(Warning: 1 trigger word ahead...)

Toxicity is everywhere on the Internet!  It is as plain as daylight, but when someone has you blindly hanging out with a toxic user or a p3do, that draws the line for me.  I hate being played with or used by others (mentally and emotionally), but it happens anyway.  I hate when people decide to use my past mistakes (that I moved on from) to make me look a bad guy, but it happened to me anyway.  Twice...

I had people tell me that my autism is a crutch, but my parents called the people who said that jerks.  Why?  Because my parents gave birth to me and raised me since I was born.  They are the only people who know me, the real me.  Throughout the years they spent with me, they treated me like there was something special about me and helped me focus on handling problems I didn't know I had.  When they told me about my autism at age 12, I realized what was different about me compared to others around me and I used what my parents taught me to make me a better person.  It helps, and I have watched myself grow independently.

Overcoming challenges within my autism doesn't mean I am automatically a normal person without any disorders.  I trip from time to time, especially when dealing with my emotions and anxiety.  My mom calls autism a "disability," and my dad calls it a "different ability."  I see it in both ways, and it sometimes can be a problem.  For example, when I was first cyberbullied on the Internet, I had many problems.  My parents did not know about the situation because they went on a small trip by themselves.  When the incident happened, not only did I suddenly panic, I also neglected school for the rest of the week, cried almost all day, and began starving myself from the anxiety and depression.

Since autism makes me different from an "average" person, how I deal with drama (whether it is targeting me or not) is quite different.  When I remember incidents in the past that had hurt me mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, not only do the scenes of the past event replay, but the emotions I felt from the scene are being felt again.  I am scared of sharing that I keep feeling the bad events of the past every time I think about those memories because I do not want to make myself look like a "drama queen," after being called that once.  Because of that fear, I began teaching myself to bottle up the pain and suffering every time I feel it come around again.  It can go away for a while when a present event becomes exciting and adventurous, then the hurt and depression experienced from all the bottling up comes back again when the excitement is over.

Because I kept my emotions bottled up, I break down randomly or suddenly yell at someone because the bottle of hidden emotions shatters.  My mom encourages me to cry when I feel hurt for any reason because is it a "sign of healing."  I love the idea of crying as a way of healing, but hopes of crying everything out did not last for long.  Last few times my dad saw me cry for the reason of feeling emotionally hurt, he called me out for not acting like a "mature adult."  Because he said I have to "grow up" and "dry off those tears," I encouraged myself to bottle up my emotions even more.  I knew it was not healthy, so I began finding out the best ways for me to let out my emotions without anyone knowing.

Eventually, I found out that singing songs I adapt help me cope with the hurt and painful emotions and feelings I bottle up inside of me every day.  Whether they are positive or negative, they help me relax and remind me that I can be myself no matter what other think, say, or do.  Each adapted song I sing makes me feel different things, but I feel them taking away the emotional pain inside of me and I relieve myself.  Since this is a vent/rant book, I want to share one of my songs here and let go of my emotions that I am feeling against the toxic people and that includes manipulative backstabbers that once treated me like "family."

What are we doing here?
God, why does this happen to me?
In this, this stupid war,
My flesh battles my soul with pain.
I breathe deep, bottle it up;
So deep I fall and shatter.
Don't speak, just take a hint.
Leave now before you do something.

You can hate me, and I'll feel the same way.
You call me "sis," but I just feel nothing.
You proved to me your honesty's worthless.
Lord, help me!

Oh!
You're on the worst side of rock bottom,
And I hope that this will die off.
I don't care about your feelings
Because you stopped caring about me.
I'm on the best side of victory,
So you're quietly stabbing me
With the knives of hurt and drama
And you keep on doing it again.
Keep on doing it again.
Yes, you keep on doing it again.

You get inside my nerves
More than anyone ever does.
But when we communicate,
You drain me out until I break down.

You can hate me, and I'll feel the same way.
You call me "sis," but I just feel nothing.
You proved to me your honesty's worthless.
Lord, help me!

Oh!
You're on the worst side of rock bottom,
And I hope that this will die off.
I don't care about your feelings
Because you stopped caring about me.
I'm on the best side of victory,
So you're quietly stabbing me
With the knives of hurt and drama
And you keep on doing it again.
Keep on doing it again.
Yes, you keep on doing it again.

What are we doing here?
God, why does this happen to me?
In this, this stupid war,
My flesh battles my soul with pain.

Oh!
You're on the worst side of rock bottom,
And I hope that this will die off.
I don't care about your feelings
Because you stopped caring about me.
I'm on the best side of victory,
So you're quietly stabbing me
With the knives of hurt and drama
And you keep on doing it again.
Keep on doing it again.
And, you keep on doing it again.
Keep on doing it again.
Yes, you keep on doing it again.

Please do not judge me because I handle my problems differently from you, but this is what I enjoy doing to let out my problems without letting anyone know about it.  If you want more pieces like these and even one that includes a story behind it, please let me know.  I would enjoy sharing songs like these with good people like you.

Have a good day/night!

Published: 9/2/22