Chapter 04: 1/1 FREESIA

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"You may think...you wanna die...
When all you really want...
Is to start living"

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"I'm afraid to leave my spot since you can come here any time."

-V.
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JENNIE POV.

I'm not scared of getting left behind because i don't have anyone in the first place. I'm not scared of getting hurt because i would never let that happen in the first place.

For almost two decades, i learnt to build a sturdy wall around me: a tall, unbreakable wall with no doors, window or anything to get in it. I won't let anyone break that wall without my permission. My idea of being brave is to be alone.

'I'm not coward. I am strong and just self-dependent.'

"Let's meet tomorrow on the playground?" He said to me i don't know if i will go or not.

"Okay."

I know that the blind guy is in his usual spot on the playground. But i don't want to go outside to talk to him or anything and it's not like i promised that I'll be there.

I swore to myself that i won't let anyone in my life. So why did i said that to the blind guy? Why did i proposed to become friend? I just desperate for a company? Do i pity him? Did i saw myself in him?

'I don't know.'

I hug my knees close to my chest.

'I don't know anymore.'

I stare at the wall across me. I stare at it for a while without blinking. Soon, my eyelids began to feel heavy.

I'm come back to my sense when i smell the tingling scent of the rain and the sound of gentle raindrops on my window. I sit up slowly on my bed and rub my eyes slightly.

'Rain...?'

My eyes widen. I immediately look at the playground through on my window. I frown when i saw him on the swing, his clothes are all wet.

'Why is he still there? And how long was it raining?'

I instinctively grab an umbrella and head towards the door. I abruptly stop just when i reach towards the doorknob.

What do you think you're doing Jennie? Earlier you're thinking that you don't want to see him and now you want to give this umbrella to him? Don't you think you're being unfair? What if it didn't rain? Are you willing going outside? You're so complicated Jennie.

I grip the doorknob tightly and release it with a sigh.

'I... made a mistake.'

I grip the doorknob again.

'I'm his friend now. I won't run away anymore.'

Another voice inside of my growls quietly.

'And what about the wall you built? Are you going to let that guy in?'

I pause for a sec.

'I don't know.'

And i rush outside.

I didn't hesitate to run to him and open the umbrella for him. He slowly looks up; his hair is drenched with rain. My heart clenched slightly when he smiled brightly up to me.

"You're finally here." He said while smiling at me.

"Why didn't you find a shelter? Why did you let yourself get soaked in the rain?" I said while looking at him to be honest with a glare way but this is also my fault i made him wait.

"I was waiting for you." He said with a gentle look on his face.

"I'm afraid to leave my spot since you can come here any time." I purse my lips and look down.

"Were you... How long were you sitting here under the rain?" I said. He shook his head.

"I'm sure you'll feel bad if i tell you so I won't."

'Then that mean he's waiting for so long.'

Guilt hit me.

"I'm sorry." I said i look down. He shook his head and said.

"Don't be." His deep voice is full of warmth.

"I know that i'm not you priority list so you don't have to feel bad about forgetting our agreement." I bite my lower lip.

"But...I'm your friend." His cheerful face dropped a little. His expression turns into a daze.

"I've been thinking..." his tone become quiet.

"...maybe you asked me to become your friend is because you think i'm pathetic, that you only said that to prevent me from jumping off the building after hearing my words." He looks up at me with a forced smile.

"You don't have to be my friend. Don't worry, i won't do it again. You don't have to force yourself to be friend to me." I didn't realize that the rain finally stopped. I stare diretly at him as he hangs his head low.

He's so obvious though. I can tell just from his expression that he wants me to be his friend, his companion. I quietly close the umbrella and place it on the ground.

He looks up, sensing my movements. I remove my sweater and place it on his head.

"Wipe yourself with that, you might get sick." I said casually.

"And yeah, you're right. Maybe i only said that since i pity you. But that doesn't mean that i don't want to be you friend." I exhale loudly.

"Now that i think about it, i'm the pitiful one. I turned back from my words. I'm scared of getting attached to you and ruin the wall i built for so long and get hurt in the end..." I pause a little and look up the sky.

"I'm honetly scared." I laugh silently.

"...because this is my first time following my instincts and not in my mind."

'I don't know what will happen if i become friends with this guy. I'm so out of my mind. I don't even know what i'm doing anymore. Yes, sometimes it is better to be alone because no one can hurt me. But...'

I look at the person in front of me.

'...i feel like i can trust him.'

"Let's...take this friendship slowly. Let's not rush things and get to know each other first, okay?" I reach out my hand to him.

"I'm Jennie, and you're...?" He sensed my outstretched hand and gingerly takes it into small handshake.

"I'm V." He said.

And smile.

"V?" I said.

"Yeah, that's what i'm named." She said. I nod and smile.

"So who's X and Y?" I said jokingly. He tilts his head to the side and frowns slightly. It seems like he doesn't get my joke or it's just my sense of humor is bad.

"Nevermind." In order to escape the dept of life. One must learn to swim to be able to breath the fresh air again.

He might be drowning in the ocean and i've drowning in the sea. We can't save each other from drowning; but can be the reason to learn how to swim again.

Only me, myself, can help myself to breath the air and not the water.

"Now, why don't you go home first and change your clothes? You might catch a cold..."

"Shall i come back here after that?" He asks with an eager expression.

"Let's..." i pause for a moment.

'...go out for a coffee and get to know each other.'

I want to say that to him, but remembered that i don't have any freedom to go wherever i want since they have... their eyes everywhere.

"...have coffee here?" I said.

He smile.

"...coffee?"

I nod

"Yeah, do you like coffee?"

"Mm, not really. I don't like bitter things."

"But, i will try it." He smiles genuinely and i can't help but to return it.

"Don't worry, I'll make your coffee sweet." I said.

"Thanks."

"Now go and change your cothes." He giggles.

"Yes, ma'am" he picks up his cane and stands up.

"Bring this." I pick up the umbrella and hand it over him.

"It might be rain again." He smiles faintly.

"Thank you." I nod.

"Well, i shall get going." He said i nod again

"Be safe." And he began to walk while tapping his cane on the ground.

'Wow, blind people are amazing. They know how to go somewhere just by using their cane.'

I sit down on the swing where he sat. I can't help but to think about what happened earlier.

I smiled.

I slowly touch my cheek.

'I smiles sincerely... for the first time.'

I can't help but to smile again

'I smiles. Wow...i can't believe it.'

I suddenly touch my heart when i feel something i am not used to it.

'W-why does my heart feels like this. Why do i feel like this? Like my body feels so light and tingly.'

I also feel my eyes becoming teary.

'Why... i'm so confused.'

I pause for a while.

'Is this... happiness?'

Another voice of me spoke up.

'But isn't it too soon to be happy? And what if i get used to this feeling? I'm afraid once i get used to this, i might look for it every now and then And the wall that i built...might collapse. And... i'll get hurt again if that happens.'

I sight and close my eyes.

'This is what i'm talking about once i try to become friends with that guy, i mean, V. I'll start thinking about what might happen to me if i become too close to someone. I'm not emotionally and mentally ready yet.'

I smack my lips

'I'll just make coffee for us.'

I stand up and head towards my apartment.

'It's a good thing he's blind so he can't see these scars.'

I touch my arms with full of scars.

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