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Anxiety:

When you don't know what to expect,When you have no control,It takes hold of you,It prevents you from acting as you normally would.

Xoxo
MJ1
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Days go by, busy between my life as a human, my life as a mage, and my life as a wolf, struggling to find my balance between them. How do I put the broken pieces of my life back together? As if that weren't enough, sharing my thoughts with Leah isn't going well either. I can't find peace, not even in my dreams, which are filled with vivid memories that interrupt my sleep. The magic holding them back is fading, and with each dream I reclaim a new piece of my life and more power to tame. How much power do I have? Tom asked me to keep up appearances with Lina. I can't do more than two abilities because that's the norm, but I have more. Tom is trying to help me figure out the extent of my powers.

Unable to get back to sleep, I kick the covers off. It's too early to be getting ready for college. I pull up my protective dome, just in case, I can't wake Tom, he's sleep-deprived from being the one to wake me from my nightmares. A castle, shackles, people crying, this nightmare is the worst, but it's too irregular to make sense of it. Tom thinks Davon took me to where he was holding the villagers to use them for some experiments, but it's still just a guess.

I brush my teeth harder than necessary and scold myself when I spit blood into the sink. My wolf gene comes in handy to speed up the healing process from the many accidents I keep making. I'm such a mess. Philippe and Tom know about Leah, but I have to hide my magic from Phil. Although I want to avoid Phil and the constant stress, Tom wants me to train as much as possible and learn to live with Leah.

I wash my face with cold water, knowing that no medicine will help me through this. Groaning, I notice that my fingers are red. Winter is coming and the water is quite cold. Some days the soil Is iced. Turning off the water, I add soap to a rag and scrub my face as if I hadn't done it for a year. Then I rinse it.

At first I didn't want to train at all, until Tom explained that the Council could come and get me. They could even force me to go to boot camp. Phil would probably be the one to give the order if I failed to show control over my wolf.Washing my face mercilessly, I groan as a red scratch appears under my eyelid. Then I realize I've already washed my face. Mumbling incoherently, I rinse off the soap for a second time and return to my room to brush my hair.

On the plus side, I know more about Leah and what she's capable of. For now, I can only hold out the foolish hope that the magic or the wolf will go away, but I am losing hope. Why can't I have a normal life and fit in like everyone else? Why did it have to be me? When I scratch my arm, a hiss comes out of my mouth when a fingernail breaks where it shouldn't. I have been scratching my skin for weeks. The stress is driving me crazy.

I had hoped to get my powers under control and be accepted back into the family, but that too is turning to dust. My shoulders slump, I tap my chest quickly, my breathing returns to normal. I go to the closet and get undressed.

Today I woke up crying again in the middle of the night. Tom woke me up when he cast a spell to cover my magic. I damn well did magic in my sleep again. Tonight it was gentle magic, but when my dreams are messy, so is the magic, and Tom ends up with his hands full.

I return to the bathroom in my robe, make sure his bedroom door is locked, and take off the robe. The worst part isn't the magic leaking out of me, it's the fact that I sometimes turn into a werewolf in my sleep. Half human, half wolf, neither Leah nor I can control it. It's dangerous to be around me. I am deadly and I am afraid. I step into the shower and turn the cold water on full blast. It's so cold I can't breathe for a moment.

I'm a monster. I'm not human. How can I return to my old life? I am a burden! How can he sleep beside me? I could easily slice him, but he stays. A shiver runs through me and my teeth chatter in a rhythmic sound.

Tom wanted me to give up my human facade, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Even if it's an illusion, I want to believe that I can change my fate and get my family back. I need to know that our love wasn't fake. My toes ache, and I stop the shower and lean my head against the tiles on the wall.

Even though I keep calling and asking for my brother and sister, I still haven't spoken to them. Mom won't let me. She always has a good excuse for not going to see them or for them not coming here, leaving me to drown in grief.  Sitting on the floor, I raise my hand above my head, ready to make it all go away, and open the cold knob on the main shower. A groan comes from my clenched jaw as the icy water hits my head.

Thanksgiving is over, I didn't get to see my family, but I wasn't alone. Tom was with me while everyone was with their loved ones. It's cold, but not enough as my mind won't stop bringing up my insecurities. I'm afraid Christmas will be the same. I wonder how I will cope. My teeth are chattering uncontrollably, but I'm holding myself together under the cold water.

Every time I hang up, the pain overwhelms me, so I call Phil and go into the woods. The training is satisfying in these moments. Finally, I turn the knob and bring the temperature up to normal.Tom sometimes takes care of these training sessions. He tries to get me to do spells in wolf form. Filled with emotion, my magic is stronger these days. The reality is that I rarely manage to bend magic to my will. The magic overwhelms me and scares me. I'm a slave to my emotions and afraid of myself. My skin burns from the change in temperature and my muscles relax.

I miss Lina, she hasn't trained me since Tom replaced her. He also taught me how to block my mind to avoid her interference because she's pretty good at it, so I had to avoid her for a while. Eventually she left the school and was sent on another mission. Finally, I wash because my skin is starting to wrinkle.

It's just me and Tom now, all the time. In a way I'm glad he's there for me, his presence makes my emotions more bearable than I'd like to admit. On the plus side, I'm working now. I didn't even wait for the interview, the secretary asked me for my documents and told me I didn't have to wait until after the interview. I wrap a towel around my hair and dry myself.

The knowledge I'd acquired in the libraries was a great help, and the feeling of gratitude and pride filled my days with happiness until I discovered that Lina was also working there.Once again dressed in my bathrobe, I went to the dressing room.

My curiosity piqued, I rummaged through the files and discovered that this was indeed a board-supervised agency. My job is to organize the files of members of the supernatural community, stacking them in sections.

Regardless of their race, they have a file, an age, an occupation, a salary, and family members. Once a year they have to come to the clinic for a check-up, which is a loyalty check. It's crazy! At first I thought it was random, but it's not. Every adult is examined at some point.

Some are taken to a special clinic in a state of crisis, strapped to a gurney. Tom says they'll probably be sent to the reprogramming section. No one cares if they die. What's worse, Ma used Tom's father to get me the job, because normally it's complicated to get in. But why me Everything there makes me realize that I'm not free, freedom is just a dream from a human point of view. Nobody is, we're all just pawns on a chessboard. Tom tells me I can change things, but I'm just a girl about to turn 18.

When I untangle my bronze curls, a bunch comes out. The strangest thing is that the new hair that is growing is paler, blonder, as if the wolf is claiming my human body.Should I join the resistance? That's what Tom wants me to do. But why should I? 

Why should I? Would I risk losing my family forever? 

Mom, Julie and Luc, they're everything to me. They are all I have, even if they don't want me right now.  Without looking at the time on my watch, I made my way to the kitchen. Determined, I open the refrigerator. Eggs and old French fries. That's enough.

Tom POV
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I look at my watch and do a quick calculation: I have to wait another thirty minutes before I can pick Annie up from work.

Drying my sweaty brow, I return to the treadmill. Once again, her image haunts my mind. Every time I'm not with her, it's the same. I'd like to think she's my girlfriend, but that seems impossible since she doesn't seem to experience the longing I feel. She confuses my senses and fills my mind with a desire for her touch. Clenching my jaw and biting the inside of my cheek, I set my desires aside. I can't pursue her to satisfy my desires when she's in such a precarious situation. She is standing tall, but deep down I know that she is only holding on to her strong will to be reunited with her family. This bond is beyond my imagination, a bond I never thought could exist.

She's amazing and she's learning faster than the usual trainees. I know that I have been called to train different groups over the past few years. Some of the trainees were only there for a couple of weekends. They weren't that strong, but they needed help to fully control their powers. They were undesirable to the Council. The "Summer Academy" trainees were the most interesting and the worst. A few would go on to fill various positions in the Council, and the others would have learned to deal with their powers the hard way, being used as living targets to test their limits while the strongest learned to find ways to inflict pain. So far, no one has died, but many have been treated and suffered from PTSD.

I drink some water.

It's a necessity. A magical being sends out waves and vibrations, and we need to seal those imprints in order to hide effectively in the human world. To do this, agents conduct random surveillance in search of magical variations. If they are caught, they are taken to various facilities. Like the one Annie works for. As the program speeds up, so does my pace.

The 3d time they are caught, their identities disappear, they are relocated, their memories are altered, and if they survive, their powers are neutralized. Maybe Annie's family was taken for this purpose. Her father may have done it to them.  As I increase the incline on the treadmill, my muscles ache as they adjust to the new position.

The result of such an invasive procedure, all magic is killed inside the host, making them human without their consent. I take a deep breath, concentrating on my breathing since I've sped up the pace. I tried to explain as much as I could to Annie when she came back. By the way, her being in the clinic worries me. How much does my dad know about Annie? Is it a warning, a way to keep an eye on her and me, or both?

Slowing the speed with the controls, I am able to breathe again. I know what is coming, the supernatural is coming to an end in the land of men. One by one we were hunted down by Davon and the Council. Those who are left are living human lives and have lost their powers, and the others are just being saved for a little longer until they make a mistake. All I want to do now is protect her. She risks her life every time she sleeps. My heart races at the thought. I've become protective and territorial around her. I have to take her away. She needs to train for that. Tonight she will meet Phil again and I hate it, but it's inevitable. I am not a wolf.

As I increase the incline and speed of the treadmill for a second lap, my breathing becomes erratic for a second, but I quickly adjust to the rhythm. Am I jealous of Phil? Maybe. We spend so much time together. Unusually, I find myself sending him texts or photos during the day when we're apart. They make me feel like a stupid teenager, so much so that I have to talk myself into deleting them. I sight.

Her nightmares may be a curse to her, but not to me. She hates to admit that she needs help, MY help, and I am more than willing to help. I would do anything she asks. These nights are a blessing, I can hold her in my arms and satisfy my need to hold her. It's time for my sprint. I push myself to the limit. A minute of high incline followed by a minute of low incline, doubling the speed each time. "I am getting stronger, the time will come when I have to protect her and I will be ready. I keep this thought in my head until I feel my lungs burning and my head getting dizzy. Out of breath, I slow down one step at a time, my body adapting rather quickly even for a wizard. Yes, I need to be in shape for what lies ahead.

Sitting at the end of the treadmill, I wipe my face and neck and drink water. Although she has been in an unbearable dilemma, she has managed to keep up with her activities. She is so strong. When I learned about the supernatural, I didn't react so well. I was kept in the dark until my mother died. I sadly thought that I was also human. My mother was the one who protected me from the supernatural world, but once she was gone, everything changed. My happy life ended with her departure. Every day I try to do better for her, I want to keep my human soul."Annie, how can I tell you what you need to know without breaking you more?" There is so much more she needs to learn, but first I must help her find a new anchor. I can't tell her otherwise without breaking her soul. The scratches I've seen are proof enough that she's suffering inside. She needs to feel loved.

I leave the cardio area and head to the weights. Love. The man destined to be her mate is lucky, and my heart will break when she does, for my heart is hers to keep. She has a mate somewhere in this realm or the other, but until then I am ready to be whatever she wants me to be. Who knew I was such a romantic!

I tie my ankles to the weights and add 80 kilos to each of them. People look at me, but I don't care, they've been looking for a while. I work like an athlete destined to win the next Olympics. I step away from the machine and feel the pressure of the weight pressing my feet to the floor. I do a left kick, keeping my balance, followed by a right kick. Amazement is written all over the faces of the group.

She's getting better at every level. I have to level up too. I can't fall behind. I have to be stronger physically, mentally, and magically. I have to keep up with her. Otherwise, I might not be of any use anymore. I stop and stretch my muscles.

This training is a means to an end, I'd die if I had to be the damsel in distress in the near future. She's so strong, she's the one. If only I could convince her to drop everything and come with me, no questions asked. Quietly, word spreads. The one we have been waiting for has arrived. They are gathering, crossing the borders between realms. The battle will begin the moment she accepts her fate.

I untie my ankles and walk to the weight bars. People no longer stare at me, but keep their eyes on the other side of the mirror. My body may be strong, but I don't look it, which surprises everyone. As I take the weight from each side of the bar, the men around me sit up and stare at me. 

The resistance has sent me a message in a coded language. I will have everything I dreamed of, but Annie needs a reason. A year and a half is all I have left before my 21th birthday. That day my memory will be taken from me unless I run away and join the resistance for good.  But, what would be the point of leaving everything behind without a solid plan? She needs to face reality, for my sake, for everyone's sake. She is the plan.

I put everything back in place, then wipe my face and neck. It's time to stretch, and I'm done.Looking at the clock, my lips curl, it's time.

Anxiety sweeps through my body, I can't wait to see her.

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