"I'm still waiting for the poem that saves me."

"...will you write it?"
- m.razon

**

"You don't have to look so grumpy." Audrey laughs, sitting down next to me on the ground. I had taken temporary residence under a lone tree in the past two hours.

I manage a smile at the girl. "I'm not grumpy. I just have a lot to think about." 

"You're always thinking aren't you? You shouldn't do that so much. That shit is annoying." Audrey points out. She was very observant according to her sister, now I knew what she meant.

"I can't exactly control it. It just happens."

"I guess so... but why aren't you inside?" 

"I just wanted to sit out here for awhile. Clear my head." The party was in full swing and the entire house was packed with people. I think when they meant family they had actually met the entire family, as in aunts, uncles, cousins, four times removed. It had gotten to a point where it was suffocating me to see so many faces I didn't know so I escaped to the backyard. The house overlooked the sea and it was incredibly peaceful out here. I already loved this one tree I was sitting under, we were already good friends.

"Addy and Montana were looking for you."

"They were? How did meeting the in-laws go for Calum?" Before I had escaped, Montana had been freaking out over her family being here. It was cute how they were so in love. Everyone was in love.

"It went well. They loved him, they love everyone so it's really not a problem." She frowns.

"What's the matter then?"

"I actually liked him first. But of course, she got him." She laughs.

"Oh. Well—"

"Just joking Sierra. I'm happy for my sister."

"You will find your Calum Hood one day," I assure her anyway.

"Should we go back inside?" Audrey points back at the house.

"You go ahead. I'm going to stay out here for a little while longer. I have someone to talk too so I really do need all the fresh air I can get."

She raises an eyebrow at me. "Luke, isn't it?"

"Maybe."

"It's okay. I was there yesterday during that meeting. I saw how you couldn't drag your eyes away from him. There is something about you guys--It's like there's an electrical cord pulling you two towards each other. You don't see it and you don't know it's there but the rest of the world does."

I didn't know what I could possibly say to that, so I stare down at my hands that clasped tightly together on my lap. Pulling us towards each other? He didn't even so much as look my way.

"I'm sorry. This must be awkward for you. I didn't mean it in a bad way, it's just nice to see people that are so in love." She shrugs.

"We aren't in love, Audrey. He doesn't like to acknowledge my existence." I laugh.

"If you say so," she shrugs, standing up. "—I'm gonna go back inside before my mum freaks out searching for me. The crowd in there is insane." She gives me a little wave and walks off.

I wave back to her and turn back towards the view of the sea. I really didn't like the fact that there were a lot of animals out here but Australia is way too breathtaking to be sad. Watching the waves calmed my mind, the wind brushed against my skin, playing with my hair.

Only if nature could talk back to me—it might ask me why I haven't slept in days. It might ask me if the wind felt good and I could have asked it to take my worries away with it. Maybe give us a little rain. Most people despised the rain, but not me. I loved it.

It's almost November now. It had only taken two months for all that I had worked so hard to keep away, to come rushing back to me. Two months for a boy to take over my mind and all of my thoughts. I hated him just a week back for the way he treated me but now? I couldn't comprehend what was happening even if someone spelt it out for me. It's ridiculous.

He's kind to me at times and he's so lovely when he wants to be but other times I'm like a wad of chewed up gum stuck on his shoe, unwanted. I never took shit from any guy but with Luke, it felt so different... It felt worth it.

They had walked into my house two months ago and I had been sort of okay with life. I had started to accept myself again and my job. I had been able to give my best-friends the time of day. Now I barely even listen to a thing they say. Troye has been calling me constantly and I have been ignoring his calls too.

I eventually walk back inside, occasionally being stopped by someone to be introduced to a family member of one of the crew. Everyone was so friendly and jolly it hurt my head and after about a thousand stops I finally find the person I'm looking for.

"Mikey!"

"Hey, you! Where have you been? The girls were looking for you everywhere." Michael frowns.

"I was just getting some fresh air," I tell him.

"Come on then, I want to show you something." Michael nudges his head towards a back room which was their recording studio. I hadn't explored their house completely yesterday but Michael had made sure to show me their studio. We had even recorded a few things together for fun.

"Maybe later Mikey. I was wondering if you knew where Luke was? I really need to talk to him." I had come in here determined to track Luke down and ask him all the questions that were eating me alive.

"He's in his room. He refused to come down and socialise." Michael rolls his eyes dramatically.

"Where is his room?" I question. I knew this wasn't going to end well. I could feel it. I didn't know why I was expecting any answers from him but I had to do it anyway. I can regret it all later.

"I don't think that's such a good idea." He voices my thoughts, raising an eyebrow at me.

"I know that, Clifford. But I need to figure some things out and he is the only one who can help me."

He shakes his head at me like a disappointed kitten and sways a little on his feet so I take a hold of his arm. "Don't say I didn't warn you. I would normally stop you from doing something so stupid but at this point, I'm too drunk. His room is on the second floor. Third door to the left."

"Thanks, Mikey." I give him a swift hug and sit him down on a chair so he doesn't trip and fall over something. I jog up the stairs in search of Luke, my heart already lodged in my throat.

---

Luke's Point of View

Breathe in through your nose, breathe out through your mouth. Repeat.

Shit. Everything hurt. My hand hurt like a bitch. These fucking pain killers aren't working at all. My mother had just been up here, yelling at me to take them on time when they don't fucking do anything to stop the pain in the first place.

The pounding in my head is even worse. I'm trying so hard to drown out the sound of it so that I could breathe and calm down before I broke everything in this damn room.

And my heart. God it hurts so much more now. I feel like the hamstrings are being pulled at, stretched beyond its limit every time the blood pumps. Sierra had been right there in front of me yesterday during that bloody meeting and all I had wanted to do was pull her body to mine and bury my face in the hollow of her neck. I could feel her gaze burning into me the entire time I had been sitting there but I didn't give into it. I couldn't bring myself to look at her. She had seen me in my ugliest and most vulnerable state. A state only Ana had seen me in before... A state only that bitch could put me in.

Fuck. Breathe. Breathe.

I couldn't let Sierra in. The constant pounding in my head stops when she's around. My thoughts clear and I'm able to think. I didn't want to think. A constant headache is painful but it is keeping me alive. I'm sinking lower each day and I don't want to drag her down with me. She is too beautiful to be lost. Too many people love and value her. She stands for something, unlike me. I'm a monster. I hurt people, I hurt things and mostly I hurt myself.

A light tap on the door stops me in my tracks and halts my thoughts. I didn't know that I had been pacing back and forth across the room like a caged animal. The door opens without me having to say anything and a figure appears in the doorway.

"Luke?" Sierra calls, her green eyes travelling around the room and finally landing on me in the dark.

---

Calum's Point of View

"Come on." I tug on Montana's hand, pulling her up the stairs while she whined and refused.

"Calum! There are people all over the house. You just met my family ten minutes ago! We are not doing this right now." She hisses quietly as if someone could hear us. They probably would if anyone was around but no one was. The second floor was deserted so I turn around, pushing her lightly against the bannister at the top of the staircase.

"I don't care if there are people. God baby I need you so much right now. This stupid dress is not helping things either." I tug the hem of her black dress a little further up her thigh. This dress was similar to the one she had worn to the ARIAs, the one I had wanted to take off of her so desperately but our plans had been cut short by Luke's drama.

A grin spreads across her lips as she kisses me, my fingers tangling in her long brown hair and I deepen the kiss. She wraps her legs around my waist and I carry her through the corridor, walking into a room which was hopefully mine. I didn't dare break our kiss to look around, kicking the door closed with my foot.

"Five minutes." She moans into my mouth and I lay her down on the bed, getting on top of her.

"Five minutes." I agree, pulling the straps of her dress down her tan arms. I plant wet kisses along her collarbones and down her neck.

"Calum—" she groans as I suck on the soft skin just above the cup of her bra. I love the way she reacted to my touch.

"Calum, stop." She touches the back of my head, raising it away from her body.

"What's wrong?" I try to come back to my senses when she pulls away, patting her hand down around the duvet at her side like she was looking for something. Her hand reaches under and before I can decipher what is happening, she pulls out a little white box. Fuck.

She shakes her head at me, the earlier lust turning into anger.

"You promised me that you wouldn't smoke again." She whispers sadly.

"I wasn't smoking Monti. It's Michael's. He was in here last night and he must have left it here." I explain. She doesn't buy it.

"I smelled it in your breath this morning but I didn't want to say anything because we already have enough shit going on. You can do whatever the hell you want and not listen to me but don't lie to me Calum." Tears fill her beautiful brown eyes and my chest is suddenly filled with a shit ton of bricks. I really hadn't been smoking, but I had bought that pack of lights out of habit. It was so hard to control with everything that is going on in our lives. There is always just so much stress and I knew one drag of that killer stick would take it all away but I had promised the woman that I loved that I would stop. I didn't want to lose her that would cause me more pain than I could ever imagine.

"Montana, I swear I wasn't—" My explanation is drowned out by shouting outside the door.

"I am tired of your shit, Luke! You don't care about anyone but yourself you selfish bastard!" I hear someone shout again.

"Sierra." Montana gasps, pulling the straps of her dress back up her shoulders and the both of us jumping out of bed, running out the door.