Ah, I admit it. I have a problem.

I care about likes and views way too much. I am currently having a sleepless night due to lack of views on my IG story. It wasn't as if I had 0 or less than 10, it was the fact that it was half of what I usually get. It could be a problem with the new Instagram algorithm, but I blamed me.

I posted a picture of a nice, jiggly and mouthwatering soufflé pancake and a gif. After seven hours, I was expecting around 2/3 of my usual views and would get the rest of 1/3 tomorrow morning. But to my horror, (yes, horror) it was barely half. I got so frustrated and anxious that I kept refreshing my Instagram page to see if new views are coming. I even scrolled down to my old notifications to check how much views did I even get in the past.

I posted four new status on my fangirl twitter page, defending an idol that I love. Instead of wishing that my heartfelt message got across, I wished that it had more likes and retweets. This is the idol that I loved for quite a Long time and I wasn't even sincere in hoping that people would see pass his flaws and I focused on getting no likes and retweets. I was a scum.

I posted a new chapter on my old, Long overdue story. Instead of writing because I love the feeling of it, I wrote for the comments and votes. I use to get tons of notifications once a new chapter was posted but now I hardly get any. I was demotivated by the lack of votes and comments. That's not how it should be. I didn't write from the very start with this kind of agenda in my heart.

I am now afraid to post new things. Instagram, Twitter,Tumblr, Facebook or even Wattpad. I was afraid of getting less attention than I expected. I am craving way too much of people's attention.

I seek approval from other people.

I wrote many essays on self love before. Talking about how we should love ourselves and not seek approval from others because that's not what is important but alas, I am nothing but a hypocrite. Writing on a paper that is due in two days time is way easier than carrying it out for a lifetime.

I want to change.

I want myself to see pass the "likes" and "views" that I get on any social media platform. But I can't.

I am obsessed.

I seek comfort where I can least get it. I hurt myself more in the process, rather than healing. What am I even doing anymore, I don't know. All I know is I want to change. I'm not even that pretty or popular but my world revolves around the simple click of a button under someone's thumb.

Help.