21/11/19

Trigger warning: self harm

I just had this random memory.

When I started self harming, in 2017, it wasnt much. I'd scratch patches of skin with sticks and stones. I remember my friends being really concerned that I'd bleed to death or end up hospitalised. And I remember telling them "no, don't worry, I value life. I'm just hurting  myself a little to relieve, I won't take it too far"

And now, in 2019, i will cut myself so that I bleed for half an hour, and I have thoughts of throwing myself off roofs and sitting in pools of blood and being submerged underwater till I drown and die. I'm sitting here, debating the pros and cons of being alive.

I've gotten so bad in 2 years. With so many ups and downs (EXIDDDD). I hate being alive and I hate being human