CHAPTER FIFTEEN || CHANGE

tw: ptsd, flashback, suicidal ideation

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The atmosphere in the prison had drastically changed in the days that had past since Glenn and Alex were rescued. Rick's behaviour made him drift from the group as he dealt with the grief that came from his wife's passing. Alex's trauma from the recent events having sent her back years in her recovery... as well as Daryl leaving, the baby. in the space of a week, everything had changed.

Alex had avoided almost everyone in the group since she got back. she couldn't bring herself to look Glenn in the eye after what happened as she desperately tried pushing all her memories away yet every time she closed her eyes they all reappeared tormenting her. Hershel had checked in on her a few times only for her to brush off his concern.

the experience had brought up every memory she had fought so hard to forget. reminding her how terrifying the feeling of drowning is, even in a  place with no water... but something deep within the pain and flashbacks there was Eli, where his kind touch lingered in almost every flashback. and that was something she never wanted to forget. so maybe she didn't want to heal, because the pain was the last link to what she had lost... 

panting, Alex continued her push-ups on the floor of her cell. counting each one, her muscles shaking with each rep. her arms burning. any distraction was a good distraction, the burn igniting through her arms with each rep enough to momentarily ease the pain in her heart. 37, she counted as someone cleared their throat from the doorway.

"What?" she huffed continuing her push-ups. continuing to count exhaling through gritted teeth as her muscles weakened. She refused to look up, not wanting to speak to who was there no matter who it was. She didn't want to lose count... counting had always been a distraction. 

"we're all gonna talk about what to do when the governor storms this place. I need you to help me" his voice was sterner than normal, the pain Alex felt Glenn did too. not the same. but it was there. it connected them. bonded them, in a way neither would ever fully understand. 

Alex sighed as she lost count of the number of push-ups she had done,  getting up in defeat she looked up at the boy in front of her as she reached for her army jacket that laid on the small table in her cell next to Glenn's shirt he'd given her days prior.

"and I'm needed why?" Alex scoffed shrugging her jacket on as she rubbed her bicep the aching muscle giving her brain a slither of relief. her eyes met his. and they were different, the look in his eye had changed... she knew what that meant, the same thing had happened to her.

"with Daryl gone, Rick wondering crazy town, Oscar's dead, Alex you're the best fighter here" he was right, and she knew it. she had the training no one else did. she'd fought in wars before, in Afghanistan and in her own mind. no matter what had happened to her she needed to keep Carl and Judith safe, or at least die trying. Nodding, she followed Glenn into the general area of the cell block. walking over to one of the tables she sat down watching as Glenn spoke to Carl about where he had found Tyreese's group. Alex looked around the group, everyone looking toward Glenn for answers. it should've been Rick. 

"Why are you so sure he's gonna attack?" Beth asked when the conversation shifted back to the governor. Alex ran a hand through her hair with a sigh. her mind wouldn't stop telling her this was it, this was the end. 

"he had a fish tank full of heads. walkers and humans. he's coming." Michonne spoke, Alex's head span toward her. he had a tank of heads... could this prick get any worse.

"We should hit him now," Glenn stated, underlying anger laced his voice eager to do something, eager to get back at the governor for what he had done. he was revenge he wanted, justice even. 

"he won't be expecting it. we'll sneak back in. and put a bullet in his head" Glenn stated standing up from his position in front of carl, a strong sense of anger radiating from him. but the need for revenge and justice was often poison... if the urge was too strong it infected the brain like wildfire, consuming every thought. 

"We're not assassins" Carol sighed, humanity was important. She was right, they weren't assassins they were normal people, who had normal lives before. but Alex was, she had been since she joined the military she was a sniper after all. 

"you know where his apartment is. you and I could end this tonight." Glenn spat as walked toward michonne Alex shook her head, she'd believed this conversation was about preparing for his attack. not his assassination.

"no. Glenn, you've barely recovered. considering what happened The governor is either weak or has doubled his security around the gates. he has men and the firepower both things we don't. you go in there and get caught you're both dead. I'll go. I've done ops like this before" All eyes laid on Alex her words shocking almost everyone in the group as Glenn turned to look at her, his eyes wide as he shook his head.

"hell no. You're not going near him." he shook his head disregarding the rest of what Alex had said in an attempt to try and protect her. he wasn't even going to consider it. not a chance. he wasn't going to let it happen again. 

"me and you. we're going tonight," he turned back to michonne his eyes eager for justice, as michonne nodded, Alex shook her head in disbelief looking at Glenn. She wasn't letting him do this either. it was a suicide mission. 

"you're not doing this. you're gonna get yourself killed Glenn." Alex scoffed, Glenn turned to look at the brunette girl as Hershel hobbled toward the pair.

"she's right Glenn. He didn't know you were coming last time, look what happened. Oscar died, Daryl was captured, you and Alex were almost executed." Glenn looked back at the older man as he spoke continuing to remind them of the losses they'd experienced; T-Dog, Lori, Oscar... 

Every loss he had faced rushed through his mind, Dales voice rushing through his head reminding him how important his humanity was... but his anger was too strong it burnt through his chest like the searing pain of a bullet wound. 

"alright... we'll stay put. but we're going to defend this place. we're making a stand." Glenn said defeated, a weight being lifted off Alex's shoulders as Glenn lowered himself back to his position on the floor in front of Carl as they looked at the map of the prison they'd drawn on the floor. Alex sighed watching them Plan and discuss as Maggie made her way over to Alex, Standing next to her, Alex barely noticed her presence. consumed by memories again. She couldn't escape them.

"you doing okay?" Maggie questioned looking toward Alex, She had an Idea of what had gone down, And after what Alex had done for her father she wanted to help. she always did. although the pair didn't speak often there was a mutual unspoken rule... always be there, always be there for each other. 

"yeah I'm good" Alex nodded brushing off the girl's concern her eyes still focused on Glenn as he spoke to Carl about Tyreeses Group, the group wasn't a big enough distraction she needed something else, something stronger... she wanted something stronger. 

"If you need anything, you come and find me okay?" Maggie offered, Alex looked toward the girl a soft smile tugging at her lips at Maggie's kindness. 

"thank you" She smiled softly, her chest ached knowing most of their group had their minds made up about what had happened to her, and there was nothing she could do but accept what had happened... this time around there was no hiding. 

**

Alex had left the group returning to her Cell when Glenn had gone to scout the far side of the prison to find how Tyreese's group had gotten in. She sat on the edge of her bed her mouth dry her throat tightening as she began counting. how had she let all of this happen? 

after everything that had happened to her, she should've known better. tried harder, for Lori, for Eli. She didn't deserve to be alive and she wasn't sure she wanted to be...

Her mind playing awful tricks on her, She tried to fight it, her chest constricting as her skin crawled, her shallow breaths making her rub her chest. Nausea pooled in her stomach as her memories became more real. so real she could see it. the line between memory and reality fading. the guilt, the grief, the anger... it all rushed back in a matter of seconds. 

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

> Flashback: 3 years ago<

"Eli!" Alex screamed shooting up from her bed. heart racing. sweat covering her body. dampening the sheets of her bed. She clawed at her chest as it constricted. His hands she could feel his hands all over her body. the pain was back, she could feel it, every slither of pain that laced her body. 

the tall blonde rushed into his best friend's room the way he always did, when she needed him. She was gasping for breath clawing at her chest. tears in her eyes as she looked at him in fear, it was happening all over again in her mind. He rushed over to her taking hold of her hand, he was there. eli was there.

"Count Alex. Count with me. you're safe you're with me. I'm not here." Counting. it had become something that helped distract the girl from whatever memories were forcing her to believe she wasn't safe. counting with eli, her chest screamed from the lack of oxygen as her lungs heaved trying to ease the burning. her watery eyes stared into Eli's as she tried to count with him.

1,2,3,4.. the memories wouldn't leave.

"Alex!!!" Eli screamed, Pain lacing his voice. Alex's heart raced as she pulled the trigger shooting the walkers that surrounded her in a desperate attempt to find Eli. She couldn't see him. she couldn't find him.

"Eli!" She exclaimed as tears filled her eyes, more walkers approached as she heard a pained scream. Eli. Tears left her eyes falling down her cheeks as she looked around. walkers. everywhere. no way to get to him. She had no choice... 

"I'm so sorry" she whispered her voice breaking as she ran. She ran. and she ran. the wind hitting her tear-stained cheeks. Eli's scream echoed through her ears as she ran.

"Alex"

<flashback over>

"Alex?" Glenn rushed into her cell after coming to see if she'd come with him to check the outer perimeter of the prison only to find her sat clawing at her chest as she struggled to breathe, a look in her eyes one he'd never seen before. she stared right through him as if he wasn't even there. 

he rushed to her side his racing heart almost matching hers as he stared into her fearful teary eyes as she gasped trying to ease the burn in her chest. She wasn't in that room, she was surrounded by walkers. eli's scream replaying in her mind. it was so real. confusion wracked his brain as he called her name again. his throat tightened as he crouched in front of her.

"Alex? Look at me. it's Glenn you're okay" he comforted, the anger he'd been holding onto from the governor diminished in seconds as his focus completely shifted to Alex's laboured breathing, the way she clawed at her chest trying to catch her breath.

The blood pounded in her ears. her heart thudded in her chest. her hands shook. her throat tightened. her vision, disfigured as if she were looking through a fish eye lens. she could barely make out Glenn's blurred frame as he took her hand in his. the feeling of their fingers intertwining distracting her mind for a millisecond. the intense dread Alex felt in her body diminishing as their fingers intertwined. gasping for breath Alex Stared up at Glenn his figure blurred by the tears in her eyes, as she began realising her memories were just that.

"Alex, what can I do?" Glenn questioned fear evident in his voice unsure of what he could do to help. his eyes glazed with concern as Alex squeezed his hand as she tried to control her own breathing to no avail, the unwanted memories appearing in flashes again and again. She needed him, she needed Eli but he was gone. nothing left of him but memories.

"count-" she stuttered through her pained gasps,  A look of confusion showing on Glenn's face yet he listened and started counting. Alex's eyes met his as he counted, his voice wavered with emotions as he wracked his brain trying to figure out what was going on. 

1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. 

her breathing slowly began returning to normal as the memories that haunted her slowed, and she couldn't hear Eli's screams anymore.  but she could still feel it, the raw emotion. the exact emotions she felt in that moment was still there. 

11.  12.  13.  14.  15.  16.  17. 18. 19. 20.

Glenn kept counting, the fear slowly leaving Alex's eyes as her breathing returned to normal and her thoughts slowed. automatically leaning forward to hug the man in front of her momentarily believing Eli's arms were the ones wrapped around her. bringing her a second of relief as tears streamed down her cheeks. 

"you're okay. I won't let anything happen to you again. you're safe" Glenn's soft voice rang through Alex's ears, their hands still intertwined Alex's head was buried into his neck. his free hand rubbing her back in a comforting manner. She stayed silent letting the adrenaline rushing through her veins slow... he wasn't Eli...  

her chest burned from her laboured breaths as exhaustion immediately began forming from her rush of emotions appreciated the comfort Glenn gave her before she realised what had just happened. what Glenn had just witnessed.