Hey guys.

I honestly don't know what to say.

LOL.

I mean, I always write about Ben, and I have a feeling that it gets annoying? it's a rant book, but oh well.

Is it bad to write about my life in this book? XD

Cause my friend Andrei got hella salty when I was telling him about Ben after school today. Like, damn boy, chill TF out.

I'm sorry that you don't get any attention from anyone, but it doesn't mean ya gotta be salty AF.

A couple weeks ago after prom, he did tell me through text that he's likes me for a while, but knew that he didn't have a chance cause ever since he found out that I liked Ben, he kinda gave up.

God that was awkward. Ugh.

Ever since he told me that, our friendship's been kinda awkward and weird. He's super tired or grumpy or just hella moody, then I get ticked off cause he's being all negative.

You know when you've had a best friend for a while, but things change and you know that it's different?

Yup, that's me. I mean, I never liked him that way ever, he's just my best friend.

That's probably why he's been so negative, cause I kinda rejected him, but not really cause he said it himself.

Yesterday we were hanging out with a few other people and I said "Well. yeah, if a truck was gonna run you over I'd push you out of the way." and he's like "Nah, I really don't mean that much to you obviously."

Like, what the fuck. Are you serious? I bought Starbucks for you last week, a grande mocha and a sandwhich cause you're my friend.

That actually was pretty sad to hear, cause he's been my friend since like a year ago.

So today after school, I was just hanging in the front outside with him and some other people, and I see Ben walk by with a few friends, and of course I'm like "Bae don't leave me!"

Btw, he got a haircut yesterday after school, and it looks fresh AF. It's gorgeous.

Anyways, when he was walking away, he looked back once so I turned to face my friend Kailee to just act like I wasn't looking at him AT ALL. Of course Kailee's cracking up at me like "Bruh, I know what you're doing."

After a few good seconds, he looks back AGAIN, and I wasn't expecting that, so my reflexes didn't react...

I hate making eye contact with someone I like, good GOD.

After that happened, I internally freaked out like "Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit what have I done I'm never coming back to school ever again."

After that happens, I'm just explaining to Andrei what just happened, and he's all like "Well, he could've just been looking around, not at you, why would he make eye contact that far away?"

His tone of voice was SO. SALTY. It was THE MOST rude, sarcastic voice I've ever heard from him talking to me. So I immediately respond with "Why are you so f*****g negative all the time now?" Cause honestly at this point, I'm pissed. He's like "What are you talking about?" As if he just didn't know.

I've been trying my best to help you, and you're being a total ass. If you're pissed, just straight up tell me.

I have a feeling he's still jealous that I never liked him. I honestly can't see us dating, like, it'd just be too awkward.

Maybe I'll just explain what happened in English, cause all this negativity isn't that fun.

Y'all know how we get random seats and such, and I sat in the 3rd seat on the very left row. Ben was sitting in the 1st seat in my row, and I was like "dang, I wish I got the seat in front of me." I mean, since he got a haircut, it was hard not to stare. Lol.

so the bell rings, and the person in front of me wasn't there, so I was just like 'OH MY GERDDDD' Like, that was pure LUCK. Teacher hands out the new unit papers, and teachers usually just give enough papers for the row to the first person, so you know, HAHA I was so happy.

I hate being a 17 year old teenage girl.

So I was like "Thanks." and after ten minutes into class, the girl who's seat was in front of me showed up.

GUURL.

Well, she's in my history project group so I actually like her. The way she sits is angled towards the left, so I still had a clear view of beautifulness distraction.

That class went by so fast, it wasn't even funny.

Fact about me: I'm a very shy person to most people except for my family and my close friends. I'm an introvert, and I'd rather spend my time on Wattpad while hiding in my room rather than go to a party. I'm actually not very confident, insecure, but I let all of that go when I do sports. Sports and Wattpad help me get out of my mind and feel like I can be myself. I haven't told anyone that I use wattpad, that I enjoy writing stories. To be honest, there's stuff in here that I've never told anyone, not even my best friend. I'm EXTREMELY SHY around Ben, and I never have the confidence to even make eye contact.

Yeah.

Oh god, more ranting fyi.

Yesterday Campus Ministry was closed, so Andrei and I went to the gym with Vince and a few other people. they all played table tennis while I just shot some baskets. After a while, Andrei started rebounding for me, and I was ON FIRE. I made at least ten shots in a row from Chloeland, which is where Stephan Curry usually shoots from, a good feet away from the three point line. Yup, that's my range. A couple guys came in that were in my grade, and they're kinda popular and one of them was like "damn!"

So a minute after I stopped shooting, guess who walks in the gym?

You probably guessed it. Ben. We have the same lunches every day.

So I stated freaking out under my breath like "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!" and go over to where Andrei and Ethan were playing table tennis. He started to shoot hoops at the same basket where I shot, and I was like "why did I stop shooting?" On red days I used to have 1st lunch, but I have 2nd lunch now cause I switched out of a class. Before I switched, Andrei used to always go to the gym, and yesterday he was like "Wow, Ben's never showed up to the gym during my lunch."

Man, he was salty.

Should I be bold and go to the gym tomorrow during lunch again? Like, I want to, but my fear and shyness is holding me back, so maybe hearing from one of you guys would help me. Is that weird? Like, I wanna give hints to let him know that I'm interested, but every time I try I always back out at the moment when it's the perfect opportunity cause I'm that nervous.

I can't tell if he's hinting, or if he's just like that. In theology yesterday during our break, I sat in my seat and just checked my phone really quick while mostly everyone else went outside. The girl who sits in front of me got a really bad concussion, so she was absent. I hope she's all right though, cause she was in a car accident and her car flipped over. I'm just praying for her.

So the first people who come in are a few guys who sit in my row and the row next to me, which is about three of them. One of them is Ben, and he sits in the row next to mine so I instantly grab my folder and start doodling on it to avoid him. So they start talking, and he sits on the table of the desk two spots in front of me, and a minute afterwards he stands up and stretches a little, then sits on the seat in FRONT OF ME.

Like, are you serious? Stahp it. Just stahp. Since we were the only people in the room besides a couple others who sat on the other side of the room and the teacher, there was literally no way for me to have an excuse to look like I was pre-occupied already, so I had no choice to sit there and listen to their conversation. I mean, I don't mind whatever he had to say, but being put on the spot like that? I get so self-conscious. Ben was talking about himself and lacrosse, kinda glancing over and I was like 'what do I do what do I do?!?'

He always talks about himself. At least whenever I'm around.

I'm just saying right now, I hate having super hooded eyes. It makes putting on eyeliner a million times harder, cause if you have the eyeliner touch the crease where the hood even ends, it makes your eyeliner look weird and awkwardly curvy. The only recovery is to re-do it, or make it super thick. My eyelids suck.

That's my rambling for the day. Again, if you guys have any rant books, let me know :D

At the beginning of this I said I didn't know what to say, but then I just went on this rant about my good life.

That's ironic. Lmfao.

I don't have a quote cause I'm hella tired.

I'm sorry if I ramble too much, but I feel a lot better when I vent out about my crush cause my best friend isn't here, she's in Cali at the moment so I can't vent to her. I don't see her that much, so it's super hard not to write about.