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My heart beats a new beat
for the first time.
Is that you?
MJ1
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I look at my wristwatch, it's already lunchtime.

I sigh. His car is the only one in the parking lot. The forest calls for me from the other end as we walk. The wind knocks the leaves from the branches, reminding that autumn is approaching. I love fall with its shades of red. It's my favourite season. Everything is so colourful, the world once monochrome becomes a piece of art. Today's arts seem like the most beautiful thing. Mesmerizing.

Just like that yellowing leaf, I wonder what my true colours are. What are my passions and desires? Who am I besides the big sister? At the very least I know I can speak my mind. It was new. For a long time, I had no voice. Words couldn't make it out. There was a mental barrier that disconnected me from my feelings. That veil was growing thin. Feeling was overwhelming, but it proved that I was alive. It just took the loss of my siblings to take me from my numbness.

We get in the car, the books over my knees, I am lost in my thoughts, as He makes a couple of calls. Obviously, feeding me wasn't his top priority, but I was now too self absorbed to care. I lock my seatbelt.

Meanwhile my mind drifts to my family...

Memories of the happy days with Mom loving us filled my mind. She used to be caring.
My heart twists.
Then she began working more often than not. That was probably when she met Richard. Even then the fridge was always full until a few months ago. Before the summer break, the final change happened. The house was deprived of a mother and the fridge was empty. It was like she forgot that we had to eat. Every now and then a few bills would appear here and there assuring food on the table for a week or two.
Breathe, No crying!!
The cold window refreshes my forehead.

He exits the parking lot, reminding me we are to eat, but I am not hungry anymore. I know what hunger means. In the past few months, I literally starved myself some days to ensure food for my siblings.

It was in April, she didn't come home for the first time. Sasha, my landlord, was our saviour. She was snooping like always, but she often ended giving us a casserole dish. Was mother depressed then? Did Richard used that to get into her head?

When she became herself again after a month, I was hopeful, but the change happened again a few times again until my loving mother was no more. That heartless woman fully replaced her.

The teardrop that escapes my eyes feels like it's burning its way down my cheek, mocking my efforts at self-control. It was hard to remain strong, but my duties as a big sister pushed me into motion, doing the duties my mother didn't. Now that I was alone, the facade I had created was shattering opening the festered wounds in my soul.

I close my eyes and recoil in my seat, closing my eyes and digging my nails into my folded arms. Somehow it helps me. A nail curls in an oddly shaped sending a wave of pain. Hurriedly, I twist it back with my teeth.

The car comes to a stop while I discreetly dry the remaining tears. Tom makes a pause waiting for me to come out. Finally making my way out, Tom walks forward and I follow until I am pulled backwards, stumbling and making contact to a hard chest. The shiny surface of the door glass reflects my astonish eyes for a second folloed by a man with a sorry expression. Tom's arm embraces my shoulders closer, making me walk a few steps back leaving enough space to fully open the door. My heart's drumming takes a quicker beat.

With his arm over my shoulders, he guides me in and into a chair. He clears his throat, shame is still written over my face.

"All this must be hard for you. I mean, being away from your family." He stalls for a second, taking his hand to the back of his head. "I don't have a family. My only family is my dad, and he never calls me at all so." He takes a gulp of water. Hum. My assumption was right. "Anyway, I made a family on my own instead and I want you to meet them."

Steadily looking at him, his facade breaks for a split second, he seems hurt, but was too proud to admit it. His stoic face reminds me of myself in complicated situations over the past few months, years even. I know that feeling so well. Pretend to survive. Something stirs inside, but I fight the despair. I can't breakdown. Not here.

Hiding my shaking bones, I take a deep breath instead and blink, chasing the mist from my eyes.

"Your friends, those from the bar?" I ask sitting listlessly on my chair while hoping for a change of topic.

The view over the window behind him becomes my new focus, giving us both some privacy to gather our emotions. Lunchtime was nearly over and the street was coming back to life with people ready to shop, others had already their packages in their hands.

"Not all, just John. He has been with me since kindergarten." His voice seems genuinely alive. He likes that guy, it makes me regret my unlawful memory. He was probably there the other night . "Life separated us. I move to a different town. We found each other after a few years and It was like I had never left. I was home."

Absentmindedly, I nod and seize a sip of water. I never felt like I fitted with people my age, but he was different. He had lived a lonely life, but he had lived it to its fullest while I cowered in the library. I am such a coward!

"And the girls? Which is your friend and which is your girlfriend ?" My shoulders slump, the glass on the table becomes my main interest. When did I become such a brazen person? A chuckle catching my attention, I look at him.

He looks me straight in the eye, runs a finger over his lips to hide his amusement, his elbows are resting on the table, but his eyes are shining.
"Neither, nor. People can assume what they like. It's not because we're close that we're like that."

Catching up with the words, my mouth moves on its own.
"Oh. I thought, I mean, when they were dancing, they were dancing so, forget it." My cheeks getting hot, I was only worsening things.
that didn't come out right!

The smile on his face partly hidden, adding to my shame, I turn my eyes away. Leaning towards me; I sit up straight in my chair, suddenly aware of his proximity.

"Hum, I didn't got close to them did I? That would only happen with THE person." The huff at the beginning followed by his mellow voice makes my breath quiver.

"I don't see what you mean." I spout while playing with my hair, my blood pressure rising.
Images from this morning flew through my mind while butterflies spread through my body, heating my core. I never felt like this before. Why did he had such an emotional effect upon me?

The server comes.

Avoiding the complicated menu with foreign words, I point a picture. Seeing my hesitation, Tom says the order. Finally, the server left, making me sigh out of relief.

"So... Lili is John's sister, and Anna is Lili's best friend."

He nods.

"And... Anna has a crush on you."
My breath drops to a stall.

Shrugging his shoulders, he answers,
"Whatever. I'll never involve myself in a relationship with her or with Lili. They're like sisters to me."

"Why are you telling me all this?" Crossing my arms, I reprimand myself for leading the conversation to it, but a part of me was relieved.

He lifts a brown,
"I'm not sure. Why are you asking me all these questions about my love life?" His grin lifts to his ears.

.... S...i...l...e...n....c...e...

An awkward awareness grew inside me making me uneasy. Looking out the window to avoid him, he tapped his phone.

Food got served, and we ate in silence, avoiding one another until his friends showed up. Besides the trio he mentioned, a guy tagged along.

Tom moved to my left next to the window before the girls could pick the chair beside him, pressing John to grab more chairs.

"So, how are things with your step? You're downright inseparable now!"

John winked, now sitting across the table, I look away pretending I'm not there, but his friend's inquiring eye on me made it impossible.

"Well, it looks like her mom is more important than the last ones! I have to take care of her like my shadow, otherwise..." He makes the sign of a knife cutting through the air.

"Ohhh!! It's SERIOUS!!!" He adds with his lips forming an o.

Everyone's attention was on both of them. Again, I was the primary subject and I hate every second of it!

Slowly, the topic changed to the reminiscences of Tom's father and his eccentric rules, and they all laugh about it.

With time, they learned to bend the rules.

"Remember the math exam with that teacher, M. Ben? He was so upright, and we got the exam answers in the classroom, avoiding his piercing eyes." John laughs in between pointing a finger at Tom. "But you won the contest with the answers hidden in the eraser. How did you fit the answers between that tight space?"

"I carved it in the middle. It wasn't hard." He shredders with a smile.

"You, you have a hell of naughty half brother!" He tell's me with admiration as he looks at Tom. "Remember the mascot?" Puffing, everyone looks around, amusement in their eyes. "you hid under a mascot costume to fool the bodyguards your dad sent to prevent you from attending the football match. You played like a pro, tacking your opponents mercilessly, only to disappear in a flash."

"I knew that. I saw him pushing that guy and undressing him." Anna smiles. "He didn't even took his clothes off. That is how desperate he was."

They laugh about it, Lili gave Anna a long look.

"everything wasn't thrilling, that night." The second guy's voice was stern, his knuckle twitching, making everyone twist in their chairs.
"People had too much fun ending with fights and a bunch of cars crushed because of bad weather and racing." His eyes narrowing at them. "Remember Leon? He died, along with George and Lucy. So stop laughing about that night."

As he spoke, Tom tense up next to me. I could feel his struggle to remain serene, just like I was no earlier that day. Looking down, I saw his hand gripping his pants and pinching his muscles while his face remained relaxed.

My heart pinching for him, I tended my hand over his under the table. He jumped a bit, leaving his pants, and then he squeezed my hand back before leaving it for a glass of water. I got my hand back to my lap, realizing my deed.

Tom switched the conversation to what came after instead of the grievance.

"tell me about it, afterwards dad caged me. Homeschooling sucks. With so many security guards, it was impossible to have any fun at all." His voice was dreadfully low.

"They sent you to a military school." Anna recalls.

why was his father so afraid? what was his job about? Could he be involved in some mafia organization?

Feeling a weight on my shoulders, he forces me back to reality.

Tom was now stretched, his arm on the back of my seat. Our eyes crossed paths and his leg made contact with mine. Lili fuming eyes pointing at me, I lean over the table to avoid his arm for a while.

John winks at me and gives Tom a smile, while the other friend seemed unbothered by my existence.

Tom left the back of my chair and waved at the server, catching her attention.
"We are taking desserts to go."

Then he looked at his friends, saying. "We'll finish at my place. She has boxes to unpack. Otherwise, she will complain all evening."

"How considerate of you!" John winks at him with a smile.

My eyes roll.

They got into the apartment, commenting about the furniture and the colours. Annoyed to have them over, I went into my room.

The concierge took my boxes to my room, and I unpacked.

...

Blinking, an electricity wave moves across my face, and trails down to my neck. A masculine voice tells me there is food for me.

My head turns on my pillow just in time to see Tom leaving the room.

When I came out of the room, his friends were already leaving. John looks at me with a dumb smile before leaving.

I make a funny face back at him and walked to the table.

Munching on my dessert, curiosity was eating me up inside. Taking a last bite, I walk between Tom and the tv.

"Don't you have any friends anywhere waiting for you, aren't you supposed to be the King of the Part-ay?"

"I do, but I also have a child under my care." He grinned.

I blink, looking for a comeback.
"This child is almost 18, may I remind you! And Can fend for herself for a few hours."

"No," he cross his arms. "My place is here tonight."

Inhaling, my eyes close gathering my courage.
"Listen." My hands lifted in the air. "I need some time alone. I don't need you hovering around me all the time. Go out, have some FUN with your friends, and let me breathe." I ended by landing a hand on my chest.

"I have my orders." His voice was stern, telling me what I need to know. He wanted to go.

"Oh, isn't that cute? Baby boy has to listen to daddy's every order."

"You don't get it!" He added a hint of emotion crossed his features, but I just couldn't decipher what it was before it was gone.

"Ok!" I took a deep breath, lifting my arms in surrender. "I will stay right here in my golden cage, all prim and proper, and no one needs to know. My room will be my sanctuary." My hand moves to my heart and a solemn smile twitches my lips.

Since he remained silent, I winked at him." Go ahead. Raww... Make some hearts fall." I even pretended to claw the air to complete the theatrics, trying to soothe the air between us.

"With me, it's more than just hearts that fall." His lips curled to the side at the end of his statement.
Then he winked at me, he moved towards me, dazzling my mind.

Lifting my palm to my cheek, the heat told me it wasn't just my mind playing games with me.

"What got you all worked up like that?" He asked following my every move.

He bended next to me picking up his car keys on the middle table before turning on his heels, a chuckle escaped from him before getting to door.

Stunned by the scene, it took a moment for my brain to catch up.

"That gigolo and I'm acting like a damned teen!" scraping my head, I return to my bedroom, failing to erase the smile on my lips.

It's the first time I bicker with someone like that.

Lying flat on the floor, I grab a shoe box under the bed.

Placing my hand over the lid, I inhale , knowing the exact content of that box and the feelings that were about to burst, but I needed that.

Drawings by my little sister... My heart became heavy at the thought of her, making my airways jam.

I take a deep breath, worried about getting an asthma attack.

The drawing depicted my family, but in it was our dad. Julie made this drawing when she was 4. Making it impossible since she couldn't remember dad anymore. The oddest was the eyes. How did she know he had the same as mine? Since Mom got rid of all of my dad's pictures, how could she have known what colours to pick? This was a clue. Some of my memories were missing, and I wasn't the only one affected.

Unable to make sense of it, I keep digging in the box.

Picking up my diary, I flipped through the pages filled with details of my life since I turned 13. Many of them disappeared from my current memory. Something was ripped from me.

Today, in the secrecy of this journal, I add the latest events, including the dream, the missing pyjamas, and Tom's reaction after the club.

'Could he know something I don't?' I shake the ridiculous thought out of my head.

Then, I packed everything up and hid the box. My eyes filled with tears.

Images of my sister and brother, whom I cruelly miss, flooded my mind... I jumped into bed, already shuddered by hiccups.

I sneeze on a tissue, thinking about my mother. 'perhaps some details of our lives are missing in her mind also. But why? or how?'

Then I fell asleep, completely exhausted, surrounded by many used tissue papers.

After coming back from the darkness of my sleep, I heard Tom come back home. He barely made any noise, but it was as if some part of me wasn't truly sleeping. I was waiting for him.

He cracked open my bedroom door. With a smile, I fell into a deep, comfortable slumber.

'*•.•ஜீ☼۞☼ஜீ•.•*'
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'*•.•ஜீ☼۞☼ஜீ•.•*'

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