The walk to the stage was proving to be frustrating for Deadpool. "What the fuck? You've got nothing? Fuck me, amnesia? You dick, like you have sauerkraut for brains!"

Randy stopped Deadpool before getting to the stage. "Just don't screw up like Captain America. He actually fucking cried." Randy looked at the anti superhero, "maintain eye contact."

Deadpool looked at the producer, tilted his head and pointed. "Seriously? Look at my eyes."

Randy just ignored Deadpool. "Don't just stand there at the microphone. Move around...stay active." Deadpool partially unsheathed a blade. "Not that active." He sheathed his blade and continued to listen to the producer. "No swearing. No rude gestures. And absolutely no killing audience members." He looked at Deadpool and clarified, "or staff!"

"Seriously? Not even one? What if..." Deadpool questioned Randy.

"Not even if Ajax himself sat right fucking here." Randy pointed to a chair.

"Fu..." Deadpool was interupted by Randy pointing at the superhero. "Darn?" He looked at Randy who nodded yes. "This is going to be the longest five minutes of my life just to amp up my sex life."

Randy began laughing uncontrollably then stopped to ask Deadpool. "You are doing this to get laid?"

"Du'h." Deadpool confirmed.

"Idiot!" Randy looked at the much taller man. "When he calls your name get your ass out there. If you lay an egg I will pull the plug, SuperAss!"

The MC made his way back to the microphone, "wow, that was an amazing set, Ally! I would hate to have to follow you tonight!" Just then he looked over to Deadpool.

"Really?" Deadpool shrugged then thought to himself. 'If I kill one guy tonight...it's him. Mr. MC man. Blah blah blah...I'd hate to have to follow....Dick."

"Put your hands together for." The MC paused and looked at his cue card. "Freddd Pooool?"

'Deadpool you dick! Read the fuckin card. Ah, fuck this.' Deadpool was steaming as he stomped towards the stage.

The MC and Deadpool passed each other and Deadpool spoke in a restrained voice. "Deadpool, Dick!"

"It says Fred Pool!" The MC jammed the card into Deadpool's hand and ran the rest of the way off the stage.

"You better run, Dick!" Deadpool spoke louder than he should have and as he turned the crowd was staring at him. 'Oh, fuck. Not the way to start this. Where's Vanessa?...okay there she is'.

He stepped to the microphone with complete silence. Even Vanessa sat there waiting for her man to say something. 'Say something numb nuts. Fuck!'. "Ah. Yeah. My name is Deadpool."

The hecklers started in on Deadpool. "What do you think this is? Halloween. Freaking weirdo." "Are they Ginzu knives?"

"Okay, okay." Deadpool reached for a blade then looked to Randy off stage who shook his head, side to side. He replaced the blade. 'Fuck, Randy, you're no fun...at all'.

Vanessa stood and gave her man a little smile.

"You know." Vanessa looked at Deadpool and watched him tilt his head and she sat back down. 'Shit, come clean, you idiot, you've got nothing. You couldn't remember how to brush your teeth you're so fucking nervous'. The audience was getting ready to hurl more insults until he began to speak.

"Shit." Deadpool spoke in a dejected tone then looked to Randy. "I can say shit, right?" Randy agreed by nodding yes. "Phew, thank the fu...uh." looking back at Randy who just slapped his forehead he realized. "Right, no swearing, as per section five of the Improv rules and regulations." He pointed to Randy. "I read them, Randy. All seventy-three boring, lame, monkey wanking. I can say monkey and wanking. I read that Randy."

Deadpool turn his back to the audience then reached back to cover the hole in his butt. "Oh, right!" He turned back around. "Okay, time to come clean. Yeah, like taking a shower in honesty." The crowd laughed. "Jesus, try to be serious for one freaking second and everyone wants to laugh." He looked at the timer on the back wall. Three minutes fifty seconds. "Here goes."

Deadpool pointed to Vanessa seated at a table right in the middle, four rows back. "Hi, Vanessa. Vanessa, everyone. Give a little wave, Honey." He was trying to think quickly. 'come on you stupid motherfucker...think'. "You see, I am here to...well, to have better sex. To answer your question. Yes, this is the best my peanut butter brain could come up with. Baby, remember Valentines Sex? Chinese New Years sex? Halloween sex? Oh, and your favourite, National Woman's Day sex...the best day, right Vanessa? You know the sex before Francis came along. I want that back, Babe." He sat on the stool and pulled his feet up onto the stool as if defeated but then, like an ice pick to the brain, he had it. "I know! What about a song, Babe?"

He looked out at Vanessa. "You know, the song....our song? Right our song!" Deadpool looked at the piano off to his left. 'Fuck me, I wish I could play. That would win her sexy ass back. Du'h ask the fucking audience, Wade. See if someone in this fucking place can play'. "Can anyone play this POS piano?" Deadpool looked out into the audience and pointed to a girl. "You! What is your name?"

"Jordan." The young woman spoke excitedly.

"Well, Jordan, get your butt up here, girl." Jordan ran up. "What can you play? Twinkle, Twinkle?" Deadpool didn't recognize the girl.

Jordan popped up onto the stage. "Hey, Deadpool!" Jordan hugged Deadpool tightly.

"Hey, Jordan. Taken. Uh, Vanessa is right out there! Iam trying o amp it up in bed and Vanessa's not into ffm." Deadpool pulled back and held his right hand out to shake. Jordan squeezed down on Deadpool's hand. "Nice to meet...WTF". 'Motherfucker!' He thought. "Oh hey Jordan. Jordan Kerron. The Jo Ker!"

"Hey, Wade!" How the hell are you, MuffinTop?" Jordan pulled Deadpool down to her level then laughed.

"Ladies and Dicks, this is Jordan. I did not recognize you. Vanessa, this is not what you think. I knew her when she was fifteen. Oh..that did not come out right. Help me here, Kid." Deadpool dropped to a knee. "Can you play 'Careless Whisper'?"

"I am not playing Careless Whisper. That is freaking lame Deadpool. Look at how hot Vanessa is. She deserves a hot song, Right Vanessa?" Jordan looked for confirmation from Deadpool's sexy girlfriend who agreed with her.

"Honey? Really? No WHAM. I mean WHAM! You know how I feel about George!" Deadpool tried to persuade his girl but to no avail. Vanessa did not want to hear Careless Whisper.

"How about something...sexier? Billie Eilish?" Deadpool backed off. "Where are your balls?" Jordan egged him on. "Maximum effort."

"Just for your information..." Deadpool was cut off by Jordan. She handed him a sheet of paper and began playing the piano. Deadpool quickly read the lyrics. "Oh, you are good! How did you know?"

Jordan stopped playing and spoke softly. "Vanessa called and said you were talking in your sleep. She doesn't want pity sex...she wants maximum effort sex. Grab your balls and sing what I wrote."

Deadpool thought to himself, 'Fuck me! I talk in my sleep?'. "Okay. Play."

"Wait for it DP." Jordan began to play. "Now, Loser."

"When...When" Deadpool pulled the microphone away from his mouth. "Seriously? Can I just read it? I really suck at singing."

Jordan rolled her eyes, "loser. Whatever. Read it."

Deadpool raised his hand to read the sheet then the microphone to his mouth. "Vanessa. Vanessa.Vanessa." Deadpool pulled the microphone from his mouth and leaned down to Jordan. "Fucking brilliant! I think she knows her own name!"

"Keep reading, Dick face!" Jordan shot back.

"Vanessa, remember that ping pong paddle? Your butt never looked so good, red is your favourite colour." Deadpool continued to read from the sheet. "That baseball bat...you went deep. Made me feel alive again." Deadpool looked at Jordan, "Vanessa shared this with you?"

Jordan laughed.

Randy was getting very nervous at the content that he was hearing and motioned the MC to cut it short.

The MC had his own microphone that he used as he raced back on stage. "Let's hear it for Fred Pool! Fred Pool everybody."

"That's Deadpool, Dick breath, monkey masher!" Deadpool was livid. "Fuck me!"

Vanessa heard those magic words, ran to the stage and grabbed Deadpool by the hand. "Yes, please."

"Honey, there's a broken mirror in the dressing room." Deadpool suggested to Vanessa.

"Perfect! Race you!" Vanessa ran ahead.

Deadpool just watched her ass until she disappeared down the hallway. 'Fuck me, she is sexy'. He ran to catch up to Vanessa and as he was about to turn down the hallway a waitress spilled her tray of drinks. The tiled floor leading to the hallway was as slippery as ice and he wiped out hitting his head on the corner of the wall knocking him out. When he came to he was laying in his bed at home. "Fuck me, it was all a dream! All a fucking dream?! Fuck! Rock meet bottom. Where's my unicorn?"

This is an adult read. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I know it is at the end of the story but technically is it here and in bold print.
Life is unexpected. Maximize your efforts. Just saying, you are reading a fan fiction...it's a pretty easy read, people.
I know, not the best way to advertise my own work. As you see, I am not very good at self promotion.
I would tell you that it is a great read, but you already read it, so I guess there is only one thing left.

THANK YOU for reading! If you choose to write something, thank you again and if you press the star you have added to the likes and you've mastered reading, writing and arithmetic. Fricken eh and now you have graduated. Now go find something else to read higher than grade eight level.

-----

Yes, that is really me. Wade wouldn't give me any selfies...you know he really is a bastard, a smartass, and a sarcastic...oh hi Wade...

What the fuck JJ? You never told me you could write! Skooch on over, let me read this. You are right, I don't give my selfies away. They're $9.99.