🐞MTOABB🐞

Do you ever just wonder back to the person you were a year ago, a month ago or even a day ago?

I can't believe I'm that same girl who cried in bed for a boy - not that I don't do it anymore, this time it was for a different boy. I knew exactly what I wanted, but life had a way of surprising me.

Am I happy?

Maybe a few hours ago, I would have said yes -- that this has been the happiest I've been in a long time. But no, I'm confused - the kind you want to creep into a corner and bawl into a fit of tears. But I am not sorry for myself - my choices - even when they didn't make sense, I made them.

"Rossita?"

Cass and I both turn to the sound of his voice. He called me even though she was standing next to me. I let it sink in. My eyelids close and I part my lips, inhaling and exhaling.

"I would like to talk to you in private, if that is okay with you, of course." His chocolate hair, a bit longer than usual, dances on his earlobe and I have the urge to tuck it behind his ear, but I don't.

I nod and we both saunter to the back door and out to the backyard. Green grass, clear blue sky -- the perfect combination for a lover's picnic.

"I wanted to apologize--" He places his hands in his front pocket. "...again." He adds.

"I'm over it, Zack."

"But, I'm not. It hurts seeing you with him - so this is me pouring my heart out to you."

I wish I heard these words when the timing was right - when my heart was closed off to any boy that wasn't Zack. It was all wishful thinking and I hated my mind for it.

"Zack..." I trail, pausing. I look away because even though I knew what it is I wanted to say, I didn't want the universe to hear.

"Do you think I can have one more kiss? I'll find closure on your lips and then I'll go..."

"maybe also..one more breakfast -- one more lunch," I add.

"...and one more dinner, I'll be full and happy." He takes a step forward.

"...and... we can part," I say, taking a step backwards.

I had to beg him that night to watch the movie with me, but he told me he wouldn't be able to focus if I was that close to him -- I guess boys have a way of surprising you.

"You're with Juliet now," I tell him.

"--because you pushed me away."

"Really?" I scoff.

"You're the one that called it quits," Zack says.

"Yes, but that was because I was hurt and I felt used and betrayed. But you weren't meant to move on until I was happy - you used to be my place of happiness until you brought thunder into that world!" I yell.

"Why hurt me, Zack? I want to glue the final pieces together if you could just hand me the missing piece."

"I'm not going to make it that easy for you to forget me, I'm sorry - but I won't."

"So many words are left unsaid, Zack. I don't think I ever really knew you. I was so infatuated by the idea of you that reality didn't live up to those standards."

"I'm sorry I ruined what first love was meant to feel like, but it's easier to run away than to stay, knowing I'll fall. And I know, it was stupid, because I fell for you regardless."

"I wanted more than just conversations, Zack. I wanted you to tell me all your fears and dreams."

"I'll be better this time around. I just need this to be an 'us' again. Now that I'm without you, a piece of me seems to be missing."

"Oh Zack. I wish I heard these words when my heart yearned for you."

"My heart yearns for you, don't it get to be heard?"

"Not when it was the reason for my heartbreak."

"So what does this mean?" He asks.

"You gave me five minutes of heaven just so you could take it back when your lips touched someone that wasn't me. I need to pick me this time around, and not what my heart wants."

He nods, walks to the empty swing and sits down.

I follow and take a seat on the empty swing next to him.

This is the 'us' that I never wanted, but it happened, and here I am accepting our new normal.

"When you kissed him, you hurt me -- so me kissing her was meant to hurt you too, but it wasn't meant to break us apart," he whispers, his head focused on the grass underneath his shoes.

"It wasn't what broke us, Zack. You made me seem like I was the second choice, and I deserve better than second."

We stay quiet for a while. My eyes drifted from him to the blue-lit sky.

"Zack..."

He lifts his head up to stare at me.

"I think you broke me, but that pain was part of my love for you."

He clenches his teeth. "I would get jealous if you were happy with someone that wasn't me."

"What do you like about me, really, Zack?"

"Your smiles, they are the contagious kind. I like how easily you carry conversations and you speak your mind even though most times we need to bleep out what you say."

"But I'm not pretty enough?" I ask.

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"You didn't say you liked me because I was pretty," I tell him.

"Because pretty wasn't what kept me around." He wraps his hand around mine. I don't make a sudden movement, scared of what could happen if I decided to blink or saturate my bottom lip.

Before we take it too far - I stand up. He follows suit.

"Are you happy, Rossita?"

"I don't know yet, but when I do, you will be the first to know."

"Rossita."

Both our heads turned to where the voice had come from. I watch as Gomes walks towards us.

"Please go," I whisper to Zack, who makes no notion of leaving.

"I said please, Zack."

"Fine - just as long as you promise you won't disappear on me," he says and I nod.