So today i clicked onto a video
Titled
"Third presidential debate"
And i watched that video
Even though it was late
I watched it for x hours
And so another one popped up
Perfectly cropped
Thumbnail, obviously clickbate
"Why trump shouldn't be president"
And another
"We should kill this candidate"
And so i got swept into the deep dark internet
With nothing but the cold around me
My cheeks stained with mascara
Soft, hot and wet
When i realized that i had just met my fear
I'm scared

Forget that
I'm terrified
PARALYZED
By my anxiety
Because i remember that chat and in those flashing seconds i saw that
Michaelmiller369
Commented
"Trump for prez! Put woman back in their place!!"

And so more tears roll down my face
Because i am a woman
And even after generations of it
sexisms SHOULD have passed
It didn't
And now if this guy
Becomes president
And decides to reinforce
Housewives and legal abuse
Then i am fucked
And not just literally
Because to him
I am an object
Not a prize
Because I don't have big tits
Which means that i belong to someone
A man most likely
Because he might change the law
For same-sex marriage
And i will have to obey
And maybe tyler oakely will be happily married with his youtube millions
But i wont
And fact is that im gay
And i DONT
want
to marry a man

And there it is again
I'm scared
Because
I'm gay
And millions of people don't except me that way

They'd rather have me with long hair and pale soft skin
Even though that will never happen because I'm mixed and my skin will always look faintly
"Tainted"

When i remember i want to paint it
I realize that i want to tattoo sleeves onto my arms
Because i think it's pretty
And i want to dye my hair crazy colors and
Fuck the gender roles of woman
"Fragile and fare"
And yet
I want to be skinny

And now I'm even more scared because i have to face the question
Why
And then i realize
That it might be because I'm gay

And more anxiety
wraps around me
Because what if I'm too gay

What if the fact that I'm mixed, atheist, female and way too gay
Makes me a target
Makes me prime suspect for a murder
And a rare prize
on the black market

But all that is just trivial

What really matters is that when a guy
Decides
To kiss me
He thinks it's ok to do anything
HECK
Even grabs me by the pussy

And then it hits me

What if he
Rapes
Me

And then i have panic attack
I will have to confront my fear of men
But I can't deal with that
I can't deal
with the fear
Of being raped
AGAIN
Because after 11 years
I STILL haven't healed

so i decide to sulk
I decide to try to hope
Even though I'm godless
And gay
And my mind keeps screaming countless different versions of the word
"No"

I simply try to let it go
I close the browser and
Hope that people see
What voting for trump
Would do
To people like me