Chapter 34: Freezing Heart

My feelings didn't get better even after a few hours. When I took a shower, I turned off all the sources of lights. I felt disgusted not just seeing my wrinkled skin but also touching it. I put on oversized pajamas paired with socks to cover my lower body and a turtle neck sweater with gloves on top.

I didn't check my phone yet. Alam kong binabalita na rin ngayon ang bigla kong pagkawala sa gitna ng kaguluhan. Baka nga inisip nilang nasa building pa ako hanggang ngayon.

Kristan wasn't home yet. Maybe he made sure first that Kathlysse was safe. Perhaps he was still waiting for her to get her consciousness back. He's really that thoughtful, after all.

I wonder if he was aware that I was there, too?

I decided to take the stairs to the rooftop. Nakasalubong ko pa ang isang lalaki na may dalang sleigh shovel. Mukhang kagagaling niya lang din sa rooftop. Balot na balot ito ng jacket gawa ng sobrang lamig na panahon.

"It's cold outside," umusok ang bibig niya nung magsalita. "I just managed to clear the upper layer of snow off the floor. It will just get thicker later. Are you going up?"

I nodded. He was shivering even with those thick clothes.

"You better not stay there long, or you will catch a cold," he warned, walking to the side to give me the space I needed to proceed. "Snow is only fun on its first fall, isn't it?"

I just smiled and walked passed him.

Gaya ng sinabi niya ay makapal pa nga ang niyebe pagkaapak ko sa rooftop. Halos lumusot ang boots ko para lang makalakad sa dulong bahagi. Patuloy pa rin ang pagbagsak ng niyebe kaya hindi malabong mas kumapal pa ito.

I walked to the edge, where I could see everything. Up from this high building, I could see the roof of each establishment covered in thick white snow. The surrounding was foggy that I could barely see the lights on the stoplights nor the lights from the cars passing by.

After escaping from that smoky burning building, I am now standing in a hazy freezing place. I hate that I hate being here and feeling nothing. I hate that I like myself even more in that place where I feel like I am everything.

If happiness was freedom, then sadness was a dungeon.

"Do you know that eavesdropping is a trait only humans are supposed to possess?" I asked, turning my head to the door. "This is senseless for us."

"I just wanted to check on you," Kristan said, finally revealing himself.

"I have been looking for you around."

He wanted to check on me after he checked on her first. What an insult, not only because I was supposed to be his top priority but also because I hated it the most when I was being neglected.

I had so many words to say, but I ended up just staring back at him. His eyes looked colder than the weather and somehow hollower than my feelings. He seemed sadder than I think he was supposed to be.

"I-I saw you, running away with Dylan," he said, slowly closing the distance between us. "I was about to run after you when I saw Kathlysse hurt—"

"Why are you explaining now? You already made your decision."

He shook his head. "I just want you to understand—"

"Which I do, Mr. Admiral." I unclenched my fists, not letting myself go further his reasonings which I thought were valid. But I couldn't help it. "You made yourself clear when you chose to go after her even though I was there, too."

Natigilan siya sa paglapit sa akin kasabay ng pagtikom ng bibig niya.

He was guilty about that.

"You talk like a man of words, but you are just another disappointment." I abruptly appeared in front of him, which startled him, but he didn't flinch. "I put my hopes so high for you."

Napayuko na lang siya na mas kinasama ng loob ko. Hindi man lang ba niya ipagtatanggol ang sarili niya? Hindi man lang ba niya tatangkaing ipaliwanag ang sarili sa akin nang sa gano'n ay gumaan ang pakiramdam ko? Hahayaan na lang ba niyang maging ganito ang tingin ko sa kanya?

"If you cannot be a help to me," I sniffed because it's really hurting me. "That just means you are no use to me anymore. Do you know what that means, Mr. Admiral?"

He lifted his attention back at me, but this time with so much confidence. I had no idea what that meant, but I wished I had stopped him from talking.

"If I could turn back the time, I would still choose to do the same—"

"Enough!" I screamed and held him by his neck, slowly lifting him to the ground. "Out of all the mistakes I have committed, I didn't know you would be one, too. I had high hopes from you and probably higher than you deserved."

Hindi siya nagpumiglas. Naglakad ako sa bingit ng building. Ngayon ay tanging kamay ko na lang ang nakahawak sa kanya. Kapag binitiwan ko siya ay mahuhulog na siya.

"T-take it back." I whispered as I felt my eyes turn back to normal. "If you were given another chance to choose, who would you save first?"

I was desperate for him to choose me, even if it was a lie.

He smiled. "Kathlysse needed me."

I needed you, too!

You were not there when I needed you. It hurt me not because you were not there but because you were with someone else. That's worse than not being there when I needed you.

"I did what I had to do. I'm sorry, Nathalia."

"You are too kind, Kristan. But kindness will not save you."

"I understand."

I nodded. Binitiwan ko na siya kasabay ng pagbulusok niya pababa ng building. Tinanaw ko siya na nakatingin lang sa akin. Bumagsak ang luha ko no'ng mapansin na wala siyang balak na bumangon para hindi tuluyang bumagsak.

He was just letting himself in free fall.

I closed my eyes and jumped after him.

Before he hit the ground, I managed to get him. I knew that falling from a high place wouldn't harm him in any way, but I just couldn't stand there and watch him fall. There was this urge to ensure he's safe and unharmed, at least.

We landed on an empty parking lot. Magkayakap pa kami kaya unti-unti na rin akong kumawala. Humakbang ako ilang beses paatras habang nakatingin sa kanya.

"You know what to do," I whispered.

He just stared at me for a moment.

"Nathalia..."

"You are free..."

Tumango siya at dahan-dahan na ring umalis. Nagpaiwan ako sa parking lot nang ilang minuto. Nagyelo na rin maging ang luha ko. Pag-akyat ko sa penthouse ay wala na si Kristan at Lilly. Iniwan niya ang kanyang mga damit. Mukhang wala siyang binitbit maliban sa kanyang alaga.

He really chose to leave me instead of choosing me.

Mahirap ba akong piliin?

For some reason, it felt colder here than outside. Even with these expensive displays and materials, this place felt empty and abandoned. I hate how it perfectly mirrored myself.

Hinawakan ko ang isang vase at hinagis sa wall. Lumikha 'yon ng isang malakas na ingay na naging maganda sa pandinig ko. Hanggang sa kumuha ako ulit at hanggang sa halos lahat ay mabasagk ko na.

I am Nathalia Cardinal. I am not allowed to be sad or neglected by someone or anyone in any way. I have everything a person could ever ask for— money, beauty, fame, and even youth that never fades. But even with all these, why do I still feel like I am being left out?

No. It felt so wrong for me to feel this way.

Marami na akong pagkakamali. Hindi na bago sa akin 'to. Gaya ng mga lumipas, kailangan kong bumangon at iwanan ito sa nakaraan. Ayokong makulong sa kalungkutan na dulot ng mga kamalian sa nakaraan.

Tragic.

I took all my clothes off. Mabuti na lang ay bumalik na sa dating ayos ang aking balat. I felt better now. Pumasok ako sa shower room para maglinis ng katawan. Nakangiti ako habang hinahawakan ang makinis na kutis.

This is me— flawless, worry less, and free.

Hindi pa sana ako lalabas ng shower room kung hindi lang walang tigil na tumutunog ang doorbell. I put on a bathrobe and walked to the front door. Pagbukas ko no'n ay biglang yumakap sa akin si Hestia.

"N-Nathalia..."

I almost forgot about her. She's been the constant right thing in my life. This situation made me realize that I hated being neglected, but I tend to neglect the only one who genuinely cares for me—the only one who stood the test of time.

She sobbed. "I-I was worried..."

"Do you think a fire could harm me?" I joked.

"No." She faced me, wiping her tears away. "I was worried that your skin got burned and that you would decide to burn all the other buildings around out of rage. Oh, please. No."

I laughed. "Do I look like that brutal?"

She rolled her eyes at me. "You burned someone alive, remember?"

That shut my lips.

As though she just realized what she said.

She cleared her throat. "Mukhang ayos ka naman. Wait. Have you heard the news?" pag-iiba niya agad sa usapan pero huli na dahil nabanggit niya na rin ito.

"About what?" Tumalikod na ako saka pumasok sa kwarto ko.

I love this woman and hate her at the same time. She could either lift your mood or push you to the bottom with her sudden urge to bring back your worst nightmare. Why the hell would she mention that all of a sudden? Not now that I am still recovering from Kristan.

"Kristan is a hero now!" she suddenly announced.

I randomly picked a dress and put it on.

"He's going viral on social media after he saved Kathlysse's life. Narinig ko pa ngang siya agad ang hinanap ni Kath after nitong magkamalay kanina. Unfortunately, they cannot find him. He just disappeared. They don't even know his name."

Nakikinig lang ako sa kanya habang nagpapatuyo ng buhok. Hindi ko pa rin nababanggit sa kanya ang nangyari sa amin ni Kristan. At wala akong balak na banggitin. That man is gone for good. Iyon lang ang dapat niyang malaman kung sakali.

"Where is he?" finally, she asked.

"Gone," simple kong sagot.

Tumayo ako para maglagay ng lotion sa balat. Hindi naman talaga ito nakakatulong para gumanda ang kutis ko. Naglalagay lang ako nito dahil mabango sa balat.

"What do you mean gone?"

"Ikaw lang naman ang tumagal sa akin."

"Oh? You mean..."

I sat in front of the vanity mirror. Luckily, Hando gave me an extra necklace for emergency purposes. I put it on and a perfect image of a woman in red slowly formed in the mirror.

There I was, still gorgeous despite going through so many calamities.

"I don't get it," ani Hestia. "I thought Kristan was good. What did he do?"

I shrugged. "Be a disappointment. I'm going to visit Kathlysse in the hospital. Sasama ka ba?"

Pagkaharap ko sa kanya ay nakaupo pa rin siya sa kama. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin na parang sinusuri ako.

"Are you going or not? If not, you can clean up all the shattered stuff around—"

"I'm going!"

"Did you bring your car?" I asked, and she nodded. "Good. I'm not in the mood to drive."

On our way to the hospital, Hestia asked me again about Kristan. Gone. That's the only response she got from me. He's gone. That's all she needed to know.

Halata kay Hestia na nasasayangan siya kay Kristan. Hindi ko rin naman maipagkakaila na nakakapanghinayang siya. Pero mas pinili niya ang iba kaysa sa akin.

I'm too good to settle for less.

May mga media pa sa labas ng hospital kaya nagkagulo nung dumating kami. May mga security guard naman na nag-escort sa amin papasok. Naabutan namin si Kathlysse na nagpapahinga sa hospital bed.

"Hey!" Kath smiled at us. "Did you get hurt?"

I shook my head. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling better now. I've just got a small burn on my right leg, but the doctor said that I have nothing to worry about the scar." Bumaling siya kay Hestia. "How about you? Are you okay?"

Napatingin ako kay Hestia. "You were there, too?"

Hestia nodded. "I just got there, but the fire decided to be an asshole and ruined my night. By the way, have you already found him?" she asked Kathlysse.

Kath bobbed her head. "No. But I am not giving up on him. I want to find him and thank him for saving my life. If he was not there, I could have..."

"I'm sure anyone would come to your aid at that crucial time," I said, taking the vacant chair and sitting on it. "I'm just glad you are good. I suddenly want to thank him, too."

From my peripheral vision, I could see Hestia scrutinizing my words.

Kath smiled and nodded. "I owe him my life. I will not stop until I find him."

"What a hero..." I mumbled.

"He's my hero."

Suminghap ako at tumango na lang.

Bumukas ang pinto. Pumasok ang isang security guard.

"We found him," he announced.

I froze in my seat.

Kristan came in.

Kath stood and ran to hug him.

It happened so fast.

It felt like a scene from a movie where they were long separated lovers who had just got reunited. It was supposed to be heartwarming, but I could feel my heart freezing.

"Thank you," Kath sobbed. "Thank you for saving my life."

"Are you okay now?" he asked.

"I am. Thank you..."

"Kristan," he said.

"Thank you, Kristan."

She hugged him again, but he was looking at me this time.

He was staring at me as if I was just some stranger.

"I'm glad you are safe, Kath."

"Because of you. Thank you, Kristan."

It felt like my freezing heart dropped on the floor and shattered into pieces.