♡ they said marriages brought nothing but happiness... ♡

pairing: jeno + jaemin

genre: severe angst

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they said marriages brought nothing but happiness, and jaemin couldn't disagree with that. not when he was walking down the aisle, his arm liked with his father's as he approached the man he had agreed to marry a few months ago: lee jeno. the man was standing down the aisle, as elegant as ever in his black tuxedo, his back straight and his smile contagious as he looked at jaemin approaching him.

from the first time he had seen him at their high school, jaemin had been obsessed with jeno's looks, and this obsession had never died down with time. at some point in his life, jaemin's main activity was to observe the male he was too scared of approaching. until one day, the unexpected had happened: jeno noticed him and came to talk to him.

call it love at first sight, but it took only a hundred of text messages and a few days for them to get in a relationship. and several months later, as it seemed like their relationship couldn't get any better, jeno had asked jaemin's hand, and the younger had happily said yes. and now, months later, here they were, minutes away from the traditional 'i do' that would unite them both for life.

after what felt like hours, jaemin left his father's side, taking a few steps towards his fiancé whose heart was probably beating as fast as jaemin's was.

the priest recited a few words as jaemin and jeno looked into each other's eyes, their hearts racing and their lips curved-up in bright smiles. and finally came the vows.

"na jaemin." the priest called, making the younger of the two turn around. "do you promise to be lee jeno's husband, to have and hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until you are parted by death."

there was no ounce of hesitation in the boy's voice as he said: "i do."

the priest then faced jeno, reciting the exact same words. "lee jeno. do you promise to be lee jaemin's husband, to have and hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until you are parted by death."

a smile decorated jeno's face. "i do."

a few seconds later, both boys put on each other the rings, their fingers trembling in anticipation as they realised how powerful the meaning of this little act was.

"then, i declare you both united by the bonds of matrimony." the priest stated as the two newly-weds looked into each other's eyes, their hands interlocked as if they were the only people remaining in the world. "you may kiss each other."

and with these last words, the crowd cheered as jeno and jaemin took a step forward, locking their lips in their first kiss as husbands.

and so, they were right. marriages brought nothing but happiness.

♡

they said marriages brought nothing but happiness, but jaemin somehow realised that it wasn't systematic.

for most people, weddings were the beginning of a new and happy life, and it was the case for jeno and jaemin. they bought themselves a house in a nice city, found themselves jobs they loved, and spent all of their free time together, doing couple activities or simply having unprotected loving sex. and just like many married people, came the time when jaemin started feeling weak and sick in the morning, most of the time emptying the content of his stomach in the toilet as soon as he was up.

both jeno and jaemin were ecstatic when the younger took a pregnancy test and when it revealed to be positive. everything seemed to go perfectly. they were married, they lived the perfect life, and now, they would have a child, symbol of their loving union.

the next few weeks had been at the same time one of the best weeks of their lives and one of the worst. on the one hand, jeno and jaemin were obviously happier than ever, already planning ahead their future, looking for a name for their baby, and searching for the future colour of his room. but on the other hand, jaemin's constant mood swings made them little by little tired of each other, and his aching body was making it harder for the pregnant male to live his life normally, thus causing him to stumble, fall and hurt himself more frequently.

but in the end, did this really matter? these 9 months of gestation may not be as beautiful as everyone indented them to be, but they would end with the birth of a new individual, a baby made from their love. and what if a few hard months was the price to pay before being able to live the best years of your life? right, it shouldn't matter, and both jaemin and jeno agreed with that; the next few months may be hell, but they would end up in the discovery of heaven, and the price to pay was worth it.

hell didn't last too long for jeno and jaemin. only three months after the discovery of jaemin's pregnancy, everything came to an end for both parents as the doctor announced the death of the foetus that had been growing in jaemin's tummy.

hell was something, but discovering that the being you created wasn't part of this world anymore was something else, something that no one deserved to live, and yet, it happened, and left both parents heartbroken and depressed.

and so, they were wrong. marriages didn't only bring happiness. they could also bring ups and downs, miscarriages and depression.

♡

they said marriages brought nothing but happiness, but jaemin started to believe that it wasn't true.

as time went on, jaemin's state didn't get much better. the loss of his child had left him with a constant pain in the heart that didn't seem to disappear as he continued with his life.

jeno wasn't much better either, and even if he hadn't been the one to bear the child, his being was impacted as well by the loss, and this could mostly be felt in his actions and reactions towards jaemin.

"you killed our child..."

jaemin's eyes had oepned as wide as saucers when these words left jeno's mouth for the first time. he certainly never expected to hear something like this. he wasn't responsible for their child's death. miscarriage was something frequent, it could happen to anyone. he hadn't killed their child; he would never have wanted to hurt him. it just happened.

"i-i... j-jeno?" jaemin stammered, not believing what had gotten out of his husband's mouth.

"y-you killed t-them..." jeno repeated, less assured this time as tears rolled down his cheeks.

"n-no, i didn't. i-it happens sometimes... i-it's not my fault..." jaemin replied immediately, trying to sound as confident as he could. was it really not his fault? or was he trying to convince him it wasn't?

"y-you deprived me f-from my child..." jeno continued, more tears leaving his eyes as his brows furrowed, sadness slowly leaving space to anger within him.

"i-i... i h-had a miscarriage..." jaemin tried his best not to stutter. "i-it doesn't mean w-we won't b-be able to have one a-anymore..."

"then let's make another one." jeno spoke loud and clear, causing a lump to form in jaemin's throat.

the younger male looked up at his husband, his heart beating fast and his breathing starting to hurt him. another child? did jeno wanted them to try it again? a few weeks only after losing their baby? jeno wanted jaemin to be pregnant again? to carry his child again? and to risk having another miscarriage?

there was no way this would happen. jaemin didn't want to go through that again. he wasn't sure he ever will, actually. the weight of a first loss was too heavy for him to try again.

"a-another o-one...?" jaemin tried his best not to burst out in tears at jeno's suggestion. he couldn't do it. he wouldn't be able to do it.

"yes. let's have another baby." jeno repeated, his voice full of assurance and determination.

jaemin trembled under his gaze, his body reacting in all sorts of way to the sudden news. "b-but..."

"to replace the one that you killed..." jeno continued, taking a step closer to his husband, and taking jaemin's hands in his.

"n-no... i-i... i-i can't..." the boy replied truthfully, completely overwhelmed by his emotions.

"j-jaemin..." jeno spoke, his voice almost breaking. "i-i was so hurt... i-it hurt me so much... i need to compensate the pain... i need a child to compensate my pain. i need our child..." he continued, looking into jaemin's eyes.

jaemin didn't answer. he simply looked into jeno's eyes; his mind clear on the answer.

he couldn't get pregnant again. he couldn't risk losing another child.

it was too dangerous for him and his sanity. he couldn't do that.

"jaemin... do you want me to remain sad and depressed? do you not want me to be happy again, with a child and a husband...?" jeno asked again, his grip on jaemin's hands tightening.

"i-it's not that... i-i... i c-can't risk i-it again... i-i'm not sure i can r-recover from it another time..."

a small scoff left jeno's lips as jaemin's words. "a-are you that selfish...? you don't want my happiness because you're scared it could compromise yours...?" he asked slowly, biting his lips from time to time not to burst out in tears himself. "d-do you not want to make up for killing our child by allowing us to have another one...? we had promised to make each other happy when we got married... but you're preventing me to be happy by refusing to do what i need the most..."

jaemin stayed frozen on his spot, his thoughts being a complete mess.

perhaps that jeno was right... maybe jaemin did kill their child. and by killing their child, he had broken jeno to the core. and it was certain that jeno, his dear husband, the love of his life, didn't deserve such a thing.

but now, jaemin prevented him from being happy. and for what? just because he was scared something bad could happen again. but miscarriages weren't systematic. jaemin had to try again and make jeno happy.

this was what husbands were supposed to do, right?

"i-i'm sorry, jeno... i love you..." jaemin voiced out, letting his body lean against jeno as the older boy pulled him in a hug. "please, don't hate me... i-i... i think we need to try again... m-make me pregnant again..."he finished, his heart hurting more than it ever had as he made the biggest concession of his life, just for the sake of his husband's happiness.

and so, they were wrong. marriages didn't only bring happiness. they could also bring lies and heart-breaking compromises.

♡

they said marriages brought nothing but happiness, but jaemin realised that it was false.

almost one year had passed since jaemin had accepted to try having a child again. one year of vain efforts, because even with him and jeno having unprotected sex almost every day, nothing happened.

was it that jaemin's body knew that it wasn't reasonable to have a child now? was it that his body refused to cooperate and hurt him again? or was it just that his body was being selfish?

jaemin had no idea, and it was no secret that eh kept suffering from it, day after day.

the once passionate love making between jeno and jaemin had now transformed into rough and violent sex. every ounce of desire and love that was supposed to be held in sexual intercourse between loving husbands had disappeared, leaving their place to relentlessness and soreness.

jaemin's body ached from head to toe, and his skin was littered with purplish bruises. these once used to be hickeys, made under the influence of love and lust. but now, they were only traces of jeno's strong hands that gripped his flesh a bit too hard in his endless determination to make the younger pregnant. but after one year, still nothing had happened.

the two boys had to wait one year and a half after the miscarriage for the symptoms of pregnancy to appear again on jaemin. and one pregnancy test later, they were both happy to see that it was positive, however, not for the same reasons.

jeno was ecstatic that he would finally have the child he wanted, and have a compensation for the awful loss he had lived more than a year ago.

jaemin was just glad that this endless torture would come to an end, and that he won't be force to have sex every day and every night anymore.

but he may have spoken too fast...

pregnancy symptoms hit him hard, harder than last time, not only making his mood swings even worse than before, but also causing his body to ache constantly, whatever he was doing. and if he believed that jeno would be there for him to help, then he was the biggest fool out there.

jeno was here, a bit too much actually. stressed by the previous miscarriage, jeno was constantly monitoring jaemin's every move, selecting whatever he ate, or following him wherever he went. and if that wasn't enough, the forceful sex sessions didn't stop, because jeno had gotten so used to having sex almost twice a day every day for one year that his body missed it and wished for more.

when jaemin reached his seventh month of pregnancy, he was aware that this wasn't livable anymore. he couldn't keep living as if nothing mattered when the baby growing inside of him made his body hurt, and as his supposedly loving husband abused him.

some part of him wanted to leave everything behind and run away from his problems. but he was aware that this wouldn't be possible. not when jeno was constantly on his heels, and not when his body didn't allow him to travel ten metres before needing to catch his breath and have a sit.

he was locked in a place where he didn't feel safe anymore, with a body he couldn't bear anymore, and with someone he regretted marrying. but he couldn't do anything about it except hoping that his suffering would one day come to an end.

and so, they were wrong. marriages didn't only bring happiness. they also brought abuse, regrets and endless pain.

♡

they said marriages brought nothing but happiness, and jaemin had perhaps regained a bit of hope.

everything had started on a normal thursday night, while jaemin was applying ointment on his fading bruises just like every night. he was approaching his 9th month of bearing his child, and his body had never felt so tired and sore in his whole life. this day should have been the day in his whole life – or perhaps the second best if he considered getting married to jeno the first – but in fact, it could be considered as one of the worst days he had ever lived.

so, on that thursday night, while jeno was still at work, jaemin had started suffering with cramps, very painful cramps that he couldn't fight against. the pain had become so unbearable that jaemin had decided to go to the hospital on his own, driving himself the more carefully he could while forcing himself not to faint because of pain.

he had managed to reach the hospital after what felt like ages for him, stumbling at the reception with tears rolling down his cheeks and his limbs sorer than they had ever been. unfortunately, he had fainted before any word could slip past his lips.

as soon as his eyes had fluttered open, jaemin had noticed the presence of his husband by his side, with something in his arms.

"sir, your husband has woken up." a voice declared, resonating in jaemin's ears.

and that's when he had noticed the baby in jeno's arms.

"jaemin!" jeno exclaimed, his eyes turning into crescents as he looked at the love of his life and the father to his child. "oh my god, jaemin! we did it! we have a child!"

tears cascaded down jaemin's cheeks as he tried moving his arms up to get closer to jeno and their child. his body was completely sore and he felt so exhausted.

understanding what jaemin wanted, jeno leant forwards, placing the baby on top of jaemin's chest. with all of the force he could gather, jaemin's arms wrapped delicately around the frail body of his baby. he exhaled slowly, closing his eyes as more tears rolled down his cheeks.

"it's a baby boy, jaemin. mino, just like we decided." jeno spoke, not being able to contain his joy as his hand came to caress jaemin's hair.

jaemin smiled brightly at thatn leaning into his husband's touch while holding onto their son.

they had finally made it. after nine months of suffering, he had given birth to his and jeno's beautiful son, and now, him, jeno and mino would live happily together and forever.

and so, maybe they were right. marriages brought nothing but happiness.

♡

they said marriages brought nothing but happiness, but jaemin knew they didn't.

one week after giving birth to mino, jaemin's body was still completely sore and tired.

the doctors had said it was normal, and that he would start feeling better in one to two weeks.

two weeks after giving birth to mino, nothing had changed.

but it was fine, because he still had one week to wait until everything would have gotten back to normal.

three weeks after giving birth to mino, things were even worse.

jaemin felt completely weak and powerless. it seemed like his body couldn't do anything anymore. his muscles felt as if they were getting drained of their blood, and his energy was being sucked out of his body.

if jaemin had taken care of minho as much as he could the first two weeks after his birth, he couldn't do it anymore, and he left that task to jeno. his husband didn't mind. actually, for these past weeks, the only thing he had been talking and thinking about was mino, their son. it seemed like mino had earned all of the love and attention that jeno once gave jaemin.

four weeks after giving birth to mino, jaemin felt like he couldn't do it anymore.

everything became hard for jaemin. he could barely walk anymore, and taking care of his son was worse than torture, even though it should be for him the best moment of his life. something was obviously wrong, but jeno was too preoccupied by their son to realise that this wasn't the normal state jaemin should be in. ask him, and he would answer that jaemin had been like that for the past nine months. but if only he paid attention to his husband more...

five weeks after giving birth to mino, jaemin was driven to the hospital.

this time, he wasn't the one to drive the car. jeno wasn't either. he was in an ambulance that had been called by one of the neighbours that had come around to congratulate jaemin and who had witnessed the pale white boy fainting.

the only thing he recalled from there was his eyes fluttering open, falling on a group of men and women dressed in green and white gowns and wearing chirurgical masks.

"he's alive. he's waking up!" a voice had rung through his ears, hurting him more than it should.

he was hurting, he wanted to scream, to lessen his pain and to stop his suffering. but at that point, it seemed like nothing could help.

jaemin tried as hard as he could. he forced himself to keep his eyes open, to keep his breathing steady and to keep himself alive. but he couldn't. the pain was too high and too unbreable.

"...j-je...no..." he breathed out. "...m-mi...no..."

and after these last words, jaemin doesn't recall what happened.

and so, they were wrong. marriages didn't bring happiness. they brought pain.

♡

they said marriages brought nothing but happiness, and jeno understood they were wrong the moment he got a call from the mortuary services announcing the death of his husband.

in the next few minutes, jeno was at the hospital, mino in his arms, following the person that would bring him to his deceased husband's room.

the wave of shock was unbreable when jeno walked into the room, seeing the pale and hollow face of his husband, sleeping for eternity.

jeno approached him, placing mino on the bed, right by jaemin's side as fresh tears escaped his eyes.

in front of his eyes flashed everything he had lived with jaemin. all of those amazing moments that had made him believe that marriages brought nothing but happiness.

their marriage... their loving life... jaemin's first pregnancy, which hadn't ended well... their constant love-making to make another baby... and in the past weeks, the birth of their son...

but now, something had made happiness disappear from their lives, and as he looked at his deceased husband and their son trying to wake him up in vain, jeno realised what was the cause of all of this...

"you killed my husband..." he spoke, his eyes not leaving the baby boy that couldn't understand anything of what was happening.

they said marriages brought nothing but happiness, but in fact, this one had brought a miscarriage, an abusive relationship, violence, regret and a death. so, no. marriages did bring everything but happiness. 

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thank you @sayyedsisters for requesting this one shot!

not gonna lie, it was very hard and painful to write, and i believe it was hard to read as well...