How do I start this quote on quote "story"? Well let's start with the beginning. I was out with friends on this fine afternoon on Thursday April 19th, 2018. When we were in target, I wandered off going to look for something I had wanted for awhile to check if the price had been lowered. And then my heart sank. When I turned around to see if anyone had noticed I had walked away they hadn't, to engrossed in their own I would put conversation but they would have noticed me walk away had they been in a conversation so I'm gonna say "world" between the six of them  that no one, not even the kid who has literally had an entire conversation with me at 2am because he knew I'd be up had noticed that I was walking away. The people I consider my friends just proved to me an entire other reason why I have Pistanthrophobia. Pistanthrophobia is the fear of trusting/trust. It could also be considered as trust issues. But this is a reason why I fear trusting others, because human can be so obvious, on many occasions when I have been depressed it showed how depressed I was, onetime I told my friend that I had thought about cutting late at night and he just was like "oh well that not good" not like don't do that or jade don't do that it's not worth it just "that's not good". Sometimes I do think about cutting intact when I saw that no one had noticed me walk away I just thought "ha I guess this proves why I'm not needed anymore I got them to become friendly with each other now they ignore me" and I thought about how if I were to cut I'd cut on my hips because then at least no matter what I wear shorts,pants,skirt, dress, no one would see the scars or cuts whereas wrists until they heal or unless you cover the scars with makeup or tattoo coverup you can't wear certain things. I'm conflicted honestly. I don't know if I should tell them how I feel [i know I should I just don't want to confront them about it] or if I just let it go and don't respond when they ask "so when are we going to the mall again?" Because I'll get it all set and planned and make sure everyone has a ride there and home and if I can say I can give them a ride there/home/both. I'll organize everything then once we get to the mall I'll be noticed and be listened to until everyone shows up because then I'm "pushed aside" like I no longer exist. I'm done being cast aside as if I don't have feelings by the people I consider my friends but I don't know how/want to tell them how I feel because then they might just say I'm lying or deny that they ignore me while we're out hanging out as "friends". I just want to be open with them and stop lying about how I feel.

Then there's hunter... ooo hunter has my blood boiling recently. He'll complain about being single and lonely and how he wants to stop being single. He watched as I asked the guy I like to social, (it's like prom [but less extravagant] for the 8th graders at my school) and I got rejected by him the next day, hunter knew I was reject for social and still proceeded to complain about being single!! Like I never told him my plan on if they guy I like said yes to going to social with me that I was going to tell him how I truly feel at social but like he should have know about that because obviously I like him he knows that. But then now it's been like a month since I got rejected for social and I find out the guy I like, let's call him Brian, is dating a girl I absolutely hate. She is literally the bitchiest girl in the 8th grade and all she does is gossip and spread rumors about people at school, now Brian got voted most friendly for an 8th grade superlative how does the most friend guy in 8th grade date her? Like she's not that pretty nor is she nice like at all!?!? Then he proceeded to complain to me about how he hates being single literally after I told him about the whole Brian situation, first of all you have to a shitty friend to do that and second I am so done with being his friend i'm literally going to text him later and just be like "to I can't be your friend any more, I'm sorry but it's not a functioning friendship." Because I'm just so done with it. And ugh I'm sorry about this guys but I do t know what else to do except rant about it and write down how I truly feel. I'm sorry again you guys can ignore this it's not that import it's just I need to get it out of my mind so I can sleep without having to pass out in order to get some sleep.