As you can tell by the title,,, I'm super depressed and suicidal again,, yes again

My friend- no,, my BEST of friend is having some kidney failures. She's also pregnant and it's rather replace her kidneys with new ones and the baby dies or she doesn't get her kidneys removed and the baby lives. It's really a whole fucking mess,,, she lost one and I feel like it's really hard for her.. she talks about him a lot... how she misses him

She's also close to dying. She doesn't tell anyone but me and she goes to school spitting out blood on a tissue, keeping it a secret on everyone. It really does scare me a lot

I'm feeling super suicidal from this. She's my only friend I love and care about, I have more friends online but,, she's my real life friend and she's literally my only happiness

If she does die which I'm hoping will never happen, I am most likely going to kill myself. I can't live a second without someone I absolutely love with all my being,, but, if the baby does live I might want to take the place for her. Her boyfriend could also watch over the child but, I want to be with it more then he does...

I'm in a state where if I should worry or just pretend everything is fine because, she seems like she's not worried.

And what broke me was when, she said if she was going to die, she wants to see BTS as her last to live and she wants to take me with her. I don't want her to think like that, it's literally heart breaking to hear her say that, she says it as if it's a good thing,, like she's ready to accept her fate.

I might not be updating for a month or so. If I don't come back well, it probably means I actually did it and ended my life just like that,,, I don't want any of you to pity me or say that life is precious when my best friend is my life resource. Don't come at me with that life is beautiful and that my life is worth living bullshit,, I don't want to hear it,,

Not from a stranger behind a screen...

Samiels death