Have you ever been #MadAtGod? I mean, really freaken mad? Bitter? Hurt? Asked God why He let things happen to you, to a loved one, to the world?

I've been really pissed with Him lately. 

I've been asking these very questions for a month or so, wondering why, if He knew ahead of time all of the pains and issues that would come, why did He let it happen?

Why am I angry? I'll give you the overview.

1) Sexually molested by my grandfather from the time I was 4 until I was 13. No one knew, and I had suppressed the memories.

2) Became addicted to porn at 13, and lasted into my marriage until I was 25, but it still affects things.

3) Obvious issues with relationships because I learned early on that "love" was sexual, and that was were your value lay.

4) Can't trust men because they only hurt you.

Pretty good reasons to be pissed off.

You see, I've known God for a really love time. I remember sitting down at the table in our old kitchen and accepting Jesus into my heart when I was 6, but I struggled to really follow after Him, especially as I got older. I didn't realize it at the time, but I could never accept His love because I was too dirty. Too messed up. Too broken. Too lost.

Looking back over these things, I got mad. When I did, something really, really bizarre happened:

God asked me to forgive Him.

wut...

Seriously, I was having a conflict here, asking Him, "Is that even a thing? Like...HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK!?!?!?!"

I'm pretty sure He laughed because I felt Him say, "I can take it. Did you think you could hurt my feelings?"

"But, but, but...hooooooooooooooow?"

So many things happened in that one moment. I felt Him drawn near. I felt Him waiting. I felt His love. In spite of me raging at Him for 45mins without a breath, He drew near to me and asked that I forgive Him...The God of the Universe...Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor.

So I did.

It was hard.

It meant that I had to let go of my bitterness. My hurt. My pain. My feeling like God OWED me something.

What is my point?

It's okay to be mad at God. 

Something finite (us) CANNOT hurt something that is Infinite (God), and His love is so much bigger. It is literally so great, that He will draw near to you WHILE YOU ARE STILL ANGRY!!! While you are raging mad, bitter, hurt, angry.

You just have to be honest with Him. It's not easy, especially for us Christians because we (at times) feel like we don't have the right to be angry because...He's God. Like He's going to care or bother to listen. 

Right?

Except that He does, and He will.

Why am I posting this?

Because today at Easter service I heard someones story and it gave me a new perspective. This guy was born with no legs and only one arm in Taiwan. His parents thought he was cursed and gave him up. He was in foster care, then adopted later on by the family that fostered him. This is what he said:

"People have always felt bad for me because I didn't have a "normal" life. But I'm thankful for how God made me. If I had been born with limbs, I would have been raised very differently and probably not have known God."

That struck me and made me think: If I hadn't had those happen to me, would have I known God as I do now? Would I have learned the truths He's shown me? Would I know the depths of His love, grace, mercy, and patience? Would I know how He always keeps His promises? Would I have learned that there is redemption in every story? That it's even possible?

I had to face the obvious answer: Probably not.

I wouldn't have learned compassion, empathy, love, kindness, healing...not in the same way as I do now.

I'm still mad at Him; He's working on me though. Helping me understand where my value is; working to undo the lies that my grandfather instilled in me for 9yrs of my life.

Instead of running or burying the truth of my pain, anger, and bitterness, I sat down and we're talking about it, and He came and sat down with me, looked me in the eye and said:

"Let's talk."