Bill ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a custom made scale replica of his wife's vagina.

On the day it was due to be delivered he sat anxiously at the window, waiting for the postman. After what felt like forever, he came struggling down the path with a big tatty box in his hands - all dented and the flaps torn, blowing around in the breeze.

He shook his head at the postman. "I thought they would've at least fecking wrapped it."