It was mid-day when Calli sat at the window looking out at the ocean, this always helped sooth her and soothing was what she needed.  She opened the window and let the salty breeze flow over her, breathing it in and letting all thoughts of sadness escape her.

She closed her eyes letting herself go with the breeze, letting her senses take over.  Her arms opened as if ready to embrace whatever was coming her way and for a few moments she was free!  This kind of freedom was unfortunately not something she could allow herself too often.  She needed to focus, to stay in control… she couldn’t let her needs re-surface and take control of her every waking thought.

She opened her eyes and breathing slowly re-gained control.  She closed the window and headed for the door thinking a walk along the beach would clear her mind and help ground her again.  This scene had played out so many times recently that it almost seemed to be ritual; a ritual she could well do without.

As she walked down to the beach Calli’s thoughts wondered back to why she was feeling so sad.  Her need to be loved was strong, but her need to be able to love someone completely was even stronger.  She had fallen for men in the past and as much as she wanted it to be the real thing, each time the relationship had fallen apart.  They each wanted different things, or expected her to give up everything for their relationship while he coasted along expecting her to hold it all together.

When things ended, she’d give herself a stern talking to… “Never again,” she’d tell herself, “I won’t ever trust someone like that again.” but inevitably she would.  Each time she would hope she’d found the real thing, she would be wary at first as she didn’t want to get hurt again.  But her need for love was so strong that in the end she’d let go the wariness and hope it would work out for the best.

This last time had been the final straw, Calli had trod so carefully with him, not wanting to get too close or too attached.  She wanted to get to know him and see if what she was beginning to feel for him was mutual.  Him telling her she could call anytime didn’t help, as this gave her the impression all was well between them.  If anything looking back she now realised that she had been played; reeled in… and she had been an easy catch!

Calli had begun to trust him, to open up to him, but unfortunately he wanted more than her, he wanted other women… an open relationship he had called it.   He was free and didn’t want any kind of real commitment with anyone.  Being told she was ‘high maintenance’ let her know exactly where she stood with him; it was his way of saying she wasn’t wanted and that she had served her purpose for him.

She had let this man into her life based on how she felt about him and how he’d led her to believe he had felt about her. And when he tired of her he made her believe she was worthless, no longer wanted or needed.  This cut to the very core of her inner most being and the pain it inflicted produced a gapping hole from which her very life-force seemed to be slowly escaping.

Never before had she felt so much pain, loss and self-loathing.  Calli had been so distraught that she believed what he’d said, that she was indeed worthless.  Something closed off deep inside her that day and this time she knew no one would ever hurt her again; this would be the last time.

Trust was not something Calli gave easily and she knew she would never again give her trust or love to anyone.  Love was something she no longer believed in, it was now a myth, a fairytale, a story for children who were willing to believe in the unbelievable.

Over and over she told herself, “Never again, I won’t ever trust again, I am better off without love” and “no one is worth this kind of pain, not when they end up throwing it back in your face.”  So now it seemed that Calli had given up on love completely. 

She would never again let a man make her feel like she was nothing, worthless, something to be tossed aside when he tired of her or because he thought she was too much hard work.  To be honest she didn’t know if she could survive it all again.  Her sense of self-worth had taken such a beating that this time she had given in to it; this time she didn’t fight back… she accepted it as inevitable.  She walked away from him knowing nothing but pain and loss and hurt.

Calli walked the length of the beach that day and then sat on the rocks off the point looking out to sea.  She wondered what it would be like to be out there alone, under the water without a care in the world swimming anywhere she wanted to, feeling as one with her surroundings.

Eventually she got up and started walking back up the beach towards the little cottage she now called home.  As she looked ahead she saw something in the sand that she hadn’t noticed earlier.  She walked towards it wondering what it could be and when she reached it she sat in the sand and stared at it in wonder… “A conch shell!”  She said, “How on earth did a conch shell find its way here?”

She picked it up and turned it over in her hands, it looked like it had been in the water for some time, but it also looked like it was in one piece, no cracks or chips at all.  She sat holding the conch shell and looking out to sea when it occurred to her that she was just like this conch.  She too was an empty shell!  She inspected the shell closely and as she did so the words to an old poem she had once read came to her.

Naught But a Shell!

Fear seeps in soaking up all that is good within

Doubt and helplessness takes hold

Immersing the senses, blinding the light

Pain is the only emotion now felt

Unending pain and loneliness

Fear overpowers, consuming the soul

Stealing happiness away

Disintegrating all hope

Destroying the individual

Leaving naught but a shell

Naught but emptiness

For all the world to see

The darkness finally engulfs

Dissolving – hollowing – creating –

And leaving

Naught but a Shell

She had no idea how long she sat there, the words of the poem running through her mind, but when she stood to return home the light was fading and she began to shiver with cold.  She rubbed her arms and began walking back the way she had come; she’d be returning to a cold empty house so didn’t rush.  She was almost afraid of being enclosed in its stillness and when she arrived outside her home, she hesitated not wanting to go in.

She turned toward the ocean once more, the conch still in her hand wondering what it would be like to be part the sea.  She stood alone watching the water as it moved in to the shore line and receded.  She watched the clouds overhead as the breeze brushed them past, then suddenly she feel a knot deep inside her gut, a knot that began to move upward, a knot that became increasingly painful.

It was as if her body was trying to purge something distasteful.  She held her stomach and tried to breathe, but the knot constricted her breathing and when it finally escaped, it wasn’t what she had expected at all.  Her mouth opened to release the knot and what emerged was a long painful howl!  A howl so long and mournful all else seemed to go quiet in its wake.

It was as if every hurt, every painful memory that she’d pushed aside or hidden in the back of her memory had gathered together pushing to the surface and escaped all at once.  Her throat hurt and before she knew it she was sobbing, not the quiet sobs of a woman in control, but the loud deep mournful sobs of someone broken and maimed.

It was then that she truly knew she was broken, empty and completely gutted! All thoughts, knowledge and need for love and compassion had left her.  She was now merely a shell of her former self and as she stood there she had no idea what to do next.

Her body involuntarily collapsed onto the sand and she sat staring out to sea sobbing, the conch still in her hand.  At first she felt nothing of her surroundings, but as time passed the cool afternoon air turned to cold night air and she half thought she should go inside and get warm… but she couldn’t move.  Her body refused to function. 

Eventually she no longer felt the cold at all, it had subsided or at least that’s what her mind told her.  In reality her body had become numb with cold, knowing nothing now except the turmoil within.  Surprisingly she accepted this as part of how things were meant to be and sat on feeling… nothing!

Minutes past and soon hours, it wasn’t long before the sun began to rise and still she sat, looking out to sea.  Early morning walkers began to pass her way, as they came near they assumed she was taking a rest from her own walk and kept moving.

Several more people passed assuming the same, then Max one of her neighbour’s saw her, his Labrador Chase rushing ahead and nudging her with his nose.  When she didn’t respond to Chase’s nudges, he knew something was amiss and ran towards her.

She was pale with cold, so he took off his jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders.  He wasn’t sure if she was asleep or not and shook her gently, but when she didn’t respond he shook her more vigorously.

Again there was no response, so he picked her up and carried her to her cottage.  Thankfully she hadn’t locked it and he carried her straight into the bedroom and put her under the covers.  He raced to the kitchen, put the kettle on to make tea and put both the wheat bags that were on the bench near the pantry into the microwave to heat.

All the while he called out to her, speaking to her gently, letting her know he was there and that she wasn’t alone.  She didn’t respond to his words, but he kept on with them, hoping that they would break through the barrier that she had built around herself.

When the microwave sounded, Max retrieved the wheat bags and placed them both under the covers with her, moving them every few minutes so he could warm up the entire area around where she lay.  He heard the kettle cut off and went out to make a pot of tea then returned with a teapot and cups on a tray, putting it on the dresser.

He took her hands one at a time and rubbed them to get the circulation going.  He didn’t know her well, but Chase would often run off and spend time with her and he was usually a pretty good judge of character, which was good enough for Max.  He’d only had a few conversations with her, nothing more than neighbourly chat, but had enjoyed what little time they had spent this way.  He often saw her in the early mornings or the late afternoons walking on the beach, he’d give her a wave and Chase would take off after her and walk with her for a while.

He knew she had been upset about something the past few days, but thought she’d shake it off.  Now he found himself wondering if he’d taken the time to get to know her better, then perhaps he could have helped prevent her being in this condition now.

His brow was furrowed, he was getting really worried, as he couldn’t seem to get her to warm up, so he did the only thing he could think of, he kicked off his shoes and climbed into bed with her.  All the while he spoke softly to her, telling her what he was doing and why, he didn’t want her to come too and think he was taking advantage of her.  He was hoping his body heat would warm her up, so he snuggled down into the bed and held her close.  He rubbed her arms and her hands at intervals and eventually felt some warmth returning to her.

He looked at her face and smiled; she had opened her eyes and was looking at him slightly confused.  He brushed a strand of hair off her face with his finger and spoke to her again, explaining what he was doing in bed with her.  She nodded acknowledgement and closed her eyes again.

He got out of bed and poured tea for them both putting two spoons of sugar in hers as he’d heard it would help if a person was in shock.  Max shook her softly and told her he wanted her to drink the tea to help warm her inside and she obliged.  He held her as she drank and gave a sigh of relief when he realized that she was going to be alright.

He stayed with her until she fell into a deep sleep, and then went to the kitchen and had a look at what was in the fridge and pantry.  He discovered the fixing for a vegetable soup and set to work.  He knew that soon enough they would both need food and he also wanted to stay busy while she slept.

He watched the sun move across the sky and as midday settled in he decided to sample his soup, it was hot and filling, both of which he needed right then.  He checked in on her as the afternoon passed and even though he knew she needed to eat, he let her sleep as he figured she needed rest more.  There would be time enough for sustenance when she woke.

He looked around for Chase and discovered that he was in the bedroom lying near the bed.  It was then that Max realised Chase hadn’t left her bedside since he put her there; it was as if he knew things weren’t right and he didn’t want to leave her.

Max smiled down at his friend and turned towards the kitchen again.  He turned off the soup and decided to put his head down on the couch for a bit, he knew that Chase would let him know when she woke.

He must have been out for at least two hours when he felt the cold wetness of Chase’s nose nudging him.  He patted his friend and said, “I’m guessing our little friend is awake?  Thank you for keeping a safe eye on her.”  Then he got up off the couch and headed for the bedroom with Chase trailing after him.

A smile broke across his face as he entered the room, she was indeed awake and the colour had returned to her face as well.  He sat on the side of the bed and reached out taking her hand.  “How are you feeling?” He asked.  Then laughed and said, “No need to answer right now, I can see that you are looking a great deal better than you were.  I took the liberty of making a pot of soup, it’s been some time now since you’ve eaten and you need to build up your strength again.”

She looked up at Max and smiled softly saying, “Thank you for your kindness Max”.  She sat up then and tried to get her head around what had happened.  Max grabbed a shawl off the back of the chair near the dresser and draped it around her shoulders to keep the cold at bay.  She nodded her thanks and pulled the shawl closer.

Max walked towards the doorway saying he’d be back shortly with some hot soup for them both and left her alone with her thoughts.  She wasn’t exactly sure what had happened and to be honest was still feeling a little too vulnerable to push herself to remember.  At that moment Chase lifted his head and rested it on the bed where she could reach him.

She patted his head and relaxed a little, knowing that she was safe and cared for.  Chase stayed by her side until Max returned with soup for them both and telling Chase there was a bowl cooling for him in the kitchen.  Chase murmured (in a doggy way) and retreated from the bed giving Max room to maneuver with the tray he was carrying.

He offered to hold the bowl and even feed her if she didn’t feel strong enough, but Calli let out a small laugh and said she was quite able to feed herself… but thanked him for the offer.  The soup went down a treat and they soon realised that Chase had disappeared into the kitchen to try some for himself.

Max and Chase stayed with her all that day and through the night.  He tended to her needs not once asking what had happened or why.  This sat really well with Calli, as she wasn’t ready or even able to answer any questions yet.  She let Max fuss over her and smiled when ever Chase came over for a pat and eventually moved over in the bed and coaxed Chase onto the bed next to her.

Max had been doing something in the kitchen and when he returned was surprised to see the both of them asleep.  Chase looked right at home and she had a look of peace on her face that he realized he’d never seen before.

He retreated to the couch and put his weary head down for a while.  This time it wasn’t Chase that woke him, it was the morning sun as it filtered in through the living room windows.  He quietly went into the bedroom to check the situation finding them both still asleep.  He decided to slip home have a shower and grab some food for Chase and the fixing for a hearty breakfast.

When he got back Calli was up and about, she’d showered and put a pot of coffee on. Chase was following her, not wanting to leave her alone just yet.  He held out the food he had brought back with him and said she should rest while he got cooking.

She lowered her head for a second then gave him a hug and thanked him for all he’d done for her.  Max hugged her back then said he best get busy or Chase would be letting him know he was hungry, to which they both smiled.  He waved her out of the kitchen and started preparing breakfast.  The smell of bacon, eggs, tomatoes and toast soon filled the kitchen making Max realise just how hungry he was.  He set the table and organised some food for Chase as well.

Max wasn’t sure how hungry she’d be, but made enough for seconds if they were wanted.  He set the plates on the table, poured them both a mug of coffee then called out to let them both know that breakfast was ready.

Chase came in first wagging his tail and headed straight for the food set down for him.  Calli stood in the doorway watching, imagining that Max would play this scene out everyday with Chase in his own home.

They ate quietly, enjoying the food and appreciating that there was no real need for conversation.  It had been a good idea making extra, as they both ate heartily, with Max saying she made a good cup of coffee at the end of it all.

They cleared the table and he washed up telling her she should still take it easy.  When he was finished, he poured more coffee for them both and headed to the bedroom.  Chase was curled up at the foot of the bed and she was propped up in bed looking a little anxious.  He put the coffee mugs on the bedside table, then he sat on the side of the bed and waited quietly.

She realized that it was time to talk and lowered her head finding she couldn’t look him in the eye.  Max would have none of it though, he reached under her chin and lifted her head saying, “My friend we have been through a great deal in the past couple of days, and there is no need to hide your face from me or to feel shame of any kind.  But we do need to talk about what happened, for both our sakes.  I need to know what happened, so I will know if you are truly safe now and I believe you also need to put words to what you went through; to make it real and to get some understanding of it all.”

She could feel the tears well in her eyes and nodded at Max saying, “Your right, I need to understand what happened, but I don’t know if I can do it alone.  Max, you and Chase have been so good to me and I really appreciate all that you have done.  I’ll try to put what happened into words.” She sighed taking a deep slow breath before she continued. “Maybe then I will be able to deal with it and prevent from it happening again.”

Max smiled at her saying she should take her time, he wouldn’t push for answers, but she needed to be honest with him and most importantly honest with herself if she wanted to really understand what she had happened.

She sat quietly for a few minutes thinking about what had happened and why it had happened.  She looked at Max and began, explaining that before she came to live there she had been in a relationship with someone she thought she would spend the rest of her life with.  She went on to tell him of the hurt she felt when he had tossed her aside telling her she was too needy.  She knew she wasn’t what he’d said and that it was his way of telling her it was over, that she’d served her purpose and he no longer wanted her.

She stopped speaking for a moment wiping a tear from her eye before going on.  She explained that she had been hurt before and that she had made sure this time to go slow and not assume anything.  She told him how she had longed to be loved completely by someone that she could love just as much, but each time she had thought she’d found the right person they had turned out to be far less than they had led her to believe.

This last time had been the straw that broke the camels back so to speak, she was surprised at just how hurt she’d felt.  Perhaps it was the way in which he had told her she was no longer wanted.  That was one of the reasons she moved away, she wanted to start anew to try to forget the pain and get on with life alone.

Max patted her hand and nodded to let her know that he understood, giving her the confidence to go on.  She could feel the knot again not so deep this time, but it still scared her.  She looked at Max unable to speak and he could see that she was not alright, that she couldn’t breathe.  He took her face in his hands and he spoke softly saying, “Focus on me and Chase and how well we’ve looked after you.  Think of the warmth we have brought you the past two days.  Now slowly take a breath, in then out… then another, in and then out.”

She did what he said and soon had her breathing under control.  Calli looked up at Max confusion and fear in her eyes, several tears escaped running down her cheeks and she opened her mouth to speak, but no words would come.

Max reached out to her in that moment wrapping his arms around her and telling her softly that she’d done well, that there was no need to say anymore right now.  He held her close until he felt the tension ease from her body, and then he released her taking her hand and smiling confidently at her.

“Rest for now Calli, I know you are hurting a great deal my little friend and there’s no need to push yourself to talk about it if you aren’t ready. Chase and I will be here if you need us.”  He looked down at Chase and grinned saying, “Somehow I don’t think Chase will leave until he thinks you are ready for us to go”. Max took Calli’s hand and gave it a squeeze before he picked up his coffee mug and went out to the living room.

Calli looked after him wondering why he was doing this, why he was taking time out of his own life to help her?  In the end she decided it didn’t matter, he was here and so was Chase and right now that was all that mattered.

She slid down further in the bed and got comfortable, before long she was dosing, drifting in and out of sleep.  For the first time in a long while Calli was able to sleep without waking in fright, without having to try not to think of the nightmares she’d just had.  When she woke several hours later it was to Chase nudging her, it was lunchtime and he wouldn’t go to the kitchen and eat because he didn’t want to leave her alone.

Calli got out of bed and put her slippers and dressing gown on, it looked like a nice day out, but she still felt a distinct chill within her.  She followed Chase out to the kitchen and got a whiff of sausages and chips cooking.  “Yum!” She said without even realizing she’d said it and Max turned around with a smile on his face.

“I wasn’t sure what to do about lunch, there’s still plenty of soup left and I thought we might have that for dinner with some nice crusty bread, so I thought snags and chips would do.”  Calli found herself smiling at Max as she started setting the table for lunch.

They chatted over lunch, Max doing most of the talking, but Calli joined in now and then.  Max seemed to sense that Calli needed time to feel safer with him before she could open up any more than she had.  He was a patient man, he liked Calli and wanted to see her right and as well as that, Chase was not about to leave her side any time soon.

After lunch Max said he needed to go to the grocery shop for a few things.  He asked Calli if she’d like to go with him but seeing distress come into her face he side tracked saying, “Since it was such a nice day maybe you could sit out on the porch and get some sun, Chase could stay with you while I’m gone”.  Calli’s expression changed at this and they soon had her sitting on the front porch with Chase sitting close by.

Max waved as he set off feeling confident that she’d be fine while he was gone.  And she was fine.  Calli sat in the afternoon sun feeling more relaxed and at ease than she had in a long time.  She reached down at intervals and patted Chase and Chase in turn would lift his head and nuzzle her leg to let her know he was still there.  “Maybe, just maybe” Calli told herself, “I can get through this and find some kind of peace”.

Max ran into a couple of friends at the grocery shop and they all asked where he’d been.  They were used to seeing him around the place and wanted to know if he was okay and what he’d been up to.  He greeted his friends saying he was fine.  He said he’d been helping out a friend who’d taken ill and had been staying with them the past few days.  Max didn’t offer up Calli’s name and he changed the subject to one of their pet hates (local politics) before someone asked.

He did the rounds of the aisles and gathering all he needed before heading for the checkout.  When he got there he noticed his old friend Hank hovering about chatting to Mavis the woman working the cash register.  Max and Hank had been friend for most of their life and he instinctively knew that Hank wasn’t just wanting to chat with Mavis… he wanted to get the full story from him.

Max nodded at his friend as he put all the items up for Mavis to scan through the register.  They made general chit chat and left the store together.  They got two doors away from the grocery shop when Hank came to a standstill and said, “I’ve know you pretty much all of my life and I’ve never known you to come to anyone’s rescue, not without asking for help, so you better tell me what’s going on.”

Max looked at his friend and said, “Let’s take a walk.”  They headed for the small park at the end of the street leading down to the beach.  There were several seats and benches there for people to rest or have picnics at.  They sat down on a bench out of the way and looked down at the beach and the people wondering along the sand or swimming in the shallows.

Hank looked at his friend and said, “Well.”

Max gave a sigh and said, “Okay but you have to keep this close, no way do I want any of this getting around town.”  Hank nodded with a look on his face that said he shouldn’t have had to ask.  Then Max explained what had happened and where and what he’d been doing the past couple of days.

When he finished he waited for Hank to say something, not sure what he expected him to say and certainly not expecting what he did finally say.

“Right,” said Hank, “What do we do now?”

Max looked at Hank confusion written on his face and said, “What do you mean… We?” 

Without hesitation Hank told Max that if his friend was not doing too well that he would need help to get her right again.  “You’re too old to know what a young woman needs to mend herself and your gonna need my help!”  Were his exact words!

Max thought about what his friend had said and realised he was right, he was going to need help.  He just wasn’t sure how Calli would react if he brought Hank home with him?  Eventually he agreed to have Hank help.  He told him that Calli was pretty fragile at the moment so they needed to tread carefully.  They got up and headed back to Calli’s cottage, Hank feeling like he was part of the situation and wanting to do some good and Max wondering how Calli would react to having Hank there.

Calli wasn’t on the porch when they got back to the cottage, she had gone inside to make a pot of tea figuring that Max would be back soon and would appreciate it.  Chase sensing Max had returned ran for the front door and stood on the porch barking his acknowledgement of his return.  He wagged his tail as Max approached and patted him on the back. But when Hank came up to him, Chase moved across the doorway not wanting him to enter.

Hank looked at Max unsure what to do, as Chase had never reacted to him in this way before.  Max realizing that he was doing this to protect Calli said that he should wait on the porch until he spoke to Calli and she was okay about him being there.  Hank agreed and sat on one of the porch chairs, while Chase stayed where he was in the doorway.

Max went in to the kitchen and Calli greeting him with a smile.  She helped him put the groceries away and was about to pour him a cup of tea when Max said he had something to tell her.  Calli sat down at the table and waited to hear what he had to say.

Max sat opposite her looking at the teapot, mugs and the plate of biscuits she had laid out.  He didn’t look at her at first which made her feel a little uneasy.  “What’s wrong,” she said.  “Did I do something, do you and Chase want to go home now?”

Max shook his head and said, “No, nothing like that.  It’s just that when I was down at the grocery store, I ran into a few people I know and they were asking questions.  They haven’t seen me in a few days, so they wanted to know where I’ve been and what I’ve been up too.”

“What did you tell them”, she asked and he replied, “I told them I was helping out a friend who wasn’t feeling too good which is true.”  Then he told her about Hank and how he’d been waiting for him when he had finished shopping.  He went on to explain that they’d sat in the park and he’d told Hank about what he’d been doing the past few days.

The colour drained from Calli’s face, but she sat quietly and listened to the rest of what Max had to say.  When he got to the part about Hank being on the porch, she looked like she wanted to run and hide, but he reached out and touched her hand that was resting on the table and said, “Hank is a good friend and I promise all he wants to do is help.  If anything he’s peeved at me for not letting him help sooner”.

He patted her hand and said, “I know you’re afraid, but if you can trust me and Chase, maybe you can trust Hank too.”  He waited for her to say something, but she didn’t, she just nodded her head in agreement and withdrew her hand, resting in on her lap.

“Okay then, I’ll go tell Chase he can let him in.”  “What!”  Calli called after him. 

Max turned and grinned at Calli as he reached the entrance to the hall.  “Chase is standing guard on the doorstep and won’t let Hank in.  Needless to say Hank is miffed.”

Calli burst out laughing at this, because she realized that Chase would have known Hank for a long time and he was protecting her by keeping him (an old friend) out side away from her.  Before she realized what she was doing, she had gotten up from her seat and moved towards the front door.

She bent down and gave Chase a hug talking softly into his ear saying, “You are a good friend, thank you for keeping me safe.”  Then she patted him on the back and stood up again, poking her head out the doorway onto the porch.  She saw Hank sitting back in the same chair she’d been sitting in earlier, eyes closed and looking like he belonged there.

She moved forward reaching out her hand and said hello to him.  Hank opened his eyes and smiled up at her, a smile that seemed to light up his whole face.  He stood and took her hand shaking it firmly but gently.  She said that she’d just made tea and asked him to come join them.  Chase seemed to know exactly what she was saying, because as she moved back into the cottage, he followed her leaving both Max and Hank free to come in after them.

Calli got another mug from the cupboard and began pouring the tea.  They sat around the table and Hank dove right in, telling her about himself and how he was Max’s best friend and that they had known each other for as long as he could remember.  Out of the corner of her eye Calli could see Max roll his eyes and couldn’t help grinning.  Hank took this as a good sign and kept up the conversation.  It wasn’t long before Max joined in and Calli sat back and listened to them both chatting like a couple of good mates.

The afternoon seemed to fly by with the two friends catching up and telling stories about their youth, both trying to out do each other with the exploits they spoke of.  Calli took it all in and before long she looked up surprised to see that the sun was starting to set.

She got up and went to the stove to put the soup on, soup always tasted better a day or so after making it and as she turned the heat on under the pot, she looked back at Hank and said, “You’re staying for dinner,” which was more of a statement than an invitation.  Hank nodded vigorously and Max smiled at Calli as he could see that she was going to be fine about having Hank around.

It didn’t take long to get dinner organized, Max had bought some nice crusty break as he’d promised and it went well with the soup.  By the time they had all eaten their fill the soup was pretty much finished off and since Calli had organized dinner, Hank offered to do the dishes, so long as Max helped.

While they washed up, Calli ran a bubble bath and lay back in the water soaking and breathing in the scent of lavender.  She was feeling so much better now; in fact she was feeling far better than she had since long before she moved to the little cottage by the sea.

As she got dressed she wondered what tomorrow would bring and shook her head and smiled, for so long now she had done her best not to think about tomorrow.  Maybe, just maybe she would have some tomorrows that weren’t full of pain.  Calli sat at the dresser and brushed her hair wondering how her life would move on from here.  She was feeling relaxed and calm and didn’t want to destroy these feelings by worrying about what was going to happen next.

Calli shook her head to clear her mind and heard Max and Hank talking in the living room.  She looked at herself in the mirror and said, “For now I need to concentrate on the present, not the past, tonight I want to enjoy being with friends.  Tomorrow perhaps I’ll be ready to deal with all the bad stuff”.  Then she left her room and headed for the sound of laughter and friendly banter.

For the next few days either Max or Hank was at the cottage keeping her company and making sure she was alright.  Chase was there too, he refused to leave Calli no matter what Max said to get him to come with him.  Max realised that a bond had grown between Calli and Chase and although this was a good thing in regards to her feeling safe when he wasn’t around.  He also knew that when it came time for them to leave, it would be difficult for both of them.  But for now, Calli needed Chase and if this would help her heal then he would deal with the rest later.

A couple of days later Max persuaded Calli to go for a walk along the beach.  He was made sure they didn’t go the same way Calli had the last time she’d gone for a walk, they headed in the opposite direction towards the park where Max and Hank had sat and talked.  Chase was with them and ran ahead barking at the gulls’ then running back to see if he was needed, then running off again.  He was having a wonderful time.

They stopped now and then to catch their breath and to take in the scenery as it was truly beautiful.  The town was built close to a set of mountains, they were huge and ominous at times, but also gave the impression that they had a thousand and one stories to tell.  So the town had the mountains on one side and the ocean on another.  Somewhere between the two was a Rainforest, an area that had long ago been set aside in trust by the community. 

As they stopped for a breather, Calli noticed a pathway leading from the beach up through the scrub towards the mountains.  She asked Max where it led and he said, “That path leads up to the Rainforest, there are a couple of entrances to it.  This one isn’t used too often and it’s not kept as clear as the others.  It’s a longer walk, but you get to see a lot more of the forest”. And he whispered, “It’s my favourite path because if you really look you can find a couple of small caves that would have been used for shelter once.”

Calli smiled as she listened to her friend, “There are walkways and paths built to make it easier for visitors to experience the Rainforest without harming it.  And there are areas with benches so you can have a rest or just relax and enjoy being in the forest.  The local historical group did a lot of research and produced information that council had put onto information boards to give visitors more insight into the forest.    We’ll have to go there when you’re feeling up to it okay.”

“I’d like that,” Calli said, “Rainforests can be so soothing, calming if you know what I mean.”   Max smiled at her and nodded, because he knew exactly what she meant.

As they got closer to the park, Calli could hear the sound of people laughing; there was music as well and mmm… the smell of a BBQ!  She looked at Max and could see he was trying very hard to play the innocent, so she kept walking and didn’t say anything.

Next thing she new Chase started barking and ran off up the make shift steps that led up to the park.  When he reached the top step he turned and barked down to them as if trying to hurry them up, so they hurried across the sand and up the steps.

When they reached the top, Calli stopped dead!  It looked like a party was going on; she looked around and spotted Hank by the BBQ a set of tongs in one hand and a platter in the other.  He waved hi to her with his tong filled hand and she waved back.

She turned toward Max who was looking at him kind of sheepishly and before she could ask anything he blurted out, “This was all Hanks idea!”  Calli looked from Max to Hank and back again and he said, “Hank thought it would be good for you to get out and meet a few people.”

Calli knew she had every right to be angry with both of them, but as she looked around everyone seemed to be having a good time.  The feel of the place was nice and she didn’t want to ruin it for anyone, so she grinned at Max and said, “Okay Max, but you stay close just in case okay.”  Max agreed and taking her arm set off toward Hank introducing her to everyone as he went.

When they reached Hank he held out a plate for each of them with steak, sausage and onion barbequed to perfection.  He said there were sauces on table next to the salads and that they should go help themselves before it all goes.

Saying thanks they took the plates their thanks and headed for the sauces and salads.  Someone had put makeshift tables where the benches were and as they sat down to eat, both Calli and Max were licking their lips in anticipation of what they were about to eat.

People came and went from their table, wanting to catch up, meet Calli or comment on the party.  As Calli looked around again she realised that Hank had probably invited half the town.  She moved in closer to Max and whispered to him, “Did Hank pay for all this?” 

Max shook his head, “No this is a community BBQ, everyone brought something and we all threw in for the meat, Ned gives us a discount for this kind of thing.”

 “But” Calli said, “I didn’t bring anything!” And Max told her not to worry about it as the BBQ was to welcome her to the community and as she was the guest of honour, she didn’t have to bring anything.  “For me!”  Calli asked, surprise all over her face.

Max just nodded and said, “Yep for you, so relax and enjoy okay.  Next time you can contribute to the table okay.” 

“Okay,” she said and tucked in to her meal.

When they had finished eating, she took their plates to the bins scattered here and there.  On the way back to Max she saw a little girl sitting on the grass playing with some shells; she knelt down next to her and asked her if she collected them from the beach below.  The little girl nodded yes and as she looked up at Calli, she offered her one saying she could keep it if she wanted too.  Calli took the shell and thanked her, then got up and headed back to where she had been sitting.

She sat quietly with the shell in her hand, running her fingers over it.  She looked out at the water and said, “Max, that day you found me on the beach,” she stopped for a moment not wanting to bring back too much of that night, then went on, “I remember I found a shell when I was walking… before I… well… you know.”  She looked at the shell in her hand, took a deep breathe and said, “I remember I found a conch shell and I think I was still holding it when you found me.  What happened to it?”

Max thought for a moment then said, “Yeah, I remember the shell, I thought it was a little strange you had a conch with you.  You don’t find that kind of shell in these parts and I remember wondering why you’d take it with you when you went for a walk.”

Calli looked at him then and said, “Max I didn’t take it with me, I found it on the beach, it brought back a memory of something that in a way kind of sent me over the edge.”  She lowered her face as she could feel it flush and didn’t want him to see it.

“Calli,” Max said surprise in his voice, “If you found that shell on the beach, then you were meant to.  Like I said you don’t find that kind of shell here, so it was obviously meant to be there for you to find.”  Calli looked up the beginnings of a smile at the corner of her mouth.

“You were gripping that shell like it was glued to you,” Max stated.  “You didn’t let go of it until I’d gotten you warn and you’d fallen asleep.  I put it on the bedside table at first, but later I thought it might trigger something and make you worse, so I wrapped it in a scarf I found on the end of your bed and put it in the blanket chest at the foot of the bed.” 

“You were afraid for me… that the shell would make me worse?”

 “Yes” said Max not sure what else to say.  Calli squeezed his arm and thanked him for looking out for her.  Then Hank and a lady named Gloria sat down with them and Calli was treated to more stories of her friend’s lives.  She had realised the other night that these two had led a colourful life, one that spoke of laughter, fun, love and even a little sadness. 

What she realised this day though was that many of the people there were linked by their families and the lives they had led over several generations.  She suddenly felt very lucky to be part of their lives and to be welcomed into this community, something she was certain was a direct result of her two friend’s efforts to make her feel more at home. 

There were people of all ages there, sitting and talking, playing touch football a little ways from the tables, there were children playing on the swings and other park equipment and sitting on the steps wanting to go down to the water.  Calli felt something special that day, something she hadn’t expected… she felt could belong too.

Chase came bounding over to her with a ball in his mouth wanting her to come play and she obliged taking the ball from his jaws and moving away from the tables to throw it for him to go fetch.  She looked back at the table a few times and saw Max, Hank and even Gloria all with huge smiles on their faces as they watched her play with Chase. 

The day went all too quickly and people were starting to pack up and drift off home.  People called out their goodbyes as they left and it wasn’t long before she was headed back to her little cottage.  Max and Hank held back a little saying they needed to help pack up but that she should go ahead with Chase.  She nodded and headed down the steps with Chase following her.

When she was about halfway down she turned and called out, “Why don’t you both take the night off and go do something just the two of you, I’ll be fine, Chase is with me.”  They looked at each other not sure if it was a good idea of not, but thought they should follow her lead and see how she went.  So Max yelled out that they were going to the pub for a couple of brews and wouldn’t be long.

Calli ran after Chase up the beach towards her cottage, but she paused when she came to where the pathway led up to the Rainforest.  She knew it would be stupid to go exploring this time of day, but knew that soon she would get Max to take her there so she could see the little caves and so she could sit in the midst of the forest and enjoy its calmness.

Earlier that day she’d made a casserole for dinner and now she was glad she had, when she got back to the cottage she turned the oven on and put the casserole in to heat slowly.  This done she ran a bath and put some music on.  Chase followed her from room to room and sat next to her when she knelt down beside the wooden chest at the foot of her bed.

She looked at the chest resting a hand on the lid ready to open it, but several moments later she removed her hand and stood saying to herself, “Later, I don’t want to break the spell of the day”.  So she went back to the kitchen and set the table for dinner knowing that Max and Hank would want something warm to eat when they got back.

When all was ready, she checked the bath and got herself ready to get in.  It felt wonderful to lie back in its warm, to close her eyes and breathe in the scent of Lavender that she had always loved.  When she finished her bath she put on her pj’s and her uggies as she could feel a distinct chill in the air.

She grabbed her dressing gown on the way out of her room and went to check the casserole.  It wasn’t quite ready yet and she really didn’t want to sit at the table alone and eat, so she checked to see what was on TV.  There was an old John Wayne movie on, a western called The Searchers.  “Hmm”, she said to herself, “The Duke” then she went back to the kitchen and got a tray ready so she could eat in front of the TV and watch The Duke strut his stuff.

It wasn’t long before Calli was sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table eating.  She felt relaxed and calm; she’d had a good day and wanted to keep the feel of the day going.  She longed to go into her room and open the chest at the end of her bed, but shook the thought off and concentrated on the movie and marveled at how tall The Duke sat in his saddle.

When she’d finished eating she rinsed her plate and left it in the sink she’d wash up in the morning, then she settled herself on the couch with a pillow and a blanket and immersed herself in the movie.  Chase had has something to eat from his bowl in the kitchen then settled on the floor in front of Calli so she’d be able to reach out and touch him if she wanted too.

Calli didn’t see the end of the movie, she drifted off to sleep and didn’t wake until both Max and Hank had returned and were sitting down having some of the casserole she’d kept in the oven to keep warm for them.  She lay unmoving on the couch with a smile on her face listening to her friends as they ate, they sounded happy, a little merry too and she figured that a couple of brews may have become a few more than that.

She heard Hank say that Calli made a good casserole and she called out “Thanks!” To which they both called out that they thought she was still asleep and that they didn’t mean to wake her.  She got up and joined them at the table asking how their evening was.

They said it was good and that next time she should come with them.  She laughed at this and said, “Sure, if you say so.”  She wasn’t so sure she would feel at home at the pub with a bunch of senior citizens.  Just the two of them was fine, but a whole bunch of them?  She wasn’t sure about that.

Suddenly she felt very tired and said she was going to bed.  They asked if she was okay and she said yes, just tired!  She headed for her bedroom and patted Chase saying maybe he should stay and look after Max and Hank.  Chase whined a little but sat down by Max and watched as Calli left the room.

Hank headed home not long after and Max settled on the couch for a while before he turned in as well.  He was getting a little concerned about Calli getting to comfortable with him and Chase being there.  He knew he needed to pull back a bit and let her deal with things herself, but wasn’t sure how to bring this up with her.

Next morning Calli was up early, she felt good; she’d slept well and was looking forward to the day, even though she wasn’t sure what it would bring.  She put the coffee on and got breakfast started, it wasn’t long before she heard Max and Chase moving.  She set down some food for Chase and handed Max a mug of coffee.  He nodded his appreciation and sat down at the kitchen table.

He sat quietly looking into his coffee mug for a few minutes waiting for it to cool.  He knew he had to talk to Calli but wasn’t sure how to begin.  He was afraid he’d upset her or worse set her back to where she’d been when this had all begun.  But he needn’t have worried.

Calli put a plate of food in front of him and sat down with her own plate.  “For some reason” she began, “The sea air always makes me hungry”.  They both enjoyed their breakfast and when they were done, Calli said she wanted to talk to him about something important.  Max looked at her a little uneasy, not sure what she was going to say and nodded.

Calli smiled at him and said, “I’ll clear up and do the dishes first and then maybe we could go for a walk on the beach and talk, if that’s okay?”  Max nodded yes and said he’d wait on the front porch for her.

Max sat on the front steps wondering what she wanted to talk about, he knew that she was doing well, but also that she still had a lot she needed to process before she could put what happened aside and get on with things.  He cared about her and wanted her to be happy.

It wasn’t too long before Calli came out and they headed out down to the beach.  It was a lovely morning; the sky was that beautiful shade of blue that only the sky can hold.  It would be quite warm later, but at the moment there was still a bit of a chill in the air.

They walked for a while in silence, enjoying the day coming to life.  They waved to several people who were out for their morning walk and laughed at Chase as he ran after a group of gulls not too far ahead of them.  They walked out past the rock pools and up to the small grassy hill overlooking the water and sat down.

They looked out to sea for a few minutes and Calli began, “Max, I’m really grateful to you and Chase, I honestly don’t think I’d have made it if it wasn’t for you both.”  Max began to say something, but Calli cut him off, “Please Max, I need to say this okay.  I was in a bad way when you found me on the beach; I’m still trying to figure it all out and to be honest… I’m terrified it might happen again.  But I need to sort this all out, I need to be able to move past what happened and make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Max nodded and said, “I know Calli, I know you need to work through a lot of stuff.  I just want you to know that you don’t need to do it all on your own.”

Calli smiled at her friend and reached out and took his hand giving it a gentle squeeze.  She looked him in the eye and said, “Please don’t take this the wrong way Max, but I think I need to do this alone.”  She could see he wanted to say something, but held her hand up to stop him and said.

“I need to be able to stand on my own two feet and be able to deal with all of this.  If I don’t I’ll never get past it.  I’ll never feel whole again and I’m tired of being a victim.”  She also said that it was time for him and Chase to go home.

Max nodded at her and asked if she was sure this was what she wanted and she said yes.  Max smiled at her and said okay, but only if she promised to call him if she needed help and she agreed.  Then he put his arm around her and she rested her head on his shoulder as they looked out to sea.

When they got back to the cottage, Max gathered his things together and put them near the front door.  It felt strange to be going home, strange to be leaving Calli alone here.  He looked down at Chase and saw that he was a little uneasy too, but he had to trust that Calli was doing what was right for herself.  They sat and chatted for a while and he said that he’d speak to Hank and let him know that she needed a little time alone.  Again he made her promise to call him if she needed help and she agreed.

Max gave Calli a hug, kissed her on the cheek and headed for the door calling Chase as he went.  Chase hovered around Calli at first, then realised that Calli was okay with him going and he followed Max out the door.

Calli sat on the front porch watching as they walked up the road to their own home, she felt confident that she was doing the right thing, but also a little apprehensive as she hadn’t really been alone since Max found her on the beach.

After a while she got up and went inside, she did a bit of general tidying up, not that it was needed, it was more a means of keeping occupied and trying not to think of other things.  Finally she walked into her bedroom and knelt down in front of the chest at the foot of her bed.

 “Okay” she said to herself, “If I can get through this, I’ll be fine.”  Then she lifted the lid on the chest and looked inside.  There sitting in the middle of the chest with a blue scarf wrapped around it was the conch she had found on the beach that day.

Calli knelt as if frozen for what seemed an age, but in reality was only a minute or two, then she reached in and picked up the shell.  She sat on the floor cross legged and gently pulled the scarf away from the shell.  She had no idea how she might react and was trying to remain as calm as she could.

She sat there turning the shell over in her hands and in her mind’s eye she could see herself as she was on the beach that day.  She could see the hurt on her face and feel the pain within.  She realised that it was the shell that had brought everything to a head, the shell and the poem she remembered.  The poem that kept playing itself in her mind until her mind and her body said… ‘Enough’!

That was when the knot began to rise within her, the knot that had held what seemed like the all the hurt and pain and losses of a lifetime.  That was when the knot had finally released itself, when she thought this was it… she wasn’t going to survive… didn’t want to survive.  She thought about the poem again, running through it in her mind, then speaking it aloud -

Naught But a Shell!

                               Fear seeps in soaking up all that is good within

                                     Doubt and helplessness takes hold

                                   Immersing the senses, blinding the light

                                         Pain is the only emotion now felt

                                           Unending pain and loneliness

Fear overpowers, consuming the soul

                                             Stealing happiness away

                                               Disintegrating all hope

                                            Destroying the individual

                                             Leaving naught but a shell

Naught but emptiness

                                                 For all the world to see

                                            The darkness finally engulfs

                                         Dissolving – hollowing – creating –

                                                       And leaving

                                                   Naught but a Shell

The poem didn’t invoke the same feelings as it had the last time she’d run through the words.  This time, they were just words!  Words with meaning… words with emotion… words that could be used to draw pain from one’s self, or give a person some understanding of the pain, of emptiness and isolation.  But she now realised that how these words were used, would be entirely up to the individual.

Calli ran the tips of her fingers over the shell, it had been a symbol of so much pain for her, it had pushed her to the brink and now she knew that she had the power to turn that around.  Now she had the power to make this shell a positive symbol, one that would help her in dealing with whatever life brought her way.

Calli knew that it was early days yet, that she was still fragile, but she was determined to beat this and as she sat on the floor of her bedroom with the conch in her hands she knew that she was going to be alright.

That day and the next Calli spent alone, she needed to see if she could be alone.  She needed to know that she didn’t have to depend of Max and Chase and even Hank to be there to look after her.  It was difficult, but she did it and she was honest enough with herself to realise that there would still be times in the future when she would want someone nearby.  But she told herself, she’d take each day as it came, she’d do the best she could and in the end if she needed a friend, then that was okay.

Calli started going out more, not just walking along the beach, she visited the local café each day and it wasn’t long before she became a regular there.  She got to know the locals too and having Max, Chase and Hank as friends helped in her being accepted within the community.

Calli got involved with the local historical society and even suggested that they should put together a book or film of the stories the locals could tell.  Locals like Max and Hank and their group of friends.  They had stories about the local area that went back before they even had paved roads.  Stories of before the Second World War and stories that predated that war and were passed down through the generations.

She got people excited about this and helped with funding applications and was asked to be involved in the project as much as was needed.  This truly made her feel like she belonged there, that she was part of the community and with each passing day the knot that had risen from somewhere so deep within her had become a distant memory and the conch shell had become a symbol of change.

It was as if her life had begun anew, she stopped worrying about love and wanting and needing it, because she truly felt loved by her friends, friends that she knew she could depend on no matter what.  Calli took each day as it came, determined to find beauty in it and if it sucked, then she told herself that everyone had sucky days and that tomorrow would be better.

They got funding for the project and Calli was always available to help out with interviews writing and editing transcripts and reviewing what they filmed.  They had decided to make a film and also write it up in book form, which would take pride of place in the local library and also be available to buy in several of the gift shops in town.

Max and Chase were permanent fixtures at the historical society and Hank spent a great deal of time there as well.  It seemed that the town was abuzz with what was happening and everyone was excited to see what the final products would be.

Each night Calli went home to her little cottage by the sea, as she stood on the front porch she’d look out to sea, but now instead of wondering what it would be like to be out there under the water, living free and wild, now she wondered what tomorrow would bring.

One afternoon as Calli was organizing some paperwork for the historical society when Max called out, “Knock, knock,” he said and came down the hallway towards the back room that Calli had turned into an office.  Chase came ahead of him and Calli knelt down and gave him a hug saying hi to them both.

When Calli stood up she saw a cheeky kind on grin on Max’s face and wondered what he was up to.  “How you doing?” she asked to him as his smile got wider.

“I’m doing just fine.”  Then he handed a basket to Calli and said, “Happy birthday!”

Calli took the basket asking how he knew it was her birthday but didn’t wait for an answer as she was greeted with half a dozen little barks.  Sitting in the basket was puppy, a puppy that looked a great deal like Chase.

Calli was speechless!  She picked up the puppy and dropped the basket as she did so; luckily Max realised and grabbed it before it hit the floor.  Calli looked at Max, “A girl?” and he nodded yes.  She grinned at him thinking about what she would name her.  She put the puppy on the floor to get a better look at her and said, “Look at the size of her paws!”

Max grinned and said, “Yep, she’s going to be a good sized dog when she’s fully grown.”

 Then Calli picked her puppy up again and snuggled it up close to her stating, “Paws! That’s what her name is going to be.”

Max laughed and told Calli that the name suited and that he hoped she was happy with his gift.  Calli wrapped her free arm around him and gave him a kiss on the cheek, telling him without the need for any words that indeed this was a wonderful gift!