so I'm a depressed fuck I can admit that and since nobody cares and no one reads this I was basically like "well lets just type my fucking problems out" because I dont have therapy this week and I need an outlet for all my depressing feeling and problems that mean nothing and I'll probably be dying soon anyway so like why not just type them out and let people hear my problems! right?

so here we go

so I'm not going back through this book to look for what I've talked about its just gonna be me spilling my guts. Ok? we all on the same page? good.

so voices and alters lets start with that so I have alters that's what that chapter about my "friends" was. they are my alters. I think of them as people in my head that can come out and that I can hear. I dont know if I'm just plain crazy or if I just have some weird ass brain problems but its an interesting experience to have them. they talk to me just like normal people judging the things I do and what others do. like little critics in your head or my head. then there are the voices which are different things too. they just tell me to kill myself all the time nonstop 24/7. they dont have opinions or "come out" like my alters do they well are just a crowd of voices that tell me to kill myself 24/7.

my sleep is another thing that I struggle with. sure my medicine does make me sleep but that doesn't mean I feel rested or sleep well. I used to have nightmares for a while then they just left. just poof gone. 

I've felt like cutting lately and still feel like doing it but my alters keep me from doing it. they dont know what will happen to them if I die so they try to keep me alive and moving. which I dont like to much but I cant really do anything about it when one of them takes over anyway.

I see things if that counts for anything. I see dead people alive people some dead people are bleeding others are just laying there but the people that aren't dead stare at me. it keeps me up at night. keeps me from leaving the house. keeps me from entering any room where the lights are off. because I just keep getting more and more paranoid about them. but who even cares. none of my family does I know that.

I dont go to school. I stay home. I'm meant to do online school on my computer but I just cant for the reasons above. all I seem to be able to do is write. write until I have no ideas anymore write for the hell of it, write just to get shit out whither it comes out in a stupid revenge fic or in something that shows how I feel. life is shit for everyone. I've learned that. it doesn't matter how you look at it, it will be shit at one point or another, for a few minutes or for a few years. we all have had something that just backhands you into the wall and I try telling myself that everyday "they may not be struggling the same way you are but there struggling some way, mentally, physically, or emotionally sometimes all three at once." 

but you know that's what makes it hard. we all want to compare how bad are problems are to each others, your problems might need more attention or need more care but that doesn't mean that the person next to you doesn't feel just as bad as you do with there problems that dont need as much attention. sometimes you dont need someone who is going through the same shit as you, you just need someone who is willing to let you talk and I hope that all of you can find someone like that either online or irl. listen I dont know where I'm going with this or if it makes any sense at all but I'm just writing my thoughts.

hope yall get through your life shit sleep well