Chapter 49: Two of Us

Hestia didn't say anything the whole time she cleaned up my mess. I did the same thing. In the past three days that she was out of my sight, I've already thought of a lot of assumptions about our situation, but on top of that, I only had one question.

Now, what?

Napansin kong natigilan siya habang nakatingin sa isang bagay sa ibabaw ng lamesa. Kinuha niya roon ang picture naming dalawa.

"I'm sorry if I was not around in the past three days," she said while still staring at our photograph. "I just couldn't stand seeing you tied in this bed."

"You have been doing that for half a year," I laughed mockingly.

"Not just that..." she sighed and sat on the edge of the bed, just beside my chained feet. "It hurts seeing you desperate to escape from me."

"You should have thought of that from the very start, Hestia." I knew I was furious at her for doing this. Pero hindi 'yung pagkamuhi na basta-basta ko na lang tatalikuran ang lahat.

I was still looking for a light in our situation— a reason why I should forgive her. Even the slightest one, I would take it. I would fucking accept her again.

"A-are you mad at me?" she asked.

"What do you think?"

She crumpled our photograph as tears loomed around her gloomy eyes. I could see regret, but not enough to completely regret doing this.

I guess there was really nothing I could do anymore. Her fear of losing me has long tainted our friendship. But in the process of holding me close, she just pushed me away.

"H-hindi naman dapat aabot sa ganito ang lahat." Humikbi siya. "Wala sa plano ko ang itali ka sa kama panghabang-buhay, Nathalia. Believe me. I didn't want to do it."

Humigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa kumot habang nakatingin din sa kanya. Alam kong kapag nagsalita pa siya ay masasagot na ang mga katanungan ko.

Can she stop now? She had already ruined us.

"My plan didn't work this time." She wiped the tears off her face. "I did everything to make the situation in favor of me, but..."

"Your plan to make everyone turn their backs on me? That's what you did, right, Hestia? Lahat ng lumalapit sa akin ay sinisira mo."

"Because..." She sobbed harder. "I didn't want to lose you. I do not want to lose you, Nathalia. I cannot lose you. And I will not."

"During our insurgent life. Si Ellie. Tayo lang tatlo no'n. I didn't want to question how she suddenly discovered my real identity. Please don't tell me it's not you who told her."

"It was me," diretso niyang sagot. "I told her that you are the daughter of Lord Severo, the leader of Nightfall Clan. That you have the power to take her out of being insurgent and give her a permanent home."

"You know what happened next—"

"Hindi lang 'yon..." Wala ng luha sa kanyang mga mata ngayon. Walang pagsisisi, pero may takot. "Remember the day when you found me in the cabin bathing in my own blood? You are in delusion at that time. Wala akong dugo sa katawan."

"W-what do you mean? I was there. I saw you covered in blood—"

"Bago 'yon, hindi ba inalok kita ng alak? The drink has an ingredient to delude you into thinking I was bathing in my own blood. That's not real. Nathalia..."

"Hestia..." Lumambot ang boses ko. "I killed Ellie because I thought she did that to you."

"I'm sorry, Nathalia..."

"If that was a delusion, then..." I swallowed as more realization slowly sunk into my mind. "Those visions of me where you were bathing in your own blood. Are those all because you deluded me?"

I badly wanted her to deny it.

I think I died when she nodded.

"Whenever I see you scared to lose me, I feel so alive." She smiled at me. "It makes me feel good knowing you don't want to lose me, too."

"You didn't have to do that."

"I swear, Nathalia. Nagawa ko lang ang mga ito kasi natatakot akong mawala ka. Please, don't say that you are also scared to lose me. No'ng namatay si Melanie, bigla kang nawala."

Hindi na ako nakapagsalita. Biglang naging sariwa ang mga alaala na 'yon. Maybe I somehow understand where Hestia is coming from. I liked Melanie. But when I found out that she was killed during their training, it hurt me to the point that I had to leave home. That's when I found Azalea Village.

"You left me there..." Hestia whispered. "You will do it again. I know, Nathalia. Kristan is special to you. But you know damn well that he won't last the way you want him to. I'm scared that you will leave me again when you lose him."

"Stop talking about your fear of losing me after everything you did, selfish bitch!" sigaw ko sa kanya saka nagpumiglas. "Did you know how much I suffered? All because of your fucking fear of losing me!"

"Did you also think you would still be here if I didn't do all those?" naging pagalit din ang boses niya. "Yes. You have been good to me, Nathalia. But not good enough to be comfortable that it will always be me."

I nodded. "Face your fear now..."

"Nathalia..."

I just closed my eyes.

Fuck!

I am so mad and hurt at the same time. Kahit na makawala ako rito ay baka matulala na lang ako dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko.

"Remember this day..." my lips quivered. "Today is the day you lost me."

"Okay..." she whispered. "Emotionally, I lost you. But physically..." Naramdaman kong niyapos niya ang aking pisngi. "You are still here."

I opened my eyes and didn't hesitate to slap her. She didn't even flinch, as if she already expected that slap. Sa sobrang lakas no'n ay alam kong nasaktan sita.

Nasaktan din ako.

"Get your fucking hands off me," I said with emphasis.

Hindi siya nagsalita. Inalis niya ang kamay sa mukha ko saka tumayo. Napayuko siya.

"I-I'm sorry..." bulong niya.

"Piss off. Siguraduhin mong hindi ako makakalaya rito, Hestia."

"Will you kill me?"

Something got in my throat when she asked that. Fucking hell. Sa dami ng sakit at pait ang naranasan ko, wala pa ring tutumbas sa sakit na pinaramdam sa 'yo ng babaeng naging sandalan mo no'ng naranasan mo ang mga bagay na 'yon.

I felt so alone and hurt.

"Hindi mo ba ako mapapatawad, Nathalia? Gaya ng pagpapatawad na binigay mo kay Kristan?" may halong desperasyon ngayon ang kanyang boses. "Hindi ba ilang ulit ka na rin niyang binigo? Pero binasura mo ang lahat!"

"He didn't betray me the way you did!"

"He didn't betray you?" mapait siyang tumawa. "Ano ang naramdaman mo no'ng mga panahon na kailangan mo ang tulong niya pero iba ang pinaglaanan niya ng oras?"

I shut my mouth. She's just pushing my buttons even more.

"What did you feel when you saw him carrying someone else at your lowest time? Didn't you feel betrayed? Didn't you feel any resentment?"

"This is all pointless, Hestia."

"Pointless because you love him. You will forgive him whatever he does and what crime he commits." She laughed sarcastically. "Be thankful, at least. I'm saving you from making any further mistakes. It's enough mistake that you revived him."

"No. My biggest mistake is when I excluded you from the list of friends who would betray me."

Her eyes turned bloody red as I hit a nerve.

"Now that you revealed yourself, I think I finally learned the reason why my life has been hell. That's because you are in it."

"Enough now!" she screamed. "You know why my plan failed? That's because you are in love with him. I failed to ruin him to you because you are fucking in love with him!"

"What a pity you failed."

"Kung alam ko lang ay sinunog ko na rin si Kristan sa building na 'yon!"

Pakiramdam ko ay lumubog ako sa kama dahil sa sinabi niya. Parang nilulunod sa lason ang dibdib ko habang unti-unting bumabaon sa isipan ko kung ano ang tinutukoy niya.

"That's right, Nathalia. Ako ang nagsunog ng building. Sinadya ko ring sunugin si Kathlysse sa harapan ni Kristan dahil alam kong kailangan mo rin siya pero siya ang tutulungan niya."

I felt an intense feeling creeping through my veins. Nagawa kong ikilos ang kong paa kaya naramdaman kong nakalaya ako sa isang tanikala.

Just one more.

"Everything failed. Dylan, whom I masked as Terrence using my own memories. I thought by using your dark past, you would cling to me even more. I failed. Kristan. You are number one on his list he must not forget. Everything failed. Everything led to here!"

Nagawang makawala ng isa kong paa, pero dahil nanghihina pa rin ako ay kailangang parehong mga paa ko ang makalaya.

"Before I passed out, I remember that Kristan attacked you," I said.

"That's just another delusion," she admitted.

Everything was just a delusion.

I thought I was free all my life. I didn't know I'd been stuck in one place all this time. I was being fooled into believing I was progressing in life.

Lumuhod sa harapan ko si Hestia saka hinawakan ang aking kamay. Ramdam ko ang labis niyang panginginig. Tila nawala ang natitirang awa at pagmamahal ko sa kanya.

I've been living a hell life because of her.

"It's all in the past now. Pangakong hindi ko na gagawin ang mga nagawa ko dati. Tayo na lang ngayon, Nathalia..." Nakaluhod na lumapit siya sa akin saka hinawakan ang aking kamay. "Magsisimula tayo uli. Tayo lang dalawa."

"Why did you let Kristan live then?" I asked.

"He won't be a hindrance anymore," she whispered, and I had no idea what she meant by that. "I want you to feel the pain, and I will help you ease it."

Tumayo siya saka binuksan ang pinto. Lumabas doon si Kristan na nakatulala lang. Walang buhay na naglakad ito papasok.

"Let's end it here, Nathalia," Hestia smiled.

Napako ang tingin ko sa hawakan ni Kristan. He was holding the dagger that Terrence gave me. I remember clearly what Hestia said about that.

"Even a small wound caused by that dagger can end any vampire. No bleeding. You will just turn into ashes and, eventually, a wind. No trace."

"W-what are you planning, Hestia?" I stuttered.

"I want you to feel the pain of losing someone you dearly love. Don't worry, Nathalia. You are next. I will remove your heart so you will no longer suffer from these memories. We will live peacefully together. Just the two of us."

Kumunot ang noo ko nung tinaas na ni Kristan ang punyal at tinutok ito sa kanyang dibdib.

"Do it, Kristan. Goodbye," Hestia whispered.

Doon ako nagpumiglas nang husto para makawala sa kadena. Sumigaw na ako pero buo na ang pasya ni Hestia na gawin ito. Si Kristan naman ay wala sa huwisyo para pigilan ang sarili.

"Stop, Hestia!" I screamed in desperation.

"Forgive me, Nathalia..."

"No! Please!"

I think my heart stopped beating when Kristan stabbed his chest with that dagger. It was as if my heart got extracted out of my chest at the same time that dagger stabbed him.

I thought that was it.

Kumunot ang noo ni Hestia nung hindi tumagos sa dibdib ni Kristan ang punyal. Tila may matigas na bagay roon ang humarang sa patalim nito.

Kristan slowly turned to Hestia. May kinuha siyang bagay na nakatago sa loob ng kanyang damit banda sa dibdib. Inilabas niya ang libro na may marka pa ng patalim ng punyal.

"H-how did you get that?" nauutal na tanong ni Hestia na ang tinutukoy ay ang libro.

"Hindi lang ito ang nakuha ko." Pinakita rin ni Kristan ang mga papel na mas lalong dumagdag sa pangamba ni Hestia. "I have everything you have been keeping away from Nathalia."

I finally freed myself from the chains that had been binding me in bed. I slowly stood up.

"It's over now, Hestia..." Kristan whispered.

"It's over?" Humalakhak si Hestia. "I don't think so."

Naglabas din ng punyal si Hestia at tinangka niyang isaksak sa dibdib ni Kristan. Ngunit naunahan ko siya sa pagkakataong ito. Kinuha ko ang punyal sa kanyang kamay saka binali.

"N-Nathalia..."

I looked at her, full of disgust.

Napaatras siya at halatang nasindak. Gusto ko mang maawa ay hindi ko na magawa. Kung may nararamdaman man ako ay pagkamuhi.

"You said that you liked me," I whispered. "But I don't think you liked me enough to free me from your obsessive fear. You didn't like me enough to trust me. Because if you did so, you would know that you were just frightened about your delusions and thoughts of me."

Bumagsak ang kanyang mga balikat. "You could question everything but not my feelings for you!"

"Do you know what you did to me?" may pait kong tanong. "You made trusting for me harder than it should be. I have always been hesitant about things because of you. You made me question my worth. You made me not good enough."

Wala siyang nagawa kung hindi ang lumuha.

"I love you, Hestia. Believe me, when I say I will never betray you the way you did to me. But if I will forgive you, you will just become living proof of my biggest mistake."

"I don't regret anything."

Napatingin ako sa hawak ni Kristan na libro. Napansin niyang nakatingin ako roon kaya nagkusa siyang ibigay sa akin.

I read the front page of the book. "I must remember. I serve only one woman. Her name is Nathalia Cardinal. I must not forget."

"Is this the Initium Libellus book you are talking about?" I asked Hestia.

She nodded.

"That's why you wanted me to get rid of this book..." My fists clenched. "It stores not Terrence's memory but Kristan's."

"I write everything in this book," Kristan stated. "When Hestia took it from me, I forgot about you. I have been a puppet of her because I don't remember anything."

"I read everything in that book..." Hestia chuckled. "I don't think your slave is aware that falling in love with you is—"

Bago pa niya matuloy ang sasabihin ay nahawakan ko na siya sa leeg. Sinandal ko siya sa pader. Nakangiti pa rin siya kaya hinigpitan ko ang pagkakahawak sa kanya.

"I don't want to hear anything from you anymore," I whispered. "You have already hurt me enough."

"There's no better way to die than to die in your arms..." she whispered. She was not resisting. She was just staring at me with a smile. "This is better. I cannot live without you anymore."

A tear escaped my left eye while my hand slowly penetrated her chest. Her tears turned to blood, slowly flowing on her smiling lips.

Dahan-dahan ay hinawakan niya ang pisngi ko saka pinunasan ang luha roon.

"I think I liked you in a wrong way..." she whispered as she struggled to breathe. "I love you, Nathalia. I'm sorry for everything..."

Kristan pulled me away from Hestia. Siya na ang nagtuloy sa ginagawa ko. He pulled Hestia's heart out of her chest, and I watched her fall to the ground. Her smile slowly faded while still looking at me.

Napaupo ako at napahagulgol.

Nilapitan ako ni Kristan saka niyakap.

I wept for an entire hour. Kristan didn't say anything. He just hugged me and let me cry my heart out.

Why did it have to end like this?

I don't know how to start after this.

I no longer have my best friend.

I told Kristan to carry Hestia on her room. Nilinis niya ang dugo bago ito kinumutan. Nakangiting hinawi ko ang buhok niya.

"I hope you will have a better life after you wake up," I whispered. "I will miss you, Hestia. I hope I will never meet you again."

Palubog na ang araw nung lumabas ako ng mansion. Naglakad ako sa dalampasigan. Tumayo ako saka pinagmasdan ang alon ng dagat habang lumulubog ang araw.

This is truly peace after the chaos.

I have to live my life without her starting now.

"Ilang araw bago siya magising?" tanong ni Kristan na tumayo sa tabi ko.

"Hindi ko rin alam."

But one thing was sure. Her life would be better.

He sighed. "Anyway, I think you should read these letters. I found these in Hestia's room. She's been hiding everything from you."

Kinuha ko ang mga sulat sa kamay ni Kristan. Isa-isa kong binasa lahat. Sa tingin ko ay naubos na ang pakiramdam ko dahil wala na akong naramdaman pagkatapos basahin lahat.

Isang buntonghininga lang ang lumabas sa bibig ko.

"I'm sorry about your father..." he whispered.

"He got what he deserved," I said, shaking my head. That's why my family back home had been unusually quiet. I was being deprived of information about them. "I need to go home. They need me."

"I-I know what Hestia was trying to say..." Napayuko si Kristan.

"About what?"

"A-about us..." Naglakas-loob siyang tumingin sa akin. Malungkot na ngumiti siya. "I think I have committed a crime."

"Then that makes us two."

His lips slightly parted.

Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya saka hinaplos. "I want to correct my mistake and redo all those wasted times when I thought I was not good enough."

"N-Nathalia..."

"I want to trust again. I want to learn how to trust someone again." I smiled at him. Tila nabunutan ako ng tinik sa dibdib. Lumuwag uli ang paghinga ko. "Gusto kong mag-umpisa sa 'yo."

I think that we should not be afraid to trust again after someone fails us. We should instead fear if our fears start to manipulate us into thinking we are not good enough.

Freedom is when you finally realize that whatever you do, you are meant to feel hurt or get disappointed. Freedom is about not being imprisoned by your fear. Freedom is all about feeling the moment.

"That's such an obligation," he chuckled.

"I need to go home. I have to do one thing I have been dying to do ever since..."

"Can I come?" he asked.

"A lot of things have changed since we left there, Kristan. When I say a lot, I mean there's an entire world happening there. Masyadong magulo."

"I want to come with you. Kahit na iwan mo lang ako sa hotel gaya ng ginawa mo dati. It's fine with me."

I sighed. "Matatagalan din ako roon."

"I am willing to wait..."

"After that... there will be just the two of us."

He smiled.

"Is that fine with you?" I asked.

"Anywhere with my lady."