All photos of Deadpool belong to Twentieth Century Fox.

Deadpool takes the stage at the Improv.

BACKSTAGE

A knock at the dressing room door rang out like a gong. "Ten minutes, Deadpool!" The happy-go-lucky producer whistled then yelled as he walked back to the stage, "idiot!"

Deadpool began to pace, "idiot? I'm here for one night. He's been here thirty years. Who's the idiot!"

Deadpool pressed his fingertips to his forehead. "Opening joke. Fuck, I lost it! It's gone! You are an idiot! The girl of my nightmares is right out there and you have forgotten every freakin word. God, he was right! I am the idiot!"

"Coffee. I need coffee!" Deadpool grabbed the coffee pot on the tiny table in the corner. He lifted the scummy glass carafe. "Fuck me! How old is this crap? No wonder everyone sucks here!"

"I guess I better get dressed." Deadpool looked at his suit hanging from the old nail on the wall. "Fuck me! That's the wrong fucking suit! This is my regular everyday kick some freaking ass suit." He looked at the crotch of his suit. "Wait a minute, it's worse! It's the suit from the first Deadpool movie. It still has the hole in the ass." He wrinkled his face. "Fuck that hurt!"

He ripped the suit from the nail. "Shit, shit, shit. All you had to do was pick up the fuckin suit! That fucker slipped me my old suit I was never going to fucking pick up. Like ever! I doubt if it will even fit."

Deadpool patted his stomach a few times as he looked into the mirror, "you are fat! No more KFC! Fuck me, we are getting out Friday night and kicking some ass." He pointed at his reflection in the mirror. "No more binge watching Netflix. You used to be the man. No, you used to be the fucking man!"

Another knock at the door. "Five minutes Deadpool. I hope you crash and burn. Ya bum!"

Deadpool pulled the headpiece over his head and pulled the door open. "Hey. Hey! Stage dude."

"It's Randy and I am the producer, Jackass!" The producer of the improv corrected Deadpool.

"Randy? Fucking, Randy?" Deadpool laughed. "Well, Randy, the producer." He curled his index fingers to quote producer. "Wardrobe malfunction, here." He stuck a finger through the hole in the suit.

"Five minutes. And don't fucking suck like Captain America!" Randy walked back towards the stage. "Idiot!"

"Hmmm, pretty boy laid a frickin egg." Deadpool laughed again then pulled his suit on. "You fat bastard!" He sucked his gut in and pulled the top part of his suit over his small gut. "Vanessa!" He yelled loudly. "We are not eating out, EVER again, Babe!"

Again he looked into the mirror. "I guess the new suit hides this fucking muffin top. I will use my glocks to hide it." He rifled through his duffle bag. "Seriously! No guns? My blades but no guns. The fucking blades won't hide my gut! Vanessa!" Deadpool yelled again.

He pulled his blades on. "One fucking strap! Fuck me, it barely hides my nipple! And Vanessa loves my nipples!" Deadpool squirmed and fidgeted with his suit. "How did you let sex get so stale that you have to go on stage to stoke the fires?" Looking into the mirror he pointed. "You were an animal in bed. Vanessa worshipped you!"

Deadpool rolled his eyes at what he saw in the mirror. "Come on fat boy, let's not suck so fuckin bad that Cappy looked better than me."

As he opened the dressing room door, Randy was in the the process of his final reminder to the stage. Randy knocked his knuckles on Deadpool's forehead. "Timing is everything, Randy!" Deadpool partially unsheathed one of his blades.

"Save it for stage, Dickhead!" Randy walked away flipping Deadpool the bird.

"Fuck me!" Deadpool smashed the mirror as he exited the dressing room and followed Randy to the stage.

Seriously weird...there are 2 chapters exactly the same. Wade! Are you fucking with my laptop?!