I was given a moment before they stopped your heart and I realize now, that it was then, when mine infinitely paused too.
- RA Ramos

**

I push through the crowd of girls, trying to get to the boy in the middle of the crowd. "Excuse me—please..." My vision started to blur the second my feet landed on the ground and I'm wheezing for breath with every step I take towards him. My lungs had to fail me now.

"Heath!" I shout at the boy but he doesn't turn around.

Slow down.

I drown out Luke's yells as he follows close behind me. "Sierra, please stop!"

The kids around the circle go awfully quiet when I move closer to the two boys. The shorter one of the two glares at me as I come into his view. The big movie screen lights up and people start to clap when the movie begins. Every clap is like a lightning flash that is striking right into my chest.

"Heath?" I stop walking before I run into him, now standing directly behind his figure. Slow, torturous realisation that he looks nothing like the dead love of my life seeps into my fragile bones. The boy in front of me has black hair... Not the lovely light brown that I had loved so much.

I promised that I would always remember how he was. So why am I confusing him with someone else? I swore that I would remember every single thing, the panic that seeps into my cells is turbulent. 

"Heath?" I gasp out, putting my hand on his shoulder. I have to see his face, I have to be sure.

The tall man whips around furiously, ready to fight me thinking that I'm about to interfere in his argument. "What?!" He snaps at me loudly and I take a step back, stumbling.

It's not him. . . It's not him. Breathe. The man has deep blue eyes and the angry lines on his face make him look menacing.

His eyes run up and down my body, scrutinising me. "Do you want something?" He snaps rudely again, ignoring my panicked state.

I try to gulp in more air. He doesn't sound anything like my Heath either. "N-No, I-I thought you were someone else."

He's dead because of you remember?

The man takes a hold of my arm, eyes widening when I start swaying on my feet. "Woah, dude, are you okay?" He asks frantically, his words blur along with his face.

My Heath was very tall...

"Hey! Don't touch her!" Luke growls at him, coming up beside me.

"Sierra? Are you okay?" I feel my body turn away from the man in front of me, Luke's blonde hair coming into view. I try my best to decipher what he is trying to say to me.

"What's wrong?" His voice is gentle, pulling me close. I can't breathe. Everything is wrong.

"Is she gonna pass out?" A girl asks Luke but I don't hear his answer, everyone was staring. 

I try my best to drag in more air but my lungs refuse to expand and fill up. "Panic. . . attack . . ." Bending down, I put my hands on my knees.

Luke wraps his arm around my back carefully and I feel us moving. I turn my head to look back at the guy again . . . He was nothing like my Heath. How can you not remember what he looked like?

Why can't I remember it?

Luke takes off his plaid shirt and covers my shaking body with it. 'You're freezing, Sierra." He worries.

My heart is beating too fast, I think, I feel like it pushing against my rib cage. The blood is rushing in my ears, a drum beat I don't want to hear. The pounding is almost deafening.  You never really think a sound that is made inside you since the second you started to exist in the world, could possibly be so ugly and drown you further in your own fears when your own body is rejecting you.

Ba dum ba dum ba dum ba dum

"Sierra, Look at me, baby. Just take deep breaths okay? Yes, just like that, that's my girl. Deep breaths." I feel his warm palms on my cheeks and that I'm sitting on something. Whatever it is, it's smooth under my legs. I try to concentrate on the texture of the material and the tone of Luke's voice but it's pulling away from me as hard as I'm trying to hold onto it.

"My medicine—" Luke moves over me to grab my bag from the inside of the car where I had left it before.

"Which one is it love? There are two." He asks me, frustratingly rolling the bottles between his fingers. His voice is too loud, blending in with the beating in my ears. Too loud.

"It's the-the pink one." I manage to point a shaky finger at the tiny bottle in his hand, my vision blurring my own hand.

You were not supposed to forget...

I squeeze my eyelids closed. "Sierra? Come on love, concentrate on my voice. I'm here," Luke's voice breaks through again. "You're going to be fine." I try to hold onto the thread of it for dear life.

"It's too loud in my head." I murmur, hoping that he can hear me.

You knew the memories will start to fade. Fool.

"It's okay, just listen to my voice. Concentrate on what I'm saying."

He hands me a water bottle with my pill. I lift a shaky hand and drink it quickly, half the water dribbles down my chin and wets my shirt and I feel the cold patch of it spreading, right over my heart. The cold is almost soothing for my aching body.

"I can't listen t-to you. It's too loud." My head spins faster and the noises get louder when I try to concentrate on what Luke is saying.

Luke nods like he understands. "I know. I hear them too, all the time. But it's okay. Just push them back love." He tucks loose hair behind my ear.

I manage to breathe out, "Take me h-home." I feel too many people here and they are all going to consume me whole.

"Are you sure? Will you be okay inside the car?" He asks me softly and I feel my head shake in a nod.

I'm already seated in the car with my legs out so Luke puts my feet inside, one after the other because I'm too numb to move them by myself. It hurts when I move. It's like I'm paralysed against my bodies will.

You broke your promises.

I try to drag in more air as the car doors shut and I feel the ground beneath me move...No, the car is moving.

Heath used to smile at me in a way no one else ever had the pleasure of seeing. Why can't I remember the first time he smiled at me that way? Those memories were mine to keep. Why aren't they vivid anymore?

"Heath?" The boy in front of me turns around and a grin spreads across his face.

"There you are. My beautiful girl." His eyes shine when he reaches over and tucks my hair behind my ear, giving me a quick kiss.

"Stay with me Sierra," Luke repeats. The fading memory I'm trying to grasp onto, flying out of my reach again. 

"We will be at the hotel in a few minutes. Just try to relax." He is frustrated, his hand running up and down my thigh, it feels like a soothing gesture but something inside my stomach stirs painfully at his touch.

I try to gulp down the stone lodged tightly in my throat. "P-Pull over." I manage to croak out, bile rising up my throat.

"Are you going to be sick?" Luke slows down the car, concern laced in his voice.

The car comes to a complete stop, hopefully on the side of the road. I don't really care anyway, I would gladly get hit by a moving car right now. I push open the heavy door, gathering all the strength that I have left and stumble out of the Mustang.

I bend over, retching and squeezing my stomach to try and force the pain out of me. I want to be sick. I want to empty out my stomach but nothing is coming out. Luke appears at my side, holding my hair back and rubbing my back.

"Can I take you to the hospital?" He asks me but I push his hands away.

You promised you will remember

Why can't you remember?

Why can't I remember?

He's gone

You failed him

You promised to always remember

My knees finally give out, not able to bear the weight any longer and I drop onto the ground. A sharp pain caused by my knee hitting a jagged rock shoots through my body and a gasp leaves my mouth.

Luke tries to lift me back up, circling his arms around my torso. "Sierra. Oh god."

"Please, Luke, please don't—touch—me. I need a second." The pain in my body numbs out, the pain in my head and heart taking over.

"Okay. Okay, anything you want love." I feel him shift to my other side, loosening his grip on me a little but not letting go.

"We are forever, Sierra."

"Forever. Promise."

A shriek rings through the air. Mine. The sound of it reverberates through my skull, making it even more painful to breathe.

You think you can just move on from it all? Start all over again with someone new?

I push through the stone lodged in my throat. "No!"

"No! No! No!" I scream as loud as I can, beating my hands down on the ground to get feeling back into them. Gashes open up on my hands and the bones in my fingers pop painfully. Anything to not be numb. To remember it all again.

Another wail rips through my body and I feel Luke's arms tighten around me again but I push him away. "I can't remember!"

"Calm down Sierra."

"I can't remember Luke! I can't remember him." Screeching, I pull at the roots of my hair.

Think think!

Heath

He had brown eyes

Light brown hair

I can kiss him when I stand up on my tiptoes

Steals all my chocolate covered jelly beans

Loves me forever

His smile...Did he have a dimple? Oh god.

"He is blurring out Luke! Help me!" I scream at him at the top of my lungs, pulling at his t-shirt.

"Please calm down, baby. I can't help you if you don't stop hyperventilating. Please." He begs me but it comes in through one ear and passes out the other, my brain processing none of it.

Hiccupping, my eyes widen at him. "No! No, I can't. I promised him—I will remember. That I'll remember all the little things we did and everything about him ... Oh, my god ... I can't remember!" I push away from Luke and drop onto the hard ground again. Fisting my hands around the grass and pulling them out.

Heath

He had brown eyes

Light brown hair

I can kiss him when I stand up on my tiptoes

Steals all my chocolate covered jelly beans

Loves me forever

Why can't I see his dimple? The one I used to love... I know it was there because I know I loved it. Why can't I see it

I pull my knees to my chest. Pulling at my hair again.

Heath

He had brown Eyes

Light brown hai—

"Sierra. Stop this now. Look at me. Look. At. Me." Luke pulls my hands off my hair and I struggle against him. He is here to take the rest of my memories away too. Just like everyone else. I can't let him do that. No.

"No! Leave me alone!"

He will replace your true love.

"I will not leave you alone! Look at me." He turns my face to stare into his eyes.

"Push them out. Don't let them fill your head with words you know that aren't true. Push through it Sierra, I know you can." He firmly orders.

Push them out

Get out of my head

Them? No, me. How do you push your own voice out of your own head?

"I can't do it. It's right Luke. I can't remember him. I thought I could live with it. I can't. I'm a fuck up Luke."

"Remember who, darling?" He pulls my shaking body into his chest and I peer up at him. Trying to anchor myself in his eyes.

Push them out.

"Heath. The pictures up here," I point at my head. "It's blurry now. I can't hold onto the vividness. I'm forgetting him." I whisper, the tears soaking his shirt.

He grits his teeth and nods his head in understanding, kissing me on the temple. "We can't always remember everything. Time fades memories and it's perfectly okay. It's okay to let them fade. If we keep them all, we'll go crazy," I concentrate on the movement of his lips, the words are too much for me to handle. They sound far away anyway.

The feeling in my body starts to return as my lungs finally give in to my bodies needs. My fingers are bleeding, I can feel the blood pulsing out of the cuts and blisters. I don't look at it, I look at his cerulean eyes.

"I can remember a person that was very important to me too. But that person is gone now. I keep going with that fear. I'm learning to push the voices in my head out too. I'm not perfect at it but if I can try, you can do it too. I know you can, S." Luke lovingly strokes my cheek and I lay my head on his shoulder.

I don't want to move again. Every single part of my being hurts.

"I'm crazy. I don't deserve h-happiness." I whimper into his chest.

"You're far from crazy. You're you. You're lovely and so very brilliant that your own thoughts are just too much for you, baby." He rocks us sideways, slowly.

"The medicine is kicking i-in..." I slur at him and feel his hands shift underneath me but I don't hear what he says anymore.

The medication is slowing down my blood rate and helping my lungs expand. My panicked mind is relaxing. The voice in my head slowly recedes back into the dark corners of my mind, hissing at their victory today. They won today because I realised that I am only human. That my memories will only fade with time. Something in my chest twists painfully and I give in. I don't want to drive myself insane, maybe some other day.

"Go to sleep baby, I won't let anything happen to you," Luke whispers closely, lifting me into his arms and everything fades completely.

A/N:

This was a very emotional chapter for me to write. Sierra isn't a schizophrenic in case you think that's the reason she keeps talking about "voices" in her head, she is having a hard battle with her own thoughts. She had a panic attack and she realized that her memories of Heath are fading with time and that's why she reacted that way. Sometimes when you can't remember certain things from important times in your life, it takes a toll on you.

- Rhythmwithlove