Judge: luciferspinkwings

Contestant: karinberry

Title: Love will make it alright

Genre: Romance

Score: 3.95/5

Review:

Title/cover/description - I really like the cover that you currently have! The text is clearly visible and it's a great quote you chose at the top - a quote which, on top of that, also fits well with the title.

You have a great description which manages to pull the reader in and leave them wanting more. I did discover a few minor grammatical errors though.

In the second paragraph, I would recommend changing 'father loved' to 'father love' - it fits the content of your story better and disturbs the flow less. And in the forth 'paragraph', change 'lived his own life' to 'live his own life', same reasons.

And a tip. In the very first sentence, you might consider changing the word choice for 'pain' to keep a bit of diversity. A few recommendations from me would be agony, despair, misery, torment. Using a diversity of words is refreshing and gives a more professional look as well. (And be honest with yourself; doesn't 'despair' - to name an example - sounds much better than 'pain'? I always found the word pain a tad boring, this also can be just me of course)

The beginning - (At first I gotta say though that I like their names) The emotion you used to bring your characters in is very good. They give me this tangible feeling, as if they are real, which also immediately makes them more relatable. Even with the prologue, I can already tell that those characters are different from each other because they have their own inner voice. That is not easy to do and it's a gift of not that many authors, so I honestly congratulate you on that.

I do have a few things I need to point out to you through - which I will write it down in the next part.

Detail - Try to prevent from simply using 'sigh' to describe the action, otherwise it's called 'lazy writing' and you don't want that as an author. Instead, use 'I sighed' at least. More detail is always better, but describe your mc's actions instead of simply stating them. The same counts for 'ouch' btw. Instead of stating it, describe the emotion/feeling (or simply leave the word out. That works too). It also counts for things like 'haha' and 'pfft'. Try to prevent doing that in your story. It looks very unprofessional and I find it somewhat disturbing to see.

A tip for writing flashbacks. Just keep out the word 'flashback' and just start writing it. Your readers should be smart enough to figure it out on their own. But to put it apart from the main story itself you could always write it in italics, that's what I always do at least. (And try to keep them as short as possible so that your readers don't lose sight of the story itself)

And when you describe the actions, thoughts, or if another character says something in reply to the mc, you generally move that to a new paragraph. It's like a basic writing rule in a way. It might be very confusing for non-English readers to know who says/does what - and also for the native ones though if the description is limited.

And when your characters are talking with each other, in some cases, it seems rather... plain to me, for a lack of better words. (mostly the flashback) Do they just simply stand there; staring at each other unmoving in a blank room? To make the conversations more real, I would highly recommend you to describe some actions (like shuffling around on their feet, scratching the back of their neck - you get what I mean) and maybe some scenery. Where are they? What do they do next to talking? What is running through their minds and what do they feel?

Try looking at your story as if you're watching a movie. You are the one holding the camera and you see everything through a lens (in this case, your mc's eyes), so describe what he sees. It also helps to include the five senses; sight, smell, touch, hearing, and taste. If you include this all it makes it more realistic and touchable/relatable to your audience. Nobody likes a 'flat' story after all.

Character development - I honestly loved their meeting. It made me crack up, I have to be honest here, I did not expect that either. It does make me wonder though how large that garbage can is (I didn't know they could hold two men and roll down the street without either breaking anything or kicking/elbowing each other). A bit more description would be appreciated here; it seems a bit rushed to me. Just add a few more sentences of emotion, their environment, their actions, and thoughts and it will be much better.

Grammar/spelling - There are some minor grammatical/spelling errors throughout the chapters I've read, but it's nothing too big. I know that English is not your native language, and I honestly respect you for writing an English story, but if you struggle with it you could always get yourself an editor. Wattpad has all those clubs where you can undoubtedly find one - or you could ask a native-English speaking friend to help you. If you have something against editors though, you could always go online. Thesaurus is a great site to help you with definitions and synonyms of words. Grammarly is a site/app to help you with grammar. Microsoft Word has also a built-in grammar and spelling check. (There are more of course) And using those 'help devices' can really improve your writing and story-telling in general.

Plot - It is clear to say that you have done your research before writing this story; even if it's just by looking at the small things like vaccines. While the beginning is somewhat cliché, which I don't necessarily view as a bad thing, it does become more exciting and unique the further you get in the story. So I honestly congratulate you on your plot. I don't have much to say about it, except for that I really like it.

Miscellaneous - A very enjoyable story to read. Somewhat cliché at the beginning, but it becomes more unique the further you read. The characters each have their own unique voice. While this story has some minor grammatical errors, and the description could use some works, it's overall a good story.

Greetings,

luciferspinkwings