"What is that?" Will queried, an eyebrow quirked up and a finger outstretched in Nikolai's direction, looking at a faint red liquid dripping down Nikolai's thigh from underneath Nikolai's long shorts. Nikolai looked down, to see what Will was questioning, and Will could tell something was wrong, as much as Nikolai attempted to keep a straight face: It was filled with fear.

Nikolai shrugged it off, turning around to walk calmly towards the house to go to the bathroom inside. Not another word leaving his mouth.

Nikolai's mind was enveloped with sheer worry. This was his first, and hopefully his only, slip up on record so far.

What the hell have you just done? His mind raced walking inside. It's not... he wasn't suicidal, but just didn't know how to cope in a healthy way. That's how he would describe it, at least.

"I'll be right back, don't worry about me," Nikolai shrugged in his usual monotone voice. Internally, he was beating himself down for not being more careful with it. He knew doing that just before Will arrived wasn't a good idea.

Nikolai and Will had been out practicing in Will's front yard, since their moms were both inside socializing. Will offered to go outside and practice to pass the time, although Nikolai was reluctant to take the offer, he didn't say no. He just complained. A lot.

Nikolai and him had grown up together, going to the same schools through their childhood. Their moms were really the ones who decided that they should stay together, and when high school came around, suggested that they follow their upperclassmen to the prestigious school in which they made athletes. It was for a mainly selfish reason, because then it gave the familys an excuse to hang out together, but neither of them really minded much. It was nice to just have someone to be with, rather than slum around with adults in which neither knew.

The two of them had just gotten done with midterms, and they were both pretty tired, but on the Marblehills Academy High school team—a mouthful of a name that everyone made fun of the school for having—, they didn't want to fall behind everyone else, hence why they went outside to practice. Will, more specifically, didn't want to fall behind. The very thought shook his bones. Midterms really took away from valuable practice time, although their parents argued school was more important.

Will waited patiently for Nikolai to come back, not thinking anything of it at all. It was just an accident because he had accidently hit Nikolai's leg too hard with the ball.

But the more he thought about it... that was a lot of blood for one cut, and Nikolai had been in the bathroom for a while now, panicking, and trying to get the blood to stop. It was never ending, like a dam about to burst. He knew that he should've tried harder to stop himself earlier, it was just more and more difficult not to relapse now. The thoughts of 'why should anyone care what I do to my body anyway. If i'm not going to kill myself...'

But look at where that had gotten him today.

He held a tissue to the cuts, the blood soaking up almost instantly. These two weren't like the others. It was deeper, and actually scabbed over. The other ones were just thin lines that didn't seem to have any scab over them.

This one had taken the longest to stop bleeding.

Will got up to go check on him, but Nikolai came out the front door first. He was wearing a different, but similar pair of shorts, and his walking made it look like he was uncomfortable with something. Like how the clothes fit him, or how they were rubbing against his body.

Nikolai avoided eye contact, which was something that was normal from him, but he seemed to be doing it purposely now.

"Was that a cut or something?"

"I guess," He paused, before walking past Will, "We can play again,I don't know what you're waiting for,"

The small sarcastic comments, passive aggressive, sometimes pained Will to hear.

Will watched him walk towards the ball, awkwardly bending over. He couldn't see it on his face, or hear it in his voice, but he was in pain.

It couldn't have been a little but if it hurt him that bad. Maybe a bruise? But a bruise would have to be bad if it started bleeding.

"Nikolai?" Will asked, looking over at him, waiting for a response. He simply got a 'mm' to let Will know he could go on. Nikolai seemed more down than he usually was, and that gave Will an uneasy feeling.

Unsettling; a better way to explain it.

Nikolai looked over at him, having already expected a response, since Will was usually used to getting them right away.

"Can I see the cut? I just wanna make sure it's properly bandaged or something, since you could've gotten lazy with it,"

That was the dumbest reason, Nikolai thought, although he caved in, walking towards Will.

"Actually, it's nothing," Nikoli whispered, backing away from Will. He was embarrassed that it had even crossed his mind to show Will. That was unfair to him. He didn't need to see that.

"Why not? Please?"

"Will, I–"

"Nikolai,"

There was a moment of silence, and then Nikolai slowly felt himself caving to Will. He didn't want to, but Will insisted.

He only showed him part of it, and fast. He didn't want to let Will's eyes linger for too long. It was embarrassing and stupid, and he didn't know what Will was thinking.

Will looked up, his eyes slowly scanning Nikolai's. Nikolai's entire body had frozen up. He hated not knowing what Will was thinking. Especially about this.

"Did you do this to yourself?" Will asked, looking up at Nikolai. He was looking down at his thigh, too, with no expression to show for. He shrugged in response, looking everywhere but Will, mumbling something too quiet for him to hear. Will looked back down at the bruises.

It looked like they had been there for a while, and there was a bandage covering the top skin of his thigh, most likely what he had used to cover up in the bathroom.

"Nikolai, stop that, I need a straight answer," Will Will looked at him, still waiting for an answer.

"I said, 'I guess'," Nikolai shrugged, before turning around, and walking into the house. He didn't want to continue this conversation out here. Anywhere really, but knowing Will he wasn't just going to let up on something like this. It pained him that Will knew almost immediately. Nikolai was trying to come up with an excuse of some sort, but there was no scathing way out of this one. So he would ignore it for as long as he needed too. He would act as nonchalant as he could, to the point that it was almost scary. To Will, he had always been this difficult, and was used to the responses that were either plain and vague, or the ones avoiding the actual question. Will followed him into the house, and up the stairs to his room. This week, their moms had decided to meet at Nikolai's house. Will tagged along, something that he had been doing since he met Nikolai through his mom. Nikolai did the same thing too, coming with his mom to see Will.

Nikolai left his door open, purposely, knowing that Will was following him there. He sat in his desk chair, leaning on it. When Will walked in, he took his usual place on Nikolai's bed (where he usually sat when the two of them were studying together).

"I heard you, but can you say 'yes' or 'no'?" Will's heart panged with a strong sense of guilt. How had he not been aware of this, yet considered them to be best friends for so long. Looking back, he was thinking of all the signs that he had missed, and his heart ached for Nikolai.

Nikolai groaned before saying something muffled again. He always mumbled his words, but this was to the point of it being incomprehensible to even himself, and yet Will understood what came out of Nikolai's mouth, and he looked at Nikolai for a minute. His eyes were sad; wide, and red, and concerned. Fear, too, was somewhere in there. The look of fear filled Nikolai with an even worse kind of fear: What have I just done?

They sat in silence, before Will got up and walked over to him. He grabbed Nikolai's shoulder, pulling him off of the chair, and over to the bed. He hugged Nikolai tightly, and Nikolai tried to struggle out of it. Will didn't let him go, and he gave up, with nothing more to do, other than that, and hugged him back.

Will's voice dropped to a whisper, asking him 'what happened'. Nikolai merely shrugged.

"It doesn't really matter anyways,"

"It does matter to me, and your mom and dad, and all your other friends if you're going too... hurt yourself like that," Nikolai still shrugged, leaning his forehead against Will's shoulder, to avoid seeing his face. "And who knows what else. I'm scared, Nikolai. This can only mean bigger things are going on and I don't want you doing–"

He took a hesitant breath as he knew what Will was going to say next. He needed to cut him off. "There's a big difference between considering it, and actually doing it." Will held Nikolai closer, practically admitting that he had been, or was 'considering'.

"But 'considering' leads to 'doing'."

There was silence for a little bit. Nikolai took those words into consideration and it felt like a straight punch to his gut.

Will felt the shoulder of his shirt dampen, and Nikolai's body shook almost unnoticeably.

Those words hurt, cut deep. It was like Nikolai was coming undone in front of him, letting down a huge wall he built for years, and letting Will in. Someone in, for the first time in a while.

Has he always been like this, and I just haven't noticed?

Fuck.

He rubbed his back up and down, in an attempt to calm him down. "Why did you show me so easily?" Will asked. If he had been trying to keep it a secret why did he just show him so easily. Nikolai's silent crying slowly turned worse, and louder. His chest was heaving for air, and each time he breathed out it sounded distorted. Will just held him, and comforted him. He wouldn't press questions if Nikolai didn't want to answer them.

But he did answer, while not exactly answering the question. He avoided it. He started a new thought.

"I thought about, I don't know, maybe keeping a journal or something, just so that someone—years after I'm off the earth—would find it and read it. so they could understand me without understanding me. without having to ever talk to me. but that's too dangerous."

"Oh," Wilhelm said, perusing his lips.

"yeah,"

"I'm here, whenever you need anything. I won't tell anyone, unless I need to. okay?"

"Okay,"

Nikolai wanted to say (their relationship is platonic, so this is completely platonic) 'I love you' but he didn't wanna make it weird. He would only mean it as a friend, but he didn't want Wilhelm to get the gears in his head turning.

And so, they sat like that until Nikolai lifted himself up to see Will's face. Will was a bit scared to see what Nikolai looked like. He wasn't repulsed in any way by how he looked but his red, and teary eyes, his messed up hair, and wet cheeks, his bottom lip quivering ever so slightly. That was messing with Will's head. Sure, he'd seen Nikolai cry before, but nothing like this. Never this, absolutely distraught.

His chest caved once again, and he held Will tightly, this time. Nikolai's head spun until he closed his eyes, and his feet felt numb, and he felt comfort in holding tightly onto another living, breathing, warm body. He grasped at the back of Will's neck, with his right hand, and his shoulder with his left, resting his forehead against his neck. His tears were hot against Will's skin, making him shiver.

"Nikolai... Nikolai, it's alright, okay? It's okay, you're okay," His words were soft, and hit Nikolai where he felt it most. He squeezed his eyes shut, tightly, letting more tears fall in the process.

He opened his mouth to speak. "I- I guess I just wanted someone to finally know. I- i was tired of keeping... keeping it from everyone. I trusted you, and at the moment, I-I didn't know that I was doing that! It just happened, and now we're here!" Nikolai whispered. Hicks cut off his words, as he spoke into the side of Will's neck. He hadn't let any of this out to anyone, and now it came spilling out everywhere. Like a glass of water about to spill. But instead of spilling, the glass broke first, falling over the sides of the table, soaking the cloth, and the floor.

Will pondered what he said, his breathing growing unsteady too. He wasn't going to cry, but seeing his friend who barely showed anyone his emotions that he kept behind a closed door was scary to him. Tears stung his eyes, and Nikolai gripped his shoulder tighter, at the feeling of Will coming undone at his expense, too.

He rubbed Nikolai's back, before laying backwards on the bed, Will under Nikolai's weight. They shifted their position so that Nikolai was hugging Will around his chest, laying on his stomach, on the bed, his head on Will's arm, and Will's hand on his back.

Nikolai's crying died down, and he took deep breaths through his nose, holding onto Will. Will was simply quiet, until Nikolai wanted to talk again.

Will ended up staying the night, which Nikolai would have wanted either way. He felt safe with Will, and wanted him to stay the night. Their parents found them already asleep, laying down with each other, and chose not to walk them up. The room was dark already, so they couldn't see Nikolai's face, which was all puffy and red from the hour prior.

Will woke up again, a couple hours later, and saw Nikolai sitting at his desk chair, with a reading light on low, and his computer on. He had a blanket wrapped around him, and by a single glance, Nikolai could tell that it was some lame challenge that a family was trying to win. He hadn't really taken Nikolai to be a trash tv challenges watcher, but apparently Will was wrong. He didn't really care about that (for one, being he watched shit tv himself), but the fact that when he checked his phone, it was three forty-seven in the morning.

Will called out to Nikolai, but the headphones that were on his head (that Nikolai had been using so that Will wouldn't wake up), were blocking out Will's voice.

Will got up from Nikolai's bed, and lightly tapped on Nikolai's shoulder. Nikolai turned around, shooched, with wide eyes. Will apologized for startling him, and Nikolai didn't respond. He just simply nodded his head, took his headphones off, and looked at the ground.

"What are you doing, it's really early," Will said, rubbing his eyes. Nikolai shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know, I can't sleep at night. Anyways, if you look out the window, everything is covered now, so I don't think we'll be going to school anyways." Nikolai pointed towards his window, to try and further prove his point, but Will shook his head slightly.

"Nikolai, c'mon, let's go to bed," Will said, grabbing his shoulder.

Nikolai shook his head, before pulling Will's hand off of him. "I'm not tired, and don't want to go to bed right now," Nikolai shrugged, before turning back to the computer. He put his headphones back on, before Will took them away again.

"But, Nikolai, you need to sleep. You need sleep." Will pulled the headphones away from him, before unplugging them from the computer, and putting them on top of Nikolai's dresser. Nikolai turned around, looking at Will with a deeply annoyed glare. Will shot his hands up, in defense, before grabbing Nikolai's bicep, and pulling him off of the chair.

Nikolai let his body be dragged back to the bed, and let Will shut off his computer.

He felt defeated, mentally.

this is part one with nikolai and wilhelm.

with love,

-aa