I had a plan
Step one: a fresh start to get my act together
Step two: keep it together and don't drown
Step three: no more disappointed looks so I can sleep well at night
I had a plan
There was no way it could go wrong
No more nights spent frustrated
Or last minute work to finish
I was going to fix it
And catch my breath
My mind was ready to work, sitting at its desk
But I fell asleep
So exhausted from waking up at 2 a.m. every morning that I blew my first shot
I missed it all
My mind left the desk to wander, worry, and cease all means of production
More important thoughts hijacked the rails and steered me away
And I was exhausted
I am exhausted
Because nothing shatters the false reality I live in
Than watching your mother cry while driving
As I hold my best friend in my arms
Speeding down the road
His tear matted head hidden beneath my chin
His soft nose and whiskers quivering in fear against my neck for the last time

I was going to get my plans back on track
My affairs were in order, so there was no reason I couldn't continue working
I told "I'll see you on the other side. Wait for me."
So everything can adjust to the new normal
However I can rest today and head back to the grindstone tomorrow

I'm well rested
I've been well rested for days
I don't have a plan
I can't work
I'm past tired, frustrated, and I'm aching
I had my affairs in order
I should be able to work
But I can't

The floors make me dizzy
Walls are hazy
Cabinets are endlessly bare
And I'm angry
Notebooks are my punching bags
They go flying across my room and under my bed
The kitchen is the pillow I scream in every night
I can't lift a finger to work without being worn thin
I am lonely, I feel hollow and endlessly bare like the cabinets
I am tired, I'm so exhausted without routinely carrying my cat to the food bowl
I am angry, I sit here like a car that won't start because I can't get the bare minimum done
I am sad, like a weight in my chest so heavy. I'm anchored to the sea floor and drowning

And I miss my cat