19th➳ 

Getting into a relationship was hard, almost impossible. Trying to keep it was almost easy but you have to be cautious on what you do and what you say. Getting out of it was the easy part, but that was the part that leaves a big scar that will stay in your heart even if time goes by.

I should be happy that I ended up with Joshua. That I liked him. And he liked me too. But even when I had a mindset of a five year old, I couldn't change the fact I was seventeen and that I wonder about this thing called love and relationship.

"Have you eaten?" Joshua asked first thing in the morning before he threw me a smile. "Good morning."

"Morning," I mumbled back, taking my seat next to him. I haven't ate since I left home. Not like Mom bought groceries for me to make breakfast, lunch or dinner. I had to take care of mostly myself. And I didn't have time to grab a quick snack from the 24 hours convenient store.

That was then Joshua put a small carton of chocolate milk on my table and gave me a genuine smile. "For you."

"Why?" I ended up questioning instead of thanking him. I just didn't understand fully at times. I guess I still had a part of me that was in denial.

"You look tired... and hungry."

Was it that obvious? I touched my cheek, feeling wary before I accepted his carton of milk. "Thanks..."

Before anyone would see, Joshua sneaked a peck on my cheek, turning me into a solid block of ice right at that moment. My hands stopped unwrapping the milk carton and I almost forgot how to breathe.

Joshua began chortling next to me, enjoying my frozen state. He poked me in the sides and said, "Move, Kwon Nari. Are you a statue now? Aigoo, had I known you were like this, I would have gave you kisses everyㅡ"

I clammed his mouth shut with my hand, feeling warmth and colour arise in my cheeks. This was so embarrassing.

Joshua ended up laughing again despite the fact my hand was clamming his mouth.  

"Yah, Hong Jisoo," I called, trying not to look embarrassed. "Don't do that next time without a warning."

He slowly removed my hand off his mouth and pouted. "Where's the fun in that? And the feeling of romance?"

"You're trying to tell a girl with a mindset of five about romance?" I raised an eyebrow at him, trying my best not to laugh at how desperate he looked. I wasn't even sure if he, himself, knew about this thing called love.

"Yes." Joshua grinned. He ruffled my hair. "Okay, I'm going to the bathroom now. I accidentally drank too much orange juice this morning."

"Aww, Joshy-poo needs to pee pee," I teased. That felt good.

"Yah." Joshua lightly pushed my head to the side. It came out more of a tease than a scolding to me and I found it adorable. "Na kanda. (I'm going)"

"Oh," I answered, scrunching my nose at him like a playful little kid to their oppas and dads. I decided that while I had the classroom all to myself, I wrote things on the board.

OUR YOUTH WILL NOT LAST FOREVER!

I stood back at the words I wrote on the board with a whiteboard marker and somehow felt proud. I placed my hands on my hips, smiling. It was true; our youth wasn't going to wait for anyone. So either we enjoy it to our fullest or watch it go ahead like a bus you've been waiting for so long but the moment it arrives, you let it leave without you.

The door slowly opened and in came Joshua with his hand tucked inside the pocket of his pants. He ruffled his once messy brown hair and looked up, where he saw the board with the words I had written.

He was smiling as he occupied the spot next to me. "What's this for?"

"Just... something," I replied.

"You're right," Joshua said after a minute. "Our youth doesn't last forever. So while we're busy chasing our hopes and dreams..." Joshua held firmly onto my hand and continued, "...we should also chase love."

Feeling playful instead of being flattered by his words, I poked his shoulder and said, "Shouldn't we be chasing food?"

"Why would you chase food?" Joshua skeptically asked, trying not to laugh.

I shrugged. "Because chickens always run away? They also cross roads too."

He poked my forehead and smiled his billion dollar smile. "You're adorable, Nari."

"Thanks." I laughed. Finally settling down, I leaned on his kind of broad shoulders and intertwined our fingers.

♥

Since weㅡand by we, I really meant Iㅡdidn't have any food at home, I had to go out to the nearby family mart to buy food. I was shopping alone without Mom but that didn't mean I needed her to help me with groceries. I perfectly know what I'm doing because it was up to me to decide what to eat for dinner, and not her. 

I took a basket and looked around the fruits section. Fruits were cheap and they were healthy enough to keep my cells working. I took some apples and proceeded to the instant ramen section. I purchased about six cups and it would be enough to make me live by the day, everyday. They only cost 6, 990 Korean won altogether, so it wasn't that bad.

I was about to exit the supermarket when a familiar voice called me, "Oh! Eun Ji-a!"

Of course, by the name she called, I already knew who it was. There was only one person who called me that. Turning around and putting a forced smile on my face, I greeted Jiae, "Annyeonghaseyo, Jiae-sshi."

"Jiae-sshi?" she echoed with a tint of smile. Shaking her head, she insisted, "Please, call me unnie."

"U-unnie," I called her, hesitantly. It didn't feel right for her to know me as someone fake. I wished I hadn't had gone to that party. It would have been better if we never met... and acted as if we were friends when she would really hate my guts once she finds out who I really am.

"So, what are you doing here?" Jiae asked, her eyes catching the brown bag I clutched tightly in my hands. "What's in there?"

"F-food," I replied. "I felt like eating like a normal person, you know? Without all the fancy gourmet food."

Lies. If I had a chance to eat them, I'd never go back to eating like a normal person. I eat ramen cup noodles and instant noodles almost everyday and I'm surprised I'm not sick of eating it. I guess my taste buds learned to understand my situation so it was being good to me.

Jiae gave me a smile I couldn't decipher to. Was she disgusted by the fact I was acting like a normal person so she gave me a forced smile, or was she smiling for real? After a while, she put on her sunglasses. "Well, I might be late for the fashion show. See you around, Eun Ji."

"Yeah, see you," I said back, walking ahead before she had something to add. I didn't want to be held back from her.

♥

Joshua: Do you want to meet up? I really want to escape from this business lecture today.

I did my best to hide that silly smile that was rising up my lips. Just because of a text Joshua sent me, I'm smiling? Love could really make you smile at the most simplest things. 

I texted him back, call! where do you want to meet up? 

Joshua: Hmm... Where would you like to go?

Nari: uh, i don't know

Joshua: How about we go eat samgyeopsal?

Joshua: Don't worry, I'm paying. 

I hesitated to agree on his proposal. I didn't like it when he pays for me because I felt indebted to him. Was I dating him because I love him or was I dating him for his money? Even I was confused because Joshua continued to make me feel like I'm dating him for his money. 

I wish he was just an average guy with an average family with average money so he didn't have to spoil me this way. It made me guilty in every way possible. 

Nari: jisoo, you don't have to do this... [Message failed to send]

Yes, I was a coward who couldn't tell him to stop spending money on me like this. I felt like I was his charity case. 

Without any other protests, I put my phone into my pocket and left home to meet up with Joshua. He texted me where we were going to meet up and I tried to find where it was located. I was bad with directions but with the help of technology, I found the place and took a 360 look around the restaurant. 

Joshua was seated near the walls of the restaurant and he waved a hand at me. I walked up to where he picked our seats—a booth. He was smiling when I took a seat opposite of him. 

"You made it!" Joshua said excitedly while smiling. "I would cry if you didn't. I don't like eating alone."

"You know, you changed a lot from when I first met you. What happened to the Jisoo who acted nothing more like any other adult?" I teased. 

Joshua smiled and scratched the back of his head, his eyes slowly turning into crescent moons. "Well, hanging around with you, I realized that it's too early to act like one. It's not like youth will come back, right? Besides, the adult stage will come when it comes."

I honestly felt proud of Joshua. I didn't really do anything to influence him but I guess hanging around me made him change his perspective about things such as youth. You should never take things for granted. Every moment in your life counts and it'll build up parts of who you are. 

"Good for you then, Jisoo." I gave him a smile. I smiled even wider when I saw the pork slowly approaching our table. 

"You really aren't a kid, aren't you, Nari?" Joshua teased as the waiter placed the slice of pork belly on the grill. "You're smiling so happily over food."

"Of course! What else am I supposed to do when I see food? Frown? Cry?" I asked him, making a face as the pork continued to grill. 

Joshua laughed, still amused by me after who knows when. It wasn't like we just met. He should be used to me by now. 

As we continued to eat, Joshua continued to tell me stories about his rich life. A life I'll never experience or know fully about. It reminded me of our sore differences that could be noticed easily. Despite his actual title and the fact he was filthy rich, he acted otherwise. 

"Jiae noona can sometimes be a spoiled brat but she's still a great sister if you ever get to meet her properly," Joshua told me, stuffing himself with the food before him. 

He didn't have to worry if he ended up spending 100, 000 Korean won here in this restaurant since he could swipe a card and probably walk away from it. I, on the other hand, was cautious with how much I ate. It didn't feel right to eat as leisurely when knowing your rich boyfriend would be paying all of it. 

I continued to carefully eat with reluctance for quite some time but I should have been more discreet with my actions because what I didn't know was the fact Joshua was watching me the entire time. He finally asked, "What's wrong, Nari? You don't feel hungry?"

Now I was stuck in a bind. I wasn't sure whether to lie my way out or come clean with the truth. Either which, Joshua would react almost similarly. It was either a lecture due to my truth or investigation due to my lie. 

My mouth hung open, unsure which one of the two would roll out of my tongue but I was surprised neither did, which made me think about the two choices more carefully. The truth seemed like the best choice but there was a small part of me that didn't want to tell him why I was eating that way. 

However, my mouth reacted first with the help of my brain and the words came flying out, "Well... I-I... I feel indebted to you this way, Jisoo. If I eat too much, the feeling of owing you will remain since you're going to pay for everything. I don't want to feel like I'm dating you just because of your money, Jisoo."

Joshua, after listening to this, put his chopsticks down on his plate and cleared his throat. "Nari, it's not like that, okay? I'm sorry if I made you feel like I'm just dating you just to spend money on you. That's not why I dated you. Look, you said you're still a kid, right? Let's see it that way, then. We're only kids who like each other through our innocence feelings. No money. No rich titles. Nothing. Just pure, innocent love."

As expected, there was the lecture I waited for. But I honestly felt proud that I opted to tell the truth since his lecture was comforting instead of asphyxiating. I had to remember that he was my boyfriend, not a teacher, so I shouldn't expect boring lectures that don't even relate to the subject itself. 

I smiled back at Joshua, thankful for those words. "Of course, I must have been a fool, huh?"

Joshua smiled as well and reached out for my hand that was idly placed on the table. It made my heart suddenly jump due to the sudden skin ship. "That's my girl. Now eat up. I don't want my girl to not have a proper meal."

My heart was racing and my insides were starting to warm up. I wasn't sure about my cheeks but I was positive they were always taking a change in colour. Without another word, I nodded my head and continued eating. 

Joshua was smiling proudly as I continued to eat, like he was a parent watching their kid eating happily. 

"Why are you staring at me like that?" I decided to ask since he wasn't going to turn away any time soon. 

"You just look so happy. Do you like samgyeopsal that much?" Joshua asked me with his bright smile. 

"You should know the answer to that," I answered sheepishly as I continued to eat. Sure, I was eating without cautious but the feeling of owing him still hasn't left. I guess guilt doesn't leave a person easily. 

"I think I know how my dad felt when he saw me eat when I was a kid."

I looked up to face him, confused by what he was going on about. "Huh?"

Joshua never stopped smiling. Good, you should never let anyone take that beautiful smile of yours, Jisoo. Never let anything stop you from letting me see that smile.

"Yah, Hong Jisoo, what are you on about?" I asked him. 

"Watching you eat... I guess I now understand what my dad felt like. This happiness right now." Joshua leaned in closer and caressed the side of my head before sitting back down at his side of the booth. "It's a feeling that can't be easily replaced."

"You creep." The words escaped my mouth too quickly I could barely take it back. Covering my mouth with one hand, I bowed my head and said, "Sorry... that was not how I imagined it'd sound like."

I didn't say anything else afterwards because I went back to my past, pondering on it. When was the last time I saw Dad smile at me when I ate happily? In fact, was there ever a time he actually smiled at me when I ate? All the memories I had with my once happy family slowly drifted away from my mind and what I was left with was cursed words thrown by my parents at each other, empty soju bottles and other alcoholic drinks laying on the floor and that happiness turned into hatred. 

There are many reasons why people wanted to hurt themselves. One of the many reasons is the fact they're family is just another broken mess hidden and ignored by society, but was still continuously judged. 

I was jealous. Of what? Of families that seemed so happy. They may not be rich and they're probably facing a crisis for all I knew but the fact the family was still complete and that they were really happy together makes them look like they're the richest family alive.

Time slowly went by but because I was stuck in my thoughts while eating like I was on auto-pilot, I didn't notice the time continued ticking. It felt like it paused and never ticked again, but that was only because I was still in my head. Like I was trapped in another nightmare.

By the time we made it outside after Joshua paid for our food, the skies were already painted with orange and dark blue tints trailing behind. Sun's almost down. 

"From past experiences, I don't think it'd be a smart idea if you walked home alone, Kwon Nari," Joshua said, smoothly putting a coat over me. "You were almost chased by drunk men, remember?"

I shook my head and pulled the coat closer to my body. "Don't remind me of that. Seriously, Seoul needs to take a break on drinking. Haven't they learned in school that alcohol is really bad for you?"

Joshua ruffled my hair playfully and smiled. "You're just like a kid. Although, most kids don't even bother if their parents drank. They're too naive, I guess. But I support your words. I don't like how some people waste their lives drinking away. As if that would solve their problems."

Like Mom. "Yeah, won't that only add to your problems? I mean, imagine it! You'll eventually damage your liver, feel more pain and what happens then? You lose money due to hospital bills and all you're going to do is mope around in regret."

"It's like a butterfly effect, Nari," Joshua told me. 

"Butterfly effect?" I echoed. Never heard of that one. "What exactly is a butterfly effect?"

"It's the phenomenon whereby a minute localized change in a complex system can have large effects elsewhere," Joshua explained. 

"You sound like you memorized that from Google." I tried not to giggle but it was hard when Joshua used his mono-tone voice. 

Joshua blinked before turning his attention back to me. "Really? Okay, let me try to use words that you will understand. Well, the butterfly effect... it's something like this. If you change even the smallest details, you'll change everything. Let's use BTS as a reference. If you went back in time and stopped one of the members from being born..."

I gasped. "Then BTS wouldn't have existed?"

"Bingo," he said. "That's the butterfly effect. One small change may change everything in the future."

"Well then," I said, shrugging, "learn something new everyday."

On the way back to the apartment, one of the streetlight aligned with the others suddenly broke, its bulb shattering until it hit the ground with a soft clink. Joshua pulled me into his grip—probably a new found reflex of his—and I was kept in his grip for some time. It was nothing but silent after the streetlight exploded. The only sound that was heard was Joshua's heart. 

How could I not hear it? I was pulled into his warm embrace with my ear leaning against the exact area of where the heart was located. 

I heard him whisper, "Are you okay?" 

I looked around my surroundings but with the restriction of moving my head—since Joshua was hugging me with one hand holding my head close to his chest—I was only able to see a few things. Only one light broke but it made the street look darker. 

"Nari? You're okay right?" Joshua asked again when I failed to answer it the first time. 

I nodded, eyes wandering around the area again. After Joshua told me about the butterfly effect a moment ago, I felt sort of paranoid. 

"Come on, let's get you home." Joshua let me go from his grip and held my hand, which made me blush. I wasn't sure if I was really blushing but my cheeks began feeling hot. 

As we were about to set off to get me home, a voice interjected, "Not so fast, you two." 

I knew that streetlight meant something. It breaking must have created some sort of effect— or was I just overthinking things because of the butterfly effect that continued to linger inside my head? It was mostly likely to be the latter. 

I turned around first and saw a face I wished I never saw. I let go of Joshua's hand and glared at him. He just stood there, like there was nothing wrong. Couldn't he get the hint? He didn't belonged in my life anymore, so why did he keep returning?

"Having fun, I see?" he mocked, lifting up a metal rod. "I can change that, if you want."

"You have no right to come barging back into my life," I reasoned with a calm yet warning voice. 

"Oh, but I do. Don't forget, I'm one of the two who made you." He smirked. 

"Just because you made me, you think that gives you a free ticket to come barging into my life whenever then leaving it again? Grow up, you jerk!" I hissed, wanting to run over to him to kick him in a sensitive spot but Joshua held me back. 

He shook his head, disapproving of what I was going to do. "Nari, don't. He's not worth it."

"Jisoo—"

"Kwon Nari, don't."

I admitted defeat and snapped my head back at him, glaring with all I could. "So what do you think you're doing this time? Trying to prance around my life? Missed me? Wait, that's so unlikely. After all, you were the one who left, weren't you?"

"Don't try to provoke me, Kwon Nari. You're going to get yourself in trouble," he warned. 

"Oh, but I already have trouble in my genes. After all, you are one of the two who created me, aren't you?" I let a smile spread across my face. Unlike any other smiles of mine, this one was to mock him and teach him that words can and will always backfire. 

Dad then noticed Joshua standing next to me and scoffed. "Look who we have here. It's the boy who couldn't take a punch."

I stepped in front of Joshua, as if to protect him from my own father. "Oh? I think you meant that he's the boy who was able to take a punch from a guy who couldn't throw one in the first place."

"Nari," Joshua whispered, trying to stop me from provoking my dad furthermore. Too bad, there was no stopping once I have started. I learned to accept my genes. What a shame that I was like my father, huh?

"Don't know how to throw a punch?" Dad echoed, taking a step forward, his grip on the metal rod tightening. "Kwon Nari, you're really growing up, aren't you?"

"Keurae!" I spat. "And hopefully, as I grow, I don't end up like you, you dirty lowlife. What a pity to see you this way. Sympathy? Ha! No one would even give you a caring glance the second time they see you."

"Nari-a!" Joshua screamed whisper behind me. 

"Mwo?" Dad cracked his neck side to side. "You're really testing my patience now, Kwon Nari."

"Just living like you, Dad," I said with an aegyo voice to agitate him, throwing him a wink after. "Whatever you want to say now, just say so. It's unlike you to suddenly appear in my life again after the convenient store incident."

That was when a smirk settled on Dad's lips and shadows emerged from the dark and entered the light. Four— no, seven men stood behind Dad, all in black with hoods and face masks. Dad said, "Thank you for reminding me of my purpose. This is revenge. Ever heard of the term?"

That was when I realized what has happened. Butterfly effect, butterfly effect, butterfly effect, it repeated in my head. What have I done? I knew something bad was going to happen when that streetlight broke. 

Dad's smirk was wiped off his face as it turned into something grim as he instructed his men, "Get them."

~Author's Notes~

Carat Kimichies! I have missed you guys as well as this story! Now that "My Pretend Boyfriend" has ended, my full attention *plays UP10TION's Attention* will be on this story! I'm hoping to end this story before August because that's when I'll post a surprise story that hopefully everyone will be happy over? Kekeke~ 

Hoped you enjoyed this story! Here's an update after so long :))

xoxo

Byun Sang Kyung