Why was I able to just spend an hour and a half just thinking about how everything that seems easy gets turned around?

Lol,

Anything I do in life seems to go perfect and then it gets turned around.

Lol, the beginning of the year, I finally had friends that I thought were good friends...

Oh but then, one decides they have no friends, just aquantinces.
So then when I try to get help from another friend, I'm not her friend either bc she has high standards for friends, I'm just the person she hangs out with at school... And she wonders why she has no friends?

I start doing good in school?

Oh, well, that was fixed quick.
Just needa add a bunch of work then life getting in the way then daddy being mad then colorguard so then I can't do anything without getting yelled at, I can't read, I can't do anything.

Oh, I am good at colorguard?
So then I have no friends, my dad constantely telling me to quit, yeah, okay, perfection, now I'm bound to quit before 4 years...

I find friends that will have my back and are fun?
Ok, well dad doesn't like them, oh and btw they aren't good people... News flash: you're in a gang

EVERYTHING, THE LIST GOES ON, nothing I do lasts...

Wattpad is being stupid...

I'm done with school. I don't care anymore.

But if I have to get switched outta honors classes bc I'm too dumb for them, I'm done with it.

If I'm not in the best classes, then I'm done. I quit. I'm done with this "hood girl" act. The "teachers pet"? Haha, no more. If I'm not in honors, I'm done trying to be perfect in school. I'm done.

If I can't be smart, then fuck it.

I'm I ain't a nerd in school, I'll be the badass that done give a damn bout nothing bc I am done. I'm sick and tired of trying to be perfect in school. Idc, I'll skip school and go out with friends and play stupid games like they do.

I don't care. If I can't be smart, then I can't be anything. If I ain't gonna be anything anyways then why try? Ofc I'm talking as if the storm won't happen, but I still fight in the storm and all, but hey, it'd be easier to escape this hell bc they would all think it's just me being me, right?!

So yeah, if next year I ain't in honors classes then I'm done.

It's not giving up, it's just changing who I am to be who I can be and not have false hope I can be anymore bc I have straight Bs and that's BS especially the C I have and I'm gonna have to quit gaurd and I haven't done anything and

I can't even fucking spell guard right fml.

The U COMES AFTER THE G DUMBASS, ITS LIKE QUEEN, BITCH SO SPELL IT RIGHT.

During the summer I'm gonna focus more on mythical stuff... I hope by then I will find my mindscape but I've been trying now for about 5 months.

Idek the point in this chapter. I'm just aggravated with everything rn and I have a project due Tuesday that I have no time to complete.

I loved math.

Past tense bc now it's starting to suck.
And like everything once things get hard I just quit bc I can't do it.

I say I can't do it but I can. But ain't it easier to just stop caring.

If I care now I'mma gonna have to care later too. If I do good now it's just gonna be harder once I get into higher courses. So why not just make the rest of my life easier. I'm going to the storm anyways so what's the point.

Y'know that momment you realize you are like the person you hate? Lol

My room is such a mess I hate it, but I can't fix it without just freaking out bc I have too much to do.

When everyone tells you you're just like the person who you don't like.

Or maybe you like them but you don't bc life is freaking confusing and idk anymore.

Idk anything.

If I can't get to good classes I'm quiting the good girl act. But maybe it's not an act. But maybe everything is an act. Maybe doing whatever the hell I want won't be an act bc it's litterally what I want.

Maybe it's all just an act. Maybe I can't do anything but act out what everyone else does so I repeat.

Think about it

Nothing is ever new.

Everything mimmics.

A house mimmics an envirement.

A tv, the mind.

A phone, a book.

A bed, the ground.

Everything human made has a natural counterpart, so therefore everything is an act. Everything acts a certain way to do it's job...

Maybe?

Or maybe I'm just crazy...

Maybe I'm stupid and have no idea what I'm talking about.

Or maybe Im bored and don't know what I'm doing and fml.

I have too much to do, too much to worry about.

Idk ... Lol

My life is amazing. My life is perfect. All the things that go wrong in my life, they are the small things. Who cares? I have everything I need.

My family may suck but they care about me.

My friends may suck but they're there for me when I need someone to talk to so I dont look like I have no friends

My grades may suck but alot of people want them

My room may be a mess, but does that rlly matter?

I may not be able to find my mindscape , but I eventually will.

I may not be able to get anything done in time, but at least I still manage to have okay grades.

Sorry I went on a rant.

I fell off my bed this morning, is it bad that that was one of the few highlights of my day?

Other than that I pretty much went to my grandparents house and had to deal with my idiot cousin, or had to listen to my parents argue, or have to try to get a project done but actually be on Instagram bc I'm bored and can't do anything.

I gtg, fml.