August 26th, 2016

I know I'm not the easiest person to talk to. I don't express myself, thoughts or feelings very well. There are things I've been through that have made me that way. I hope you never have to go through them and maybe one day when your old enough, we can talk about them so you understand more about who your mom is and why I am the way I am. In the me time, you are at the age where I know you need me to express how I feel about you more then ever. I figured I would write you a letter so whenever you feel like I don't care or you need to need to know how much I love you, that you can pull this out and read it whenever you are and whenever you need.

Let me start in the beginning. I never wanted to be a mom. I thought I was a bad person not worthy of love or the ability to raise another human without failing and putting my kid through hell and hurting them the way my parents did me. Then I found out I was pregnant with you. I spent the whole time sick over the thought of having to look a child in the eye and know I wasn't good enough to be their parent. Then I found out you were a girl and it was worse. I was so scared Isa that I was gonna just mess you up and give you the life I had cause it was all I knew. I didn't know how to love a baby cause I never felt love from anyone but my grandpa. And he was gone.

      Then you came.. I remember looking into your eyes and realizing you depended in me for everything. You were so perfect and beautiful. I will never forget holding you, feeling how warm you were, looking into your beautiful brown eyes and knowing I made you. I made something so pure, beautiful and perfect. I knew in that very moment that God had given me a gift. Something that I have needed my whole life. Someone who loved me as much I loved them. I also realized in all of this that I needed you just as much as as you needed me. You saved my life. I was going in a bad direction in my life that would not ended in happily ever after. I remember promising God that I would not fail you, I would push through whatever I needed to go through to give you everything you needed. And if I made mistakes (which I did) that I would learn from them and not repeat them. That I would do everything in my power not to hurt you and give you everything I never had and more.

        So you gave me something no one else could do. A once in a lifetime experience. You made me a mom for the first time. I had no idea what I was doing. I was completely alone and didn't have anyone to help me or teach me but it was just you and me against the world. I worked me butt off. Worked three jobs so you could have everything you needed. I rarely slept. But when I was off and you where there being tired didn't matter. My baby girl was happy and thriving and that made it all worth it. In all of this,you taught me how to love with everything in my soul, you taught me I was worthy of love, you brought out strength in me I didn't know I had. You made me strive to be better then I ever thought I could be and you taught me I could do anything... the person I am today, everything you think is good about me is because of you Isa. You made me wanna be the best mom I could be. You prepped me to be a good mama to your brothers.

      Now I look at you today and I still see my chubby double elbow brown hair brown eye beautiful little baby girl who stole her mamas heart with giggle, every snuggle, every breath. I also see the young woman you are. My God how you have grown over the last few years. It happened over night to me. You went to bed a little girl and woke up a young lady. I am so proud of you. Most days I sit here thinking about how great you are. How smart, goal driven, strong, determined, open minded, pure of heart,and kind. You are so beautiful inside and out. I know you don't see it but that's what makes you even more perfect is that you have a truly humble heart. I'm amazed the way you love and how have compassion and how you live your life unknowingly the way Jesus lived his. You would take on every needy person if you could... I am truly amazed that you are my daughter. My only daughter, my first child. You have faults but baby, you learn from them and always try to do better and try right your wrong along the way. You will never know the true importance of that. I love you so much, it hurts when I think about it. The thought that in a little more then four years you will be spreading your wings rips me apart. But that's being a mama. No matter what you do or where you go, that love will not faded. And as you grow, go to college, get a career, find your soulmate, get married, become a mama yourself, that love will only get stronger. I can never express or put into words how truly proud I am to be blessed to be to be your mother Isa. You have a fire about you, a light. It keeps my world lit up no matter what how dark it gets... you are my first love. My first soulmate. I love you baby.. so whenever you need to know how truly important you are and how very much loved you are and how you are a huge piece of your mamas heart and soul, just read this letter cause I know I have a hard time putting things in words and showing how I feel. Never doubt who you are and how special you are and how much you are loved and how much the world needs you in it... love you baby girl.. happy birthday.