Judge: luciferspinkwings

Contestant: Anna_Enchant

Title: Love in the shade of mafia

Genre: Romance

Score: 3.24/5

Review:

Title/cover/description - I really love your cover and how it fits with the title and description, it gives it a somewhat dark and forbidden feel which I honestly adore. Maybe your title is a bit on the long side, I generally try to keep my own titles 2/3 words, but this is probably just my own preference.

The description is good but there are a few small minor errors.

In the first sentence. Instead of using a comma, I would recommend you to use a dot. It just suits the flow a bit better - especially since 'two' is constantly with a capital letter. And with 'she was supposed to secure her', consider changing her to herself. And in the last sentence before the row of '*', try ending those two sentences with question marks. It fits the context and flows better.

It is an awesome description overall. I do feel like you overused the exclamation marks and question marks a bit, but that's nothing too big to worry about. It is clear where the story will be about and what to expect as a reader, so great job on that!

The beginning - I really liked how you started your prologue with trying to explain love. To me, it gives the story a certain personal touch of the author and it's refreshing to see - I personally haven't seen that many romance stories which start that way. I also liked how you started the first chapter with a quote, it gives the story yet another personal touch. Great job on that!

I really loved the emotion you put in your story and how you brought your characters into it.

How is a person 'scared to death' though from receiving only a glare? The description and explanation are already good, but it can be even better. Try adding some more emotions and try to describe those 'dark auras' hanging around them using sinister and eerie words to describe it. It would catch the attention of your readers more and keep them on the edge of their seats.

Detail - Something I am personally fascinated about is the switch the father makes from 'sweet' to 'dangerous' in the first chapter. You only really explained it in a sentence or so. But maybe you could try adding some more description and emotion to it to make your audience FEEL it. How does your character react to it? Does a shiver go down her spine? Does she get goosebumps? Her mom also seems to be in that room so you can maybe also consider giving her a sentence. And how about the dad? How are those changes visible to him to make him appear more 'dangerous' next to the change of tone from his voice? Is it a certain look in his eyes? His body language? By adding more detail to your descriptions the story will be more vivid for your audience to imagine. Describe their emotions more in-depth to make it more realistic and tangible.

Give your readers something they can relate to - even if it's just a certain emotion. It makes your characters more real and in-depth.

Character development - I really love how the relationship between the mc and the parents were described. It was honestly sweet how her dad became softer once his daughter was born and it kinda melted my heart. Well done!

When you bring in the male mc a bit more description would be nice; you could always start with trying to describe his smile and eyes maybe (you could use metaphors if you want).

Grammar/spelling - I noticed that you occasionally mixed its and it's up. So I will explain that in an easy way to you.

It's is short for 'it is' or 'it has'. This is a 100% rule. It cannot be used for anything else.

If you cannot expand it's to 'it is' or 'it has' in your sentences, then it is wrong.

Its is like 'his' and 'her'. (They are all possessive adjectives). (Example; 'The shark chases its prey through the coral.')

If you struggle with grammar (for whatever reason really) you can always get an editor to help you out, or if you have something against that there are also a lot of sites and apps that can help you. A few examples are Thesaurus and Grammarly. Microsoft Word also has a built-in grammar and spelling check.

Plot - It seems like a rather fascinating plot to me and there are a lot of possibilities with this story. There are a lot of options for gut-wrenching plot twists and life-changing scenes. It's incredible.

Miscellaneous - It is a very enjoyable story to read and a privilege to judge. The description can use some extra words, as well as the emotions within the story, but it's nothing a few edits and a few extra sentences won't be able to fix. I really liked this story.

Greetings,

luciferspinkwings