In your eyes, I'm alive
Inside you're so beautiful
Something so unusual in your eyes
I know I'm home
Every tear, every fear
Gone with the thought of you
Changing what I thought I knew
I'll be yours for the thousand lives

Been waiting for a lifetime for you
Been breaking for a lifetime for you
Wasn't looking for a love till I found you

~for you by Liam Payne and Rita Ora

Krish's POV

"He deserves you more"
I said even to my ears my voice sounded strangled.

I did what I thought was right
I put myself aside and let Abhi have the headstart which he already had but I had hindered it with my stubbornness.

Last session (a day ago)

"How are you feeling today?"

"Shocked not over yet from yesterday. I mean I need help I am not okay..." This was eating me alive to think I was still hung up when I thought I was progressing.

"You're getting it and it's okay to not be okay no one will judge you everyone is struggling with something or other thing"

"I couldn't sleep yesterday at all thinking all over it"

"What kept you awake?

"My angel"

"Angel?"

"Savior" my cheeks reddened as I explained.

"you have a soft corner for her?"

"I do have" I bravely accepted it.

"How will you define it?"

"I love her"

It was before I could even know, it was Kyra I thought could save me. I keep my distance from her yes at the same time I want her close. I love her way before but I didn't want to accept it.

She smiled this time and it was a genuine one.

"Did you think of doing something about it?"

I was speechless.

"Did you?"

"I'll tell her" I said when I wanted to run the other way.

She nodded, "homework for you Krish"

I don't like her homeworks because you really don't know what you have to do in that. They were unbelievably tough when they sounded so simple.

"Give the letter back to Kyra and let her have a choice this time"

I pursed my lips slouching, my heart dropped.

"Then she'll choose him"

"Why?"

"Because she knows him well and they have stronger connection, he was there for her long and I came into the picture later, just now"

"But did she ever say she loved him? Anyway showed it?"

"But-"

"You're doing that again blaming yourself and running away"

I bit my lip gazing down
"No one knows better than you what you have to do"

•••••••••

First session( Four days before)

I didn't I never liked this therapy. I told my mother I was well I couldn't sleep because I had so much on my mind. The thoughts were running and ceasing to nothingness and then it started all over again

When I closed my eyes I was thrown back to darkness in the fluctuating episodes of nightmares and somehow in the rerun of them I lost my angel.

When I couldn't sleep I pushed myself out of the bed. Lethargically went for jogging to get rid of my crowded mind.

Mummy caught me red handed when I tip toed to my room as I had returned and then without my permission she got me an appointment with Daisy that sharp minded Psychologist.

A tall woman in mid 20's. I didn't have anything against her but she opened my mind  with a knife's like questions piece by piece and it's scary the way things come out. I couldn't stand and face them maybe I really was a coward. She was my third Psychologist and the only one I took seriously. The woman was strict and no matter how much I didn't want to agree, she could only poke things out of me.

I assured myself it didn't matter what Kyra thinks she might love but she won't ever understand me no one does in fact.

I kicked the egg chair I meant it to be a light one but it went straight skidding to some ancient vase.

"you should have waited for that I haven't even started yet... Ah you really don't like it here Krish?" Daisy glide in, seriously I doubt she walks, she glides around soundlessly.

She had her hair gathered back in a tight bun and that red small framed squared , spectacles she put for the professional look. Because she looks like a model And in the first meeting I tried to flirt with her which was awkward after, when she asked me one of her mind boggling questions.

I went and brought back the chair to it's place. "Oh no Daisy you know how I love coming here" I grinned sitting with my legs apart.

The whole set up of the room was homely designed. Soft brown color, random gleeful pictures and it had a complete glass wall to the right, a live scenery of the forest behind the building.

A whole soothing atmosphere was like a balm to the inner havoc of people, fighting to keep it at bar

Gracefully, she settled opposite to me on peach colored loveseat.

"So how bad are you today?" Without any delay the session started.

"What? no hello hii straight to the job sometimes I think you don't like me Daisy" I leaned back making a sad face.

She smiled. The one saying this won't work with me.

"Deflection I see, so let's take that way. Hello Krish, pretty boy why do I see big bags under your eyes"

"Oh you know I lost my concealer"

And she smiled again. The one I caught you there.

"Does that concealer have a name?"

And I lost.
Never play games with Psychologist they aren't a step ahead. They are right there on the finish line.

I sighed and followed the rule be honest and tell whatever you are feeling.

"I am not in a mood of counselling today. Mummy forced me to attend-

"Because?"

"I couldn't sleep these days."

"Since?"

I paused remembering from when, "I think since Abhi left" she knows Abhi she knows Kyra she was aware of the people in my life.

"You're having nightmares that scared off your sleep?"

"I do have them  I am taking pills but this time it's only darkness and nothing"

"What about the voice?"

I told her I heard a voice that encouraged and wanted me to fight the darkness. I didn't tell her I call her angel. But she labelled it savior a person my mind thinks that could save me from fear which cowers me.

"I don't hear it. It's there I know but very faint"

"So we could conclude it's Abhi ? The savior"

I stared at her then started laughing like really loudly. Abhi? angel!

"It's feminine not-

She narrowed her eyes inclining back, "you didn't tell me that"

I laughed nervously, "it doesn't matter it's not that important"

She kept poker look, "why didn't you tell me?"

It irked me,"  I am not entitled to tell you everything it's my life"

"Why do you always come back when you don't want to attend these sessions when you don't like it?"

"You have to be nice to me I am your patient"

"If being nice would have helped, you wouldn't be here..why did you hide it from me Krish?"

There's no session where we didn't argue. Sometimes I think she did that intentionally because when I'm angry, hardly I could hold myself back.

"I don't want to answer that" I looked away.

"You don't want to or you don't know?"

"I don't know did it change anything!"

"Yes it did. Then let's know it. Tell who are your female friends?"

I didn't say anything. Folded my arms over my chest looking in front.

She read from a sheet
"There are some from your previous school Tithi, Maggie, Sarah, Emily and you used to date-  ( Iyrah🤗 -(sorry guys 😝)

I couldn't stop myself, "they are of hardly any concern now. That's my past the voice is from my present"

"Your present has Kyra, Alia wait isn't Kyra the one you had a crush on?"

"I won't ask how do you know it? But what are you trying to prove by this? She has nothing to do in this !"

She watched me for a minute and I didn't like that observation. She's searching for something and then she smiled. Oh god now she got it.

"Tell me something about Kyra"

"I told you already and I won't repeat"

"I don't remember I want to hear it again"

"I want to leave"

"Leave"

I glared at her. They have the door locked, opens after 30 mins. That's why I don't like these sessions.

"Tell me"

I stayed quiet.

"She's a girl with bad attitude"

I know what she was doing.

"You don't trust her she's ugly she doesn't care about others she's selfis-

"Shut up!!!! I am leaving"

I went ahead and pressed the emergency button and stormed out.

Second session (3 days before)

"So shall we continue the conversation where we left?"

"No" this time I put my efforts on to keep myself calm.

"Why?"

"Pass"

She stared at me. Thinking of some other technique. If I don't want to answer I can say pass yeah something she didn't want me to say.

"Is it because of Kyra?"

I clenched my jaw.

"Pass"

She took a moment then continued.
"How are you feeling today?"

"Tired" I honestly said.

"Tired of what?"

"Pass"
I know I was being irritating but I don't want being cross examined.

"Were you able to sleep yesterday night?"

"No I got up middle of the night"

"Nightmares? savior missing?"

"Yes.." I narrowed my eyes at her.

"Your mind is triggered by something. Did you kill your sister?"

I hesitated, "no"

"You hesitated you're still thinking about it and blaming yourself. It has been 9 years now"

I shifted uncomfortably, "it was my mistake she died. It was because of me it won't change regardless of what angle you look at it from or when you look "

She smiled ruefully, "it's not your mistake you have to tell that to yourself it was an accident a mishap you didn't do it intentionally.
But now whatever has triggered it it won't be an accident the cause of it that's pushing you back to your past, it won't be called as you aren't responsible for. You will be blamed if you use your past as an excuse."

I felt like the air was less I couldn't breath. I wasn't using my past -
"right now I see a lost boy desperately searching to cling to any support and hide from the world."

Third season 2 days before

"Oh you look prepare for today?"

"I do?" I inspected myself up to down.

"Yes you didn't make a face when I entered"

"I am sorry for my behavior" I said embarrassedly.

"Krish I am here to help you so is your parents your savior but only you can save yourself. The question is how ready are you for it?"

I looked down, "I want to ask something what's wrong with me not in medical terms I know I'm traumatized and have MDD(major depressive disorder) which I still argue up on but I want to know from your point of view as an insider"

"Your opinion about yourself is very low you don't lack self esteem but you self blame for every wrong you found, your mind put it in that way as if you're responsible for it and so you avoid those situations as much possible where it's questioned . There's nothing wrong in you that's what you want to think, that you are okay, you are fine and perhaps you stay away from those things that stimulus opposite to your conviction your belief."

I took a deep breath, "I want to talk about Kyra"

Her eyes twinkled , finally got something to work upon , "go ahead I'm listening"

As the thoughts were jumbled in my mind they came out in the same pattern,
"She's my friend I mean I don't know I thought she was and I kissed her she loves me I can't understand why then I read the letter from Abhi and for some reason he thinks I love her and funny thing is he also love her. I feel weird about it
..
..

..
I told everything abruptly,
" Everything about this situation is weird. Kyra and Abhi left me. Everybody I consider close to me leave me for some or other reason. i think..."

"You think?"

"That something's wrong with me it's my fault"

"Abhi left that's because he wanted to and Kyra left because -

"I made her to"

"And that's why you want her back in your life because you don't want to feel it's your fault she left. When at the same time you want to keep her away at a distance because she makes you feel about your insecurities when she is close. So what's better than to have her as a friend. It's win win situation for you"

It made me feel as a worse person.

"See  you're again blaming yourself you blame and you step away from it. Do you really want to know who your savior is?"

"Of course I want to"

"Then why didn't you know when she was right in front of you?"

"Who?"

"The two persons you met close to you after you move here are Abhi and Kyra . You started hearing that voice. Then both left. You aren't hearing it now. It cannot be Abhi then who is it?"

"Kyra!!!!!?...no it can't be her"

"Why?"

"Because... I should have known then ." I looked around helplessly.

"You don't want to know like I said. You want it as a dream a fictitious thing because when you know it it isn't something virtual it's real it reminds you of your past your mistake that you're still considering yourself as the cause. And you don't want that to be reminded of. You are running away from it. Because if your savior exists your problems exists you blame yourself and you're not okay and this you don't want"

I gulped ,"so what do I do?"

"Start with accepting things that you're avoiding"

Oh well I updated want our happy Kyish moments soon