried.

**

"Heath Andy Ledger.
1996-2014
Beloved son, brother, friend & soul mate.
May you never fade from the memories of the ones who love you."

The grey tombstone that I had sat here staring at for countless hours and days after he passed doesn't crush me entirely anymore. I don't cry, I don't break down, I don't lose my mind...I just let the words haunt me a little more than it already does. I'm friends with this kind of pain. 

"Who—who was he?" Luke asks from behind me, the setting sun darkening his golden hair and casting shadows across his face. I couldn't believe he actually came looking for me. Luke was here, for me.

I sit down in front of Heath's stone among a hundred others. Luke sits down next to me and takes the red pack of chocolate covered jelly beans I bought from a store nearby on our way here from my hands. Opening the pack, he tosses one in his mouth and scrunches his nose at the taste, waiting for me to reply.

The world was moving so slow. Can I trust this man in front of me with something that almost my entire life has revolved around? Will he stick around after this? Will Heath like me telling someone else about us?

Heath is dead, Sierra.

I look back at the stone so I don't have to look at Luke. I won't be able to do this if I keep looking at him.

"Do you see that?" I point towards the word soul mate.

"Yes." Luke nods his head.

"His parents had it put there, for me...and him. He was my soul mate, I was his."

Luke doesn't utter a word. I don't think he's even breathing but I continue. If I stop now I stop forever, this has to be the last time I ever tell anyone.

"Well, I thought we were. Now I'm not so sure. Because you know they say, when your soul mate leaves this world you feel it? That you feel something tug at your heart and then suddenly you're left with a black hole,"

I feel fingers twine through my own. Luke lifts my hand to his and kisses my fingers. Light fluttering kisses that I feel to the core of my being.

"Go on love, I'm listening." He murmurs.

"I didn't feel it. I—" A laugh escapes me and I shake my head to stop myself.

"I was fast asleep in my bed, oblivious and not caring. The last time I saw him alive? We fought about the stupidest thing. It was of so much unimportance I want to drive my head into this ground when I think about it."

I take the pack of chocolate covered jelly beans from Luke and shove a handful of them in my mouth. Now I know why people smoke, anything to distract them from facing this kind of stress. This was so stressful. Living these moments again and actually having to tell someone else.

"I was a little pissy and clingy child that needed too much from a guy that already gave her everything he can."

Luke puts his hand under my chin and turns my face to look at him. "I'm sure that's not true. It's normal to want—" I put my hand up to stop him.

"Just let me finish okay? Try to make me feel better after." Luke nods and runs a hand through his hair.

"We dated for three and a half years. Our worlds revolved around each other. Everyone knew we were meant to be. Even we knew so we always had these great plans for our future and all the things we wanted to do," I take a deep breath to stop the tears and pounding headache I can feel that's about to overtake me.

"Our senior year, things started to get a little tough but we didn't think much of it. I had my study groups and designing and I was dealing with these panic attacks because of what happened in that castle I told you about. He had his football practices to attend. He was on the verge of getting a scholarship to Yale so he was working his butt off for the final game of the season. Two weeks before graduation we had this argument in our school's damn cafeteria, I told him I wanted him to come over and spend time with me or something and he—he just got pissed off or I don't know what it was. He was acting strange and I didn't think much of it because finals were close and so was his game, everyone was stressed out. And anyway I'm his "soul mate" right? I was supposed to know if he wasn't okay." I laugh bitterly at myself and wipe at my eyes. Luke is awfully quiet next to me but I know he's listening.

"That day I went home and I let my ugly pride get in the way and ignored his final request to me. I bathed, I studied and I fell asleep. Nothing was unusual, I didn't feel my heartstrings tugging at me, telling me the love of my life was going to leave me behind anytime now. I didn't feel anything and I woke up early morning and these—" I lift the stack of envelopes on my lap to show Luke and he takes them from me, examining the faded note on the top. I see his Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallows, looking back at me.

"He left those for me. I didn't know he had come into my room. I didn't know—didn't know he was saying goodbye. His sister called me that exact moment and wow... the universe is such a fuck up you know? Because that's when I felt it. I felt the emptiness but it was too late."

"Was it suicide?" Luke asks me silently.

"To this day, no one knows." The tears start their journey out of my eyes and down my cheeks and I don't stop them.

"What?" Luke looks at me with an expression of both sadness and bewilderment.

"He—they—his mother, found him in his bedroom. She went in to wake him up for early morning practice but he wouldn't wake up. He wasn't breathing when the paramedics and ambulance got there. I—I was there too but I don't remember any of it. My father said I started to revive him like a maniac so they had to restrain me and when I saw them put a sheet over his body I had passed out," I can feel my muscles aching with the shaking of my body. Luke wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer to him. I would usually feel the cold frosty air of London by now but I'm too numb.

"I don't remember it, it's like a blurred flash of overwhelming emotion. That's all I can remember. They later said that it was a chemical reaction from two different kinds of pills that he had taken for the pain he was experiencing in his spine and head. The combination poisoned his blood and he died in his sleep."

"I'm so sorry Sierra." Luke chokes out, his voice gruff with pain.

"I was supposed to know why. I was supposed to be there with him that night and this might have never happened. I left all of this behind after graduation so I could start over. But he—he can't, Luke. Heath can't start over. He will never know that he got into Yale without having to win the final game of the season. His acceptance letter came two days after his funeral." I lay my head on Luke's shoulder because I can't keep it up anymore. Your own body is just too much weight when your spirit is cracking.

"I'll never know why he left these letters for me. I don't know if he took those two pills knowingly. I don't know if he was depressed like I am now. I don't know if he wanted to leave me. All I have is these letters but ever since he is gone I don't have enough strength to open them. I have read the labels on each one of these envelopes a thousand times but I haven't opened one."

"Why not? You should read them. Maybe they can answer all these questions and you can finally be free of them," Luke says.

"They have labels on them. Ten of them for happy moments in my life and reasons why he loved me. There is one for the night after graduation, there is one for my first day of university, there's one for the day I get my first job and I've passed most of those stages but I just can't... He was supposed to experience those things with me. He was supposed to be there in the flesh, not in a form of a damn letter." I wail, my body crumbling.

He was supposed to love me. I was supposed to feel everything he did and know when something was wrong.

Hiccups start to leave me and I can't seem to stop crying. I am so weak. "But he left me. He fucking left me without an explanation and I hate him for that. I hate him but I hate myself more. That's why I haven't let myself read these. I don't deserve his last words to me."

"You deserve it. You deserve them so much. You have suffered enough Sierra. It's not your fault, all these years you blamed yourself but did you think maybe this is what he wanted?"

"He wouldn't have left me." I firmly say, looking into Luke's blue eyes.

"I'm not saying he did baby. I'm just saying that sometimes, the pain you feel overshadows everything else. Even love for a soul mate. That's how life works. We can't control death, but we can control the fact that dear ones leave sometimes even before we know it. Some leave us even before we know they exist, I would know." He rapidly blinks his eyes and looks up at the sky. The sun is almost gone now.

"Did someone leave you?" I murmur.

Luke gives me a weak smile and shakes his head. "Let's save that for another day okay?"

"Do you want to open these?" He asks me and I just stare at them. Do I want too?

I think I've had enough for one day. But I take the envelopes from him anyway and pull the string around them. I go through the envelopes and find the one I'm looking for.

"I told you all this because I trust you more than I have ever trusted myself. The other people in my life know all this because they spend time around me and they help me cope. I'm not saying I don't appreciate them or that I wouldn't want them to know but you're the first person I have told this willingly to, Luke. I don't know why you came back here but I'm so glad you did." I lean over and peck his cheek and I could swear I saw his eyes glint.

"When you first lost your chill on me, I knew I would always keep coming back for you. It just took me a whole lot of dumb decisions and hateful words towards you to understand." He says sadly, looking down at his hands in mine.

"Let's not talk about that okay?" I whisper and hand him the letter I was looking for. Surprisingly my hands aren't shaking anymore and I'm breathing.

"What's this?"

"It's the eleventh letter," I smile.

"Not for you S. But you will know who it's for." Luke reads out loud.

"You want to give it to me? Are you sure? I didn't know the guy." He says, raising an eyebrow.

"It is for you Luke. You'll know." I smile at him and stand up on shaky legs. I take a deep breath and feel the cold air fill my lungs. I extend my hand down to Luke so he can get up. He takes my hand but gets up by himself without needing my help.

"Are you okay?" He asks, tucking the letter I gave him into the pocket of his jacket.

"I'll be fine." I nod at him and hold the letters to my chest. I'll read these, maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after maybe next week or in a month but I swear I'll read them.

I'm sorry I haven't read them all this time Heath. I'm so sorry I let you go. I like to think you were happy here with me but I know now that you weren't because I understand what true happiness is now. I hope you're happy now, wherever you are. I think maybe I can finally be happy too. I promise I'll try. This guy next to me? Can you see him? I think he can help me, I hope you don't mind. He's something, like those weirdly beautiful sunsets you used to talk about and love so much. He can help me lose my mind...find myself. I'm so sorry I couldn't help you lose yours and find yourself. I love you.

Bending down I take the elastic hair band that's around my wrist and tie it around the pack of leftover chocolate covered jelly beans and put it down next to a couple of wilted flowers I'm sure either his sister or parents must have brought. Heath hated flowers.

Getting down on my knees I wipe the flowers away with my hand and clear the space.

I'll tell them you don't like that they bring flowers. I'll come visit soon okay? Then you can tell me about all the places you have been and all the naked women and sunsets you've seen.

I stand up and wipe my hands on my pants. Sniffling, I turn to Luke and he raises his arms, I walk into them and wrap my arms around his torso, his warmth spreading into my cold body.

"It's going to be hard competing with a soul mate." Luke chuckles.

"You wanna compete?" I raise an eyebrow at him.

"After all we have gone through? I'm sure it will be a breeze." He smiles and wipes at my cheeks with his thumbs.

"Let's go." He takes my hand and we walk back towards his rental car through all the gravestones. So much love and loss in these grounds but also so many new beginnings with much less pain for some, maybe even me.

A/N:

I'm in agony after writing this haha let me know what you guys think and please please vote it only takes a second.

Thank you so much.

- Rhythmwithlove