Author Note:

Before continuing this needs a discretionary note. This is an interview with myself to let people into the mind of an addict. My addiction centered around pornography and I was trapped in that for thirteen years before finding freedom in Christ. This will be real talk, and while I will not be sharing a lot of the nitty-gritty details, I will be sharing details that may be triggers for people who have struggled with this in the past or the present. I will caution you if you struggle before moving forward. Aside from porn, there may be other things (sexual abuse, a reference to suicide) that will trigger someone reading this, so it might be wise for someone you trust to read it first. I may sound like I'm being a little extreme, but I give the warning because I care.

This is not for attention or to find approval from others. This is meant to open peoples eyes up to what this addiction is, the pain involved, and how you might be able to help someone who struggles with it. 

Much of this will pertain to past experiences, but there will be day-to-day struggles as well that are current.

This is the calling Jesus has called me too, the story He's given me to reach others.

I'll have a question (Q) and answers that will be given by me (Me). If you have questions, I'm happy to answer them within reason. Feel free to comment or PM me. If you PM I will save the questions and do a Q&A at the end, but I will not post the names of the people who have asked them.

Shall we begin?

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Question: Thank you for sitting down with me to do this. There are not many people who will admit they struggle pornography, especially Christains, and share their story. Why don't we start off by you sharing a little bit of your story.

Me: Certainly. I accepted Jesus when I was six years old, and grew up in a Christian family; we had our issues, but you don't really see that as a child. When I was about three years old, we moved into with my grandparents, and I lived there until I was twenty-one when I got married.

When I was twelve, I was sexually molested by my grandfather. It is a traumatic memory that wouldn't resurface until I was twenty-six, but I relived that moment fully when it happened. 

The following year, when I was thirteen, I started down the road of addiction. Magazines and adds are where it started but quickly escalated to watching videos online. Once it went online, the addiction exploded, and I became numb inside. By the time I was eighteen I had reached the lowest, and the darkest, point in my life. I sat on my bed with a loaded .45 in my hand ready to pull the trigger. That's when God stepped in and filled me with a desire to live.

Over the following years, I still wrestled with my addiction. I was on what is called a binge/purge cycle. I would stop for a while and then fall back into it harder than before. I just felt dead inside.

I met my wife in September of 2010 and married her the following year. I was still heavily addicted to porn, and my marriage suffered greatly from it. I had an affair a few years back that almost destroyed our marriage, but God walked us through it and called me to repentance, and I sought out help.  Since I joined a recovery group in 2015, I have been two years clean, and my marriage is healthier than its ever been.

Q: Wow, that's a lot. My next question would be how did you feel when you were watching those videos? 

Me: I was broken. I was slowly killing myself, and I didn't realize it. I was a pretty happy kid growing up, but once my addiction began and hit full throttle, I became depressed. I withdrew and isolated myself because I thought no one would understand. How could anyone love me? I felt alone, and I felt like there was something wrong with me, because, you know, Christians aren't supposed to struggle with stuff, right?

Back to your question. I felt "good" while watching them because I was on a chemical high (dopamine and adrenaline) that kept me going. As soon as I got off, I felt sick inside and was at times so overwhelmed by shame and guilt that I would just weep. I didn't want to do what I was doing, but at that time, I had no idea what the hell was going on in my brain and the science behind.

Q: I want to talk about the science of it in a little bit, but I'll hold off for now. Why don't you explain to me what the addiction is?

Me: Pornography is the symptom of the sickness.

Q: What do you mean?

Me: I mean, that the addiction itself is a way to cope with the pains in your heart. We all cope with what we addict's (in this arena) call wounds. These wounds come from many different things, and I'll give a couple of brief examples: fathers/mothers, sexual abuse, any other kind of abuse, rejection, to name a few. These pains create wounds that we try and cope with through our lives, and everyone has a different way of coping with them. 

Any form of addiction is a symptom of a hidden (or not so hidden) pain inside a person.

Q: So why did you chose porn as your way of coping?

Me: To put it simply, I didn't. As I mentioned earlier, my grandfather sexually molested me at a young age, and my brain blocked the memory (there are lots of cases like this) and was working to try and figure out how to reconcile what happened. Well, that was the root of my addiction. I was forced to sexual awareness before my brain was ready to handle it, so when anything sexual appeared on screen (movies, tv, etc.), my brain used those things to help me cope.

Q: You have to admit, it sounds like you're saying, "My brain made me to it, and I'm not responsible for my actions." Wouldn't you agree?

Me: I understand what you're saying, but that's not the case. Our brains have amazing abilities to block things out while it's processing things in the background without us noticing or being aware. To fully answer your question you would need to read up on it because it's a very in-depth process. But I do take responsibility for all the choices that I have made during my addiction.

Q: Fair enough.

Q: You have mentioned your grandfather several times so far, and I get the feeling that it's a sensitive subject. Would you mind sharing what it was like remembering that moment?

Me: We were on our way to the beach, my wife and I had been talking about some difficult things already from the past (at the time) five years of marriage. After a little while, she said you wanted to ask a hard question, and I wasn't sure what to expect at that point. She took a deep breath and asked me if my grandpa had ever done anything to me. I answered as I always have when asked, which was no.

At that moment, within my mind's eye, I saw the memory unfold. More than that, my body remembered it. My whole body felt...violated. Dirty. I was hit with so many emotions that I was more than a little overwhelmed. I was suddenly hit with the tremendous sense of loss as I felt the innocence being ripped away from me. All of this took place in a matter of seconds, and I told my wife, "No, something did happen...he molested me."

 Q: I can't imagine what that would have been like to experience that. What happened next?

Me: Once we got to the beach I texted my accountability group and told them to pray. 

There was in so much emotional pain it was all I could do to focus on my family and our time at the beach. But within half an hour I could physically feel their prayers around me, and my family and I ended up having a wonderful time.

After we got back from the beach that pain became anger, which turned into a boiling rage. After a few months I finally got in to see a therapist and through him, my group, and Jesus I was able to heal. I was able to forgive my grandpa. It doesn't mean that I still don't get angry, or that it doesn't hurt. But I found that by forgiving him I could be free from him. I would not hold on to the past, but instead acknowledge that it happened, it mattered, and it wasn't my fault. Every time I talk about it, the pain comes back, and I have to forgive him all over again. Every time I do, I heal a little more.

Q: That's amazing that you've been able to do that. What brought you to the point of forgiveness?

Me: Jesus. He was doing a work in my life at that time and healing some pretty big wounds in my soul. Through what we were learning in my group, I came to find that people who abuse have (statistically speaking) been abused. People don't just wake up one day and start sexually abusing other people. It's because they were wounded and they, in turn, wound others, sometimes intentionally, sometimes they don't remember what happened to them (like myself), and they don't know why they do what they do. They don't know they're trying to cope with a wound in their soul. With that in mind, that's how I came to forgive my grandpa. Jesus gave me a glimpse into his life, and the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father and my heart broke for him. In the end, I realized we were both victims of abusers.

Q: That's an interesting perspective on it.

Me: It's not a popular one in my experience, but I like challenging people on their Black and White views to see things from a different angle.

Q: Indeed.

Q: We've talked about some of the past wounds you've struggled with and touched on how they affected your addiction. We'll need another interview to cover the rest of what I'd like to talk with you about, but I have one last question for you if that's alright.

Me:  Fire away.

Q: Throughout this interview, you've mentioned the work God has been doing in your life. If you could choose one thing that has been the most life-changing, what would it be?

Me: *smiles* He told me who I am. He told me who I am in Him, and who He is in me. He gave me my identity.

Q: What is your identity?

Me: A son of God. Flawless, treasured, and loved. He rejoices over me day and night. He is the light in my darkness, and there is no height, no depth, no distance that He would not go to pursue me. Because I am His son and He is my Father I have no reason to fear. My identity is in Him because He is in me.

And there is nothing in this world that can change that.

Q: Thank for your honesty in this and for choosing to share your story. We'll wrap it up here for now.

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Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this. I want you to know that if you are struggling with this addiction, I hope you know now that there is hope for healing, no matter what you've done or watched. I  will tell you right now that there is nothing you have seen or done that will change how I view you or what I think of you. I see you because Jesus sees you, right where you are. He knows everything you've done and still loves you, just as He still loves me even after all that I've done.

You're not alone. There is freedom.

https://youtu.be/W8oI9phqTeI