We were never anything, but when we were, it was everything.
- m.razon

**

Four Years Ago

"Promise me something?" Heath asks, twirling strands of my hair between his fingers while we lay on my bed, cuddled up under the sheets after studying together for hours.

"Anything," I respond, looking up at him sleepily.

"When you become famous one day, for your designs and your art and you get to work for one of your favourite artists like you have always wanted to. Promise me you won't let any of them break your heart, or let you feel like you're beneath them in any way. Don't ever let them tell you that you can't do anything."

I grin up at him, "You have big dreams for me don't you."

"I know you're capable of making them a reality." He pecks me on the nose, giving me one of his beautiful dimpled smiles.

I couldn't resist kissing him, so I do.

I pull away and a sigh leaves me. "I promise. I promise I won't let anyone break my heart or tell me I'm beneath them,"

He nods his head, satisfied with my answer.

"—only you get to break my heart, Heath Ledger." I joke, running my hand through his messy hair.

"I'll never break your heart, baby." He pokes me in the hip.

"I know. That's why I gave it to you to keep, forever." I whisper. I don't see myself with anyone but this boy. He was my entire world and he will continue to be just that.

"Okay." He smiles, pulling me closer.

"Promise," I whisper, my lips connecting with his soft ones again.

---

Present Day

It's been two days since I've been home and I have done nothing but sleep around in the guest room and fight over the phone with my boss, Lillian.

She demanded me to go back immediately and threatened to fire me, again. Nevertheless, she called back this morning and told me it was okay, that she had spoken to Addy about it and that I should come back to New York when I'm ready. I was perfectly fine with that arrangement so I didn't dare question her sudden kindness.

"Can I take Danny for soccer today?" I ask my mom at breakfast.

"Of course." She nods, pulling a glass out of the cupboard above her head. I shovel some more of the waffles into my mouth and take a drink of my orange juice. It felt like old times when I was a teenager and used to rush breakfast so that I could get to class on time. Now I had nowhere to go and no one expecting me.

"I know you're trying to avoid the conversation that is bound to happen." My mother points out, leaning her back against the kitchen counter to look at me.

There it is. I've been waiting for two days for her to snap at me.

"I'm not avoiding anything, mom." I shrug at her, squeezing more maple syrup onto my waffles.

I feel her glare on the top of my head as she continues. "You are. Have you seen the news, Sierra? You and that—that boy are all over it,"

Putting my fork down I look up at her. "His name is Luke Hemmings. And yes, I know there are pictures of us together. But we were only sightseeing, the media will make up what they want about it."

Mom ignores my comment and keeps going. "You can't just come home and not expect us to question you about what you have been doing for the past four months."

Why couldn't she be like my father and not question shit?

"Why does it worry you so much? Are they saying that I killed someone? Am I a wanted criminal? Did I release a sex tape? No, I was pictured with a celebrity whilst we were out and he took me to a market to go shopping. That is all." I throw my napkin down on the counter and stalk out of the kitchen before she can stop me. I hear her shout something behind me but I've already zoned her voice out of my head.

Two days. Two days away and I was feeling shittier by the day.

I climb up the stairs and walk into my brother's room. "Are you ready to go?" I ask him, looking around his room. It's still the same dark shade of blue that I had helped my dad paint the walls with a couple of years ago. The memory is still so vivid in my head. How couldn't it be when I spilt an entire bucket of paint over my head? It took about a good two weeks to get all the paint off of my body and hair and to stop looking like a deranged Smurf.

"What are you smiling at?" Danny asks excitedly, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Nothing. Let's get going if you're ready." I motion at the door while he ties his shoe laces.

"You're taking me today?" He grins and I nod my head. It'll be nice to get out and drive for awhile. The last time I drove was months ago and I can't help but think of my car parked under my apartment building in New York, gathering dust.

Maybe I should have gone home to New York. But I had thought being around family would have made it better.

I jog down the stairs after my brother and grab the keys to mothers Honda Civic from the hook on the wall. I'm not going back into the kitchen to ask her for permission, I can hear her raging at pots and pans in there.

Stepping out of the house, the air is much colder so I wrap my coat tighter around my body. I loved winter but I didn't like it when it was winter all year round. You needed some sun and warmth to balance out the frost in your bones.

Pulling up to a parking space in the miniature stadium that my brother has soccer practice in, we get out. That car ride was a nightmare. I haven't driven on the left side of a car in so long that I almost crashed into a tree whilst I was attempting to make a turn.

Danny laughed at my agitation the whole way and I was relieved to be out of the car and walking. Maybe I'll take a taxi back home and leave my mother's car here. I have half the mind to do it but she will probably make me go back and get it myself.

Ugh.

We walk into the lobby of the gym and out of the stinging cold air. Danny skips ahead of me, expecting me to follow him. I let him go ahead of me and move towards the vending machine to get him a water bottle. I forgot to bring him one at my rush to get out of the house.

I put two penny's in the machine and click the number on the tray with the water bottles in it.

"Sierra?" I hear a woman call a few feet away from me. I look up from the machine and search for the person. Grabbing the water bottle I look towards the door that my brother just disappeared through. A woman with short brown hair walks towards me slowly and I don't recognise her at first but then it clicks as she moves even closer to me.

"Carrie?" I blink at her, not believing my eyes.

"Yeah, it's me. It's so good to see you." She squeals like a little girl, coming to a stop in front of me.

Carrie. Heath's older sister. Looking so different now, so much so that I almost couldn't recognise her. She is pregnant too.

"You look completely different! I didn't recognise you. Oh, it's so good to see you." I gush over her, wrapping my arms lightly around her shoulders. The last time I saw her, we were at Heath's funeral and I was half unconscious. She avoided me at all costs after that for reasons I didn't know about and I left for New York soon after.

But I was happy to see her now. She still has the exact same dimpled smile as her brother, the same wavy brown hair, and eyes. My heart skips a beat at the thought. How was she dealing with the loss all these years? She looked well though and that made me feel better.

"It's been too long." She hums into my shoulder.

"It has. You look beautiful with that little bump." A giggle escapes me and she snorts.

"Little? I'm only three months in." A gasp leaves me as she laughs. Three months? Her belly said otherwise.

"How? Are you having twins?" I ask her curiously.

"Triplets. Unfortunately for me." Carries jokes. She was always the funny one of the family and Heath was the dark and sarcastic one.

"Where have you been?" She asks me, pulling me to take a seat on a sofa nearby.

"I—I moved to New York after graduation."

"You did?"

"I wanted to get away Carrie. I'm sorry I didn't tell anyone before I left." At the time, I had just wanted to get away. No one seemed worthy enough for an explanation and frankly, no one cared.

"I understand. I moved back to Australia and got married to my boyfriend after I finished my degree." She says, rubbing her back a little. Carrying one baby is hard, I can't imagine how she's dealing with three.

"I was just there two days ago for a work." I feel a pang of sadness cross me at my own words.

"Really? I see that you're pretty famous these days. You finally got to do what you love. I'm proud of you, darling. I know Heath would be too." Treacherous tears fill my eyes at her words. They meant more to me than she could ever imagine. I blamed myself all these years and a part of me always nagged at my mind, that they probably blamed me too.

"Thank you. But it's not the same. There is a constant gaping hole that nothing will ever fill." I tell her, wiping at my eyes. The necklaces around my neck tinkle's a little at the movement.

"It's the same for us, Sierra. But know this, he loved you enough, enough that he would want you to be happy. He will want you to make new memories. Do you remember how much he loved taking Polaroids of the sunset?" She chuckles a little under her breath, tears spilling down her cheeks. We were crying in public and I couldn't care less.

"Of course. I still have a box of them somewhere in my room. He took so many of them." I smile at the memory of it. His Polaroid camera had been his most prized possession.

"He took a lot of you, too." She smiles and I nod at her. The last time I was home, there had been a box waiting for me. A box sent from his parents, it was filled with all the Polaroid's that he had ever taken.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there that night." I silently plead, finally apologising to his sister.

All these years...

"Sorry? Sierra, do you blame yourself for what happened? Oh honey no, none of that was your fault!" She gapes at me, scooting closer and taking my hands in hers.

"If I was there it wouldn't have happened."

"It would have happened. We all know now that it was unavoidable. What happened has nothing to do with you. Please don't blame yourself. We don't blame you for any of it." She smiles warmly and hugs me again, her baby bump getting in the way.

"Okay." I sniffle, smiling at her amused expression at my crying.

I feel a little lighter, a little free after that. Almost like I've managed to finally free myself of one of the thousand iron chains that have me chained to the wall beside the devil.

"Okay." She chuckles, tucking my hair behind my ear, just like old times. Just like her brother used to.

A/N

I started my new Fanfiction!! It's called "For When I.." It's a Harry Styles fanfic so go check it out if you like!

And also, You are loved, more than you can imagine.

- Rhythmwithlove