A lot of these are the basic af ones you see a lot, some I made up just cuz

Philza: Do you ever want to talk about your feelings Techno?
Techno: No
Tommy: I want to talk about my feelings!
Philza: I know Tommy
Tommy: Im sad!
Philza: I know Tommy

Ranboo: whats the fear of chainsaws called?
Purpled: Fucking common sense
Tubbo: *looks up from his book* Arkoudaphobia
Tommy: ... What happens when you don't have that phobia?
Purpled: then your either stupid or insane. Either way I won't trust you with chainsaws any time soon

Philza: Good morning!
Techno: Mornin.
Wilbur: Good morn
Tommy: you all sound like robots. Spice it up a little!
Tubbo: PLEASANT MORNING FUCKERS

Young Tommy: Mr.Shlatt? Whats an achoholic (i cant spell the word im sorry lol)
Schlatt: well Tommy, you see those two sheep over there? An achoholic would see four.
Young Tommy:... theres only one sheep?

Tommy: *stares at Ranboo*
Tommy: If looks could kill you would already have lost all your canon lives by now.
Ranboo:.. Tommy if looks could kill your death message would have stated you were slain by an imposible amount of people.
Tubbo: no no, hes got a point

Tommy: what would happen if someone ate three raw eggs?
Ranboo: They would probably die.
Tubbo: *from of the other room* DID YOU ASK HIM YET?!
Ranboo: ... please dont tell me you guys-
Tommy: By any chance do you know how far the nearest hospital is?
Ranboo: *disappointed parental like sigh*

Tommy and Purpled: *eating the last powdered donuts*
Tubbo: *knocks on wardrobe door* what are you doing in there
Purpled:..uh- Drugs

*caramelldansen plays in the background*
Tommy singing along: ONE TWO SEVEN THREE MY FATHER DOES NOT LOVE ME AND NOR DOES ANYONE IN MY FAMILY
Ranboo: *Concerned motherly noises*

Purpled: THE FLOOR IS LAVA! *jumps onto the sofa*
Tubbo: *pushes Ranboo off the sofa as a joke*
Ranboo: my time has come
Tubbo: *dramatically* Ranboo NOOOOOOO

Tubbo: Welcome to Tubbees! Would you like the Tub or the Bees?
Wilbur: Bee's?
Tubbo: HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEES
Wilbur: wait no I didnt-
Tommy: *rapidly approaching with a jar of angry bees*

Tubbo: Yo is Tommy sleeping or dead?
Ranboo: Hopefully dead, I hated his guts.
Purpled: Yeah, so did I.
Tommy getting up: Okay first of all, fuck you-

Tubbo, banging on the door: Tommy! Open up!
Tommy: Well, it all started when I was a kid...
Purpled: No, he meant-
Ranboo: Let him finish.

Cop: You're receiving a ticket for having three people on one motorcycle.
Tubbo: Shit.
Tommy: Wait, three?
Cop: Yeah?
Purpled: OH MY GOD RANBOO FELL OFF!!!

Tubbo: How's the sexiest person here~?
Ranboo: I don't know, how are they~?
Tubbo, flustered: I-
Tommy, from across the room: I'm doing great, thanks!
FOR THE RECORD THIS ONE IS A JOKE- THIS IS HOW THEY JOKE YOU SHIPPING LITTLE TURDS (AND THOSE TURDS WHO WANNA GET MAD FOR NO REASON-)

Dream, negotiating with Tommy: We have Ranboo. Give us ten thousand dollars and he will be returned to you unharmed
Ranboo: Whoa, whoa, wait, you think I'm only worth ten thousand dollars?
Dream & Tommy: ...
Ranboo: MAKE IT ONE MILLION–
Tommy: RANBOO STOP

Tubbo, in a high voice, holding barbie: hey ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!
Tommy, in a deep voice, holding ken: nonsense, barbie. you're staying home and having my kids
Ranboo: what the heck are you guys doing?
Tubbo: playing systemic oppression

Tubbo: I can't believe you live nearby, and you won't let anyone crash at your place.
Tommy: You people already know too much about me.
Purpled: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won't let any of us crash at your place

Ranboo: What time is it?
Tommy: I don't know; pass me that saxophone and we'll find out
Tommy: *Plays sax loudly and extremely out of tune*
Wilbur: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING
Tommy: It's 2 am

Revivebur: What's up guys? I'm back.
Tommy: What the- you can't be here. You're dead. I literally saw you die.
Revivebur: Death is a social construct.

Dadza: Okay, truth or dare?
Techno: Truth
Dadza: How many hours have you slept this week?
Techno:
Techno: ...Dare
Dadza: Go to bed.
Techno: I don't like this game.

Wilbur, going over Techno's resume: Okay, so right here, it states that you're creative.
Techno: Yes
Wilbur: Okay... may I know what you create?
Techno: Problems.
Wilbur: No-

Wilbur, addressing the sbi: And if you have any suggestions feel free to put them in the suggestion box.
Dadza: But – that's just a trash can.
Wilbur: It sure is!

Tommy: It's dark in here
Ranboo: Don't worry dude I got this
Ranboo: *Stomps his feet*
Ranboo: *Skechers light up*

Tommy: I slept for almost 12 hours but I might still be tired so lets go for 12 more just incase.
Dadza: Tommy, that's a coma-
Tommy: Sounds festive.

Puffy: You often use humor to deflect trauma
Tommy: Thank you
Puffy: I didn't say that was a good thing
Tommy: What I'm hearing is, you think I'm funny

Wilbur: Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween! It's terrible for the environment!
Techno: Yeah! Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly!

Ranboo: This is such a bad idea.
Purpled: Then why are you coming along?
Ranboo: One of us need to be able to talk the cops out of arresting us when this inevitably goes wrong.

Tommy: *Posts a super low-quality image to the group chat*
Purpled: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I'd have 15 cents
Tommy: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you
Ranboo: Actually I did the math, Purpled would have $225, not $0.15.
Purpled: Fam I'm right here....
Tubbo: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :)
Tommy: while you're there could you buy me an apply juice please?
Tubbo: Sorry I only have a dollar
Tommy: :(
Ranboo: Hey I just realized my friend is right, Purpled would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent
Tubbo: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice
Ranboo: You can buy anything you want with $22,500
Wilbur : Yeah and he wants soda and apply juice
Ranboo: Apply juice to what
Techno: Directly to the forehead
Purpled: Great chat everyone

Tommy: Time for plan G.
Wilbur: Don't you mean plan B?
Tommy: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.
Ranboo: What about plan D?
Tommy: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.
Tubbo: What about plan E?
Tommy: I'm hoping not to use it. Wilbur dies in plan E.
Techno: I like plan E.

Techno: HELP! I TOLD DADZA I'D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN'T COOK!
Wilbur, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?

Store Worker: Would a Mr. Minecraft please come to the front desk?
Dadza, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?
Store Worker: points to Wilbur and Techno
Store Worker: I believe they belong to you?
Wilbur and Techno, simultaneously: We got lost :(
Dadza: I didn't even bring you guys here with me-

Techno: Here's a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.
Dadza: Techno no.
Tommy: Mistlefoe.
Dadza: Please stop encouraging him-
Wilbur: I like that idea.
Dadza: Guys please-

*Tommy and Tubbo sitting in jail together*
Tubbo: So who should we call?
Tommy: I'd call Phil, but I feel safer in jail..

Wilbur: We need to open this locked door. Tommy, give me your credit card.
Tommy: Here.
Wilbur, pocketing it: Thanks. Techno, break down the door.

Purpled, Entering Ranboo's room: Tubbo did it again.
Ranboo: Peace disturbance?
Purpled: What no-
Tommy: Arson..?
Purpled: NO, JESUS CHRIST, HOW MANY-
Ranboo: uh....Attempted murder?
Purpled: NO, HE ATE ALL THE FOOD IN THE FRIDGE, BUT WHAT THE FU-

Dadza: You bought a taco?
Wilbur: Yes.
Dadza: From the same truck that hit Tommy?!
Wilbur, with a mouthful of taco: Well, me starving ain't gonna help him.

Ranboo: It's funny how well you and Tommy get along. Didn't he hate you at first?
Tubbo: Tommy hates everybody at first. It's his way of reaching out to people.

Young Tommy: I don't like bugs... Techno, are you even listening to me?
Teen Techno: I seem to have misplaced my ant farm...
Tommy, at Mumza: MOOOOOM!

Wilbur: *texting* Hey can you pick me up I'm drunk.
Wilbur: *texting* Oh you don't have to anymore. I'm home now.
Techno from right next to him: Yes, I'm aware of that after dropping you off at home.

Tommy: Dadza, we're hungry!
Techno: Phil! What's for dinner?
Ranboo: We're hungry, Dadza!
Wilbur: Feed us Dadza!
Dadza, frying a bottle of ketchup over the stove: *screams*

Tubbo: I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Techno's phone number just by choosing random numbers.

Purpled: Oh god, he texted you 'hi.'' punctuation only means one thing, Tommy. Hes mad at you.
Tommy: No, it's Tubbo. Hes just being gramatically correct!
*meanwhile*
Tubbo: And then I used a period so hed know that I'm mad at him.
Ranboo: A period doesn't say 'I'm mad', it says 'you're dead to me'.
Tubbo: I stand by my choice.

Wilbur in the kitchen: REESES PUFFS REESES PUFFS
Techno & Tommy from the living room: EATEM UP EATEM UP EATEM UP EATEM UP
Phil: *disappointed sigh*

1650 words

Finished: Idfk its been here for a while
Posted: 7 jan 2022 9:50