I was quiet the whole time we rode to Shinkyo. Everyone was on the edge. Mila and the elders were also very frightened and people came to know of my pregnancy...

I was in Arashi's chamber sitting on the bed. Kora and Calla had already changed me to a light clothing. They were cleaning the room.

Everyone was quiet.

As soon as Arashi entered, he nodded at the maids and they left the room.

I looked at him, my heart was in turmoil as I leant toward him. He wrapped his hands around me in and held me to his chest.

I was exhausted now and I wanted nothing more than to take a rest as I closed my eyes and my lips quivered, remembering the events.

He said, "I have already sent everyone to pursue the culprit. Don't worry... We will find him..."

But that wasn't the problem...

I asked, "And what will we do once we find him?"

He said, "I believe it is someone from the inside so I will squish out the name from his mouth."

So, he was aware that it was someone from our own family...

I buried my face and asked, "And what will you do if you find it was someone from really close?"

"I'll kill him."

I knew it...

My tears started to fall as I wasn't sure what to do.

I started to sniff as he pulled away and took my chin in his palms. He tilted my head up as he said, "Bianka... Don't cry. I know I failed you as I had promised to protect you but..."

I was still crying because I was frightened. It wasn't his fault because he was doing his job. I knew I could trust him with all my might but I couldn't trust other...

I trusted Shinkyo and its people but not Wansai... How would I live there?

I sniffed as I said, "I want to go back to Godoyama... Take me back. I don't want to stay here... I hate it." My palms clenched tightly against Arashi's shirt as I said, my voice shaking, "They want to take my baby away..."

Arashi looked at me for a moment, his face was dark as he clenched his jaw. "Didn't you say you want to do something for people?"

I knew I said it but... I wasn't sure anymore...

He added, "But the fact is, even if you want to do good for people the consequences won't always be good for you. That's how the world works, Bianka."

Now, I knew...

I knew how hard it was to do good for people. But how am I able to do anything if my baby's life was in the line.

If only we had never come to Wansai. Then Daichi wouldn't do that... Rose wouldn't have to suffer again...

It was funny that I wanted to do something for the sake of Rose and now, I had to do something that would hurt Rose...

If only we were there. Forever. Any of these wouldn't happen...

Arashi could read my thoughts on my face as his face hardened and he said, "I'm afraid, we can't go back."

I was shocked as I looked up and asked, "What do you mean?"

"I have already given my word to my grandfather. We can't go now." He said, his eyes blazing fire.

My voice almost raised as I said, "Then you want the enemies to kill me and your child?"

Was the empire had more value than me and his child? My heart started to break apart.

"What do you want me to do? Run away like a coward?" He asked, veins popping out on his forehead.

"But what if they kill our child... What will you do?" I argued back.

He looked at me as if I was trying to go away from him, his eyes felt painfully sad as he took a hard breath.

"Bianka, my family is in great danger." He looked at me as if he wanted me to understand his situation, "Rei is in great danger. My grandfather had been attempted to kill." His eyes didn't leave mine as he shook his head, "I can't leave. Not now..."

And it made me hurt because he wasn't thinking about us...

I asked, "You want to stay here and protect them and what about us?"

My cheeks were wet as my heart felt a pang. Not because I wanted him to choose me and not his family, but because I was a coward.

I said, "I know you want me to be strong but I'm not as strong as you think I am and I'm so sorry for that. I am ashamed of myself but it is how a mother is like? I can leave everything for my child and even if they tell me that I'm a coward I will be happy to live as a coward."

He immediately came near as he wrapped me in his embrace. His hard chest was enough to make me tumble on him. His warmth was enough to melt me in his hands.

He said, "Bianka, you are not a coward."

He patted on my back and shoulder as he placed a kiss on my head. "You are just scared and I'm scared too. I know you want to run away and believe me I would want to run away but I can't..."

He looked down at me as our eyes met. I knew how much burdens he was carrying right now. And it made me feel ashamed of myself.

I was just so scared that I wanted us to run away not thinking about Rei, Noya, grandfather emperor and grandmother empress...

He said, "I can't just abandon my family and I can't abandon you."

He took a long breath as he said, "Please, stay by my side..."

And that time, I felt so miserable. I had been so selfish that I forgot everyone around me. How could I call myself Arashi's wife if I couldn't able to stay by his side and fight with him. If I can't even fight for everyone to protect them, how would I repay all the kindness they had shown me. The care they had showered me with.

I recalled Mila, Hiroshi, Kairo, Hana, Koji, the elders and the people of Shinkyo. They had been with me, staying by me yet what was I going to do?

I was about to run away from everything...

I looked at Arashi as he was still looking at me with a pair of pleading eyes. I knew he was being strong because I had been staying with him but if I run away, he would break. How could I do this to him?

How could I do this to the person I loved the most in this whole world.

More than that, I had promised him that I would stay by his side but what I was doing? I was trying to leave him when everyone was there to kill him and his entire family. He was surrounded by enemies but I was trying to run away.

I cried and hugged him tightly as I buried my face in his chest. "I'm so sorry. I am so worthless right now..."

"You're not worthless... It's okay to be scared sometimes..." He said in a gentle voice as he once again placed a kiss on my head.

"Then give me some time... I am just so tired and scared that I don't want to go anywhere..." I said with a tired voice as he nodded and said, "Okay..."

I was scared, tired and unsure but one thing I decided was that I would not run like a coward.

If the enemies came, I would have to fight till the end.

Even if it meant it was a person really close to my heart...

'Please, forgive me, Rose...' I said in my mind as tears started to fell...

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4th March, 23
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