A Perfect Day (supplied by a Facebook friend)

Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale

9:30 Light Breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs

3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00 Make love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

Him

6:45 Alarm.

7:00 Shower and massage.

7:30 Blowjob.

7:45 Massive dump while reading newspaper sports section.

8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.

8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.

9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.

12:30 Blowjob.

12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.

3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.

6:15 Blowjob.

6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.

7:30 Shit, shower, shave.

8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).

9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero

10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries

11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep