“Don't forget: you must not move, and you must be relaxed. If you follow those instructions, everything will go well.”

The doctor smiled at Taylor and helped her cross her arms under her head. She sighed and looked up, feeling the machine purring. She had to be examined several times, so the doctors could finally figure out what was going on inside her. She was lying down on the uncomfortable white mattress, which reminded her more of a tray. Knowing that she had to go through a narrow tunnel, she tried to lie still, not really wanting to have an arm ripped off.

Though the doctor told her to keep calm, she could only feel otherwise. Cramped in that awful machine, with the fear of the final diagnosis, away from John and Robert, how could she even be able to feel relaxed? Everything was going wrong. She had just given birth to her first child, who she already cherished as much as John, and she was not here for him. It was the very beginning of his life, and she was away. How could she even tolerate such a thing? She did not want to be like her relatives, who never cared for their family.

As the machine eventually started to move, she closed her eyes and sighed.

“I'm going to explode.”

--------------------------------------

Inside the Deacons' house, baby Robert was peacefully resting in his father's arms, staring at him curiously. Who was this man looking at him with this wide smile? Without knowing why or how, Robert felt incredibly comfortable with this man, who was taking care of him during the previous days. He felt loved, but still, he was confused. Where was the woman who took care of him like that before?

John was grinning at his son, tenderly stroking his head, feeling the tiny and silky dark hair growing there. The baby yawned, making his heart leap in his chest. His son was such a treasure. The baby caught one of his fingers, clenching his tiny ones around it. John chuckled and kissed Robert's forehead.

Although he felt relaxed and very happy to be with his son, which actually was true, he felt completely empty inside. Since the incident that night, he had seen Taylor awake only twice, and it was driving him mad. He could not stand seeing her with those nasal cannulas that ruined her gorgeous face. Besides, knowing that she was likely to have another cancer, much more dangerous this time, made him feel like dying. If there was a god somewhere, he could take everything from him: his fame, his skills, his house, his career, his car, his clothes, his food, his oxygen. But never his Taylor and their son.

John sighed, as he felt tears coming to his eyes. No, he could not cry. He was with his son, the apple of his eyes, how could he even cry?

But it was Taylor. How could he not?

An unexpected ring interrupted his flow of thoughts. He looked all around him to try to remember where this ring came from. Was it the door? The telephone? It rang a second time, and this time it was sure. It was the door.

John carefully put down Robert in his cot, kissing his forehead tenderly.

“Daddy's leaving for a few minutes, okay?”

He smiled and ran out of the baby's bedroom, heading for the front door. He unlocked the door, seeing that he left the keys in the keyhole. When he opened it, he saw three figures standing there, with worried expressions on their faces, in spite of their grins.

“Hello, Deaky” one of them said.

“Hi, Roger” John replied. “Hi Freddie and Brian.”

“Are we disturbing anything?” Brian asked. “We came over just to check if you needed anything, like... buying some food, or taking care of the baby.”

“Oh, no, I guess I have all I need here. Thanks anyway” he smiled, touched by their intentions. “Don't stay there, come in!”

John stepped aside to let them in. Freddie came in first, hugging his friend at the same time, patting his back lightly, with a joyless lopsided smile. Then came Roger and Brian, who did the same. John showed them the way to the living room, making them sit.

“Would you like anything to drink?” he asked, scratching the side of his nose. “I have beer, vodka, whiskey, tequila and rum.”

“Deaky” Freddie whispered, “it's not even ten in the morning.”

“I'm sorry, I'm a bit... lost. Would you prefer some tea? Coffee? Chocolate?”

“I'll have a glass of milk, please” Brian smiled. “Do you need any help?”

“No, thanks, Bri. Rog? Freddie?”

“Coffee for me” the singer answered, nodding lightly and pouting.

“Two!” the drummer followed.

John nodded and smiled lightly, spinning round to walk to the kitchen. He turned on the cafetiere, making it roar lightly. He grabbed two cups in his cabinet, along with a glass. The coffee pot being full, he poured the hot and dark liquid into the two cups, before walking to the fridge, taking out the bottle of milk, serving a glass for Brian.

He brought the whole to the living room on Taylor's favourite tray. He had never really understood why she loved this old tray this much, but as it was her favourite, it was his too. Moreover, it felt like she was with them in a certain way. He put it down on the living room table, giving to each of his friends the beverage they asked for. Then, he sat next to Brian and crossed his arms, his back not even touching this of the couch.

Roger frowned and looked at John, noticing how exhausted he looked. The only times he saw him in such a state was on tour, when they would stay awake for days.

“John” he whispered “you don't drink anything?”

“What? Uh, no, thanks. I'm not really thirsty.”

“Did you eat this morning?”

“I'm not hungry.”

John's three friends shared worried looks, pulling faces and shaking their heads to communicate without John understanding what they meant. Freddie cleared his throat and stretched out his arm to put his cup on the tray.

“Deaky, you know we all like you a lot, you're our bestfriend, and all...”

“Yeah, I guess...”

“Come on! Of course we do! Anyway, we understand that you're going through very hard times, with Taylor being ill for no reason, and having to take care of your son alone. I know, I've never been in this situation, but I love Taylor as much as I love you, and it hurts me too to know she's in such a state. But I don't worry for her only, I do for you too. I don't want you to let yourself die.”

“Freddie's right” Brian nodded “you should eat something, try to force yourself a bit. Your body needs this food. You need strength. I'm sure that Taylor would tell you the same thing right now.”

“But she's not here!” John snapped.

A heavy silence fell in the room, making everybody feel uncomfortable. John sighed and buried his face in his hands, shaking his head lightly. He sat up a bit and rested a hand on Brian's shoulder.

“I'm sorry, mate. I didn't mean to be aggressive. I'm just... completely empty since it happened. Everything was alright, goddammit! She had her kidney removed, and then she gave birth to Robert! Was it too much to ask to live normally after that?”

“It seems like it was, unfortunately” Roger sighed. “Do you have any news for the diagnosis?”

John nodded and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to find a way to tell them. He wished to spit it out, so he could ease himself, but they had feelings too, and Taylor was important for each of them too.

“Doctors think she's likely to have lung cancer.”

“What?!” Roger exclaimed.

“Unfortunately” John sighed. “What she had was a pleural effusion, she had her lungs full of water. It made her choke.”

“Oh, I heard about that when I was in college” Brian said, scratching his curls. “It isn't very pretty.”

“It's something she'll keep forever. I know that this morning she's having some more examinations to confirm the hypothesis or not. They're going to check if she has any tumor, you know. Awful things.”

“Fuck...” Freddie spat, covering his face with his hands, letting himself crash against the back of the couch he shared with Roger. “This is not fucking fair.”

John shrugged and felt the tears coming back. He shook his head and took a deep breath, coughing. Suddenly, crying coming from the other edge of the corridor sounded in the whole house.

“Excuse me, I'm going to get Robert” John apologised.

“Do you need help?” Brian asked with a smile.

“No, thanks.”

John patted his friend's shoulder and stood up, running up to Robert's bedroom. He picked up the baby from his cot and rocked him a bit. As soon as he found himself in his father's arms, Robert stopped crying and babbled. John smiled, kissing his son, and slowly walked back to the living room, taking the baby's cuddly toy along.

When Freddie saw the baby, his lips stretched into a broad smile.

“Oh, my lovely godson! He's so handsome!”

John chuckled and handed the baby to Freddie, who greeted him tenderly, kissing his forehead. He settled Robert carefully in his arms, taking the cuddly toy and making it touch the tip of his nose, then this of the baby's. The three others were watching the scene with smiles on their faces.

While Freddie was staring at his godson, Roger emptied his cup of coffee and put it down on the table, clearing his throat.

“John, I would like to tell you something.”

“What is it?”

“Whenever you or Taylor or Robert need anything, you can call me. I will be there anytime for you. If you want me to go to the grocery store to buy some items, just give me a list and I'll go. If Taylor needs to go to the chemist's for some medicines and she can't go, call me and give me the prescription, I'll go. If Robert needs to be looked after or taken care of while you and Taylor are out, or at the hospital, I can come or take him to my house.”

“Same goes for me” Brian said. “If you really think we're going to let you down, you're horribly wrong!”

“Thanks, but...”

“No but, darling!” Freddie interrupted. “If you need anything, even a stupid thing like toilet paper, we'll help. And if you struggle financially because of the treatments, I won't hesistate to give you some money.”

John looked at each of his friends, feeling his cheeks turn warmer. His eyes filled with tears, but this time, he did not manage to hold them back.

--------------------------------------

Taylor sighed and scratchd her cheek. There she was, alone in her room again, with nothing to do. She did not have any book or magazine, all the programmes on the television sounded awful, and she did not have any crossword to do.

Her examinations for the day were over, and now, she was only waiting for the results. Knowing that it would take too long, she felt desperate. She was tired of hospitals. Always wandering in the corridors to do a scanner here, x-ray there, ultrasound in that room, basic checkups in another... What a bore.

She was fed up of those cold white rooms, which are supposed to reassure you, according to the nurses, but which actually made you feel awful and about to die, even when it was not the case. She wanted to go out, spend some time with John abroad, kiss Robert and see him grow up, laugh about silly things with Suzy, and dance with Freddie, Brian and Roger. Was it too much to ask? She wanted to go back home and feel safe near her family.

Taylor sighed once again and turned her head on her right. She noticed the red button used to call the nurses. She pulled a face and imitated the very haughty nurse that took care of her when she arrived.

“Don't forget: if you push the button once, it means that you need something not that urgent. If you press it many times, it means that you're having something serious. Don't make us run for nothing, huh?”

She rolled her eyes and shook her head, reaching out to the button, which she pressed a few times. She crossed her arms and waited. She was far from being in a good mood, and she was determined to reach her goal.

A hurried nurse knocked at the door and burst in, her hair all dishevelled from running through the corridors.

“What's happening, madam?”

“Fucking send me back home.”