S: WE'RE ARSONING THE SAME BAGEL

S: homeless people can't put pants on stick figures. I'm really good at putting pants on stick figures.

S: so I'm dumber than a monkey?
T: I didn't say that, I said you failed the monkey test

T: whatever happens, you eat it

T: it's not arson, it's science!

T: if you need to throw up... please try to make it to the garbage can, or at least make it to another teacher's classroom.

T: the people they conquered became their slaves
S: that's not very nice
T: well they shouldn't have lost

T: I am not going to tell my children that some imaginary fat man breaks into our house every year

T: I try to punch women often

S: ARE WE DISSECTING PUPPIES TODAY?

T: if you go to prison, call yourself to Mitochondria so you can be the powerhouse of the cell

S1: let's drop a nuclear bomb on Hawaii
T: the paradise of the United States? You'd drop a bomb on the paradise of the United States?!
S1: yes.
S2: Jamaica is the paradise of the United States

T: school can be fun!
S: yeah. For you, you get to punch women for your job

T: he wasn't abusing them, he was allowing other people to potentially abuse them.

S: wait so he conquered Egypt after he died?

T: that's how you show you're sad, you shave your eyebrows!

S: PHINEAS AND DR. DOOFENSCHMIRTZ HAVE THE SAME JAWLINE WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

T: moral of the story: beat water and it'll do what you want

S: you're half deaf, you have ADHD, you have OCD, and you're GAY!

S1: red delicious?
S2: yes
S1: green apple?
S2: no
S1: THAT'S RACIST
S2: NO ITS NOT, ITS APPLEIST!
S1: LIKING ONE APPLE OVER ANOTHER BECAUSE OF THE COLOR OF THEIR SKIN?
S2: IT'S NOT ABOUT THE SKIN, IT'S ABOUT THE FLAVOR!
S3: so racism is about taste?

S: it's being obnoxious and annoying and totally worthless, it's obviously a man

T: it's a fox
S: why is it a cactus
T: because the fox lives in the cactus
S: where are the spikes?
T: it has spikes! There's some on its butt!
S: flimsy spikes
T: they wanted to protect children

T: do you need any help?
S: no
T: great, I will just be useless