Book: Happy Ending by Oluwrachael

Judge: KainAlexander

For: Mystic Awards 2018

This is honestly one of the more polished pieces of the story that I could see. The cover is very well crafted, if a touch on the generic side. The title, as well, is fitting for a romance story, albeit not particularly stand-out. The synopsis is where I have to dock some points, as there are several grammatical errors, which doesn't give the best impression to a first time reader.

The opening line is really strong and grabs the reader's attention, but alas, that's the only credit I have to give in this section. The pacing of everything in this story is way too swift, with barely any real time given to character interactions or development. Given that this is a romance, that is a cardinal sin. Compounding this is the fact that the formatting and grammar really don't have any consistency, which makes it difficult to tell who's talking, what's happening, and when it's happening. Giving credit where it is due, there are bones of an interesting plot here, but with the too-swift pace and the bizarre formatting style, it's not allowed to develop.

This is the place where the story struggles the most. Many of the grammar and syntax errors present here would suggest someone whose native language is not English. Even so, I must emphasize the importance of having a second set of eyes look over and proofread work before it is posted. If even so much as one extra native speaker laid eyes on it before it was posted, many of my above gripes about the bizarre formatting (particularly in terms of dialogue) would be fixed. I would love to be more charitable here, but I have to be honest: the technique and delivery really hampers reader enjoyment. It needs thorough looking over and correction.

Once again, I wish I could be more charitable in my words, but this is yet another place where the core idea is held back. This appears to be set in a place where the film industry is really active, but the actual location is never really established. Even at that, there has been very little research conducted about the film industry as a whole. Yes, it would be difficult for a character like Louis, who is mute, to find work in film, but it would not be as impossible and cruel as the author tries to portray. Because the characters are all rich (and yes, I extend that judgment to even Louis, because the image of his house shown in place of any description was far nicer than a 'poorer boy's home would ever be), and there's not much examination of the setting beyond the characters flitting through it, I find very little to relate to, as they've only been given bare bones characterization to make them more interesting.

Here, once again, I find it very difficult to offer much in the way of praise. I'll restrict my focus to the characters of Joanna, Mishael, and Louis, as they are the only ones that are given enough screen time to establish any real substance to them. For Joanna, one of the best things I can say about her is that she was at least given some agency in expressing physical attraction. Other than that, she reads as a generic socialite with too much time and money on her hands. If she, too, is an actress, then more needs to be shown of her acting, rather than simply interacting with drivers, handlers, her father, and her love interests. 

 Mishael is a paint by numbers bad boy who has enough of a veneer of class to fool Joanna's father into trying to set her up with him. His behavior- mainly getting drunk and having sex with some other girl simply because Joanna so much as kissed another man- implies a lot of really abusive tendencies that would make choosing him an absolutely ridiculous choice, especially when he's put next to the more mild-mannered and sweet Louis. I've no problem with 'bad boys' as a character archetype, or even getting into his head. But his behavior and the fact that this is a romance with a love triangle involved gives me this horrible gut instinct that Joanna will somehow go for him instead, which would, realistically, spell disaster. 

 As for Louis, he's probably the character I found the most interesting and enjoyed the most of the three mains. He has something of a playful side, but is mostly sweet and nice, even if he does make the rather more aggressive move of kissing Joanna after they nearly fall on top of each other. The fact that he is canonically disabled, being mute, is a nice touch, but not much is made of it other than it complicating communication and adding a sense of tragedy to his dream of becoming an actor. That he, too, is into acting, gives him something more with which he can relate to Joanna, but I really hesitate to say it's a good thing if it's only used to show other people being cruel to him. 

Based off of the author's own words, this was only their second book, and it really, truly shows. Despite the strong criticisms I've offered here, I must restate that there are certainly bones of a good idea here. It just needs help to get to the surface. The first thing I would suggest is reaching out to someone to serve as a proofreader/editor. That would help to clear up a lot of the grammar and technique errors. Secondly, I would highly recommend deciding precisely where you want the story to be set and doing some more research on the film industry. (Since one of your main characters is disabled, I'd also recommend looking up some articles about actors with disabilities.) Thirdly, I'd take a closer look at each of your characters and really examine what makes them who they are. There are many character development questionnaires floating on the internet that can be used for this purpose. Taking a bit more time to really establish who these people are and why they are the way they are would help give the story more depth. Lastly, as nice as many of the visual elements are, I really have to discourage over-reliance on them. Visuals should serve as an enhancement to the experience, not something that is necessary to understand what's going on or where people are. To use a picture in place of any sort of description comes across as a lack of effort, whether or not that was the intent. 

 I'd encourage you to keep practicing with your writing. Looking up some style guides might also prove beneficial, especially if you're really wanting to write a romance. On that note, slower pacing in the romance usually makes it feel a bit more real. It doesn't have to be an outright slow burn, but taking a bit more time before rushing right into the kiss would help establish things a bit better. Best of luck on your writing journey.